How to tell if gf has a promiscuous past?

[valiantv]

I think the OP's point is that if she's been ****ing herself self around, she's more likely to be less commital and less faithful.

While that would be a reasonable reason to want to know, I don't think that's the OP's point. He never said that, and he gives to me the impression that he just doesn't like the idea that his gf may have a bit of a ****ing past.

Regarding the whole "double standard" of women being regarded as sl*ts while guys being regarded as st*ds if they have had a lot of sex, there's a reason for it.
For a guy to get sex, it's regarded as an achievement, and a woman is seen as "giving something up". This is similar to the view of "losing your virginity" held by some people on this very forum.

Pretty much any woman can get sex regardless of her personality, as long as she is not hideously ugly (and even that can often be rectified to a certain degree with make-up etc.).
Whereas a guy - even a reasonably good looking guy - usually has to have a certain amount of charm and wit, and usually has to do a bit of work in order to get sex.

OK this is not always the case, but more often than not, a woman has to be a lot less charming than a guy of equal degree of looks in order for them to get together and do the deed. So the woman is often seen as the one being gotten by the guy.

Now this could be to do with evolution (a woman can only have a child once every nine months so she should be selective with a mate, while a man can impregnate many women so he should spread his seed as much as possible to pass on his genes) or something but whatever it is, it's an old fashioned prejudice, and the sooner it's gotten rid of the better for men and women - men because it'll be easier to get sex, and women because there won't be the same stigma for them.

Women complain about the double-standards of the application of labels, (and by the way, I know a lot of women who apply these same labels), but I'd say that if you asked loads of women and men who they would agree to have sex with (honestly now), the women would be a lot more selective than the men.

[QuestSanity]

1) What does it matter, because if you dont feel comfortable asking
her, and then believing what she tells you then beyond wasting a lot
of money on a private detective there just is no way to find out
for sure is there?

2)If the number of ex sex partners your current partner had is really that
big of a issue for you, (and it is for some people) then the onus
is on you to search out somebody where this would not be a
such a problem. Many people who have waited until 36 to get married
have had multiple partners- often more than somebody who got
married in their 20s for example. This is just a simple fact of life,
that really doesn't mean much when trying to judge a persons
character. I know 1 woman and 1 guy who had both had only
1 sexual partner by 35 who made a lousy couple- got married and
divorced in 1 year. I know other men and women who were wild in
their 20s who've been happily married with kids for over 10 years now.

3) You say you guys are doing fine now.Would you be better
served to focus on what you have together now, and hopefully will
have together in the future instead of wasting time thinking
about what happened in past, which is the only slice of time that can
neither be changed nor influenced? There are only so many minutes in the
day to spend worrying about various things- is this the most important
thing, is this the most important thing to spend those minutes on?

[spirits]

I think one good indicator is to ask this forum question and then see whether they get offended. If so, they probably had more than 1 previous partners. Hope that helps.

[treefrogkate]

I think one good indicator is to ask this forum question and then see whether they get offended. If so, they probably had more than 1 previous partners. Hope that helps.

Or she might just think it's none of their business.

Like I said before, it's one thing to want to know, but it's another thing entirely to use whatever information you get against that person. After 8 months of a committed, faithful relationship, that's entirely unfair.

[spirits]

Or she might just think it's none of their business.

I'm sure the poster is able to sense whether she is offended because it's none of his business, or that she has in fact been with a few other guys.

It really depends on how he asks it too.

And yes, i do believe its something that a guy would want to know. Just because you guys have otherwise opinion doesn't make him guilty of wanting to know. I was reading some of the posts here and some even say he's insecure. It's like, trying to insult someone because you don't like what he asks. As a guy, i completely understand his curiosity. On one hand, he wants to fulfill his curiosity, on the other, if she really has been with 10 guys before, he can better predict whether there will be future with the girl.

[treefrogkate]

I'm sure the poster is able to sense whether she is offended because it's none of his business, or that she has in fact been with a few other guys.

It really depends on how he asks it too.

And yes, i do believe its something that a guy would want to know. Just because you guys have otherwise opinion doesn't make him guilty of wanting to know. I was reading some of the posts here and some even say he's insecure. It's like, trying to insult someone because you don't like what he asks. As a guy, i completely understand his curiosity. On one hand, he wants to fulfill his curiosity, on the other, if she really has been with 10 guys before, he can better predict whether there will be future with the girl.

That's not what the majority of people in here are arguing about. It's the fact that he's waited almost a year to ask a deal-breaker question. If the answer's too high, he said he's going to dump her.

After such a long relationship, I think her track-record with this particular guy speaks MUCH louder than the number of guys she's been with before him. Shouldn't he judge her on how she has behaved with him instead of on her past? Say she's been with 10 guys. Does that automatically negate not having cheated on her present boyfriend, and predict (somehow) that she's going to cheat, even though she's never, ever cheated before and her experience with each of those guys was in a monogamous relationship?

And how many is too many? Is it one guy for every month they've been together, and if there are more guys than months, she's out of there? Sorry, it just seems like a ridiculous excuse to dump someone. Especially after almost a year.

Not to mention that he's not going to believe what she says because "all girls lie about the number of guys they've slept with" anyway.

[ProtestTheHero]

Or she might just think it's none of their business.

Like I said before, it's one thing to want to know, but it's another thing entirely to use whatever information you get against that person. After 8 months of a committed, faithful relationship, that's entirely unfair.

Life isn't fair. If it's REALLY serious to the OP, go ahead and ask and make a decision based on it. If this causes a big schism because it's important to you and not to her, than maybe you two aren't as suited for each other as you though.

My god, the need to be politically correct is hideously burdensome. If a girl was asking this question, I'm sure it would be entirely justified. I'm entirely amused that so many people rushed to defend someone they don't know.

Nothing like being enlightened by such tolerant free thinkers. Everyone is pushing their own brand of intolerance in one way or another, and the agenda pushing gets old.

[fnlyfrei]

My god, the need to be politically correct is hideously burdensome. If a girl was asking this question, I'm sure it would be entirely justified. I'm entirely amused that so many people rushed to defend someone they don't know.

Nothing like being enlightened by such tolerant free thinkers. Everyone is pushing their own brand of intolerance in one way or another, and the agenda pushing gets old.

Actually, if you had read this thread in-depth you would have found arguments on both sides. The poster wanted advice, we all answer here based on our own experiences and with our own opinians...and he had an agenda in asking in the first place. He did ask.(this IS a forum btw)..we told him he DID have a right..but he also did not feel she would answer honestly. He did ask her...and he still wasn't altogether happy. So yeah, there are male and female opinons and perspectives. Both were represented here. What is your problem with that? I think the whole actual thread was old news two weeks before you posted. You do have a right to your opinian though, however after the fact it is.

[ProtestTheHero]

It was on the front page, so it's not like I dug into the archives to make a random point. I'm not saying anyone got ganged up on, I just think it's utterly hilarious that anyone would be offended by the question. I myself have NO sexual history, and among people my age that's something to be embarrased about. I guess I find it funny that people take it so seriously? I don't know.

[Masu16]

I did that to my ex when we were still going out. I used to ask her who she dated before me and what she did. Why? I just wanted to feel assured that she really did like me and wouldnt take me as just another guy, (shes been with alot of guys). Ultimately, you shouldnt worry about it. From my experience it just makes the both of you uncomfortable and they dont like it when you ask.