Is my boyfriend gay?? Someone please help me

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We go to college together and have been told by many people that we have the best relationship they have ever seen. We both feel that way too. We clicked instantly, we get along great, and we both agree that we have a very healthy relationship.

I had never once suspected my boyfriend was gay because he acts like a total "man". His apartment isn't anything special, he only really cares about how he looks when he's going out at night or if we go on a date, him and his friends have the "man laws", he always tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am, we do not have a lackluster sex life, he told me he wants to be with me forever, and he just doesn't come off as your stereotypical homosexual. Also, he was raised in a very strong catholic family and I know he is very dedicated to his faith and conservatism. And to add to all of that, he has always come off as extremely homophobic.

Well, one day I was on his computer and I was checking my e-mail. When I went to go to the website, his inbox was already up there. I was about to log off his account when something caught my eye. It was a dating site. Being my curious self, I went and checked out the site. I typed in the user name he had (which was very similar to the user name he uses for everything else, except one letter was different) and it brought up his profile. It said he was a 24 year old gay man looking for some fun. I was sooooooo confused because the "Chris" I knew would never say anything like that. I had to confront him about it. He said he made it up a long time ago becuase it was also a good place to get porn. That still didn't explain why it said he was gay though, but I tried to just forget about it.

About 4 moths later I was really bored at home, and I was googling random things online. Then for some reason I decided to google that weird user name he had. I then got about 8 results, 7 of them from one gay site, and one other from a different gay site.

Here is where I panic....

The results not only have his user name, but it says the city he is from and how old he is. Perfect match. I tried to find his actual profile but when I searched for it the site said the name no longer existed. I felt a little better.

But then there was that other one. He had an account on the site, but there was no info about him on it, he hadn't posted anything, and there was no history of him talking to anyone on it. It was just a blank profile with his name on it.

I kenw I had to confront him about it, so I did. He had a look of disgust in his face and straight out said "you think im a

He immediately went to his e-mail inbox and there was an e-mail from on of the sites. He clicked on it and was able to log in with a password he uses for pretty much every account he has. He said his e-mail and password were once compromised, and maybe that is how all of this happens. He then started telling me every password he uses for things, and told me he doesn't mind telling me because he has nothing to hide. He swears to me that he did not create those accounts and he would never be interested in anything like that.

I am so confused. I want to believe every word he tells me because I love him so much and he has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I feel like there is something he isn't telling me. The accounts were created about 3 years ago before we even met, so maybe he was just curious? I really don't care what he did in his past, just as long as he was safe. If he once had homosexual feelings but now realized he wants to be with me, I am perfectly okay with that. I just want to know the truth.

If anyone could offer their input I would be so thankful. I don't know who I can go to about this and I just need someone else's point of view. Do you believe his story that he never created the accounts and it's just a random conincidence? Or was he once really curious and mabybe interested in what it would be like with another man? Someone please help me, I need to know what to do.

I don't know what to say... that's overly curious for comfort in my opinion. I would attempt to ignore it and let him discover on his own. Its best to not get help in those situations. If he is gay, he himself must realize it.

He could be bi...

I don't think people are bi. I think they're either straight gay or confused but that's just my opinion.

I'm not sure if this is a good idea...but you could make a fake account on one of those sites and send him a message...

I don't think people are bi. I think they're either straight gay or confused but that's just my opinion.

I agree with you, but a large portion of our population believes that bi-sexual is ok.

Anyway, back to discussion... I don't think sending a message from a fake account is a good idea. I don't think you should hunt out the answer, I think that if he really wants to tell you the truth he will. Just be open to it.

Wow, that is confusing.

But you say you have a very healthy relationship. That's awesome! If he is dealing with these personal issues, I think all you can do is let him know you are there for him NO MATTER WHAT, and then go on with your life. Maybe there's something there, maybe not. Maybe he had a minute of being confused. It isn't surprising that he'd try to cover it up or deny it...it is kind of a big thing to be "caught" in. Who knows why he did what he did.

On another note though, if your mind is telling you something, I think you should trust your instincts. You have a feeling that something is not right, and you're probably right on the money. Don't tell yourself you're wrong.

I would consider this a huge redflag hon.

