married man attracted to married woman

I know this is wrong which is a good start for my situation. Anyways,

there's a lady at work that I've gotten to know and am getting closer to her.

I'm starting to have feelings for her that I shouldn't...We're both married

and have 2 children. Everything tells me to get away but we work together and sit in a room facing off to each other all day. We usually go off in the afternoon before I go home to have talks. We talk about everything from family to work stuff. We eat lunch together most of the time. I plan on letting her know she's a great friend so she knows my intentions are nothing more than that and I just appreciate her company in case she's thinking something else.

But something inside of me is wanting more. The more time I spend with her, the more time I want...HELP !! We both have too much to lose and I l know it's not too late.

Sincerely,

Utterly Stupid Guy

Of course you know you're playing with fire here... and the quickest solution to that is to quit *playing* with it....

in other words, stop lunching with her, except in a group situation. stop seeing her after work. start spending time lunching with other men your work with, or nobody at all, read a book.

shift your desk so you don't look directly at her. do anything you need to do to create distance, and change jobs if necessary.

nobody 'accidentally' falls into an affair. it is making lots of small choices to continue the interaction and set up situation where you are alone together and feed the fire.

so you have to look at this like an addiction or anything else that is bad for you. just stop doing it, today, and reduce the interaction with her to strictly conversations about work. if she starts to get into all the personal or long chats, then excuse yourself and go back to work. after all, that is what work is supposed to be about, working, not socializing with someone and playing with a fire that could destroy your whole life in short order.

There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex when you're in committed relationship, but that's not what you're feeling, is it?

You posted because you find yourself attracted to her emotionally.

You may already have crossed a few lines in your conversation, haven't you?

I'd simply tell the lady this is too difficult for you because she's so attractive. She'll likely find this flattering but admirable. If she's attracted to you, she also feels conflict, and you can end that tension with a few words. Take the inititive to prevent this from going too far.

I sometimes go out with a married woman, and we've established definate boundaries. We enjoy each other's company and talk for hours, and her husband knows we're good friends. My heart lies elsewhere, and she knows it.

There is no one MAKING you do it, there is no little devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear," Go on do it, you know you want to". Truth is you can stop but you don't want to, you're enjoying it.

The only problem you have now is that your feeling guilty. Think about how bad you will feel if you really do have something to feel guilty about.

What you do, you also do it to your innocent wife who loves you very much... So stop. Now.

Food for thought...Not much of a wife if she does that behind her husbands back, is she? Do you really want to be having little "talks" with someone like that?

Just for clarification...I don't meet with this lady after work...

I'm not sure if she has the same feelings nor do I want to risk even

trying to find out. I just want to control myself and get a grip on my

feelings. Someone said it was an addiction and I think they are right.

The first step is to admit there is a problem and I have done that.

Now I just have to go to rehab somehow....

I never thought you did meet her after work but that is where it is leading if you don't stop now. Take a holiday with your wife (family) or at very least take a few days off and get some perspective. Maybe then what I wrote will not feel like an insult but the truth and common sense.

Do you have any idea the pain and suffering you are about the cause if you pursue this? You had better take a good long look at your wife and family and think about what you may be about to lose. And if you can find it in yourself, maybe even think about her family and the untold pain you could inflict on them. If there are problems with your relationship with your wife, go to her and ask to work on the issues, do it now before it is too late. I am speaking from experience here.

I agree with Dako. Nothing's wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, but you sound like you are emotionally and sexually attracted to her. Do you think you can set the boundaries with her as Dako suggested and let her know that you find her attractive, but your heart lies elsewhere and you would like to continue a friendship with her? If you can't do this then you should definitely back away from the friendship.

Also, it's not a good idea to talk about your relationship with your wife. Maybe keep your family life more private. When you start confiding in someone that you are attracted to, the problems of your marriage, etc. you are asking for trouble.

I agree with everyone here and especially advice from Dakos and Ballys.

I talked to her today and asked her about a personal problem I was having that directly framed my wife and family as very important to me and I needed

her advice as a friend. I told her she's the only one I can talk to about the problem as even my best friend does not know since our wives are very close. The problem, is that the topic hit home with

something personal she was also going through and the whole talk

brought us both closer than ever but we both agree that our families

are #1...Atleast we have this understanding now but in a way it kind of

backfired on me since we became closer. Thanks for everyone's advice

as now the course of this is in our hands...

dude...this is your problem.

