Jump to content

Why do long relationships fail?


shep88ner

Recommended Posts

Ive pondered this question for a long time now. it always strikes me as weird when relationships lasting 9-10 years end. Ive been in a relationship now for 1 year. it's not very long in respect of marriages and other relationships, but it has opened my eyes to the topic somewhat. i know that me and my girlfriend were to really break up after only 1 year together, everyone in our social circle would be all over it asking what happened and how it happened. I had a friend break up with his SO after a little over 2 years and it was like you see on TV with everyone wanting all the details and everyone was shocked.

 

I cant imagine a relationship going on for 10x what mine has, then just suddenly failing. When i think of that kind of time frame im thinking more towards marriage and stuff like that.

 

Speaking of marriages, same goes for those. i heard of a couple that had been together for 15+ years, and they got divorced. how could this happen with a relationship that lasts that long?

Link to comment

The divorce rate in America today is about 50%. 70%-90% for those who have special needs children or mental illness. It happens more frequently than you think. My best friend's parents were married for over 20 years but they got divorced after the husband had sex with a prostitute, impregnated her, and gave her a VD. It happens for different reasons. There's a lot of abuse in relationships, a lot of problems with children, and I'm actually quite surprised when relationships do last long term.

Link to comment

I wonder the same thing myself sometimes, and all I can come up with is maybe infidelity, sudden problems that didn't exist before, things of that nature. I also think sometimes marriages that includes kids don't last because once the kids grow up...they realize that's all they had in common after awhile.

Link to comment
Many of them end because the spark just disappears in the relationship. It's like when you get a new toy... at first you can't put it down. You still have interest in it later on, you just don't play with it as much.

 

My girlfriend of 6 years left me... I think that is a big reason. We just lost the spark... I thought she loved me more but I guess not. I hate my life and I want to kill myself.

 

suicide is not the answer. you're young yet and there are plenty more opportunities out there for you. like any break up, it's going to take some time and tears, but you'll get over it and you'll come out of it a stronger person.

 

Link to comment

as for the infidelity, i understand why a break up or divorce would come of that. but the whole, "lose that spark" is what confuses me. If you're going to devote 15-20 years of your life to one person, then suddenly lose your feelings towards them shocks me. i guess i cant just see someone having a family with somone, owning a home, living together, married for 20 years then they decide they'd be better off apart. it is always shocking to me.

Link to comment

People hide a lot from themselves, and alot from others, even those they are closest with. Unfortunately one day you might wake up and realize you've been decieving yourself, you might realize you can't handle dealing with another person's problems any more. You might realize the best thing for both of you is to move on.

 

My parents divorced when I was 8. I don't remember them being together. i love both of them tremendously and can't imagine having a better family, but from what I've learned over the years my father distanced himself from my mother through alcohol night after night after night. When they divorced he stopped drinking and started a part of his life. He started being the father I know. Now I can't imagine my parents being together - they are so different! But somehow they made it 20 years together! Life is just too unpredictable!

 

I hope to God that situation doesn't repeat itself in my life, but I can't know what the future holds, all I can do is live from my heart one moment at a time.

Link to comment

People can grow apart, even if they care about each other and yes, even work at it. My marriage ended after 25 years, and we're still friends.

 

Sometimes the appoach of old age can bring a re-evaluation of life goals, a person can want the rest of their life to take a new course, and sometimes menopause, health issues or children can have a bearing on divorce.

 

Some young people don't realize how they'll feel or think in 20 years and what changes may happen. Over the course of life, we all change.

 

Statistics are often tossed around, but when it's your marriage, it's personal.

Link to comment

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons.

 

My marriage lasted 20 years. I should have and tried to leave years sooner but I was trapped with little kids and no real job skills at the time.

 

He is abusive and alcoholic and he broke my heart.

 

we really had nothing in common either.

Link to comment
maybe we are more willing to try and love someone else and have them love us and never realize the importance of loving ourselves.

 

Keep reading the posts on here, do you not see a pattern???

 

I'm seeing that same pattern. I encourage people to get their own lives in order before finding someone. It's more logical to do it that way.

Link to comment
People can grow apart, even if they care about each other and yes, even work at it. My marriage ended after 25 years, and we're still friends.

 

Sometimes the appoach of old age can bring a re-evaluation of life goals, a person can want the rest of their life to take a new course, and sometimes menopause, health issues or children can have a bearing on divorce.

 

Some young people don't realize how they'll feel or think in 20 years and what changes may happen. Over the course of life, we all change.

 

Statistics are often tossed around, but when it's your marriage, it's personal.

