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She loves me, isn't in love with me...


Lsdaddy

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I'm not sure how to go about this or what to do. I"m just looking for advice. My wife of 3.5 years filed for divorce on Tuesday (we have a 2 year old daughter). She told me that she loves me but isn't in love with me and that she's sure that she cannot get those feelings back.

 

A little background, my wife is an attorney, I'm a financial advisor. We have a very good combined income but she makes about twice what I do. Money has always been an issue but is more so over the past year since we bought a more expensive home. Our agreement financially has always been split all bills and expenses 50/50 and then we each have our own money to spend on stuff. That way there is no nitpicking on little things here or there. After we bought the new home, I had trouble keeping up through some bad months at work (commission only). She was having to cover me quite a bit and wasn't happy about it. It all came to a head last summer when she saw that I had accumulated about $10,000 in our home equity line of credit for just living expenses/to cover bills/etc. She found out about this after getting a statement one month and blew up feeling like I betrayed her. That's when she claims that this all started. From then on, her feelings for me changed. She still loves me but isn't in love with me. She has also said that over our 8 total years together, I've "worn her down". We've always gotten in little arguments here and there and some could get pretty heated. To the point of insults sometimes, from both sides. She claims that she still remembers some of them but really this summer and the money deal is when this all started. It devastated her to the point that she feels that I broke her trust and can't regain it.

 

What does that even mean, that she loves me but isn't in love with me? I still love her dearly and don't want to lose her. Since December when we initially discussed a seperation or divorce because of this, I promised her I would change. I have. I have paid off about $5000 of the debt and have straightened out my financial issues by building up a nice savings to cover these bad months. She even admits that our relationship has been as good as ever. She just doesn't feel any different about me and thinks that there is better things out there.

 

I have talked her into marriage counseling since in our state (NE) we have 60 days after the initial filing of a divorce until anything else legally can be done. We have our first counseling session on Tuesday. From other posts on this board, I'm hoping that counseling helps her realize that she is still in love with me but just needs to break down an internal barrier that she's put up to "protect" herself. She is not cheating on me, nor have either of us ever. She just thinks there is something better out there that could make her happy. I think that is just her "barrier" as I'm calling it to keep from possibly getting hurt again.

 

We still sleep in the same bed, still talk, still hug and kiss, etc. We have not slept together (sexually) yet this week but I don't know that either of us would even have a problem with that. It is just a very weird situtaion...Almost like we are dating again but live in the same home and have a child. I just don't know what to think or do. I hope the counselor can shed some light on the situation.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions???

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Wow, incredibly sorry to hear.

It does seem though that perhaps she has been falling out of love for some time, and maybe didn't even realise until this breaking point of financial stress - perhaps?!

Does she seem emotional at all about the divorce etc. or is she quite cold?

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Personally I would find it hard to be with a woman who forgot the part of the marriage vows about 'for richer, for poorer'.

My wife and I have always pooled our money - it is not 'mine' and 'hers' but 'ours'. Sometimes I have earned more, sometimes she has. I suppose if we added it up I may have contributed more financially over the years but we never have done that - nor would we. for we are partners in a marriage not a business

 

As an attorney she should realise that she would be financially worse off in the event of a divorce unless there is an iron-clad pre-nup - and if you are having financial difficulties that may not be enforceable anyway.

 

I am not sure if this post is helpful or what you need. But I post it because I would seriously doubt the the love of a woman who would behave as she has for the reasons that she gives.

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She is emotional and cried half of the night when she handed me the papers. I am torn. She is my first and only love. I'm 31 and she is my first "serious" relationship beyond messing around in college. I just don't know what to do. As I said, I'm hoping that a counselor can figure things out, for either of us (if I'm being stupid and there is no chance).

 

I also mainly want things to work out for our daughter's sake as well as the fact that I still love her.

 

There was no prenup as we were married when neither of us had anything. She just graduated from law school and I just began my job. Everything we have built together...

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thank you for the replies...I'm also hoping counseling will shed some light on things. It just feels like she is giving up on us too easy. If nothing else, for our daughter's sake, we need to MAKE SURE that this is what we want. Right now, she obviously does but I'm just not sure.

