racked with guilt

Please help me, i am racked with guilt over this.

please dont notify the police or anything i am not a threat to society but ive done something really bad. it was along time ago but i am still haunted by what i did. it even scares me to put this in the abuse and violence catagory. i feel sick about this

im a 45 year old man and 20 years ago i molested my younger brother. i was about 15 or so and he was about 10 i guess. i was old enough to know better. it only happened 3 times over the space of a month or something if i recall correctly and was only those few times

the third and last time he actually encouraged me. god this is hard to write.

i still see him from time to time even though he lives in a another city now and we are close. we have never mentioned this ever. we are both straight.

but i worry that i messed him up by doing this. i am worried sick about it.

im not a pedaphile, nothing like this has ever happened since nor have i ever had any feelings to do it again. i just dont know what came over me and i dont know why i cant get passed this. for years i kind of forgot about it mostly but now i have a son and i started to remember.

there is no danger of me doing this to my son. none whatsoever, i love him with all my heart and could never hurt him but i am abosltely horrified at what i did to my younger brother. he trusted me, this is sick!!!!!!!! i even have nightmares about it sometimes

i dont know what to expect from this site. please dont try to trace my email or whatever and call the police or something. i have to trust you people with this secret

should i see a shrink or something? talk to somebody? should i talk to my brother about it? maybe he has forgotten. maybe it was no big deal to him. i dont know. how do i get rid of this feeling of guilt?

Welcome to the forum.

Of course you should seek therapy for this. What you did was wrong, but your were awfully young yourself. That's certainly no excuse, but contrasts sharply with who you are today, especially since you feel such remorse.

Before broaching the subject with your brother, who may want to avoid the subject, try to sort your own emotions first before starting something that could have unforeseen consequences.

A therapist can give you the guidance to cope with this.

Hi there. I'm sure that telling your story was very hard. I agree that you should get professional help.

When you think back to that time, can you recall what made you feel the urge to think that was "ok" to do to your brother?

Please excuse me for asking such a personal question, but were you ever sexually abused before when you were a child or a teen?

BellaDonna

Hi there. I'm sure that telling your story was very hard. I agree that you should get professional help.

Bella brings up a good point here. I think you should seek some professional help with this since it seems to be bothering you so much. It seems like there are some unresolved issues here that need to be dealt with.

Do the right thing for you and your family.

Hub

When, how, where, etc., would be a question to me, but I think that the guilt you feel is what is bothering you, while I feel that guilt is good, sometimes it needs to be relieved. You did something wrong, and I think the guilt we feel from those things and carry with us often helps us keep ourselves on the straight and narrow.

What's good now, is that you might be both able to deal with your feelings, and then, maybe, deal with your brother. You are here asking for help, and asking for it is the first thing to do. I'm won't tell you to go to counseling, but it could help. It could also help if you try to just figure things out and maybe read about how to deal with this. While I know of none, there might be some self-help or clinical books available.

In the end, I think you will need to deal with your brother, and tell him you love him, as a brother, and ask him for forgiveness. If he sees you guilt, sorrow and shame, and he is clsoe to and loves you, I bet he does forgive you.

Maybe you could write a note to your brother with a general apology or call him just to apologize. I know I felt very guilty over how I treated my brother once I reached adulthood and apologized several times to him for everything I had ever done. He kind of blew me off but I know it helps to acknowledge the pain I've caused him. I didn't get into specifics but I know he still harbors ill feelings over things (brought up recently how I was never a friend to him growing up).

Anyway therapy will help you, and a general apology may open the door of communication.

we have never mentioned this ever.

I think it's best to seek therapy first, and then at that point discuss ways about if, when and how you would talk to your brother about this.

He may have repressed the memory and might be in denial that it ever happened so if you sent an apology letter out of the blue, it could be a shock to him and could cause a lot of problems.

Don't avoid therapy out of fear of legal action. You will have confidentiality with your counselor, and when the offense occurred, you were a minor yourself.

As I mentioned earlier, my guess is that something bad may have happened to you as a young boy that made you think this was an acceptable way to relate to your brother.

BellaDonna

Everybody makes mistakes when they're young. Some happen to be bigger then others. It sucks that a mistake you made when you were so young has carryed on for so long. I think that you should definatly see a therapist because this sounds like somthing you haven't been able to deal with alone.

Well you were young but it's good that you realize what you did was young. I agree with the posters' suggestion on seeking counseling.

I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused at your math.

You are 45

You said 20 years ago you molested your brother

That means you were 25 when you molested him and not 15

How old was he again?

I suppose regardless of the math, I agree with the others. You need professional therapy for this. You need to figure out just what happened and what caused it. The therapist will know what actions to take as far as talking to your brother about this.

my age is off. i was 15, he was around 10 i guess. this is certain. sorry.

thanks for the advice. i think i will talk to a therpist about this first.

do you think there is any chance my brother has actually forgotten or it didnt really bother him at all? i dont know....

some one else asked me about if i was molested myself before. yes - by my older sister. i dont know whats wrong with my family!!!!!

believe it or not i actually feel a little better about this even writing about it here. its like i needed to get this off my chest.

thanks people for not freaking on me and calling me names and whatever

welcome to enotalone. I was watching 20/20 or dateline, one of those shows on a similar topic. A man was molested when he was around 7 years old, by a childhood friend, around 11. As adults, the molester did wind up apologizing, saying it was a one time fluke, he doesn't know where it came from or why it happened. It was an interesting episode, too bad i don't have the link for you.

Anyways, I agree, talk to a therapist. It sounds like your sister's molestation of you also affected you. So, yeah, maybe it is time to get to the bottom of things and coming here seems like you are trying to take positive directions.

You were a child yourself, confused, so don't be so hard on yourself, just seek out the help you need. good luck to you.

How do you feel about your sister molesting you? Does it still bother you to this day that she did? Your brother 'possibly' and I stress possibly feels the same way towards you as you do to her.

Would it be a relief to have her acknowledge and apologise to you, or do you think that it would stir up bad feelings and bring it all back for you?

Was it a case of bullying in the family at that time, or was a a phase of growing up and exploring your own sexual self? All these things should be covered with a therapist before approaching the subject with your brother or apologising.

Please don't trivialize what you did by saying you did it only three times. I'm sure once was more than enough.

It's amazing that you and your brother are close.

I would strongly suggest you apologize to him for what you've done.

Sibling sex is far more common than most people believe. You need to see a therapist. Talk to them about your own experince with your sister, which led to you and your brother I'm sure. And I can tell you one thing, sooner or later you will have to confront both your sister and your brother. Don't view it with dred, but with hope.

This secret has been living in your heart for a long time. Now that your son is growing up, it has come back with a vengence and is poisoning you. You asked what is wrong with your family? Nothing really, just some bad choices and no lines of communication.

Let me ask, do you hate what your sister did to you? Do you hate your brother for encouraging you that last time? Don't be afraid to answer, these are questions that you have to face and answer sooner or later.

Don't feel guilty about your answers...we aren't your judges, we're your friends and are here to help.

I am glad you feel a little better about getting this out, even though we're all strangers. that means you will definitely benefit from counseling. This is not uncommon, my brother in law molested his sister, a few years earlier, he was molested by his camp counselor. This happens for a reason. Getting counseling will help to lift this weight and will help you to understand.

As to how to approach your brother, I think you should not until you get counseling. Your counselor will help you with that, when and if and how.

Good luck to you.

hmmm... it's also possible something happened to your sister too... these things are often cyclical that way...