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Thread: Don't know what to do...

  1. #11
    Bronze Member aquatic's Avatar
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    “Well I couldn’t find any logical reasons to why you would visit me so I thought that maybe you wanted to criticise my apartment,” she said.
    I think underestimated how mean you have been to this girl, LOL.

    Nice going. Props to you for daring to wear your heart on your sleeve. I can imagine how overwhelming it must have been for you. I don't think it's weird to feel a certain high about it. Not only are you on better terms with her, you also found out it wasn't personal why she didn't want to be your friend, after all these years. I think that's a huge (insecurity) load off your back. Indulge in the fuzzies.

    Well, now that you got that out of the way, give it some time and a little space to let this new development sink in, for both of you. Maybe it's a crush, maybe it's just an emotional challenge for you, give yourself time to adjust so you can weigh it properly before doing anything you might regret. For her part, her lifelong tormentor's now a friend, give her time to digest this.

    In the meantime, keep it up, the friendly rapport. Don't lose the momentum. If you think you won't be able to control yourself from acting weird around her, keep your meetings brief, but warm. I think the more you get used to being around her, the easier it will get. Hopefully, LOL.

  2. #12
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by aquatic
    I think underestimated how mean you have been to this girl, LOL.
    LOL. I’m lucky that she hadn’t decided to hate me for the rest of her life for all the mean things I did.

    Yesterday I talked to E for a while, just having a normal conversation. I thought about inviting her home but I didn’t, maybe I’ll do that next week instead. I am a little worried about this guy B who I mentioned in my first post. He’s trying to smooth talk E all the time; I hope she won’t fall for it. She seems totally oblivious of his flirting (or maybe she is just playing oblivious). He’s a real playboy, he has already slept with two girls in the class and he is flirting with everyone, me too.

    Now I am trying to figure my sexual orientation, I’m 19 and feel like I should already have figured that out long time ago but I never gave it much thought before. I brought up homosexuality as a subject to my mother. She said she knew people who had children that had a gay phase, that is was generally something passing. That they think that they are in love with somebody of the same gender but it’s really fake love and when they fall in love with somebody of the opposite gender they fall in love for real and feel the difference. She consider homosexuality as a learnt behaviour, that people makes themselves gay by bad influence. She thinks that lesbians are intimidated by men and that they date other women to feel more secure but that their relationships can never last as they get tired on each other because people of same gender are to alike to maintain any sexual chemistry for a long time. I know that I shouldn’t listen too much on what she says… I think my mother is getting worried about me now.

  3. #13
    Bronze Member aquatic's Avatar
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    Nice to hear you're getting along so well now.

    I think my mother is getting worried about me now.
    LOL! If yours is anywhere like mine, give it a couple more years for their specualtion to snowball and, eventually, it can become amusing how you can push their buttons, LOL. Don't worry about being 19 and not have figured it out yet; I'm ten years older than you and not any more certain. What I just tell myself, don't go after the labels too much (altho it helps, I guess) -- it doesn't really matter-- what would say the kind of person we fall for will be the person we fall for, so until then, it's open season, heh.

  4. #14
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Well my my mother has a tendency to get too worried. I should have guessed that all went to fine to stay that way. I invited E to my house to see a movie (E has no TV so we couldn’t see it at her place). When we stepped in through the door my mother asked me if the person with me was E, I said yes. My mother gave E a hostile look and ordered me to come to the kitchen with her. I said to E that she could wait in the living room as long. In the kitchen my mother showed me a silly poem I had written about E that I didn’t have in mind to show anybody ever. She said she found it by accident when she was looking for a book she had forgotten in my room. I know she lies as I had hidden it in the bureau between other papers, she wouldn’t look for her book there. I said it was a poem about friendship but she didn’t believe and said she didn’t want me to see E again.

