..........................

Sex is suppose to be between you and the person you love.

How am I suppose to feel.

I.....it's like I just can't feel comfortable with it any more. I really didn't want something like this to happen.

It's like I have to have alcohol first.

I wasn't this way before, but now, alcohol is what helps me to feel that I'm not being raped again.

Sex is suppose to be beautiful, not scary and uncomfortable.

I want it to be okay.

And eventually I want to feel like I'm able to have it (sex), feel sexual, without the alcohol.

But I am confronting my fear head on.

I'm forcing myself to participate anyway.

I mean, I'm in a relationship.

He loves me, and I want him to feel loved in return. I don't want him to feel like he's hurting me or like he's doing something wrong.

I love him, I want us to have happy and have enjoyable sex like everybody else.

All of the time.

One time I was able to have sex (without alcohol). Well twice actually. The first time it was horrible, not my boyfriend, but my thoughts.

I felt like I was being raped. In my head I kept thinking, "I hate this! I hate this! I never want to have sex again!"

And what's worst of all is that I thought, "You're such a pig". I had that thought about my boyfriend!!! Can you believe that I would think something so hurtful and something so untrue. How could I think something so horrible.

He was just making love to me, and.......I'm upset with myself for thinking that way. He's done nothing wrong towards me, he's only loved me.

And nothing is his fault.

Why do I feel this way? I should know the difference.

Well, the second time I felt bad in the beginning, but then I looked into his eyes and I was actually able to enjoy it during that second half!

I was so happy because in the beginning I was feeling like I was a failure, ya know.

That no matter how many times I had sex I would feel the same way.

But that wasn't the case. In the beginning it was hard but afterwards it felt great.

I just really hope that this part of my journey is short lived. I hope that I'll be able to have wonderful sex and enjoy it every time.

Well, thanks for listening.

I've got to get back to my boyfriend, LOL, I know he's curious about what I'm typing.

~Grace

Gosh, sometimes I just don't know about me.

And then we've been together for a year which is great! I've never been in a relationship for so long.

And I have so much pressure on me.

Where are we going to live? When will we be able to leave this long distance relationship behind and just be together???

Today, well yesterday, I seriously thought about just focusing on myself. Learning to make myself happy again.

Learning to be me again. Without the fears, or the pain.

I think that maybe I can be that way again.

Anywho, sex is complicated now-a-days.

I used to want it, or at least that's what I thought. But I really just didn't want to fear it anymore. I think that maybe if I just keep trying with my boyfriend, eventually it'll all be okay.

Although I may need alcohol to assist me in the beginning phases.

@-)-- --(-- @

I go to the police station tomorrow. I have to pick up some report for my mother.

Sometimes it seems like I just can't escape the whole rape thing.

When I'm at home their are my parents.

Sometimes you don't need to be reminded that you're going through a rough time, espicially not everyday.

@ -)-- --(-- @

I went to my school today, to take care of some things. Whew! I'm proud of myself though.

I hate that place, I have so many bad memories. It used to terrify me going to that place, but today it was decent.

Espicially with my boyfriend.

@ -)-- --(-- @

For anyone who's been in a long-term relationship (well, to a lot of people a year isn't long term).........do you ever look at the person you're with and see them in a different light?

Like, they are a wonderful person, they've been with you through thick and thin.....you love them.....but you're finding them to be incredibly immature at times, and you wonder, how did I not notice that before?

I went out with a girl and had a very long relationship with her years back.

She was raped when she was 12.

When we had sex, the first time she cried and told me. After that I took sex at her pace and almost let her be the leader in bed.

She got into sex after that. Because I was going at her pace.

You could try having sex and your boyfriend is only to do what you tell him to do. Literally.

I dunno - you've undoubtedly tried that already though.

Perhaps you could do slightly less and less alcohol each time and try weening yourself off it? Rather than all or nothing.....

Also you could find that things fade in time.

Lots of people have been raped, easy to find a support group where you could speak to other people with the same experience.

I assume you have counselling?

gracelove, it seems that you have some unresolved issues about abuse,sex as well as maybe a substance abuse problem. i think it would be beneficial for you to seek counseling, so that you could get to the root of your problem and fix it from the ground up. this seems like something too large for you to take on all by yourself. we are all here to help you, but you sound like you are in pain and perhaps having a one on one conversation with a professional would benefit you even more.

rape is a horrible, awful thing. i cannot speak from experience but i do know that nobody ever deserves such abuse. i am not sure if you'll be able to wean yourself off of alcohol all by yourself, or convince yourself of certain things about sexuality all by yourself. again, i think you need counseling and a support group where you can talk to other people who have been through the same thing (perhaps you will find people on this site who can relate).

I do need counseling, I just need the right counselor.

I didn't consider myself as a person who stuggles with substance abuse, but maybe that's something I should think of.

The alcohol just helps me when it comes to sex.

I think I'll ween (sp?) myself off of it gradually.

Maybe sex would be easier if I didn't feel like I was under so much stress.

Maybe it's everything else. Compounded. Maybe stress amplifies the memories of rape.

I think that's got to be it.

I'm tired of all the problems this rape is causing me.

Being raped should be bad enough, ya know.

Why do all of these horrible symptoms and feelings have to be apart of it??? And your body! I'm so upset with my body. My mind. the way my body is responding to stress, to the rape.

Why does it have to affect my memory?

Why to I have to have chronic post traumatic stress disorder, and depression.

I mean, really, why does your body have to change like that?

Why? I can't even think right now. I'm so distraught. I don't want to break down, but I'm doing exactly that. I can feel it. It's like watching a train-wreck in slow motion. You know what's going to happen next but you don't feel you can stop it.