Where is he when I need him?

I appreciate the feedback that a few of you have made about my posts. I have shown some frustration over the months with NTL primarily because I haven't been clear on her intentions with the posts.

NTL - I am now taking a different approach to your posts. We all think about things that we don't want to discuss with our friends and family. Our inner most thoughts that is. Are you posting those thoughts here? Are your questions rhetorical? In other words, are you looking for a hug and words of enouragement when you are feeling bad?

I honestly don't know what to do with your questions. They simply cannot be answered. But if you here to vent how you are feeling - please tell us that is what you are doing.......and keep it up as long as you need to. But seriously, you need to start helping yourself.

never-too-late....below is your very first post in this thread....dating back to feb 2007

Go back and re-read some of your earlier posts....you will see nothing has changed.

Never too late..here is that first post...from 02-04-2007, 07:01 AM #1 .

Read...see what is going on..and get free now.

You both are young, and although he cares about you, he is one confused guy...partially cause he is young and isn't ready to commit...but also cause he is selfish and has some issues...including narcissistic ones.

And also...read up on commitmentphobia...it will explain his bizarre behaviour.

Again..if yuo are both young, this behaviour is to be expected. ...but if he is already in your late twenties or thirties, then his behaviiour is probably already a set pattern ..happpeneing in his life...and will continue with others after you.

Go to a bookstore..buy Steven Carter's books on Commitmentphobia...will help loads.

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Please help. I am not feeling very well

I have not slept properly for the last 4 or 5 days. I wake up early in the morning worrying about this.

Basically my long-distance boyfriend told me unexpectedly that he wants to take a distance and wants to be less involved. I know he has been extremely unhappy with the fact that I am so far and he has been quite upset about it. Anyway, he told me that something has to change if we should stay together. So we both agreed that within the next 6 months, we both will try our best to move closer to each other. He is coming over to see me next weekend as he has got an interview here.

The thing is I did not expect that he would tell me that he needs distance. I asked him what he means by that. He said that this is the only way he can continue our relationship and deal with the distance. He said he knows it's very hard but I should try to respect it. He said he does not want to communicate over the phone or text messages so much, not so often. I asked him if it means we are broken up, he said it does not. I asked him if there is someone else, he said there is not and if there would be, he would have told me. He also said that he has big problems at work with his boss and he wants to find a new job and stabilise his job situation so he said he needs time for that. He said he is sorry for neglecting me but I need to accept this. He said he is doing this to save us. He said to me to be sure that he still loves me and that his feelings have not changed. But I cannot help feeling worried about it. I asked him to call me 2 days ago, he did. He said that he though he had already explained everything to me. I told him that it worries me and that I don't understand it. I said to him that I worry that he is meeting someone else. He told me that he is not. He got a bit upset that i don't seem to be able to respect his feelings. He said that he does not want to talk about this anymore. He said that he has so much to worry about right now and now he has to worry about me as well. He told me that I only add to his stress with my worries.

He is coming next Saturday but I am not sure if I am strong enough to stay away from my phone? I don't want to ruin things but I am feeling uncomfortable with the way he has pulled away from me? I texted him during the night that I miss him but he is not replying to me.

We have had a few occasions when he has pulled away like this normally if he has stress at work or if he is upset about something. However, this time it feels different as he said to me that he needs this to stand our distance situation? And he added that I should not worry that it's only temporary until our situation changes. But our situation will not change until 6 months later or so..

He also told me that he is upset when he see all of his friends with their girlfriends and he is always alone. He said that I cannot expect him to be the pefect boyfriend, who is waiting for me all the time. He said that he has done this for too long and he cannot make such efforts anymore? This is what worries me the most. That's why I asked him if it means he was interested in someone else.

I don't know what to do. I keep crying. I cannot concentrate. I feel like this is the end but then he said that to me that if I am not happy with it and I want to break up, he will go. so we are still together but I feel like he is not "there" and it makes me feel anxious and sad.

What should I do? I am so upset about this....."

.................................

Never too late....how old are you?

How old is he?

What were both of your former relationships like......

Do either of you see a pattern being repeated in your relationship?

Also..what was your relationship like with your father....were you abandondoned? Emotionally at least?

Never too late.....did some backreading........I see you two have been together 3 years..and 2 of those years have been long distance.

on 01-06-2007, 06:20 AM you wrote this post(below)......and the content of that post shows he is a not ready to settle...yet doesn't want to let you go....all sounds like Commitmentphobic behaviour to me.

Please read the books I mentioned earlier by Carter..will help you see your relationship clearly for what it is.

His commitmentphobia might simply be due to the fact that he cares, but simply is not ready to settle..yet not ready to let you go either(again if you are both in your early 20's, this is typical behaviour).....but nonetheless, his behaviour is NOT fair to you....and YOU are going to have to be the one to decide what is best here for YOU now.

Cause he will string you along as long as you allow it.

Here is your earlier post from 01-06-2007....in fact....go back and re-read ALl your earlier threads.

This strange relationship of confusion has been going on way tooooo long.

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"...He is scared of being closer to me.

I have just returned from a week spent at my boyfriend's place. He has just moved into a new flat, which is tiny. We spent the New Year at his parents place and we celebrated with his friends. We have been in a long-distance relationship for a couple of years, together for 3 years. I told him that I would like to go to his city to learn his language for a couple of months and possibly live with him. He got scared of the idea though and told me that he is not ready to live together. He pulled away and now I am not sure what to do?

.......

