How to tell if gf has a promiscuous past?

You could just ask.

This is an incredibly smug and intolerant statement. You choose to lable people as ignorant if they don't meet YOUR expectations of tolerance... If they don't live by your standards of what's acceptable.

bigot

One entry found for bigot.

Main Entry: big·ot

Pronunciation: 'bi-g&t

Function: noun

Etymology: French, hypocrite, bigot

: a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

prejudice

2 entries found for prejudice.

Main Entry: 1prej·u·dice

Pronunciation: 'pre-j&-d&s

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin praejudicium previous judgment, damage, from prae- + judicium judgment -- more at JUDICIAL

1 : injury or damage resulting from some judgment or action of another in disregard of one's rights; especially : detriment to one's legal rights or claims

2 a (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge b : an instance of such judgment or opinion c : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics

Everyone is entitled to their opinian I suppose. No matter how intolerant, or bigoted, or predjudiced. Even me, regarding bigots.

I think oral sex is sometimes more intimate than regular sex.

I do agree with you here. Just my opinion. But I've only given oral to 2 different men in my life. My ex who I was with for 6 yrs, and my b/f who I hope to marry someday. I just find it EXTREMELY personal. Not that I don't find sex extremely personal, but oral is just, well....involves your mouth.

I do agree with you here. Just my opinion. But I've only given oral to 2 different men in my life. My ex who I was with for 6 yrs, and my b/f who I hope to marry someday. I just find it EXTREMELY personal. Not that I don't find sex extremely personal, but oral is just, well....involves your mouth.

I agree. I find giving oral to be really intimate. I know a lot of people think the opposite. I know that I have given oral to less people than my boyfriend has received from. It doesn't bother me, though.

Question for the OP:

I have to ask, as others have, how many women have you slept with? And what number would be "satisfactory" for you, for your girlfriend of 36 years who has never been married? AND (bonus round!), why ARE you wondering about this eight months into the relationship?

No judgment, just want info in order to give advice...

Wow that is amazing. I was considering replying with the same information you listed as your views towards men seem to fit both. I understand that my joking may have come accross as prejudiced against women but the fact of the matter is in my household, my wife is the bread winner and I'm more than ok with that. I'm not one of these guys who thinks a woman's place is in the home or not entitled to the same respect as a man. I do however have a problem with women who constantly complain about unfair treatment. You want to know who calls promiscuous women * * * * * *? other women, not men... It's other women, it's their friends behind their back that are jealous of the attention they're getting. Think about it for a second, you keep talking about how bad men are for judging... But you know who's more likely to use those terms. When it comes to choosing a relationship partner and using the "number" as a criteria, women do it just as much as men do.

I care because i just want to know. They say the past doesn't matter, but it does. I don't want to get really serious with a woman who has been with a lot of guys.

You know what, so what if she was. Many people are at some point in there lives. I was premiscuous when I was younger- mabey 10-12 years ago. But that was then. People can change. Its called growing up. Haven't you ever done anything in the past that you wouldn't do now? I don't think you should concern yourself with it.

While I don't agree with the original poster's criteria for selecting a partner, I don't really see why it is "wrong" or for that matter any different than preferring brunette's over redheads. I guess with the haircolor example, it has to do with something the person can't control and some may see it as unimportant or superficial but I say...it's almost impossible to know quite what mix of things will attract you to someone or make you want to be with them long-term and I don't think when it comes to matters of the heart, feelings about what is attractive or unattractive can ever be called wrong or bad criteria for making relationship decisions.

While I don't agree with the original poster's criteria for selecting a partner, I don't really see why it is "wrong" or for that matter any different than preferring brunette's over redheads. I guess with the haircolor example, it has to do with something the person can't control and some may see it as unimportant or superficial but I say...it's almost impossible to know quite what mix of things will attract you to someone or make you want to be with them long-term and I don't think when it comes to matters of the heart, feelings about what is attractive or unattractive can ever be called wrong or bad criteria for making relationship decisions.

Well, I think one of the issues that's been raised is the fact that he's (apparently) waited till nearly a year in to bring it up.

I won't argue the fact that he (or anyone else for that matter) can set up whatever standards they want for themselves in terms of a partner. No matter how aribitrary they may seem to an outside observer. Heck, I had a bias against guys who thought having a TV in the bedroom was acceptable, if you want to talk about nitpicky arbitrary standards.