The fact that he is homophobic and uses deragatory terms to describe gays is not at all surprising since you mentioned his strict religious upbringing. Many gay men who grew up in a religious household feel enormous guilt about this and do everything in their power to hide it and live a straight life. trust me, I know, as my daughter is dating a boy who I KNOW is gay. He also has a religious, strict background and parents. I would bet everything I own he is gay and no matter how many conversations we have, she just is in denial. I knwo she is in for heartache in the future.

Don't ignore your gut instincts here. It is always going to haunt you. From what I know straight men do NOT subscribe to gay sites. If this were my husband and I found that i could not ignore it. No way.

I agree with what Brooke said about people being bi - you either are straight, gay or confused. I think bi sexual is a politically correct term for sexual confusion, but that is just my opinion. I think most people who can have sex with both lean towards one or the other and maybe their sex drive and libido is so high they can have sex with both. But a man hiding gay website profiles is a huge redflag. if he were truly bi sexual, you should have known that being his partner. That is not something you hide from the person you love, and if it were a case of pure bi sexuality would that make you feel better that he has been living this duplicitous life?

I don't think people are bi. I think they're either straight gay or confused but that's just my opinion.

Geez, thanks for your "opinion" that has nothing to do with the matter being discussed and that if you wanted to raise, you could at least provide some reasoning or evidence for why you have a better grasp of human sexuality than anyone that is bisexual

Maybe he was curious at one point, or more likely just engaging in some sort of internet fantasy. I definitely can understand your confusion but try to keep in mind that it is above all the present that really matters and I gathered from your post that he's no longer active on these sites so you can at least be comforted that he's not cheating on you and that even if he was seriously exploring relationships with men, he's now with you and that's what should matter.

Another thing is honesty. Gays/Lesbians and Bisexuals are still very much looked down upon by society so it probably would be hard for him to even fess up to having thought about a relationship with another man even if he now knows he is totally heterosexual. So you should try to encourage a relationship where little if anything about eachotherss past is hidden.

I'm not sure this advice was anything you didn't already know, but I hope it helps.

Another thing is honesty. Gays/Lesbians and Bisexuals are still very much looked down upon by society so it probably would be hard for him to even fess up to having thought about a relationship with another man even if he now knows he is totally heterosexual. So you should try to encourage a relationship where little if anything about eachotherss past is hidden.

I understand and feel for the gay community in this regard, but since this post is about the OP that doesn't help her much that he might keep it hidden because of shame or being ostracized by society. Since she is the one seeking advice I think most were just looking at this from her point of view. I am very sensitive to how it must feel to be afraid to come out, but at the same time all i can tell the OP is run. She is not responsible for his fears of coming out. She is responsible for her own happiness.

I gathered from your post that he's no longer active on these sites so you can at least be comforted that he's not cheating on you and that even if he was seriously exploring relationships with men, he's now with you and that's what should matter.

I am not sure she feels any comfort by this. Cheating occurs long before the actual physical act IMO. If he has been on sites this long and more than likely chatting with these guys, cheating emotionally has probably already taken place. Not knocking your post or opinions, but just saying that I don't think there would be any comfort at all for me if my husband was on all of those gay sites even if he had never touched a man. The desire would be enough to make me feel i never knew him at all and our relationship was a lie.

ONe question for you - just because a person is afraid of being ostracized by society over their preferences, is that an excuse to hide from the women you are supposed to love that you are bisexual? We can call it confused gender orientation or bi sexuality. I don't think the term is the issue but rather the fact that it was hidden from his partner. No matter what society thinks, the one he is in a relationship should know. Tihs is a huge matter to keep under wraps. I would feel really betrayed.

I feel everyone has a right to pursue happiness and if they are gay, bi, confused, straight...whatever, they do owe their life partner the honesty of letting them know if they are on sex sites. The fact that they are gay sites I think is really not the issue. The real issue is that he was on sex personal sites period, regardless of the gender. I honestly don't think it would be any more of a relief for her if these were sites where he was seeking out other women. We can safely take gender persuasion out of the equation. It is alarming either/ or.

I'm all for total honesty but lets look at the fact that you've totally distorted.

Fact: He had an account on a gay site but by the posters own admission, of the two sites she'd found one of them he was no longer a member of and the second one he had no history of ever having so much as talked to anyone on it as she says in the text I'm quoting.

