I found out the only way that I could

I installed a tapping recorder on the home telephone.

A few weeks back I started watching her daily cell phone log again and found out that she had been calling her work at odd times for the past 5 days, between 5:30 and 7:00 in the evening and she got off work daily at 3:30 which made no sense, the calls were approx. 15 minutes long.

I called the number last friday and sure enough a man answered. I hung up and collected my thoughts, I called back a few minutes later. It was him, I asked him alot of questions which some cleared up things alot. It actually was him that called on that cell phone number that she tried to delete off the caller id, it was a trac phone one of those prepaid setups.

I asked him if he had slept with my wife, if he had kissed her, spent any time outside of work with her and he completely denied everything......although he did tell me he cared very much for my wife.

I explained to him that I was working very hard to make things better for her so we could save our marriage, I told him that I didnt appreciate the letters and cards I found and him sneaking around to talk to her. I then told him that if it continued that things would get worse for him, I asked him if he was going to tell my wife that we had this talk.....he paused for a moment and then said no.

Not more than 10 minutes later she called me and asked me why I called her sister. I lied and told her I was trying to get ahold of her husband to play games online. She got home a few minutes later and told me she knew, said he had called her and told her immediately.

He knew her cell phone number all along.

We had a huge argument that night, she told me that she didnt think she loved me anymore. She also told me that she was in love with him. After saying she wanted a divorce which she said that was what would happen if I ever contacted him.........she said we needed to separate so she could figure out what she wanted to do.

The next day she called me at 8 am on my cell phone and left a message asking where I was because she had to know because of our sons needs. She sent a text message minutes later asking where I was at.

I called her a bit later, we had a good argument....she was angry because I was violating her privacy and I was angry because she was still talking to the guy and calling him behind my back in secret.

A bit later she sent another text that said I could come home if I wanted but she wasnt sure what she wanted to do yet.

I went back a bit later and played with my son a bit. We talked a bit, some of it was excited and then things calmed down a bit later even after she said she still wanted to think. I told her that was fine, I knew what i wanted but I couldnt help how she felt about things.

Later on that day we cleaned the kitchen together, cooked a nice dinner before which she also suggested that she wanted to have sex. We didnt end up doing it that night but we did it the next. No more mention from her about things which I was very confused about.

Well, the first thing for you to do is "breathe", and take a moment to realize that as tough as all this is to accept, that at least you can start making some choices based on "truth", I'd search for a good therapist first thing in the morning, you need someone to with whom you can talk this all through.

And as far as the "guy at work" goes, well no need for you to call him again, this is now something that is between you and your wife to resolve.. most importantly try to "breathe, think clearly and take some time to talk to a friend, family member or a therapist, so you can emotionally disperse some of your energy regarding this "new information"...

Where are you right now? Are you with your wife at home? do you have someone whom you can confide in, who might be able to help you through this?

So on we come to Monday night, 2 days later.

We had both had a rough day at work and were tired, I went to bed before she did and she came in a bit later which woke me up. I got up like I normally do for a bit to let her relax before I lay back down.

I was curious as to if I had caught anything on the recorder so I checked it.

Sure enough she called him at work again. There were sexual comments made, he said he missed her...then she made a comment about him being a muscle man.....then it turned into a sexual muscle reference.

They finally got into the conversation about that night I had called him, he was saying he was a good liar.......she and he went on to patronize me jokingly about how I had asked this and that question. He then went on to say no I havent been in your house, I havent {Mod Edit} your wife on your bed. I didnt mess up your sheets, do her in a listing of various positions.

They talked about missing eachother, she said she wanted to see him and have sex.....he made a comment about it not being just the sex and she said something like what i have to force you to have sex and he said no, he was ready to rip her clothes off right now.

I had all the proof I needed.

Well, there is no reason to continue putting yourself through all this, you've got good wise reason to take your tapes, and go see a therapist or a lawyer, you have to make sure to keep your son as the top priority here, and to have an emotional plan to work through this for YOU and for YOUR SON in the most healthy way possible. Your wife is invovled in an affair, yes it's sad, and no it won't last.. it's "yuk" factor will eventually catch up with her, and it will lose it's "newness" once it becomes "real" and causes her to lose her marriage.

So dont' make an idle threats, just go speak to someone whom you can trust and really make sure to keep your son the number one priority in how you choose to handle all this.

What are you plans?

I went right into the bedroom and flicked on the light. I played the recorder for her to hear until she woke up.

She must not realize the things that were said, she was still denying that they had had sex in our bed. She would only tell me that they had done it 4 times but wouldnt say where exactly it was but swore that she had never brought him here. I had also found directions to her parents house which I believe they were there at some point too.

We had alot of talking I was blaming myself for a lot of things and she kinda was too. She explained how she had felt lonely for a long time because I was out running around alot. I explained to her how I was trying to hard to make things good for us again and to be a better husband.

She says today she is going to have a talk with him, I suppose to cut things off. She has said she had tried to multiple times and that it didnt work because of her feelings for him.