 

Thanks again...

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Well, see how the counselling goes. But I do think it is a mistake to sleep in the same bed and to have sex. You can be cordial and friendly but I think you should also not be intimate. Perhaps that might start her on the realisation of what it would really mean to lose you.

 

As to the future: if she continues with the divorce proceedings it is really important that you get a lawyer and protect your interests as the father of your child, the co-owner of your house and financially. Under no circumstances should you agree to anything less than a fair settlement, especially in regard to your daughter, in the hopes that she will see you as a 'nice guy' and want you back as a result. You should make it very clear that you will be seeking joint physical and legal custody of your daughter.

 

That is not to say that you should be nasty in the proceedings nor use anything as a leverage for any ulterior motive. It is merely to say that you must protect your future as a father.

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definitely DN...we've actually discussed all of this (the other night after she gave me the papers) and she agrees. We will have complete joint custoday if we can't work it out. Every other weekend and Tuesday and Thursday evenings with me (she'll sleep at my wife's home still though).

 

Honestly, this is what is so weird. We are still so "on the same page" that I just don't get how it isn't working. We get along better than we ever have before but again, "she just isn't in love with me". I can tell she still has feelings for me and loves me though.

 

From a financial situation, we have already discussed things a little. She will keep the house (as I couldn't afford it anyways) but she will buy me out of it. I will then have enough for a down payment and to start my own "life" so to speak. We are keeping our own retirement accounts as they are very close in value and are keeping our separate debt (her student loans and vehicle versus my credit card/home equity line and vehicle).

 

We both want this as fair as possible as we have commited to remain good friends no matter what happens. We have to for our daughter. We do still love each other which leads me to believe this is salvagable. It won't be ugly and won't get nasty. I have spoken with an attorney and they have also advised me to find separate representation which I will do if it comes to divorce (I have a friend that is an attorney and can represent me).

 

I just hope it won't come to that. Again, I appreciate all of the help and am glad I found this board. It helps me get some of my heartache out to people who understand!!!

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I don't want to push this unnecessarily but:

 

Every other weekend and Tuesday and Thursday evenings with me (she'll sleep at my wife's home still though).
this is very far from joint custody. At best that is six days out of fourteen even if she were to sleep at your house. In reality, for a two year old, it is but a few hours and you are setting a bad precedent by not having her sleep at your house. That is tantamount to admitting that you are not as capable at looking after your daughter as is your wife.

 

This is exactly what I mean by looking out for your best interests as a father. I understand you are trying to save your marriage but you really must plan for the strong possibility that you will not be able to achieve that. It is entirely possible to do both at the same time.

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I'm sorry, I think you misunderstood me. The schedule would be Mondays and Wednesdays with my wife, Tuesdays and Thursdays with me (but I would bring her back "home" to sleep) and alternate weekends where she actually stays at my house or the wife's house.

 

The only reason for the sleeping at my wife's during the week would be to create more of a regular schedule for her so she wouldn't feel so shuffled back and forth. We are utmostly concerned for our daughter and through all of this want to make it work for her benefit. If we can't work the marriage out, the least we can do is work together on raising our daughter and being friends. For all practical purposes, it would be joint custody. We've both read many places that shuffling the kids back and forth can create some issues for them and it is better for them to at least sleep the majority of the week in the same place so there is a sense of consistency.

 

We also still love the other enough, and both love our daughter SOOOOO much, that we can adjust the schedule as necessary. If one has something going on, the other can take her and vice versa. That is the nice thing about us still getting along...

 

Of course, everything could change too. We'll just have to see what the counselor, attorneys, etc. say.

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I thin you are being wonderful and mature with your daughter - sadly, it's all too often we see children being used as the pawn in a separation and the child's interests seem to get lost in the backdrop, however, you are willing to compromise your time with her for the sake of her routine and stability - that is so truly wonderful, please don't lose sight of that as things progress - no matter how nasty things may become in the future.

 

I hope this can stay as civil as it seems to be now - for everyone's sakes!

