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My boyfriend never compliments me. Is this bad?


cordell13

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I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now. We hit it off right away and at the beginning, he said he was "crushed out" on me. We usually email everyday and see eachother on the weekends. We don't normally talk on the phone a lot but since we remain in contact through email, I think that is ok. But back to the point - I got my hair done last week and wore something really nice to his house. He made no comment about my hair or my outfit and I really wanted him to say at least something about it. He knew I hadn't gotten my hair done in awhile and I was VERY excited about this appointment. We went out to dinner that night and a lot of guys were smiling and starring and he couldn't even tell me I look nice. I know I should have let it go, but it was bothering me so I asked him about it. He said that he just is not that type of guy and will only give "sincere" compliments - which I agree with, but come on! It sucks when I'm at a bar and a guy approaches him and says "your girlfriend is really pretty" to which he replies "yes, she is." and doesn't say it directly to me. Am I making too big a deal out of this? Should I let it go? I'm secure enough in myself that I know I look good at certain times, but it would be nice to hear sometimes.

We also plan on moving in together in the Spring. So this relationship is pretty serious. And we do say the "I love you's"

 

Help! I may be making this out to be a bigger deal than it is. Any advice or support is much appreciated!

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I can understand this - I have quite low self-esteem, and I fret easily. So if I've had my hair done, I usually give bloke the heads up before I go and afterwards: sort of jokey but serious (tomorrow if you value a peaceful life say something nice about my hair!), and he always does... Mind you, he's pretty good about compliments anyway. I think he's figured out that's the way to a happier me, which = more sex for him. But on the other hand, I don't think it's that big a deal, because sometimes people communicate differently.

 

There's this quiz that you might want to have a look at, about whether you feel loved:

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"Sometimes the way someone shows love is not what makes their partner feel loved. For example, one person may show love by looking after their partner's practical needs, when what the partner longs for is a hug and tender words."

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He knows it would make you happy, yet he makes no effort. Hmm... Giving a compliment isn't hard. It doesn't cost money or require sacrifice. I wonder how he would respond to you needing something that did require a bit of effort on his part?

 

The sincere part I understand too. But you're not asking him to lie. Obviously he's attracted to you since he's with you. So why can't he vocalise that?

 

I have a kinda-similar problem with my bf. Well, it's not really a problem.. But he gives plenty of compliments on the way I look, and no compliments on other things... my personality, my company, my strength, my dedication to him, my ambition....

 

Does your bf give compliments about things other than your looks?

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How long have you two been together? Everything else pretty good besides he doesn't get the idea that a partner should bring up (compliment) their partner?

 

Your thread made me flash back..... I had pretty much the same situation with hair being highlighted and my bf not saying anything.

 

I finally kinda called him out on it, nicely. "So what do you think my hair looks good? You're not going to say anything about it?" No response. I asked again later and he said:

"Your friend Lisa already told you it looks good. What will me telling you do? Make your head blow up even more....."

 

He never did say "You're hair looks great."

 

My now ex acted quite insecure often. I have to give kudos to your guy for sitting calmly when other men come up and say "your gf is beautiful."

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compliment me in other areas either, now that I think about it. I just don't know. Our relationship is really good in other ways. We are constantly making the other person laugh, we say I love you to each other. I guess I'm just nervous thinking about moving in with him in the Spring if some of these things are bothering me. When I brought it up, he reacted as if I was telling him he was a bad boyfriend. That is not how I meant it at all.

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I think we need some words from the men on this forum.

 

Does your bf express lots of love for you? Is he affectionate, etc? I ask because mine did none of those things and eventually I just felt like he must not have liked me at all.

 

I have many male friends that have lots of sweet things to say and often. My ex just doesn't seem like he was capable and it become a huge problem.

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To me this is a big deal. You're early into the relationship, break up now before you end up getting more attached. Really. He's not the right guy for you. My ex husband told me I was beautiful often (which I never really believed, but still it's nice to hear). Compliments are necessary for a healthy,fulfilling relationship.

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In my experience, anyone I ever dated that didn't compliment me simply wasn't into me. The relationships always ended, usually because I got sick of feeling like the only person I wasn't impressing was my BF...

 

It's something you can overlook, but honestly with so many guys in the world that WILL compliment you, why bother with one that makes you feel undervalued?

 

Especially after just 5 months...

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The funny thing is, when he is drunk he is as sweet as a lamb and tells me I'm gorgeous and really hot and he doesn't know how he got a girl like me. So I know he has it in him.

 

My ex husband told me I was beautiful all the time and he ended up cheating on me and getting another girl pregnant.

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Tell me about it. It really did wonders for my self-esteem especially when we were trying to have a baby. That was 3 years ago and I think I'm now at a place where I can be with someone and be secure in myself. It was a long road getting here.

