Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 35

Thread: Why is My Wife Insecure

  1. #21

    I'm in the same boat

    I'm in the same boat. My wife gets major jealous. I started using Facebook and added a whole bunch of my old friends and acquaintances, some of which were female. When she saw them on there she flipped and we fought about it for weeks until I gave in and stopped using Facebook altogether. Her rationale was that other women would temp me and that I would be more jealous if she had men on her profile.

    She keeps me on a short leash by calling me all the time. She used to call me when I would go out for coffee with my friends every time and ask me when I was coming home. My friends wives never did that. Noticed I used the past tense...I don't go out with friends any more because she makes me feel guilty about it.

    Guilt is her weapon against me. Also any time I planned to go out with my friends or wanted to go to the gym for an hour or so she would insist that I put the kids to bed first. I do that every night so it's kind of insulting why she can't do it once or twice a month. She on the other hand goes to the gym or out for dinner with friends and I am still putting the kids to bed after she goes out. (That's a bit of a double standard)

    I sympathize with envirodude because I am living in the same abusive environment. People tell me to put my foot down like all of you are telling him to do, but I can tell you that it would make my life a living hell if I did. As soon as a show any resistance out comes the guilt hammer and she's looking for any excuse to start a fight. She'll bring up old fights and pick me apart until I feel so depressed I just want to die. One time I told her I just wanted to kill myself I was so sad. She told me that if I ever tried that she would call the police and have me put in an mental hospital. She showed absolutely no sympathy even though I was being truly sincere about my feelings.

    The only way I cope now is by being on anti-depressants. She will never go to counseling because in her opinion I am the one with all of the problems and she is just fed up with me. I think the only solution is for me to leave her for a while and see if she actually wants me back. The only way I could take her back would be if we both went to a counselor. Only after that would we get back together.

    The problem is that kids complicate things and we have two. If I leave it would totally screw up their lives. We're also maxed out financially so we'd loose our house. Oh yeah, she takes care of the finances so that's another way she has control over me.

    I'm just...well you know the four letter word that fits.

  2. #22
    JadedStar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    On a star far, far away...
    Posts
    16,125
    WOW. You deserve some type of medal of courage! Eighteen years dealing wtih this? Whoa man...that is a LONG time to go thru this. What she is doing is hinging on verbal abuse even...if you have not given her any reason to be this irrational, and it does not sound like you have, then this could be considered a bit abusive. You are a prisoner in your marriage. And despite this, you started this off by saying you have had a wonderful marriage, that speaks VOLUMES for your character. You sound like a good man who deserves much better than this.

    I suggest you put your foot down immediately. Tell her that you adore her but enough is enough. Tell her that these insane thoughts that are dancing around in her head are going to destroy your marriage. Tell her that she is creating a self fulfilling prophecy as in if she continues to accuse you of these things, you are eventually going to be tired of the accusations and just leave to find someone else.

    Would she be happy then? no doubt that will open her eyes. Tell her you have been wtih her this long for a REASON. Because you LOVE her and no one else but if she does not start treating you with some serious respect and soon you are OUT the door.

    I would tell her either she gets counseling and starts making strides for improvement, or the counsel that is seeked next will be in the form of legal counsel, as in a divorce attorney.

    That will wake her up.

  3. #23
    JadedStar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    On a star far, far away...
    Posts
    16,125
    To those of you men who are terrified of the guilt hammer, what are you allowing guilt to creep in for? Stand firm, don't allow that emotion to take hold of you. Can't you look her in the eye and tell her that if she accuses you one more time of messing with some women you are going to go out and do it?

    Tell her that if you are going to be accused of it, you might as well have some fun and actually do it. Of course I don't mean to really do it, but heck make her realize you are not her whipping boy. Look at your username! Take control of your life today.
    Last edited by JadedStar; 05-04-2007 at 07:10 PM.

  4. #24
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Oregon
    Age
    44
    Posts
    139
    Gender
    Male
    envirodude - I can relate to what your wife is going through. I for years have been obsessing over the apparent fact that everything my wife did was somehow related to her wanting to cheat on me, leave me, or otherwise screw me over. It started off fairly weak, but over time it grew stronger and stronger. I had this constant analysis going through my head, thinking and double-guessing how her action obviously showed signs she wanted to cheat. I mean, objectively, really really stupid things. I would do little passive-aggressive things to try to prevent any possibility of her cheating, which pretty much caused her to be rather miserable as "everything she did was wrong". So she started keeping secrets from me, not because they were things that she should have to hide, but rather because they were things I would go nuts over that were pointless to go nuts over. And in truth, eventually I did drive her to have an emotional affair with another man, because I could not really provide what she needed during this time.
    I found out about the affair, and went all the more ballistic - this was hard evidence that I was right all along. The truth is, no it is not - it is evidence that I have been treating her horribly.
    The thing that woke me up was reading about co-dependency. It sounds like it is possible your wife is co-dependent, and that this could be driving much of her actions. I know when I actually read about it, it felt like a 1,000 ton weight came off my shoulders... I don't know if it fully matches the situation, but I would recommend reading over co-dependency and perhaps urge your wife to also.

  5.  

  6. 05-07-2007, 01:10 PM

  7. #25
    Member Dixie's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    30
    Gender
    Female
    I'm not saying your wife is being unfaithful but when my first husband acted like this toward me... in the long run.. I found out it was him who was being unfaithful. Good luck sweetie.

  8. #26
    Bronze Member Mrs Elliott Smith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Age
    39
    Posts
    211
    Gender
    Female
    To me it seems, now I may be wrong, that she is just a tad controlling. Look at your life. No friends? No hobbies? Next thing you know, you'll be walking around with your eyes shut.