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We are going to do what is in our daughter's best interest...PERIOD. We've already discussed many issues pertaining to custody, money, house, etc. and are bound and determined to come up with a fair arrangement for both of us. I'm also hoping the counselor will be able to shed some light on things on Tuesday to find out what is really wrong. We'll see. Ultimately, I don't want to be in a relationship (physical or emotional) with someone who doesn't have feelings for me. If she still does and we can reconnect somehow (I pray), then great. But if she doesn't love me any longer, than I deserve someone who does and she deserves to love someone...

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where she is being a bit unrealistic is always expecting things to be 50/50, i.e., being upset about you not paying 50% of house when your income isn't a large as hers... the point is that a couple should be partners, which means sometimes one or the other gives or takes more, not always exactly 50/50...

 

so she sounds like she has a bit of a double standard (i.e., she wants to be an attorney, but for you to make as much or more than her when that is not possible based on your situation)...

 

also please keep in mind that some people use the 'i fell out of love' excuse as a quick exit from a marriage, when the truth is that they have fallen out of love because they have met someone new, and are hiding that so they look better in divorce and custody issues. she is a lawyer, so i suspect she knows how to manipulate this to her advantage.

 

so please make doubly sure you have an attorney, and get true joint custody, otherwise you will have to be paying child support when she has a larger income. she may also be being very 'reasonable' right now because she is aware that with her bigger income, you may well be entitled to alimony (should you ask for it), especially if you helped put her though law school.

 

best of luck, i hope you can work it out, but please do so with your eyes fully open...

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Thanks, definitely got an attorney. He advised me also that the income issues may be an issue (alimony vs. child support). As of right now, we are talking a straight split with nobody owing anything to the other. Our retirements and debts are very close. Only difference is her income. With that being said, I would still technically owe child support due to our daughter being with her 200 days and me 165 days per year. However, with her income being double mine, I would be able to collect alimony (which I won't ask for and don't want) so it would be a wash.

 

We are still being very honest with each other and I can trust her that there is nobody else. She is an attorney but she is an honest one...The fact that she does still have feelings for me and does still care for me doesn't change. She just doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone she's not in love with...Whatever! I guess I'm the ignorant man but that doesn't make much sense to me. That's why we're going to the counselor to help us both understand this better...

 

Thanks again for the advice!

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Lsdaddy,just some advice keep your eyes open.My ex worked for an attorney,and made everything go as smooth as silk.You know that spark just wasnt there anymore,loved me not in love with me,and then threw in a little emotionally abusive for good measure.Our divorce was over and done with in 36 days from the day she said divorce and thats with a child.The funny part was I had asked her if she was cheating and told her the things that made me suspect she was and the answer was no just the above reasons.Well needless to say as soon as the ink was dry new cop boyfriend jumped in the picture and still going strong,all that after 9.5 yrs of marriage.So dont think she is not capable of it and not trying to stir the pot but as much as we love the person and think they wouldnt do that sometimes they take advantage of our trust and love.

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LSDaddy,

She has already decided this, she is going to the counselor because that seems like the next right step to take, just procedural, and to keep you under manageable control. If you don't have the kid equal time you never will be able to get joint physical custody. The alimony would be temporary probably depending on your state but if you've been married less than ten years is usually half the time. Keep in mind that child support is ALWAYS modifiable, she can go back in a year and request you pay, or in five, whenever. My kids are on a real joint physical custody, and they are coping well, it is a hassle but on the good side they share a great relationship with their dad.

Listen, my ex-husband was a lawyer and I know how they operate, she's already filed, she's not going back, and she cares about you but she cares about her financial situation much more, and she has a strategy, you need to develop your own, just imagine when she gets a new partner and suppose they decide to move out of state, if she has majority time as a precedent that's when she goes for full primary custody, the judge grants it she moves the kid away, and she will be able to rationalize herself that is the best interest of her kid as she is providing a stable family structure, I wonder ifyou'll think then your on the same page.

she is thinking years ahead of you, you are only dealing with the news. when people voice their intention to separate they already have processed it, your wife has done more than that, she's filed, please do realize this, she has already divorced you, she cries because is the final stages of mourning for the relationship, she's not confused, you are she's not angry anymore, she could even be sexual with you, she is thinking rationally and she is negotiating from and advantage point as you are letting your feelings affect your decisions. Very manipulative, place yourself in a strong position, think of what would happen down the road, how your decisions today could affect your life tomorrow and that of a new partner.