    Me: “She hasn’t done anything.”
    Mother: “You call it nothing striving to convert a nice girl like you?”
    Me: “She hasn’t tried to convert me to anything.”
    Mother: “She has bad influence on you. If you relate with gay people you can turn gay too.”
    Me: “How can you be sure that she’s gay?”
    Mother: “Well isn’t she?”
    Me: “She never said she was.”
    Mother: “But she sure looks like one. Has she touched you in inappropriate places for you to begin to question yourself?”
    Me: “NO!”

    My mother didn’t listen to me and she went out to the living room where E was and said: “Out! I don’t want you in my house. If you ever return here I’ll send the dog after you.”
    E just said okay and went out through the door. My mother didn’t want me going after her but I did it anyway and E asked me what I had told my mother about her and I said nothing.
    E: “Hate at first sight right? Come on tell me. You said I had louses or something?”
    Me: “No, I never said anything about you.”
    E: “She knew my name so you must have at least mentioned me, apparently with something shocking enough to freak her out.”
    I don’t think I ever seen her as crossed before, she didn’t bother to hide it as she usually does.
    Me: “I promise that I have not.”
    E: “You make up things about me and afterwards you won’t even admit it.”
    After she said that she just turned and walked away.

    For the one time I am innocent this happens, she won’t believe me. I have humiliated myself in front of her for no good at all because now she hates even more than before. I don’t know if to get angry or just cry. I’m getting this urge to do something really nasty to her, but I’ll control myself. I guess I will just ignore E for the rest of the term. It would have been better that I never had bothered myself trying to befriend her. My mother has realised now that she went overboard and apologized but that doesn’t help me much.

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  6. #15
    Silver Member Tigris's Avatar
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    Wayfara take the poem and show it to E. Explain that your Mother found it and jumped to conclusions (put 2 + 2 together and came up with 5), and that she wouldn't believe you when you told her the truth. Also tell E you're having problems trying to work out who you are.

    I'm sure E is a lesbian. She told you when she took you into the classroom tha she wasn't interested in guys. She never said she was just not interested in B. Think about that day again and I'm sure you'll see she's a lesbian too.

    By swallowing your pride and admitting to E about your confused feelings I'm sure she'll understand and forgive you. She's already been in that situation herself.

    Please take this chance to sort everything out. She'll know you care or you wouldn't be so persistent.

    Good luck

  7. #16
    Bronze Member aquatic's Avatar
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    You weren't exaggerating when you said your mom can get too worried. What a piece of work when she wants to, to toss a guest out of her house. Sigh. Sorry that happened, and just when things were starting to go well.

    At least your mom admits that she overreacted, that means she's amenable to make up for it when E comes over again. Actually, if I were your mom, I'd send a basket of something over to E's house as a way of apology, asap. Or invite her for a special lunch. Do you think she'll do this? Make her. The way she treated E was pretty appalling.

    Are you close to your mom? If you are, I'd suggest you tell her your story (uh, the friendship part only ), how you've been mean to her all these years and that you two just cleared up this recently and now you're trying to set things right-- so that she'll understand the sudden hanging out with E and why you go out of your way to be nice to her. And that would make her be extra considerate as well.

    Now, about E, I agree--show her the poem (it is platonic in tone, right?). Go to her place, don't do this in school. Be honest, but choose your words carefully. Tell her your about your mom's paranoia and how she apologized after. I don't suggest you talk about anything about yourself (about your orientation crisis), I don't think this is the time for it. Just say your mom has this homphobic paranoia, but stress that she apologizes for the way she bahaved. Tread carefully around the issue that she might be gay; if she's not, she'll either laugh it off or get extremely pissed off (as you said, she's very prudish).

    Don't give up. I know you've already put so much of yourself out there, but understand how E must be feeling now. She's not sure whether she was right trusting you. In the end, if she doesn't forgive you, at least this thing closes cleanly, knowing you didn't talk bad about her. If she forgives, then great.

    Go fix this! You've already done so much, stick it out.

    BTW, for what it's worth, though she might be, I'm not fully convinced she's gay. She can be asexual as you said or just tomboyish, esp. if her numerous siblings are boys. Not that this should matter for now.

    Good luck!