As for should he hide that he's bisexual? Like I said I'm all for total honesty in relationships but the fact is that some things are invariably going to be harder to reveal to a partner than others and that's what I meant by encouraging the poster to keep fostering an environment where he is comfortable telling her anything and everything.

I'm all for total honesty but lets look at the fact that you've totally distorted.

 

Fact: He had an account on a gay site but by the posters own admission, of the two sites she'd found one of them he was no longer a member of and the second one he had no history of ever having so much as talked to anyone on it as she says in the text I'm quoting.

 

 

 

As for should he hide that he's bisexual? Like I said I'm all for total honesty in relationships but the fact is that some things are invariably going to be harder to reveal to a partner than others and that's what I meant by encouraging the poster to keep fostering an environment where he is comfortable telling her anything and everything.

All of the accounts were not inactive. That is enough dishonesty for me. I wouldn't care if it were a site seeking females or males. I don't think it appropriate that he gets a get outta jail free card here just because he was on a "friend finder" type site just becaues it was same sex participants. It was totally dishonest.

I would feel the same if my partner were on an adult friend finder with a personal ad seeking other females.

It's dishonesty plain and simple. And fostering an environment where he can confide in her is fine and dandy, but are you saying if he confides in her that he wants to hook up with a guy makes it okay because he is telling her about it?

I don't think you can dispute the fact that this guy is way TOO confused to be in a relationship with her. What is she supposed to be a martyr and embrace his gender confusion? She can embrace it as a FRIEND but not as a partner. That would be a bit too much to expect her to have to deal with. This topic is not about being sensitive to someone who might have gay tendencies. It is about a woman realizing her partner may be gay and thereforeeee their relationship possibly being based on lies. It doesn't matter if a person is the most understanding person on earth toward gay people...this is about HER life and her partner. I think she has a lot to consider here and quite possibly walk away from it if she is this unsure about his proclivities.

If he were a friend of hers and not her partner, my advice would be totally different. I would tell her that i think she should be a very understanding friend and lend a shoulder. But being her partner changes the dynamic and playing field dramatically.

Here is a hypothetical for you. Let's say you are a gay male. I don't know if you are or not, that is irrelevant. Let's say you are for the sake of this example. You discovered your partner had sexual ads on line seeking a female partner. would you not feel betrayed? Have the wind knocked out of you? Wonder if he is very confused about his sexuality? Or if you are straight, same question. Your girl is placing ads on sites that are intended to solicit sexual partners or cyber partners. Let's say she is soliciting other guys. even if she never met them, would you feel comfortable with that? Or would you think "man, this girl has the PROPENSITY to cheat on me"?

You are completely putting words in my mouth.

If she has a problem with him on a friend finder site which for all I know might be the equivalent of my facebook account, then she can ask him to close his account. What I said was that there's no history or reason to believe that he's cheating on her or looking to cheat on her based on what she posted. And indeed the fact that one of the sites he's no longer a member of and the other it seems he doesn't use support that. She's completely in her right to ask him to stop using the friend finder site, but for you to compare him having an account on there to him cheating is ludicrous.

And to answer your question, no. Only a deranged person would look at my post telling her that she should make sure they feel close enough to confide in eachother with "OMGGGG THAT MEANS HE GETS A FREE PASS TO CHEAT!!!"

I've said nothing of the sort to give the impression that I thought that. Indeed one would think the fact that I'm evaluating whether or not there is evidence that he's cheated on her to lead to the conclusion that I think cheating on her is wrong and would be grounds to end the relationship.

What I said was that there's no history or reason to believe that he's cheating on her or looking to cheat on her based on what she posted

But what you are not considering is that some people feel like intent to cheat is just as bad as doing it. If my husband puts up an ad seeking partners on these sex finder sites, his intent is already there. It doesn't matter to me if he never acted on it. The propensity is there and I think it is only a matter of time before it happens. And if it never does, his mind is wandering and I'd never feel comfortable again.

The physical act of cheating is by far not the only thing that ruins relationships. You said is there evidence or not to prove he cheated. All I am saying is that for many people, just the fact that your partner could place an ad soliciting it is all the proof they need that his mind is on it.

If my husband placed an online ad soliciting an encounter on one of these sites, i would know in my heart it is over for us because he had the intent even if he chickened out or whatever reason it didn't pan out.

You seemed to have re-edited your post after I responded to it so I'll need to make another.

Here is a hypothetical for you. Let's say you are a gay male. I don't know if you are or not, that is irrelevant. Let's say you are for the sake of this example. You discovered your partner had sexual ads on line seeking a female partner. would you not feel betrayed? Have the wind knocked out of you? Wonder if he is very confused about his sexuality? Or if you are straight, same question. Your girl is placing ads on sites that are intended to solicit sexual partners or cyber partners. Let's say she is soliciting other guys. even if she never met them, would you feel comfortable with that? Or would you think "man, this girl has the PROPENSITY to cheat on me"?

This hypothetical does not serve as a real analogy to the situation though. He was not "soliciting" gay men on the site, his profile section was EMPTY without any messages sent or received between him or anyone else and created before he was in a relationship with the original poster.

He should absolutely have closed this account like he had done with his other account once he'd got in a serious relationship with her. But what I'm saying is that because the site has never been used the sign points more to the fact that he forgot to close his account considering his "active" account has never been used.

I don't think you can dispute the fact that this guy is way TOO confused to be in a relationship with her. What is she supposed to be a martyr and embrace his gender confusion? She can embrace it as a FRIEND but not as a partner. That would be a bit too much to expect her to have to deal with. This topic is not about being sensitive to someone who might have gay tendencies. It is about a woman realizing her partner may be gay and thereforeeee their relationship possibly being based on lies. It doesn't matter if a person is the most understanding person on earth toward gay people...this is about HER life and her partner. I think she has a lot to consider here and quite possibly walk away from it if she is this unsure about his proclivities.

We don't know much about their relationship but the OP seemed to want help on if the relationship can be saved and I think that this is a possibility.

You're assuming alot of things. Namely that he is a definite homosexual. This isn't necessarily the case, much less that he's "gender confused". Based on what's been posted theirs the possibility that he's

1) Gay and hiding it (but one should emphasize not currently cheating on her), in this scenario the relationship will promptly come to an end when the truth finally is uncovered.

2) That he's bisexual, and that before he met the poster he joined these sites to experiment. In this case the relationship still can be saved.

3) That the guy is telling the truth and that this site was just a good source of porn (loads of straight males love lesbian porn) in which case he's probably embarrassed that she thinks he's gay but the relationship can continue in this case as well.

I'm not asking her to be a martyr, but at the same time you're making it out to seem that he's definitely gay and the relationship is doomed. I'm telling the poster that if she cares about this guy that all hope isn't lost and indeed there's a good chance that the relationship can continue if he's telling the truth and isn't gay (or is bisexual).

I am not trying to be argumentative, but I don't think you are grasping my point. Point being that when a partner puts up ads (and he put up MULTIPLE ads, some inactive now, some were not) with the intent to solicit a partner, the intent to cheat is there. I even said several times that his being gay is not even the whole crux of the issue. It is that he had the INTENT and thereforeeee the propensity to cheat exists.

If she can live with his propensity to cheat, that willl be up to her. I am only here to give her several different angles upon which to examine this. And my own PERSONAL advice is that if I found this out, it wuold shatter a great deal of my trust in my partner. Since these were gay sites, the shattering of trust is tenfold beacuse when you find out a partner might be gay, right or wrong it can really do an even STRONGER number on your self esteem.

Ask any woman who found out she was cheated on by her guy and it was wtih another guy. Trust me I know women who had this happen. For some reason the betrayal cuts even deeper because even tho maybe it shouldn't, when you find out a partner is gay you feel even more hard on yourself and feel maybe it was YOU and you did something wrong....even tho that is never the case. But that doesn't make it feel any less painful.

I am not trying to be argumentative, but I don't think you are grasping my point. Point being that when a partner puts up ads (and he put up MULTIPLE ads, some inactive now, some were not) with the intent to solicit a partner, the intent to cheat is there. I even said several times that his being gay is not even the whole crux of the issue. It is that he had the INTENT and thereforeeee the propensity to cheat exists.