Don't feel guilty and let your lawyer do his/her job, your wife is a laywer with a lawyer, she has the upper hand and she's doing business. i'm sorry don't want to be cynical, but its like they have a switch or something.

My soon to be ex and i are best friends, and he talks about reconciliation, (meaningless because it would involve remarriage) it might be strategy to keep me under control, I can't trust him but we do get along beautifully now that his finances are not jeopardized,and I know he cares for me ,he just cares for himself and his stuff more. And the kids are ok with the joint physical custody, is a hassle but they are ok, I'm really trying to warn you. Like DN said, you can protect your interests and perhaps salvage the marriage, one doesn't preclude the other, don't agree just to avoid conflict, negotiate because once you sign the agreement, it binds you for good.

Good luck,

B

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bacci, you were pretty much right on from what I can tell. Over this weekend, it came to a head. We were still living together in our home and had planned on it until May when the duplex I'm going to rent became available. It's a three story home and I was sleeping in the basement with her sleeping upstairs.

 

Anyways, she had received some late night text messages (11:00 to 12:30) on Friday night after going out with a couple of girlfriends. She told me they were from her friends telling her they made it home OK. Fine, no problem. However, the next night, I went to watch the basketball games with some friends and didn't get home until 2:30 in the morning and she seemed to act a little weird when I got home. It was very late so I guess I kind of blew that off that it was just that she was tired. The next morning, she woke up and got in the bathtub and was primping herself a little more than usual. She claimed that she was going to go to church (which doesn't happen very often) and then go to the office to get some work done. While she was in the tub, her phone beeped with a text message so I (I'm not proud of it) checked it. It turns out that her and one of our mutual guy friends had text messaged each other the night before (when I was out with buddies) about getting together the next afternoon to "hang out and see where it goes". There were even several comments about how nervous they both were and how my wife hadn't been with another man besides me for 8 years. She literally said "I may have to take a couple of shots first to calm my nerves before doing anything" and he replied with "don't be nervous, I've got a big surprise for you tomorrow afternoon". I WAS CRUSHED...we are still married, she filed not even a month ago, and she's talking to one of our friends about going on a date and possibly even having sex with him!!!!

 

At that point, I confronted her. She obviously got mad that I went through her phone but confessed pretty quickly that she's interested in him. They haven't/hadn't done anything as of yet but were thinking about going on a date or getting together. She initiated everything first and he just went along with it. I don't know how both of these people are so heartless. Her, as she said she still cares about me and didn't want to hurt me (but claims she's ready to move on and have fun again) and him being my so called "friend" so eager to pick up the pieces and jump on my wife. What kind of a guy does that to a friend??? Granted, we aren't best buddies but we go out to the bars once in a while, go to a football game, etc. What is going on with this guy, is that the only way he can get women to pick up low hanging fruit after they get divorced???

 

At that point, we yelled quite a bit and I took our daughter and went to my parents. I couldn't look her in the eye any longer as I was so disappointed, angry and heartbroken. Last night we talked on the phone for about an hour. I had calmed down and wanted to revisit everything when I was thinking more logically. She admitted that they went on a date last night to dinner and a movie. She said it was OK but just a first date and nothing happened. She claims she's not ready to jump into anything right now but just wants to have fun as she's moved on. I totally have not and am truly still in love with her. With me living 45 minutes away at my parents (for a month until the duplex I'm going to rent in the same town is available), we now have to speak with our attorneys and have them write up a temporary joint custody agreement and child support clause.

 

I just can't believe all of this is happening still. She's obviously changed as this isn't the woman I married and fell in love with. She says I changed also so I don't know what to think. Why is she so eager to go out on dates so quickly??? She claimed that she is now where I will be in 6 months and she is over us. We've both agreed and will do so in our child custody agreement, that our daughter will not see anyone but us two (together or separate) for at least 6 months or a year as to not confuse her. She cannot see mommy or daddy having a relationship with somebody else as she would not know what to think.