STOP CONFIDING IN HER....

you are growing closer because you are sharing things you SHOULD only be sharing with your best friend...aka....YOUR WIFE...and you are not doing that.

you are making this happen.

you are allowing yourself to grow closer to her.

you are a grown man and can stop yourself from any course of action you choose to.

you clearly are not choosing to.

coming here to ask for help and then choosing to ignore what people and even yourself realize is somewhat pointless don't you agree?

seriously...you are about to hurt more than just your wife. you are about to hurt your children, your parents, her parents, her family, your family, her friends, your friends, etc.

grow up...stop confiding personal things to her...get into counseling...tell your wife what you have been doing...live with her wrath...and face the day anew.

you are not being honest with your wife.

and if you continue on this path there is gonna be alot more pain than you clearly are prepared to deal with.

My best advice to you, if you love your wife, is to just LEAVE THIS OTHER WOMAN ALONE.

My husband's affair started the SAME way. They worked together...they were "just friends"...then he started "going out" and I couldn't go...very LONG story short, in 1999 I found a very sexually explicit email between the 2 of them...confronted him...he SWORE nothing happened, not even a kiss. I never believe him...never trusted him completely. It was always this "space between" us.

Fast forward to December of 2006...8 years after "it ended" he admitted to "making out with her once"...I was devastated. Why did he not come clean at the time?

And the story changed, from "It was just once time....I pushed her away"...to "it might have been a few times" to "I don't remember...it was a long time ago".

I left 3 times...went back twice. The last and final time I left, he told me "the truth" according to him. I know there is MORE to the story, but all he will admit to is making out...doesn't remember everything they did, but DOES "remember" they never had sex because, well, THAT just "crossed the line" for him. He did it because he "liked the attention", and "loved listenening her her beg him for sex."

If you love your wife, either leave her to be with this other woman, or, COMPLETELY stop having anything to do with her.

You have NO idea the fall out...the COMPLETE devastation.

My life is completely destroyed...everything has been taken from me. My husband wants me back, and is also devastated, but, it is too late. He had SO many opportunities to tell me...I asked him many MANY times, and every single time, he SWORE TO GOD that he never did so much as KISS her.

It took me getting mentally ill to the point of having to be on medication before he would tell me "the truth".

Your wife will want ALL the details...the "other person" has a STRONG need to know. Why? I don't know...maybe to some how sort it out? But...it took him 3 months and me almost being hospitlized for him to tell me.

I have had to get an HIV test. That's pretty embarrassing. Thank God it came out negative.

You took a vow..."until death do you part"...not "until I find another woman attractive."

I hope you are able to do the right thing...the fall out of an affair is devastating, and very far reaching...not just you and your wife, but your wife's family, your children, your family, your friends, etc etc etc.

That's my advice.

~Allie

Well I was never good at Math but I will try and solve this problem anyway

Q: (1) Married Man Attracted to (1) Married woman= WHAT?

A: (2) Divorces MINUS (2) kids that you will most likely only see every other weekend MINUS (1) Paycheck that you will have to give your future Ex-Wife for support MINUS A loss of respect from not only your wife, but your children as well PLUS Maybe a good thumping if Married woman's husband ever finds out EQUALS A lifetime of sorrow.

Hey, I'm not so bad after all. Think with the head on your shoulders, that's my advice!

There's nothing to add, really. Keep ya Johnson for ya Wife. Remember? You made a promise to her. Break your promise and you become a lier and a cheat. I've been both and they're no fun. Trust me!

I will play the part of the womans husband........because I am dealing with that now.

Learn your boundaries and get that mess out of your head. If you take it further or try to your going to hurt many people in the path of this.

The rage this thread brings to me would be unimaginable to you.

Speaking as child from the product of a marriage where the dad cheated on the mom:

Do no do it. It is so selfish for you to risk your marriage and your children's happiness because of your feelings. Obviously if you are feeling this way you need to get counseling w/ your wife to learn WHY you are looking elsewhere.

GUS Almighty, et. al:

Everything on this board makes complete sense to me and is logical, moral, right thing to do. Nothing has ever happened between me and this lady but the fact is that we spend a lot of time together at work and most of the time we go off by ourselves and talk about all sorts of things. I DON'T know how she feels about me and I would rather not since in either case it will be bad for me and/or both of us. I appreciate all the responses. My friends at work who know about this now say I'm not in control of my feelings anymore and that she is....they may be right. The only line I think I've crossed is that

we've talked about some personnal things to each other and sometimes I feel like we're sneaking around at work as we never our work area together at the same time - we usually coordinate by email and eye contact....

Please keep replying...

Walk away!

I will play the part of the womans husband........because I am dealing with that now.

I can see you as a great Michael Douglas right now Gus with the things going on in your life....One day he just snapped.... I'm callin Hollywood, I'll be your Assistant, just let me drive the Hummer, K?