I definitely agree that the optics of having an account on a network site, a gay network site at that, are not great. But taking a look at what she found causes a lot of questions but isn't even evidence of intent to cheat.

The one site was closed down 4 months ago, so that's not intent to cheat. The other site had no conversation/message history with anyone else and it had no comments or profile to speak of except for the boys name. Ideally he should have closed down that other site upon getting in a relationship with the poster but the fact that it was totally empty and he had no contacts at all or evidence of him so much as using the profile/site means that there's not even evidence of an intent to speak of.

I get what you're saying that someone in a relationship shouldn't be posting solicitiations. But as far as I read the situation in the post the one gay site that he was a member of had no solicitations or profile page to speak of which means probably no intent to cheat.

I'm not saying that she should not keep pushing the issue or even take him up on the offer to look through his email or browsing history to see if he has cheated since things do look suspicious, but based on what she's found there's not much to suggest cheating OR intent to cheat in my opinion.

Superfreak, it was a dating site. Not a networking site. I think of myspace and facebook, etc when I think networking sites. When I think of dating sites I think link removed or Adult Friend Finder, or for a gay male link removed. Dating sites and profiles are not created to find friends, even tho thousands of men and women who have been cuaght putting the ads up will tell their partner that is what it is for.

To the OP, what type of dating sites were these? There are two types basically...the kind where you seek legit dates and others that offer "illicit encounters" which basically are paid sites helping people to cheat on their partners. Do you know which type this was? Either/or, he still at some point had intent to hook up if it was a dating site. The thought obviously rolled around in his head at some point. If he were networking he'd have been on something like myspace.

hey everyone, thanks for your input but i think i need to clear a few things up. First of all, when I found the first sight 4 months ago he hadn't been on it since 2005...I didn't even know him in 2005. When he saw how uncomfortable I was with it he immediately deleted it and apologized for making me feel uncomfortable. He said the site was a good place to find porn, and that was somthing he looked at before we were together. The other two sites worried me at first, but I really am starting to believe what he says. On the site that was already inactive, it said he joined in 2004 but was no longer a member. The second site had NO information on it whatsoever (only that random user name) and there was absolutely no history on it. It also said the last time someone was on it was in 2004.

I was still feeling uncomfortable last night so I brought it up again. He told me that he definitely did not make those sites, and he thinks his username, password, and email address was leaked from the first site. He even showed me an e-mail he had written to the site eariler in the day with his concerns that information might have been leaked. He also wrote to AOL thinking they might have leaked something. His friend was a member on the first site, so he said he is going to ask him if he thinks any of his info was leaked too. He even told his parents that some info had been leaked onto other sites, and that they should make sure all of their stuff is safe too.

I love him more than anything, and I do not think he is active in these types of sites anymore. Also, none of them seemed like dating sites at all, more like just sites to get porn. I think if my boyfriend had a secret life I would know about it by now. My main thought was that he was once interested in these sorts of things, and I told him last night that even if he was considering it at one point, but now realizes he wants to be with me, I am totally fine with that. I made it clear that I just want him to be honest with me. He seemed pretty down after that conversation because he though I didn't trust him. I hadn't seen him that sad in a while and he kept reassuring me that we were going to be fine. He said "I would never keep anything like that from you, you 're my soul mate...I can tell you anything" He is also going to a new college next year so he can focus more on what he is good at, and he said there is no way he would ever go if he thought it would hurt our relationship.

I hope that helpe clear up some issues.

I was still feeling uncomfortable last night so I brought it up again. He told me that he definitely did not make those sites, and he thinks his username, password, and email address was leaked from the first site. He even showed me an e-mail he had written to the site eariler in the day with his concerns that information might have been leaked.

You do have to know, however, that everyone who has ever been found out in this situation says the same thing. I have heard people say that their partners said a friend signed them up as a joke, that they were spammed, part of a set up, all sorts of things. I am not surprised he is telling you this. I am sure to cover embarrassment.

I think that the liklihood that they really were his sites is about 90% or higher. The thing you have to ask yourself now is are you okay with that, and are you sure none have been active. There are some sites that people don't even have to use. The account would look inactive but people can click on usernames and send emails directly to that person. So unless you have also seen his email account or IM history you can't be certain nothing came of them.

