Your views on ultimatums?

I have another thread running but I wanted to ask something specific here. Long story short - 3 yr casual relationship. I wanted more, he was very hot/cold wishy washy. Very little intimacy. Mostly on his terms....with my collaboration!

I had been in NC for a month. He occasionaly texted asking how I am and once invited me out. I only replied once to decline the invitation. Now he has texted asking "why are we not talking anymore?".

Blender gave me a great suggestion a while back. Don't respond to his contacts or respond with "If you have discovered you are interested in an exclusive relationship with me, then you may call me, if not please do not contact me, thanks."

It does sum it up for me but I need some support!

I'd like to hear your views on ultimatums. What do you think?

Where is the ultimatum here? I think that word might correctly describe what you've typed above, but its a bit harsher of a word than what you've typed deserves. You are merely saying that you want to be exclusive...and don't want to be used in the meantime. I think that if this is the ultimatum you are describing, then my "views on ultimatums" are that they are perfectly fine.

It's really not an ultimatum, it's a self respecting mature clear way to show him that YOU have grown, and will not allow him to drift in and out of your life with texting that is meaningless. And yes it might scare him off, but why does that bother you? I know it's difficult to have the courage to love yourself enough to have some standards and values for your own heart, but it is a new way of attracting the right kind of love into your life, and if your ex does not have the "intentions" of meeting you at a level YOU deserve and want, then that's HIS problem, not yours. right?

But if that type of wording doesn't work for you, then the most powerful thing I can suggest now is that IF you do reply, (because you don't have to, sometimes if you don't reply then if the ex really does have "sincere good intentions" they will eventually make more of an effort to reveal thier emotions) but maybe that is NOT the case here, so again IF you are going to respond, then send something very clear so HE that has the "emotional responsiblity" for himself, put it back on him with a questions, this can be very empowering and powerful, be clear: a mature kind response of: "I'm wondering, what are you're intentions in contacting me?"

This should not scare a "sincere" man away, and will also allow him the opportunity to state any "sincere reasons" for wanting to contact you, and then YOU will be clear as to "why" he's calling, and if he responds in a sincere loving way, then you can you make a choice as to IF you want to keep in touch with him,

However, if he does NOT respond in a mature loving way, than that is HIS problem, and you can take a deep breath and thank god you are no longer putting your energy into a relationship with an immature, ego driven guy who might be contacting you because of his own needs, ego, or curiosity.. so IF you respond, just ask one question, "I'm wondering, what are your intentions in contacting me?"

If he sends a simple, "just wanted to know how you are".. then you do NOT respond, or you send the: If you have discovered you are interested in making an effort to be in an exclusive relationship with me, then you may call me, if not please do not contact me, thanks."

i think with any ultimatum you have to be prepared to walk and never look back. If you are going to go into an ultimatum with the hope that this will draw them in ..then.... you aren't really doing yourself any justice.

thats my opinion.

I also come from the school of thought that if someone really wanted something they would go after it and you wouldn't need the ultimatum in the first place.

You had 3 years to understand each other. Your request can hardly be a surprise to him, so it's simply a statement.

At least he'll know where he stands.

I've given the exact same advice as Blender and do not consider it an ultimatum. It is simply stating your boundaries in a succint and respectful way.

Guys,

thanks for your advice and support. what you say all makes sense to me. I went with "I'm wondering, what are your intentions in contacting me?" (thank you blender). Just sent it. Feel weirdly anxious!

I know the "ultimatum" wasn't an unreasonable statement to make given the history. I will internalise it for now!

Nilli, you did what was self respecting and right for YOU. This is the most empowering healing thing.. no matter what the outcome you can feel good about yourself, and how mature, self respecting and responsible you are for your own heart. Celebrate your independence and your self respecting way of handling this... now the balls in his court, he will either know how to respectfully do this or he won't.. either way, YOU can feel good about how YOU are behaving... you have class, strength, self respect, and can take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back, and get busy with YOUR day... good for you.

I wanted to add that it depends on how you define "ultimatum" - whenever I was deciding whether to date someone there were certain issues that came up where I had to enforce certain limits or boundaries - it could be our views on timing of intimacy, goals related to marriage, if he had kids, his views on whether/how I should meet them, views on exclusivity and what that meant, and each time something like that came up I would make my position clear.

I would not ask him to change his views but the outcome might be that we wouldn't date based on different views or incompatible values. If I said I would not date because of x or y that wouldn't be an "ultimatum" would it? Similarly, you realizing that you now have certain conditions or boundaries and stating them isn't a "comply or I'm leaving" - rather it's "I've discovered we now have incompatible goals - if your goals ever change, call me." I think there's a difference.