    I have had issues with my boyfriend back in the day (we've been together for 6 years now)-- but it was me who didn't trust him. I was always suspicious. Even when I had no legitimate reason to be. But he seemed to deal with me in a good way, because I think his demeanor is what changed my attitude.

    He acted as if he was very indifferent as to whether I trusted him or not... like it didn't matter to him. He would say to me: "If you don't trust me, then that's your problem, you have to deal with that-- not me, I am not doing anything wrong, and I'm giving you no reason to think I'm doing anything wrong. If you can't trust me, that's your problem." This may sound harsh, but he didn't say it in a nasty way, just in a nonchalant, matter-of-fact kinda way. Of course it bothered me for a time, but after a while, I realized that he was right. It wasn't his problem, it was mine, and I had to somehow deal with it and get over it and change my ways of thinking. I don't know how it happened, but I'm way different nowadays.

    What I'm trying to say is this: Perhaps all this proving you're trying to do, all this reassurance, is actually being counterproductive. It only seems to be working against you because #1, she still doesn't trust you, and #2, you don't have much of a life outside of your wife (i.e. she's indirectly controlling you).

    Out of curiosity-- did her father ever cheat on her mother?

  9. #27
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Age
    38
    Posts
    21
    Gender
    Female
    envirodude, it sounds like you are a wonderful husband to your wife. I have to admit that I have my own feelings of insecurity when it comes to my boyfriend of 10 months, although it isn't as violent as with your wife. From very early on we have shared emails and every last detail of our days, but to this day, I still feel twinges of "what does he actually do during the day?" or "what is actually thinking?" He constantly re-assures me, but I think my insecurities lie in his past. He has usually been in positions of influence and prestige, and women have thrown themselves at him. In the past, he has "indulged" himself and had mainly physical relationships with women.

    Since we have been together, he still has women throwing themselves at him, but he avoids them like the plague, not even being polite to them, and he only maintains a very small base of female friends, not because I make him, but he wants to make it clear to absolutely everyone that he is not available. Nevertheless, I fear that he thinks he is giving up that lifestyle for me, and would go back to it in a second, even though he has admitted to me that it was never healthy and wishes he was never that way.

    I think you are doing the right thing by your wife. Knowing somewhat how she feels, I don't think it will help to ignore her. Hers is clearly not a rational response, but emotional, so you need to appeal to her emotions. Maybe you should try including her in activities that you wouldn't normally include her on...?

  10. #28
    Bronze Member My<3'sStillRacing's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    31
    Posts
    182
    Gender
    Female
    She needs help. I am jealous by nature, but never would I allow myself to get to that point. At least I hope not.

    She must not realize how bad it's gotten, because I think if she did she would agree to receiving counselling.

    She needs to see through your eyes. It sounds cruel, but I kind of agree with Kalika's suggestion. Try acting the way she does, even to a lesser degree, and see how she reacts.

    It would be beneficial for you to see a councellor yourself. I think they would be able to provide you with some advice, plus it would feel good to talk about it every once in awhile.
    I think that if she knew you were seeing a councellor, maybe she would start to understand how you may be feeling and agree to seek help. You say her mother sees how she behaves? Maybe get her to try to talk to her about it.

    Whatever you decide to do, you can't keep living like this.
    You'll both be misrable as long as you live. She's bringing upon her own misery though, and so your hope in being happy yourself is to get her to get help.

  11. #29

    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    1

    Ditto

    I am going through a similar circumstance. My wife and I have been together for 5 years. She used to obsess about money when we started. I told her if it wasn't money it would be something else. But she didn't seem to be able to stop stressing. I then got a dream job for a major company in a management trainee program. It required extensive traveling and training for the first year but we would never have to worry about money again. We discussed the pro's and con's together and agreed to it together. I make six figures now but she is not happy. She has completely fixated on the fact that there is a girl in the group that I travel with. She has become so fixated on finding evidence of my infidelity that she now ignores house work, kids, bills etc... I blame myself for ever letting it get this far. I told her I didn't see any value in a dream job that cost me a marriage. I could quit tomorrow but honestly, I know there would just be something else. Whenever I call her on it she agrees that it's all silly. I told her to seek counceling but she always has an excuse. She then starting seeking counceling for me instead. After we talk her behavior gets better for a couple of days then goes right back to how it was. I explained to her that the thing about snooping for evidence is that she would always find something even if there was nothing there. Ironically if I was cheating I would know exactly what to hide. Since I am not, everything is evidence that I am cheating. She recently found a dinner receipt in my pocket from when me and a 350 lb male co-worker went out. A lite beer and salad on my receipt proved that I was cheating with "that * * * * * ". I don't know what to do. I put my pants in the laundry basket and my wife cried for a day because she found a dinner receipt. She wont go to counseling and I don't want to split up and leave our 2 young sons alone with her if she is spiraling downward. She has put on 70 lbs in the last 2 years. She has zero interest in sex, intimacy or affection. All she does is eat ice cream and watch TV and she always has excuses for not being happy or getting things done. She seems to live in a fantasy world that as soon as whatever happens then things will be better and she will be back to normal. recently it was winter blues but once summer came she would lose all her weight and then she could get more done around the house. OK now I am ranting but if she wont go to counseling and I can't leave what should I do.

  12. #30
    Platinum Member oldenoughtoknow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Age
    59
    Posts
    2,907
    Gender
    Male
    Listen to Kalita. She has given you some excellent advice.

    This may have started out as "cute," but it's turned into abuse. You are living a life of hell, walking on eggshells every day. And you arguments are effecting your kids as well.

    Tell her this has to stop, and that she is going to start counseling, or you're going to leave. Her cute quirk has turned into a monster. This is utter nonsense. This has to stop.

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •