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So i have been dating this boy for almost a year and a half now...before this i was in an on again off again relationship for 3 years so i've never felt quite stable in any relationship in the few i have had. so i started dating my boy, Dan, at the beginning of my senior year of highschool. he lied to me about certain aspects of his life because he thought that i wouldnt even consider dating him if really knew about some of the things that he did. he told me a few months into the relationship and we talked about it and everything and i understood a lot of it, but he knew that i would have a hard time trusting him with some things. then i started to have issues with cutting again right over christmas break of '05 and i broke down to him hoping for help.....to say the least he said he didn't want to deal with it again(a past g/f had done it just for attention and now that is the only thing he thinks cutters want)

so i figured that he was gonna leave if i didn't do something. but it hurt a lot that he didn't want to try and understand me or help. so at that point i kind of just figured he didn't want to help any of my issues and i started having bad flashbacks from when i was dating my ex (who was a horrible horrible person) needless to say i cried a lot and felt excluded and alone over the next few months. i went to a therapists because i told my parents i needed help, and the therapist wanted to get me on medications but it never happened because my mother thinks she knows me better then i know myself....so i'm still struggling with my depression....i'm struggling with the fact that i don't think my b/f knows how to be emotionally there for me.

 

sometimes dan(my b/f) seems to be in his own world...he can be a jerk, but then again i have my fair share of moments of pms outbursts lol, but he can just be plain insensitive. i don't know how many times i've told him everything on my mind and he just doesn't seem to get it and thinks that i am trying to change who he is and that i should be accepting of his insensitivity, that it isn't personal, but sometimes it is, he jokes about cutting to his friends right in front of me, and it hurts. i can take it from people who don't know my problem, but dan knows and he shouldn't do that kind of thing in front of me. i learned from his ma that he has some horrible repressed childhood memories that are just horrible and that sometimes those are the reasons why people just keep loved ones at arms length. and his mom wants so badly for him to be a nicer person and be more thankful for what he has, and to just try for once to keep good things in his life, but she told me she felt horrible for saying it, but that i could do a lot better then her son, and that i don't desearve the way he has been treating me. i wanna help him i do but, i just get the feeling that unless he gets a clue sometime soon i'm just gonna go off the deep end.

 

it is difficult to just let go, this is the first time with a romantic partner that i want to be the one there to help, but at the same time i need help too and i don't exactly get it when i need it from him. he can be so good to me sometimes but it seems like the only time it happens is when we are intimate, going to be, or right after....and then everything goes back to the way it was. its horrible but i find him just attractive in that way, and i know he loves having me around, he truly does adore me, he just doesn't know how to show me. if i were to leave him though i would be losing my world. some of his friends and i were really close, and his mom was like a parent i just never had, and just now that i am in college when i go home, his home, is my home....my parents hate it, but i'm so comfertable there....

 

then there is just the issue of the fact that i happen to have fallen in love with Dan's best friend, Jer....throughout all of my problems jer has been the one who was there to talk with me if i needed it. he would make sure if i am ok after a bad night with dan, and i've always found him attractive, and i know he finds me attractive because dan and him will talk about it right in front of me, weird a little, but i'm always flattered. my issue is that A) i don't think i could do that to dan B) jer is his best friend and i don't think he could do that C) it is so conflicting to care about two people in the same ways....there is more to the whole jer thing but i'm really desperate for help, i don't know what to do, where to start with it all, and i am sorry that this is kind of long. i'm just in a situation i wish i never got myself in at times.

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