I don't want to sound like a susipcious person, but I have just heard way too many stories where someone is discovered on these sites and they come up with all sorts of lies to get out of it. No doubt he sent that email to AOL since you had already confronted him about it.

I woudl suggest moving forward with him, but being cautious and keep your eyes open for awhile until you have more comfort about him being true. I don't think this is necessarily a reason to dump him, but it is reason to be more aware of what is going on.

I'm glad to hear that the situation has gotten better. As far as I can tell he seems to be acting fairly reasonably and being forthright with you which is a good sign.

It's good that you told him that even if he is bisexual that what matters most is he's in a monogamous relationship with you. Your reaction has shown remarkable character on your part so good on you.

Geez, thanks for your "opinion" that has nothing to do with the matter being discussed and that if you wanted to raise, you could at least provide some reasoning or evidence for why you have a better grasp of human sexuality than anyone that is bisexual

See that would be why I said opinion because I don't actually know for a fact. It's talking about homosexuality so I'm pretty sure the issue of being bisexual ties in there somewhere. That's exactly the problem with this site. You can never post your honest opinion. If your believe people honestly are bisexual good for your I don't really care. My older brother is gay and he thought he was bi at one time. That's where I got that from so theres your reasoning...

Hi everyone, some more things have happened and I'm feeling worse than ever...

Last week my boyfriend came over to my apartment. He said he wanted to have sex but I said no cause I had way too much work to do. I was studying for finals in my kitchen and at around 3am my boyfriend said he was really tired and wanted to go to bed. About 30 mins later I went into my room to get something and he was laying in bed, but looking at something on his laptop. I went over there to see what it was, but he clicked to a new page right when I got there. I asked him if I could see the other page about 5 times until he finally showed me. It was porn. He clicked out of it right away, and I couldn't tell if it was gay or straight porn. But I wasn't thinking clearly, and I thought that just because I saw male genitals that it must have been gay porn. When I told him that he got REALLY mad and said he had to go home. He said he was mad/sad that I don't trust him and that I could ever think he's gay. After about 30 mins of yelling at each other we calmed down, and things kinda went back to normal.

Well, I was still a little curious and today I looked around a little more. I found his yahoo page with the same weird screen name and this is what I found:

His email address was deactivated in 2005

His profile hadn't been updated since 2004

I checked his groups and I found 5 pages of porn groups...some straight, some bi, some gay, some transsexual.

This confirms that he has been curious at least at one point.

How do I know if he is still curious?

He shows so much compassion towards me, and I can easily turn him on, and I think if he wanted a man I wouldn't be able to have that kind of affect on him. I just don't want to be that girl who finds out 15 years later that she's married to a gay man...especially if I have the signs right in front of me.

So I guess my question is...what do I do now?

I've created two options for myself, but if anyone has any other ideas I am extremely open to anything. I just really need help.

Option #1 - Accept the fact that he has had homosexual desires in the past, but now he knows what he wants (or at least hope he knows what he wants). Look at all the sings that he really is into me, and that he loves me, e.g. (how he reacted the first time he said I love you, the way he looks at me, how happy he is, how well he treats me, how much he talks about me, how open he's been to let me into his life so much, how much he says he wants to be with me for the rest of his life). Understand that it is such a hard thing to admit to, especially when you have been brought up in an extremely catholic family. And know that the only thing that matters is right now.

-or-

Option #2 - Tell him everything. Tell him that no matter how much he tells me he has never had homosexual desires that I do not believe him. Tell him that I have found too much evidence and I know he has had these feelings at one piont. Tell him I love him no matter what and I don't want to lose him. Tell him that I don't care about his past curiosity - only as long as it is definitely in the past. Tell him I understand it is such a hard thing to admit to, but that he doesn't need to admit it because the proof is there that he was curious.

Any time I think about either of these options I just start crying because I'm so scared that this whole relationship has been a lie and I am going to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. Before meeting him I was really depressed because my dad had passed away when I was eighteen (2 years ago) and he was the only person that was able to make me feel better and lift me out of my depression (I refused to be on anti depressnats at the age of eighteen). But now I'm starting to feel depressed again, because I feel like there is nothing I can do. If he ends up being gay with current gay desires, there is nothing I can do about it...just like I couldn't do anything about losing my dad. I can't go back to that place but I feel like that might happen. I just need help.

okay just one more thought...