I told her I may be able to forgive this but he had to be out of her life because I cannot share her. She says she wont leave her job because she likes it so much. She also keeps saying shes not sure what she wants to do still because she feels I can never trust her again and it will keep coming up, keeping me curious every time she goes somewhere as to if she is lying to me.

Someone please give me your thoughts.

Well, there is no reason to continue putting yourself through all this, you've got good wise reason to take your tapes, and go see a therapist or a lawyer, you have to make sure to keep your son as the top priority here, and to have an emotional plan to work through this for YOU and for YOUR SON in the most healthy way possible. Your wife is invovled in an affair, yes it's sad, and no it won't last.. it's "yuk" factor will eventually catch up with her, and it will lose it's "newness" once it becomes "real" and causes her to lose her marriage.

 

So dont' make an idle threats, just go speak to someone whom you can trust and really make sure to keep your son the number one priority in how you choose to handle all this.

 

What are you plans?

I dont know yet, I just dont know what to feel, say or do. I want to believe we can work through this but I dont know.

She also said that it is difficult to break off all contact with him because of work and that its also tough to break off completely because they have more than a physical relationship.

Shes all confused.

you both need professional guidance, you wouldn't dare ruin even your car by driving it on a weak engine, you would invest money to get it fixed so you can rely on it to work for you, so take the time to put the energy into something far more precious like your marriage, and seek some therapy... you both need an objective person to help guide you through your situation..and how to heal and forgive each other...

Right now your wife may a bit "blinded" by the newness and attention from this guy, it's not really about him at all, this is about her and her choice to seek attention outside the marriage, so try not to focus too much on asking her "details" about this guy, instead focus on the two of you an find some professional help. You are worth it., your marriage is worth it, and most importantly your precious innocent son is worthy of parents who will do some "emotional work" to make an effort to fix the marriage or to part in a healthy loving way..

We are very tight on money right now, counselling will be very tough to do on our budget. What can I do?

Okay, go to the book store get one of those "Dr Phil" books on marriage, or affairs... or look up "affairs" or "cheating in marriage" on google, read, read, read, and also search on the internet in your area for a therapist, there has to be some way for you to find some inexpensive therapy, you will never regret making the investment in trying to save your marriage, this is a big emotional issue for you to have to figure out on your own.. Some churches offer free marriage therapy..

Right now is there anyone you trust who can talk all this through with? I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time, but please know that it's very possible to work through all this as a couple.. it's been done by many couples... and right now you have to concentrate on you and your son.. your wife has her own issues to deal with, and as long as she's still working at the same place it's going to be a bit tough for her to "distance herself emotionally" from this other guy, but it can be done, in time, especially if you can lovingly in a self respecting way let her know that you will not be waiting for ever for her to "let go" of him and put her energy and heart into helping the two of you repair your marriage..

First of all ... I am so sorry that you heard the things you did. I know from personal experience what thats like. Its as if your need to know outweighs your ability to protect yourself. Man ... stop listening to the tapes, and gathering information, youre only hurting yourself with it. Right now I can imagine you are tormented by the words from someone you obviously care about being involved with another man. My thoughts are that you know enough at this point to act upon it. Theres no shame in seeking help from a therapist, psychiatrist, marriage councellor .. whoever. The most important thing is that you embark on a mission to take care of yourself. Share your situation with a few close friends and family members, people whom you trust. Build a support system around yourself. But don't go around telling everyone. Some people like to feed on the misery of others and you will find yourself re-telling the story again and again ... that doesnt do you any good. Offer her the chance to work this all out if she is willing, but stand your ground in terms of insisting that she discontinue the relationship with this other man until the two of you are sure what direction you are going. If she can't or wont do that then it is quite clear what you have to do. Look out for yourself from this point on.

We are very tight on money right now, counselling will be very tough to do on our budget. What can I do?

Check the social services listing in your phone book. There are places that provide counseling based on a sliding fee scale and will charge based on your income/ability to pay.

If you belong to a church, you might check with your priest/pastor/reverend/minister. They usually have some background in counseling and may be able to assist you for little or no cost.

I will log in tonight when i'll have more itme.

You can do nothing except let her decide if she wants to work on the marriage.

Hey GA-

I am sorry that you are going through this turmoil.

It's very hard to feel betrayed, but this is more of a situation of what she is willing to do if you indeed want her back.

If she does indeed go through counseling and changes her ways, then great.

If she refuses counseling and still sees him, it may be best to throw in the towel.

I know the hurt must be incredible, but we are here to help you along the way.

Hugs, Rose

Damn bro. I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. But like shes2smart said, there are therapist's that work on a "sliding fee scale". Cheapest I've seen is $30-$40 bucks for an hour session.

I don't know what your wife does for a living, but if it IS possible for her to relocate or work for another company, I think you need to put your foot down there and ask she do so. She's telling you now she'll break things off because she's caught with her hand in the cookie jar. How long would this of continued had you not found out?

She can say she was "lonely" and you were "out running around" all she wants, fact is, YOU WERE NOT OUT SLEEPING AROUND. Don't blame yourself, and don't let HER blame you either. Does she know you've been here looking for support, while she's out banging some co-worker?