 

Thanks for all your posts! I guess I will just try and figure whether this really bothers me or if it doesn't. I guess I also need more time figuring him out.

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The funny thing is, when he is drunk he is as sweet as a lamb and tells me I'm gorgeous and really hot and he doesn't know how he got a girl like me. So I know he has it in him.

 

The thing is, who we are when we are drunk is NOT who we really are. I mean, okay, is it possible he just has trouble expressing himself because he is so overwhelmed by your beauty that he chokes up? Sure!

 

But if he'd tell a fire hydrant it was sexy when he's drunk, then what he says/does when he's drunk has very little meaning, IMO.

 

I think you're right though... Decide if it bothers you or not.

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To me hearing compliments (especially from people I'm close to) makes me feel appreciated or noticed in a positive way. I had a boyfriend that said he did not like to give compliments because he was afraid he would build me up to the point that I would think I was too good for him and leave him. I actually think alot of people (insecure) might feel like that about giving compliments. I can't imaging it but it's possible some people are unable to notice anything to compliment. I have another boyfriend that is very secure and content with his life and all he has and he compliments me so much I feel like a princess...LOL...my cooking, what I wear, how I like the same things as he does...it's funny sometimes but it's making me really love being around him...so it's working. Good luck dealing with that...No fun

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i can get where your coming from. I'm a very anxious person and need to be reassured and complimented pretty much all the time (I really dont know how my boyfriend copes with this - isnt this a guy's worst nightmare?!).

 

However, when it comes to guys, they dont really notice the individual things. For example, with the haircut, your girlfriends might comment on how pretty it makes you look, whereas a man will just notice that actually, you look nice. Same deal with clothes. Men look at the whole picture.

 

You could try complimenting him. It might be he's just shy and needs that reassureance too.

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  • 4 years later...

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and he hasnt said one compliment about me at all! i even ask DO YOU THINK IM PRETTY OR ATTRACTIve? A YES or no questiion and he cant even tell me. He pushes me to tell him i love him yet he cant tell me i look good or any kind of compliment but yet he finds it quites easy to insult me or others. Makes me feel like an ugly piece of crap and it hurts. ive tried explaining this to him and he just blames it all on me for low self esteem. yes i have low confidence but its not hard to tell the person youre with and supposedly love something nice every once in awhile. he can watch almost naked skinny girls on tv and be all excited bout them but cant say nothing about me. it pisses me off i dont understand it at all either.

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I have the reverse issue with my gf. I am always free with the complements, but it is rare I get them from her. I've learned to look for little cues that show she's into me, rather than words. For example, last night we got dressed up to go out. She digs guys in vests, so I wore one last night. When I walked into her apartment, she stared at me and muttered with a half-smile "hm, oh, you are wearing a vest." Staring. Half-smile. Muttering. I felt showered with praise. That's the kind of girl she is, and it makes me feel awesome to tune into that quirk of hers.

 

I don't think you or anybody else is insecure for wanting your efforts recognized when you want to impress your partner. That's what couples do together. It's hot. It's energizing. It's inspiring.

 

Also, I like DN's advice, positive reinforcement and stuff. Definitely worth a try.

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  • 7 months later...
My ex husband told me I was beautiful all the time and he ended up cheating on me and getting another girl pregnant.

 

I'm not surprised by this at all. Saying words is easy. If a guy cares about you so little that he'd cheat on you, you're very likely to hear lots of great words coming out of his mouth because that doesn't take any effort.

 

So, if you're someone who values words over actions, I suppose you can expect to get burned like this over and over until you learn words don't mean much and what's important is how someone behaves.

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My bf does compliment me sometimes but sometimes when I dress up and think I'm looking good, he won't say a peep and I say "how do I look?" expectantly, and he'll say "you always look good". He told me once that he doesn't want me to get a big head by complimenting me too much. He assumes that because I'm decent looking that I'll get cocky about it if he tells me. Trust me, that won't happen but some people worry about this angle. This might be why some people don't like to give compliments IMO.

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I think it's important to compliment each other, especially as the years go on.

 

Imagine all the times you've seen each other at your worst - with the flu, in your old clothes cleaning, that year you gained weight and you had to buy new pants. It can bring on insecurity, little by little.

 

Compliments don't have to be serious, and it always feels best when they're spontaneous, like when my hubby gets home and says I look pretty, or tells me supper was delicious, or says he was thinking of me during the day.

 

Even funny compliments can help a couple bond.

 

Every now and then I'll say to my husband "Nice bum. Where ya from?" and he blushes like you wouldn't believe...so cute. He's almost 45, so you'd think he'd be immune, but everyone likes to hear that they're appreciated from time to time.

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