 

Its this that makes me think mabey marriage should have an experation date. You could pick what that was when you married, and then when it was up, you could choose to renew it or not. That way, you would still have a solid commitment, for that time. I bet then the divorce rate would go down. Im kinda kidding, but what do you think?

Link to comment

I think Dako is right, people just grow apart. I know a woman who has been married for 20 years, she tells me she and her husband have completely changed since they got married. for example, he used to be a free-spirited hippie, and now he is a conservative accountant. She said she is lucky that they both evolved together. she said she could have just as easily seen it go the other way, if they turned into different people who didn't get along.

 

The person you are at 18 isn't the person you will be at 28. You'll find new goals and such and you may find your current relationship doesn't fit with your life goals.

Link to comment

People often grow, and change, and marriages and relationships face obstacles and stressors that can affect the relationship together. Many, many people grow apart when they have kids and become parents, rather than partners and forget to keep nourishing that relationship as well. Career changes, illness of one self or a child, can all dramatically affect your relationship together and sometimes it requires more than 100% effort to the partner and relationship.

 

Often what happens is people take the other, and the relationship for granted, or don't communicate their needs properly and become resentful, and it creates a cycle. They let that get in between themselves and it breaks down the commonalities between them. Sometimes the balance of whom puts what in stays too much in favour of one, for too long, not always by intent but it happens.

 

Sometimes even when you have the best intentions, this happens. Commitment is more than remaining monogamous, it is about being committed to the relationship and your partner as a whole. Sometimes when you take the other for granted, or become so wrapped up in your own stresses, you neglect what they need. Because what they need is not always what you *think* they need.

 

 

 

If a couple realizes this is what is going on, they can hopefully commit to repairing and rebuilding, but sometimes there is so much pain and hurt, or resentment, or damage it is difficult to do so, or sometimes one or both just don't see the way back out and feel too far away.

 

Sometimes other issues of cheating/infidelity, trust, that are symptoms of this come up too and it is much harder to turn back from.

 

And of course there are some relationships that are just negative, abuseful, manipulative, that should of ended long ago.

Link to comment

I heard about a survey once that one of the biggest causes of friction in marriage is...

The washing up! (Or maybe housework in general)

Sounds trivial but when you think about it, it could easily lead to arguments in your "traditional" nuclear household (Working husband, Housewife, kids), because since the husband is working to put food on the table, he feels like he shouldn't have to do the housework as well, that that be the wife's "job". But then the wife sees him come home and sit on the couch and watch TV or something - she doesn't understand that this is a break from the stress of the day, but *he* doesn't understand that she has been working as hard as him *and* will work into the night (preparing dinner, washing up afterwards, etc.), so both feel taken for granted, which turns the simple housework into a far more serious issue.

 

Also, I've noticed that while some people don't mind a small bit of a mess, like dirty dishes by the sink or an un-hoovered carpet and so leave it (They'd rather have the mess than do the work of cleaning it), others can't abide it, and so they clean it up (they'd rather do the work than have the mess), but because they are cleaning it up they feel like they are always the ones cleaning it, and so once again feel taken for granted, like they are pulling more than their fair share of the weight.

 

Both are simple differences of opinion where seeing it from the other's point of view and fairly simple compromise could work wonders. Tragic that it's the source of so many avoidable arguments

Link to comment

valiantv, makes total sense to me.

 

My partner and I had some issues more recently because of similar things; since I went back to school, I have been unable to do as much stuff around house as I did before, as my schedule is so erratic and busy (and I am working and training as well). He started feeling taken for granted as was pulling more weight, but did not express it to me so got more and more stressed.....and he thought I did not care or was taking him for granted, and of course I was just too absorbed in being busy and did not see it! He would make comments, but I took them as criticism and was more stubborn. I felt taken for granted as he was pulling away emotionally. But I also did a lot of things while he was not around to clean, etc, but he had different ideas of what needed to be done too (like organizing basement).

 

Anyway, we came up with some solutions (and I made a commitment to do listen more to what he was needing and not be defensive about it because that is how HE feels appreciated). It was funny as we both wanted the same thing, but both had different ways of getting there and thought the other was not having the same goals!

 

And you are right, when you step into the other persons shoe's it makes total sense, but sometimes we forget to do things like that! Anyway, we are working forward from that, but it was certainly a friction that if left would of gotten worse and worse because it would of caused more resentment.

Link to comment
  • 7 years later...

People change and when people change, sometimes the other partner cannot accept this. Sometimes when two people get so comfortable with each other they bring out both the best and worst of each other. But what happens is that, they cannot deal accept the worst, they only want the best. So people separate because they fail to love despite the faults.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...