Just seems to me that if you have such a standard, and it was that important to you, you'd screen potential partners based on your preferences earlier on than 8 months into a relationship.

 

Just seems to me that if you have such a standard, and it was that important to you, you'd screen potential partners based on your preferences earlier on than 8 months into a relationship.

Definitely a valid point. Perhaps, however, this is one of those "better late than after we get married" types of compatibility issues. I do see the point that its a little odd to now be thinking about this when the relationship has gone on and probably gone well for many months.

She has never been married.

 

I don't want to bring this up to her, and if I did, she would probably lie about the "number" anyway. But I really want to know if she has been around or not.

 

If I asked, do most women lie about the number of partners they have been with?

 

?

Okay, he states TWICE that she would probably lie...and do most women lie?...he also stated this was a dealbreaker for him..but he already has the pre-concieved notion she is going to lie anyway.

He should just ask her. Asking everyone else if they think she will lie or not based on what most women would or would not do has nothing to do with the relationship (8 months) they have established. If he has no trust in her at this point, perhaps he should skip the whole question and break up with her. I agree that if it is important to him that he should ask...but since I have been dating I have never waited that long to bring up a deal-breaker question.I bring them up as soon as I think we are thinking of becoming a long term thing. That should have been brought up before they got intimate. That is like telling someone you do not want kids...and they do....months and months down the road in the relationship. It is a waste of time. And feelings get hurt. He knows this because he states he doesn't WANT to ask her. If he does ask her I do not think he should assume she is lying. Not fair. But if he has serious concerns that she is unfit to be in his life...better now than even later.

Standards are one thing, standards involve how he treats you, if you have the same goals for later life, etc etc...

having a couple of nights messing around with a guy to see if he likes it, does NOT make a guy gay or bi, and if its in his past, 1: it really is horrible to hold it against him when its not a "wrong" thing to do 2: the AIDS point is moot seeing as you ccan get tests.

Anyway, the point is: should he volenteer that information, no, if he doesnt feel its nessesary.

however (and htis goes for both genders) I think telling the truth about personal matters if your SO asks, is the best thing.

Standards are one thing, standards involve how he treats you, if you have the same goals for later life, etc etc...

 

having a couple of nights messing around with a guy to see if he likes it, does NOT make a guy gay or bi, and if its in his past, 1: it really is horrible to hold it against him when its not a "wrong" thing to do 2: the AIDS point is moot seeing as you ccan get tests.

 

Anyway, the point is: should he volenteer that information, no, if he doesnt feel its nessesary.

however (and htis goes for both genders) I think telling the truth about personal matters if your SO asks, is the best thing.

But if you're the type of person to "hold it against" him, then why would he want to date you anyway? I just think why not make up all the rules you want for a potential partner, and then if you can find one that fits, good for you. Also I disagree that the past number of sex partners is irrelevant - some numbers can certainly only be had through casual sex, and to want to date someone who feels the same way about sex as you do seems totally relevant and permissible.

Anyway I don't particularly care to argue this forever, but I don't see what the problem is with people coming up with their own little algorithms for who they want to date and have sex with. But then they shouldn't complain if they can't find anyone who is willing to date them!

But if you're the type of person to "hold it against" him, then why would he want to date you anyway? I just think why not make up all the rules you want for a potential partner, and then if you can find one that fits, good for you. Also I disagree that the past number of sex partners is irrelevant - some numbers can certainly only be had through casual sex, and to want to date someone who feels the same way about sex as you do seems totally relevant and permissible.

 

Anyway I don't particularly care to argue this forever, but I don't see what the problem is with people coming up with their own little algorithms for who they want to date and have sex with. But then they shouldn't complain if they can't find anyone who is willing to date them!

The amount of past partners is irrelevant, as EVERY relationship is new... its about how two people bounce off and relate to one antoher, not about what has happened in the past.

If someone has a high number beucase they dont want to setlle down, but theyre partner has a low number because they are only into long-term monogomy, thats not an issue of the number, its an issue of communication.

Someone could have a low number and still only want casual sex, just as someone with a high number may only want to be with their current partner.

Its PATHETIC to base a desicion like that off a number... it can be ONE out of many factors, sure, but not the deciding point of a relationship.

but yes, I suppose you are right in your last point, if all of the people who judge a partner before they meet them only date eachother, then there are more open minded people to choose from for the rest of us!!