And - yes - bravo for you!!

You must feel so proud of yourself!!!! Can you imagine him just staring at that text? Thinking, wow, she expects ME to be responsible for my actions and intentions? Now what? I can't play games with her anymore... she's a class act, hmm... maybe I can throw a few more crumbs again and see what she does? Or I can run away for awhile and ignore it, she might "come around".. or... I can tell her exactly why I'm contacting her.. and it will either be "enough" for me to just say: "I was being nice and wanted to know how you're doing"..(UGH) so Nilli, be prepared that HE might not be as grown up as you are right now... do not take that personally, that will be HIS problem.. let us know if you hear from him... it might take him awhile to absorb this, because he's not use to responding to a self respecting classy girl like YOU. No matter what he does, you can feel so good about the fact that you are now choosing to be in control of your own life, and set some self respecting boundaries.. this will lead to attracting so many wonderful things into your life...

Batya and Blender,

thank you for the support! It felt wonderful to read. He hasn't replied but I was prepared for that and I too am smiling at the idea of him perhaps having to read it twice before understanding.

I feel ok.

Thank you

his reply:

"It was only to see you. I wanted to know how things are with you and tell you about me...all kinds of things have happened at work. I was harmless"

The 'I was harmless part' is to reassure me that he wasn't after sex..he's said it that way before.

This is what I read into it:

He wants someone to talk to about himself and what's going on in his life.

Well, I never expected a declaration so I feel ok with his reply and I'm thinking... no change there then.

Would now be a good time to tell him not to contact me unless he wants a relationship? Ignore?

i say the former, definitely. to ignore him would be a bit rude after you asked him a question, i think. so yeah tell him not to contact you unless he's looking for a relationship. very simple and to the point. good luck!!

"Thank you for your e-mail and I understand that you have a lot going on. I would love to chat with you about that and other things but at this point, I am too busy to do that unless we are on the same page about dating each other in order to see if there is potential for a serious relationship. If you believe we are on the same page, feel free to contact me and if I am still interested and available we can get together. If we are not on the same page I wish you all the best and I would prefer that you not contact me. Take care,____."

If you dont' reply right now that is fine, allow him to sit with the fact that you are not jumping to your feet just because he responded with a few simple words.. mostly about HIS needs..

If you do respond, keep it simple, short, and wait a day or so before doing so..

I'd keep your response to one or two lines at the most, and I'd wait a day or so to send it... give it some space for him to think about what HE wrote to you... breathing room is good, it will allow him to THINK.... and you can think through why you wish to respond and what to say but it's important for your own well being to be very clear about YOUR values/standards, so I think a self respecting response would be:

"If you have discovered you are interested in making an effort towards an exclusive relationship for us, then of course you may call me, if not then please respectfully understand that it's best we don't have contact right now, thanks."

This leaves the door open for him to contact you if and when he is ever sincerely wanting to be mature, serious and make a respectful effort to win back YOUR precious heart, if not, then you can feel good about setting some self respecting boundaries and no longer engaging in text contact that only leads to confusing frustrating lingering doubts for you... so take control and speak your truth in a clear simple way....

Would you feel good about setting this realistic self respecting boundary? Just know that it's up to you to "define" what you are willing to participate in with him, and right now he's testing the waters and is frustrated that he might have to be "up to your standards" and that's a GOOD THING for him to feel... it's about time he knows that YOU are a classy self respecting girl whom he would have to make a sincere respectful effort towards IF he's ever going to be able to provoke anything real to happen... if not, then his loss.. and you can feel good about yourself, and remember that YOU are NOT interested in any guy who is not willing to make a sincere intentional effort to win YOUR precious heart..

Setting clear boundaries is so freeing and healing, it's the best way to let him know where you stand, and also to find out where he SINCERELY stands as well... you will always feel good in the long run, if you are clear and honest.. and it's always good to wait a bit to respond.. take your time, think, breathe... and then make a choice about what you would like to do and say in yourreply.

Remember there's no emergency here.. so allow him a chance to think... and wonder... give it a day or so. Let us know how you're doing. best, Blender

Thanks again Blender and Batya! Your replies are very much appreciated.

I haven't replied yet and today I'm not planning on doing so. I feel a bit apathetic, which is preferable to being over emotional. I feel a little resigned I suppose.

I was thinking earlier that in the past 4/5 months I've only actually seen him once. I never fully realised this before. I am surprised. Just goes to show how 'convinced' I was that we were in some way involved. We spent a large chunk of that time with almost daily msn contact. I realise now how bad this was for me...I had justified it as being patient and understanding.

I need to make new friends and stop spending so much time alone!