 

I'm just devastated by all of this. Before this weekend, I still held out hope that we could work things out. She was honestly my first love and I don't know what to do. I've lost her and now she's interested in other men, not me. We still have to have contact due to our daughter and the custody agreement but I'm going to try and distance myself as much as I physically can. Last night was her first night alone, in OUR big house, without our daughter, the dogs or me. I wonder how it affected her. I still wish that she would "wake up" and come back to me. However I am very hurt and refuse to be a doormat for her when it's convenient for her to do. I think our trust has been broken to the point that it can't be fixed. I just long to hold her, kiss her, etc. one more time and I know that most likely will not happen.

 

What do I do??? I have a counselor session this afternoon to help me work things out. This is truly horrible...

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Ls all I can say and I truly mean this because I went through the same thing.Keep your cool think about the best interest of your daughter but not to the point that it consumes your whole life.It sounds like you have family let them help you,and you'll hear the same old song and dance,she doesnt deserve you,you can do better,and thats all nice but it doesnt really help.If she has done that already and she was going to do that behind your back then you have to try to let it go,and I know that is a tough road to travel but its true.Once a women makes up her mind like that about all you can do is let it run its course you can convey your feelings about everything to her but do it and be done,the more you argue and get upset the more they feel justifiable in what they are doing.I wish you luck and I hope things get easier for you quicker then what they did for me.

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I just want to thank you all for your support through this. I'm having a very hard time and the fact that she is now "over me" and is dating already makes it even worse. She still claims that she loved me at one point but I truly doubt it. I wanted to believe that she was a good person but ultimately I learned as many of you have that people are capable of anything. This site is great and the support that we receive knowing that we are all or have been in the same boat is excellent. I am just moving on (or trying to) for my daughter's sake and want to make the best of this for us all.

 

Thank you again,

Ryan

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I too am sorry to hear about your trouble. I can relate a little. I have just found out 4 weeks ago that my wife was having an affair with my friend. I was crushed and I always thought that I would end this if anything happened like this. But I found myself wanting to fix it. But now my wife says that she don't have the same feelings for me now. Hard to believe considering that she didn't mention that before I found out. We don't have kids but we were trying.

 

We are going to councilling but I don't think that she is into it. She even asked me to go on a trip with her, actually it is to where we got married. I told her that I can't go on a trip with someone who may not love me. I don't think that she understands completely. I need her to know that I am wanting to fix this but I also need to show her that I am only going so far. We are reading books to help as well. She still dosen't know but I think that she wants to end this but is scared to.

 

I am at a point where it dosen't matter. I need to take care of myself through this. So my advice to you is to use the motto "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst." Focus on your daughter and try to get somethings in place in case things don't work out but at the same time, be nice to her and maybe she may discover that the feeling she has for you have never left...just misplaced. Another thing I live by that may help is "Don't worry about things you can't control." Your wife has to make this decision herself and you can't control it. So instead, focus on what matters to you and try to prepare youself for whatever happens. This way, you will have some things set in motion and it will give you a push to move on. Hope things work out for you.

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Your wife has been having an emotional affair that is going to become physical any time soon. She is a wayward spouse and is in a fog (she doesn't think clearly now). She is in a La-La land now. She thinks that she can have you as a friend and also have her affair lover to meet her needs. She obviously was buying time trying to be nice to you so she can have an amicable divorce.

 

You can fight for your marriage and recover it. It's not too late.

 

Go to infidelity forum on link removed

 

Don't move out of your marital property. You love your wife and you love your daughter. It's enough to man up and fight. Your wife CAN fall in love with you again.

 

Expose an affair to everybody who can support your marriage. Explain to people that your wife is having an affair but you want to recover your marriage and ask them to support your efforts. She will be mad but it will end the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy but die in a spotlight.

 

Seriously, there is a great chance to save your marriage. Be proactive, not reactive.