  8. #17
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Thank you for the pieces of advice. As you may have notice I’m quite bad at realising what’s the best thing to do. LOL

    I talked to my mother. She was quite shocked by the things I told her that I had done to E. She was like: “You’re such a nice girl, why would you do that?” Now she has bad conscious for her own behaviour but is still worried about me hanging out with E as she thinks it’s possible that E may be a lesbian in the closet just waiting for a moment to attack me (like she would do that except in my wishful thinking). Anyway she says that E can come and visit us and that she even can bake a cake when she does.

    I went to see E, I knocked on the door but she wasn’t at home. I was just going to leave and when I turned around she was there right in front of me, just coming home. She was the first one to talk. She said she was sorry about getting angry at me. She still thought I had made up some horrible stories about her to my mother but that I have right to do that if I wanted. She said in a reserved manner something like: “What you say to your parents is none of my business.” Then she took a note pad she had bought out of her bag and gave me it as a present.

    She invited me in and I explained things for her. (Not about my own confused feeling, I think it would be too much, nor did I show her the poem, even if it was platonic she might have got the wrong impression and anyway I had already burnt it up). On the whole I said that my mother is homophobic and that she thought she was gay.
    E: “What!”
    Me: “But she has apologized now, she knows that she overreacted.”
    I told her what my mother had said and I let her melt it down before I continued.
    Me: “Well are you…?”
    E: “Gay?”
    At first she looked a bit annoyed but then she told me that I wasn’t the first one to ask.
    E: “I wonder why they would think that. I’ve never talked about girls nor had a girlfriend.”
    Me: “So you’re straight.”
    She smiled.
    E: “I guess I am.”

    She proceeded to tell what she thought about love and stuff like that. She thinks love is something dangerous, something you better avoid because it makes you do crazy things, that her mother always goes crazy every time she falls in love. (Apparently her mother is looking for a new guy all the time and has a different father to each of her eight children.) That all love eventually end, fade away and for that reason not worth the price. She then looked at me and said that I shouldn’t take her seriously as she has a bad perception of love and just didn’t want it for herself. That she was ignorant as she never had been in love and that love maybe could be wonderful (but it didn’t look like she really thought that possible).

    E: “But you know what it’s like, you have a crush...”
    When she said that I turned red, I almost thought she had figured me out (I must have looked like a tomato).
    E: “On B right?”
    Me: “… I’m… I’m over him.”
    E: “You still look angry whenever he talks to me.”
    She said it is B who starts all conversations and that she can’t be rude to him or he would tell on her to her brother as they were best friends.

    So she isn’t gay… I kind of assumed this earlier. There were rumours and some of the classmates confronted her about it and she denied it. They first didn’t want to believe her because of her lack of interest in boys and she basically said that she lacked interest in girls too, that she just never got crushes.

    I’m sorry for this long post, I need to practice to use less words.

  9. #18
    Silver Member Tigris's Avatar
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    The post was very easy to read so don't apologise for it being so long.

    Well my gaydar definitely wasn't working. Since she's got a very bad role model in her Mother she maybe hasn't even considered what sexuality she is because all she sees is trouble? I expect one day you'll find out if you remain friends.

    Let us know how the meeting with your Mother goes this time.

    Good luck

  10. #19
    Bronze Member aquatic's Avatar
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    a lesbian in the closet just waiting for a moment to attack me (like she would do that except in my wishful thinking)
    Oh my. If your mother only knew who might do the converting, lol!

    E: “You still look angry whenever he talks to me.”
    Hahahaha! BUSTED! You might want to do something about your transparency, lol.

    Nice, all's well that ends well So I guess you two can hang out again. Hope the next visit to your house proves to be a success.

    Y'know, after knowing more about her and how she reacted, now I'm leaning towards "hm, she might be gay after all" but I'm just reading your words so... lol, gaydar!

  11. #20
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    I'm tempted to agree with aquatic on this one... Just from what you've said I think she might still prove to be gay after all. No guarantee, but it sounds like she might just not be ready to tell you yet.

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