The amount of past partners is irrelevant, as EVERY relationship is new... its about how two people bounce off and relate to one antoher, not about what has happened in the past.

I would disagree with this, every relationship is not 'new'. You carry your past experiences (good and bad) into your NEW relationship. I dont believe in a 'new' slate, because if it was then you would be making the same mistakes. It has everything to do with the pass. If a person has a tendency to continue having negative relationships i would be less likely to have relationship with that person.

If someone has a high number beucase they dont want to setlle down, but theyre partner has a low number because they are only into long-term monogomy, thats not an issue of the number, its an issue of communication.

i would more likely say it is a compatablity problem and not a communucation problem.

Its PATHETIC to base a desicion like that off a number... it can be ONE out of many factors, sure, but not the deciding point of a relationship.

Again, I dont quite agree. I don't believe it is pathetic to base a relationship on the number of ex lovers. It is about choice, people have the right to say what they can put up with and what weight they put on the number of partners their S.O has. I think many here would rise an eye brow if they found out their S.O has had 100+ partners. (it just says that the person might have a problem)

In a relationship we all judge and we all test. The problem lays with acceptance. We are afraid of RISK, risking of telling the truth and facing the reprocussion of our past behaviour. IF you can live with yourself great. If your partner cannot live with the truth then MAYBE he/she isn't the right one for you.

I think the OP's point is that if she's been ****ing herself self around, she's more likely to be less commital and less faithful.

While that would be a reasonable reason to want to know, I don't think that's the OP's point. He never said that, and he gives to me the impression that he just doesn't like the idea that his gf may have a bit of a ****ing past.

Regarding the whole "double standard" of women being regarded as sl*ts while guys being regarded as st*ds if they have had a lot of sex, there's a reason for it.

For a guy to get sex, it's regarded as an achievement, and a woman is seen as "giving something up". This is similar to the view of "losing your virginity" held by some people on this very forum.

Pretty much any woman can get sex regardless of her personality, as long as she is not hideously ugly (and even that can often be rectified to a certain degree with make-up etc.).

Whereas a guy - even a reasonably good looking guy - usually has to have a certain amount of charm and wit, and usually has to do a bit of work in order to get sex.

OK this is not always the case, but more often than not, a woman has to be a lot less charming than a guy of equal degree of looks in order for them to get together and do the deed. So the woman is often seen as the one being gotten by the guy.

Now this could be to do with evolution (a woman can only have a child once every nine months so she should be selective with a mate, while a man can impregnate many women so he should spread his seed as much as possible to pass on his genes) or something but whatever it is, it's an old fashioned prejudice, and the sooner it's gotten rid of the better for men and women - men because it'll be easier to get sex, and women because there won't be the same stigma for them.

Women complain about the double-standards of the application of labels, (and by the way, I know a lot of women who apply these same labels), but I'd say that if you asked loads of women and men who they would agree to have sex with (honestly now), the women would be a lot more selective than the men.

1) What does it matter, because if you dont feel comfortable asking

her, and then believing what she tells you then beyond wasting a lot

of money on a private detective there just is no way to find out

for sure is there?

2)If the number of ex sex partners your current partner had is really that

big of a issue for you, (and it is for some people) then the onus

is on you to search out somebody where this would not be a

such a problem. Many people who have waited until 36 to get married

have had multiple partners- often more than somebody who got

married in their 20s for example. This is just a simple fact of life,

that really doesn't mean much when trying to judge a persons

character. I know 1 woman and 1 guy who had both had only

1 sexual partner by 35 who made a lousy couple- got married and

divorced in 1 year. I know other men and women who were wild in

their 20s who've been happily married with kids for over 10 years now.

3) You say you guys are doing fine now.Would you be better

served to focus on what you have together now, and hopefully will

have together in the future instead of wasting time thinking

about what happened in past, which is the only slice of time that can

neither be changed nor influenced? There are only so many minutes in the

day to spend worrying about various things- is this the most important

thing, is this the most important thing to spend those minutes on?

I think one good indicator is to ask this forum question and then see whether they get offended. If so, they probably had more than 1 previous partners. Hope that helps.

I think one good indicator is to ask this forum question and then see whether they get offended. If so, they probably had more than 1 previous partners. Hope that helps.