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Wow, I am literally so confused that I don't have a clue what to do...I'm getting so many mixed signals and she is obviously so torn, I just don't understand why this is all happening. Yesterday, being Easter Sunday, was very tough. She dropped off our daughter early in the morning and we spoke for a little while. When she left, I gave her a hug, she wouldn't let go. We hugged for a couple of minutes and she started crying and told me she loved me. Of course, being the vulnerable person that I am right now, I had no clue how to take that but called her several times yesterday just to talk.

 

She is still contemplating going on a date (a second date actually) with this other guy but has very mixed emotions about it. She said there are definitely still feelings left for me but she needs to do what is best for her. I don't think she wants to move on but is too hard-headed to just stop and let us try again. Last night, she finally just told me that she needs her space from me. I know I need to give it to her but also am scared to death that she may find something better out there and then I'll lose her forever. Nothing I ever did was bad enough to warrant any of this (in my mind) but it obviously hurt her very bad. I'm afraid it's too late and she's just emotionally removed herself from us.

 

I think that i just need to sit back and give her that space. In the meantime, I'm going to work on myself, improving and doing what I want to. There are many things that I want to and need to do for me and now is as good of a time as any. The weather is getting warmer and I'll be golfing a lot and working out a lot. That will help pass the time and hopefully keep me busy. Our lawyers are currently trying to work out custody, support, etc. issues and we've agreed to not discuss it as it just makes us mad at each other.

 

Any suggestions??? I'm sooooooo heartbroken right now that I may lose the woman that I love. I think she was convinced that this was the right thing to do but I'm now getting a feeling that she's second guessing herself...

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I'm sorry to hear about this. I cannot imagine how devastating it must be. I'm not sure what to tell you as I am not myself married neither do I have children. The suggestion I have if it is of any value, is maybe wait a while and take your wife out on a date. It obviously seems like she still cares for you alot, especially with the embrace you shared. You said you were planning to get things sorted out with you first right? Maybe do a little of that and then make you move. Dating again may reignite whatever feelings are laying deep within her. It also may give you a chance to start over again together.

 

You two have shared a life together. You have shared a house. Brought a beautiful child into the world. That is alot for someone to give up over money, that is something worth infinitely more. Hopefully she will come around. I hope I could help even if it was just a little.

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I am so sorry to hear this but maybe instead of thinking how wonderful she was and how you are losing such a wonderful person...how about looking at things a bit differently. Look at what she has done:

1. You earn less than her but she expected you to pay expenses 50-50.

2. When things weren't going well, you still had to pay your 50% and ended up getting into debt. She got angry rather than understanding that in a marriage, you cover for each other in times of trouble.

3. She has just broken this news to you and is already dating and telling you she is over you. Not very understanding and compassionate.

4. Not only is she dating, but she is dating a friend/acquaintance of yours.

Wow, not too compassionate and empathetic on her part. Rather cold and callous.

5. Playing up the missing you and hugging you while still planning on going out on dates and telling you she is not in love with you.

 

She is very cold, cunning and manipulative. She knows your weak spots and is playing up to that. Be very very careful and make sure you protect your interests. DO NOT TRUST HER AT ALL. Watch your back and don't fall for the lovey dovey act. Look at your relationship from different eyes and you might start to see other things that were sneaky, underhanded and lacking in a true partnership on her side.

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I want to thank everyone for your advice and kind words of encouragement.

 

Over the past few weeks since she filed, I haven't been able to eat (I've lost 14 pounds and I only weigh 195 at 6'1) and can't sleep. It is literally killing me physically. SO, I called my wife tonight and basically laid it all out. I told her how this all is affecting me and that I just cannot do it anymore. I ultimately told her that I cannot stand beside and let her be the one to decide our future and that I am making the decision that I feel is best for me and my daughter. She agreed and told me that she never saw us having a romantic relationship again but she wanted to not hurt me so we could still be friends. To be honest, I guess I'd rather have her in my life than not at all so that is fine.

 

She made her decision for her and now I'm making mine. I feel the best I've felt in weeks right now....somewhat empowered but more relieved than anything else. Thank you again for everything and I'll definitely continue on this board as it's helped me make it through this tough time. I'm not pretending that there won't be anymore tough times but as of right now I feel very good about my decision.

 

Thank you,

Ryan

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