I feel like if I don't talk to him about this I am going to slowly kill the relationship becuase I won't be 100% happy. But if I do #2 am I forcing him to come out? Even if he's just coming out to me becuase i would NEVER tell anyone. I can't make someone feel like they have to come out. But that's assuming he still is gay. AHHH!

Hey girl, I just wanted to say that I've been in your situation and that I wish that I could tell you what to do...I started dating my best friend who incessantly complimented my looks/body/everything. He was such a sweetheart, yet I soon came to believe that he was gay. I ended the relationship. Quite honestly, I never figured out the best thing to do. That being said, this is what I learned in my situation. Consider this a self-compiled red flag list:

1) My bf was raised in an EXTREMELY religious household. His parents would have probably disowned him if he ever came out. After much deliberation, I came to the conclusion that there are many more religious closet cases than almost anyone expects...I mean, let's just look at the priesthood, shall we?

2) My bf had sex issues with me...I wanted it way more than he did, and he usually wanted anal (despite his strict religious upbringing and no prior experience with this act). He went limp SEVERAL times inside of me (19/20 year-old guy here ladies - I was 21/22 at the time). HOWEVER, he bragged to his friends IN FRONT OF ME about our "kinky" sex life. I was always like...what? Can I please join this kinky world of sexual satisfaction? I would have been pissed if another bf had talked like that to his friends (esp in front of me), but I was honestly just confused...It was like this great mystery that I couldn't solve. Also, after we broke up, I spoke with his ex, and she basically had the same experience.

3) My bf acted like a "man's man." In fact...he overcompensated. He could fix my car, he could weld, he played poker a lot, etc. He also made derrogatory remarks about women, but not in a normal way... Remember, I told you that this guy was really sweet...it was extremely bizarre.

4) My bf was a "serial monogamist." He never let himself be seen without a gf since he was 15...not even for a week. Despite bragging about his sexual exploits with his friends, he obviously needed a gf for something. Hmmm, perhaps his chin was just cold...

5) He did have "metro" qualities such as wine tasting, fashion, neat freak, a preoccupation with being classy. Trust me, I know this means nothing. However, for a 19 year-old guy from the Texas sticks...it could mean something.

6) My bf always talked about his roommate's body, but at the time I thought he was just maybe insecure or something. His roommate did have a really good body.

7) My bf (as far as I know) did not watch gay porn. He didn't watch porn...and talked about that frequently to me. What would he tell his guy friends? Probably something entirely different.

8) Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, my bf was an EXTREME HOMOPHOBE. I'm not talking your typical, stupid guy comments that you know don't really mean much. I'm talking in every conversaton, no matter whom he was talking to, he had to indelibly say something derogatory about gays. Oh yes, he always made sure to comment about how he "obviously still liked women." He feared gay guys and feared being thought of as gay.

By the way, I felt forced to end the relationship because I felt he was so obviously not sexually satisfied (though again, you'd never know it the way he spoke about his sex like and how much he loved "women" - guys that age down here usually prefer the term "girls.") He had a gf by the end of the week, same old pattern. I hooked up with him once when we were trying to stay friends (during this first week). I was honestly just kinda flattered and relieved that he was attracted to me. However, since he only wanted me when he couldn't have me, he couldn't get it up. He just pretended like nothing happened and left the room.

So, obviously these signs can all be explained away...but when they all come together? I just wanted to try to give you a semi-solid list of "red flags" since most sites try to be so p.c. about this stuff.

Your boyfriend sounds like a harder case than mine (haha, I'll leave in that accidental pun). Your boyfriend sounds amazing, but I would be worried too. I did want to say that most porn does have a lot of male genetalia in it, so he could have been watching main-stream stuff afterall. Just be as supportive as possible. He could just be a great straight guy afterall who was once curious. Y'all still sound young!

By the way, my ex bf is still not out... He recently broke up with another gf... I talk to him, but he has steadily become more and more of an ass about his womanizing abilities and anti-gay sentiments. I recognize the fact that this could all be in my head and that we may just not have been a good match, but I personally could not deal with it any longer.

I don't know if any of my ramblings helped, but I just wanted you to know that more girls than you think deal with this. Good luck!