Didn't you also say this guy is married? Well, if I was you, after hearing him mocking me behind my back to MY wife, I'd call his wife up and let her know all about her husbands affair. Acting like some damn children.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck bro. And DO NOT let her put the blame on you.

If she loves you and really wants it to work she will do anything. She will leave that job and she will cut off from him. If she continues to work there, says she cant 'not' speak to him then she is being untrue and not trying hard enough.

you need to sit down and discuss whether you are both in the same place in terms of saving the marriage. Dont lose your self respect in this. If she isnt where you are, then its over. Im sorry but you will only cause yourself more pain if you dont clear up what you want from this, be honest.

dont pretend that you can deal with her wrking with him, speaking to him, if you can't.

My friend had an affair on her husband a few years ago, she worked athe company with me, we were best friends, always together, when her husband found out he wanted her to quit her job here, she did so without hesitation, she was devestated and wanted to save her marriage. Her husband didnt like her hanging with me because he said i was a bad influence, i was ten years younger than her and single. SHe did. She cut me out. She explained it was important to her to save her marriage, she has other friends, but she stopped hanging out with me. Every now and again we would meet for lunch and catch up but it sooned fizzled out, havent seen her for two years, but i hear she is happy.

If your wife loves you, she will do anything to make it better.

I seriously wouldnt have a problem doing that but it will make it harder because she is still emotionally attached to him. It could send it all over the breaking point to the outcome that we both get divorced and they end up together anyway.

I know I could seriously ruin him if I wanted to, I am fairly confident I could cost him his marriage and his job.....since he has done this with a co worker in some form before even though she tells me even now that he never had sex with that other girl which I find doubtful.

And no she doesnt know I have been posting here.

See the part that is making everything hard is that she wants to leave me one point and then when I am gone she misses me and wants me back. Its like she wants me and wants him both.

I dont make any sense out of most of this.

See the part that is making everything hard is that she wants to leave me one point and then when I am gone she misses me and wants me back. Its like she wants me and wants him both.

 

I dont make any sense out of most of this.

She wants that which she cannot have and that is you when you leave.

When you are away, she misses your company, and maybe not you as a person.

She wants the best of both worlds, you and "the other man", which is really very unfair.

I think you need to make an ultimatum and tell her, like others said, if you want to keep our marriage, you never speak to him again. If you do talk to him, it's over between us.

I am really proud of you for being so strong. I think most of us would have given up by now, but you keep fighting.

Hugs, Rose

No matter what you've done/ not done in the relationship you haven't made her cheat bro, that's all on her. You sound like you're being a doormat here and just accepting all of this because you desperately don't want to lose her. If this were me - if I still thought there was something of the relationship to be salvaged I would DEMAND that she ceases any contact with this guy unless it's work related, then as everyone else has been saying try and get counselling and if she's unwilling to do either one of these things, walk away.

I agree with the others 100%. She can say she'll cut contact with him all she wants, but everyday she's at work, it's going to be in the back of your mind. If she's 20 minutes late, you're going to wonder where she is.

You're setting yourself up for this to drag out bro. I can understand why you want to make this work, you guys have a child together, and you obviously love this woman a lot. Would she agree to get some marriage counseling?

You are putting it all in her hands to make the "decision" as she decides what "SHE WANTS".

She has already made it clear what SHE WANTS. She wants to risk her marriage, family, for a guy on the side. She does not want to put the hard work in to save and work on the marriage. Which would include leaving this job. Changing the phone numbers. Being willing to be scrutinized about her whereabouts until she regains your trust.

Don't let her put the blame on you. Neglected or not, does not justify cheating. If she felt neglected, she should of talked to you about it. My boyfriend and I both grew apart the last few months due to me going back to school, working, and other life stress for us both. Neither of us cheated. We are working on reconnecting now, and it is not easy, but we love and respect one another and even our sex life suffered too due to it we NEVER strayed.

You need to get into counselling. There is lots of low cost options out there including the church, or local clinics. You MUST see more than dragging her feet out of her. She cannot commit to working this through until she cuts the other man out of her life and starts being honest with you.

If she is not going to do anything, you NEED to show her that it is at that is point in YOUR hands whether you can accept this and move forward or not. Stop letting her be the one to "decide" whom she wants, while you hang around waiting for her decision. That is ridiculous.

I agree with the others 100%. She can say she'll cut contact with him all she wants, but everyday she's at work, it's going to be in the back of your mind. If she's 20 minutes late, you're going to wonder where she is.

 

You're setting yourself up for this to drag out bro. I can understand why you want to make this work, you guys have a child together, and you obviously love this woman a lot. Would she agree to get some marriage counseling?

Oh I know this, I think I need to wait to see how today pans out to see whats came of her talking with him. I may have to press her really hard for honest though.

If you could ever forgive her, and to some extent, you will need to forgive her and also know you can trust her, in order for this to work, then you can think about being with her.

But he must go, and she should be gone, out of your house, not vice versa, until she figures it out. Pack her stuff and tellher to go, get out and never sleep in your bed again until she wants to be a real woman and wife.