Or she might just think it's none of their business.

Like I said before, it's one thing to want to know, but it's another thing entirely to use whatever information you get against that person. After 8 months of a committed, faithful relationship, that's entirely unfair.

Or she might just think it's none of their business.

I'm sure the poster is able to sense whether she is offended because it's none of his business, or that she has in fact been with a few other guys.

It really depends on how he asks it too.

And yes, i do believe its something that a guy would want to know. Just because you guys have otherwise opinion doesn't make him guilty of wanting to know. I was reading some of the posts here and some even say he's insecure. It's like, trying to insult someone because you don't like what he asks. As a guy, i completely understand his curiosity. On one hand, he wants to fulfill his curiosity, on the other, if she really has been with 10 guys before, he can better predict whether there will be future with the girl.

I'm sure the poster is able to sense whether she is offended because it's none of his business, or that she has in fact been with a few other guys.

 

It really depends on how he asks it too.

 

And yes, i do believe its something that a guy would want to know. Just because you guys have otherwise opinion doesn't make him guilty of wanting to know. I was reading some of the posts here and some even say he's insecure. It's like, trying to insult someone because you don't like what he asks. As a guy, i completely understand his curiosity. On one hand, he wants to fulfill his curiosity, on the other, if she really has been with 10 guys before, he can better predict whether there will be future with the girl.

That's not what the majority of people in here are arguing about. It's the fact that he's waited almost a year to ask a deal-breaker question. If the answer's too high, he said he's going to dump her.

After such a long relationship, I think her track-record with this particular guy speaks MUCH louder than the number of guys she's been with before him. Shouldn't he judge her on how she has behaved with him instead of on her past? Say she's been with 10 guys. Does that automatically negate not having cheated on her present boyfriend, and predict (somehow) that she's going to cheat, even though she's never, ever cheated before and her experience with each of those guys was in a monogamous relationship?

And how many is too many? Is it one guy for every month they've been together, and if there are more guys than months, she's out of there? Sorry, it just seems like a ridiculous excuse to dump someone. Especially after almost a year.

Not to mention that he's not going to believe what she says because "all girls lie about the number of guys they've slept with" anyway.

Or she might just think it's none of their business.

 

Like I said before, it's one thing to want to know, but it's another thing entirely to use whatever information you get against that person. After 8 months of a committed, faithful relationship, that's entirely unfair.

Life isn't fair. If it's REALLY serious to the OP, go ahead and ask and make a decision based on it. If this causes a big schism because it's important to you and not to her, than maybe you two aren't as suited for each other as you though.

My god, the need to be politically correct is hideously burdensome. If a girl was asking this question, I'm sure it would be entirely justified. I'm entirely amused that so many people rushed to defend someone they don't know.

Nothing like being enlightened by such tolerant free thinkers. Everyone is pushing their own brand of intolerance in one way or another, and the agenda pushing gets old.

My god, the need to be politically correct is hideously burdensome. If a girl was asking this question, I'm sure it would be entirely justified. I'm entirely amused that so many people rushed to defend someone they don't know.

 

Nothing like being enlightened by such tolerant free thinkers. Everyone is pushing their own brand of intolerance in one way or another, and the agenda pushing gets old.

Actually, if you had read this thread in-depth you would have found arguments on both sides. The poster wanted advice, we all answer here based on our own experiences and with our own opinians...and he had an agenda in asking in the first place. He did ask.(this IS a forum btw)..we told him he DID have a right..but he also did not feel she would answer honestly. He did ask her...and he still wasn't altogether happy. So yeah, there are male and female opinons and perspectives. Both were represented here. What is your problem with that? I think the whole actual thread was old news two weeks before you posted. You do have a right to your opinian though, however after the fact it is.

It was on the front page, so it's not like I dug into the archives to make a random point. I'm not saying anyone got ganged up on, I just think it's utterly hilarious that anyone would be offended by the question. I myself have NO sexual history, and among people my age that's something to be embarrased about. I guess I find it funny that people take it so seriously? I don't know.

I did that to my ex when we were still going out. I used to ask her who she dated before me and what she did. Why? I just wanted to feel assured that she really did like me and wouldnt take me as just another guy, (shes been with alot of guys). Ultimately, you shouldnt worry about it. From my experience it just makes the both of you uncomfortable and they dont like it when you ask.