Flipper...

Are you comfortable telling your WIFE that your are talking about peronnal thing to each other? How do you think she would feel if you sat down and told her that? How do you think your WIFE would feel if she knew you were "sneaking around at work"? Woud you feel comfortable telling your WIFE that?

Think about it please. And think if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you like it if you wife was sneaking around with a man she worked with? How would you feel if she told you she was talking about your personnal like with another man, making eye contract with him, and emailing him?

Do your wife a favor that I WISH my husband had done for me. TELL HER you no longer want to be married to her. Because IF you did, you would not engaging in this type of behavior. I have been where she is GOING to be, and believe me...it is not pretty. His affair stared EXACTLY the same way as your "friendship" with this woman you work with. I promise you...if you do NOT stop this behavior and end this friendship, it will go further. Will you be able to look at your wife afterwards?

Maybe you can answer a question for me that my husband cannot. He says he loves me. You say you love your wife.

My question is: IF you love your wife, then why are you engaging in this type of behavior? IF my husband loves(ed) me, then why did he have an affair?

once again...stop talking to her at work.

really can't be more clear...

Stop

Talking

To

Her

Period.

sorry bud...it's the only option you have.

I'm having a hard time avoiding her or stopping to talk to her.

I know that's the only way out of this but like someone said...it's like

an addiction and the more time I spend with her the more time I want.

Like today, we planned on going for our daily talk after all the days work

and ended up having a late lunch. I now find out she's having some

trouble at home with the hubby so this may put me in deeper trouble as

I fall into this hole even more....How do I check into rehab?

I'm having a hard time avoiding her or stopping to talk to her.

I know that's the only way out of this but like someone said...it's like

an addiction and the more time I spend with her the more time I want.

Like today, we planned on going for our daily talk after all the days work

and ended up having a late lunch. I now find out she's having some

trouble at home with the hubby so this may put me in deeper trouble as

I fall into this hole even more....How do I check into rehab?

Flipper...

She has OTHER people she can talk to.

She's having "problems with the hubby"??? IT'S STARTING...THAT'S WHAT THE OTHER WOMAN TOLD MY HUSBAND BEFORE THEIR AFFAIR STARTED.

I GIVE YOU ABOUT ANOTHER MONTH...and then you'll be fully involved.

I don't care if it's like "an addiction"....sorry if I sound angry, but someone who sits on "the other side" of this, the SELFISHNESS of all this is outrageous.

I have copied and pasted a pervious post I wrote to you..please re-read it and THINK ABOUT WHAT I HAVE SAID.

You are headed for no place good...none.

Can't say people didn't warn you.

Here is my previous post to you:

Are you comfortable telling your WIFE that your are talking about peronnal things to each other? How do you think she would feel if you sat down and told her that? How do you think your WIFE would feel if she knew you were "sneaking around at work"? Woud you feel comfortable telling your WIFE that?

Think about it please. And think if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you like it if you wife was sneaking around with a man she worked with? How would you feel if she told you she was talking about your personnal like with another man, making eye contract with him, and emailing him?

Do your wife a favor that I WISH my husband had done for me. TELL HER you no longer want to be married to her. Because IF you did, you would not engaging in this type of behavior. I have been where she is GOING to be, and believe me...it is not pretty. His affair stared EXACTLY the same way as your "friendship" with this woman you work with. I promise you...if you do NOT stop this behavior and end this friendship, it will go further. Will you be able to look at your wife afterwards?

Maybe you can answer a question for me that my husband cannot. He says he loves me. You say you love your wife.

My question is: IF you love your wife, then why are you engaging in this type of behavior? IF my husband loves(ed) me, then why did he have an affair?

After reading all the advice that has been given, and you are still offering excuses as to why you can't or don't want to avoid this woman, go ahead and screw her. After the deed, post another thread asking how to save your marriage after you wife finds out, or after her husband kick's your * * *.

After reading all the advice that has been given, and you are still offering excuses as to why you can't or don't want to avoid this woman, go ahead and screw her. After the deed, post another thread asking how to save your marriage after you wife finds out, or after her husband kick's your * * *.

Dada...

Amen...that pretty much says it all!!!

Flipper, you need help. It is an addiction and you right about it. You can't do it alone. Confess to your wife, seek marriage counseling, talk to married friends, and stop talking to the other man's wife. Quit your job because if there is contact, it's like getting high on drug every time you see her. The other man's wife needs to focus on her marriage.

Affairs end. Infatuation with the other man's wife will end. And yes, you do need a rehab because you are vulnerable and open to having an affair. Find ways to make your marriage better - this is the only one "affair-proof" way.