He was withdrawn the first 2 days when I talked about moving closer but then later when I told him that he does not have to worry that I will not live with him, he became nice and loving again. I just don't know how to deal with it now. He said he is so used to live alone as we have been in a long-distance for a long time and my idea to live together must have scared him as it is a big step. He said that going from seeing each other once in a month or two to live together scares him? I am not sure if I should talk to him about it agai, but when I tried to talk he became all nervous and strange again. He said he understands I need reassurance but he said I should also understand him that he is trying to be honest and he wants now to focus on his career and he is not ready to settle down. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he says no..."

.......................

This line just JUMPED out at me..and made my skin crawl.

"....He said that going from seeing each other once in a month or two to live together scares him?......."

This guy is a BONAFIDE CLASSIC CP.

A SELFISH Classic CP * * * * * with NAR issues also...who cares ONLY about HIMSELF.

No wonder you are soooooooo confused!!!

READ THOSE BOOKS by Carter!!!

OK....this is a post(below) going waaaaayyyy back to 03-24-2005...meaning......NOTHING has changed with this guy....all of this time Never ,too late!!!!!

And the post below.....shows clearly..he is a bonafide comitmentphobe/Nar...who will string you along forever..IF yuo do NOT get out and OFF of this roller coater ride!!

.....................................

"He said it's a break.. is still coming to see me tomorrow! "

Hello everyone,

i have read some of the posts here and it's inspiring how you all are trying to help each other! It also seems that a lot of you are experiencing a similar situation as me! I am new here and I was wondering if you could give me some good advice on my heartbreaking situation??!! I would greatly appreciate it since I am not really sure what to do myself! I am kind of desparate for an advice!

Well, about two weeks ago my b/f then broke up with me. Our one year and 2 months long relationship became long-distance for the past 6 months. It has not been easy because of the distance but we made efforts to see each other. But it always felt like I was planning ahead our visits and I was prepared to go and see him often...He has just started his new proper job so he was a little bit more careful about planning our visitis. We had quite a lot of arguments because of that. Despite that we both expressed our love for each other and I thought we could overcome the distance and I thought our love was strong enough to wait for each other.

Well, about a month ago he has been distancing a lot because of the difficulties we were facing and he was saying he was loosing his motivation for the relationship.. He has withdrawn quite a lot so of course I started to worry and as much as I tried to give him space I was missing him too much and I became quite needy of him! I was missing his love but he changed! He wasn't he same! I decided to go and see him because I thought maybe he needs to see me in person to be able to get the relationship back where it was!! But it actually made things worse! That weekend he was trying to be nice and caring but he was somewhat closed to me.. he said that way he didn't have to miss me so much and we wouldn't be so affected with each other and we would fight less and he would hurt less. But for me it was hard to cope with his emotional distance! So that weekend the problem escalated because I kept asking him if he is ever going to be close to me again and if he is always going to be distant like this... he was quite annoyed with my questions and he kept saying it's the way I am.. but I said to him but you used to be different.. he said now it's different! We got into an argument and he broke up with me! He said he was sick of the fights and with the way the relationship was going.. he said we don't see each other often and even if we do, we fight! There is no point in continuing!

I was gutted that night i didn't sleep, i didn't eat, he slept in a different room! I was crushed! It was as if he hated me! He said he wants to run away from everything.. to breathe.. to be free! He said he felt as if he was in a cage! I guess I suffocated him! without realising!

The next day he came to me and he was trying to talk to me.. but I was too hurt! I was crying! I was speechless! He was trying to make me feel better but I was too hurt to say anything or to do anything! I asked him if we could lie down. He was hesitating at first but then we did and he hugged me so strongly and he said he was sorry but he said that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship... he said that he is not happy with his own life so he can't give m what I deserve and he said that he wants to be free and to see what else is out there.. he said he hasn't been happy about us for a while! he said he doesn't want to say it's a final break up and that he is sad as much as I am.. we then agreed that it's going to be a break.

But is there a difference between a break and a final break up? He is actually coming to visit me tomorrow in my place! He is going to spend the easter break with me. I am not sure what to expect and whether to expect anything! I am not sure how to behave with him! I have this last hope that he could change his mind this weekend? Please help! Do you think there is anything I should do or I shouldn't do this weekend that could bring him back to me? I haven't been contacting him since the break. He has initiated contact a few times and yesterday he emailed me asking me about our plans for this weekend.. a friend of mine told me that he is probably coming here as a good friend but i can't be his friend! I love him and it's been only 2 weeks since the break. What do you all think about this? ..."

...................

Seee...if all this nonsense had been going on a few months, I would have said that it is just 2 people going thru the normal back and forth woes of a breakup....normal stuff for two people drifting apart...who care but where one or both aren't ready for commitment....BUT.... to see this crazy tumultous ride going on since march of 2005, if not earlier...only confirms..that you two are not in just a normal breakup.......but are BOTH caught up in a VERY UNHEALTHY CP/NAR relationship.

BOTH of you are equally caught up in this drama for some reason.

Have you sought counselling, Never too late ?

Spoken with care and concern....please know this...cause we all have issues of one kind or another...meaning we ALL could use counselling.

Never too late.......Here is Carter's website..on Cp relationships.

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in_expert=relationships

Never too late......in a Nutshell......

a commitmentphobe is someone who can never commit to you....but ALSO can never let you go either...hence the MASS confusion created for anyone involved with this type of person.

NOW....young people go thru this stufff too.....al the time....but usually overcome this problem as they grow and mature...but not so with a bonafide CP.

YOUR guy sounds like a bonafide case..cause of the length of the time of his madness....anyone who drags you thrui this confused madness for almost 3 years...is a person with serious commitment issues....that you cannot help him with..in fact..he most likely will never let you go.yet never commit to you..and IF you stay, you could be with him for another painful 2 0r 3 years..while he slowly but surely phases you out of his life..more and more..yet will still thow you crumbs....because of his inability to let you go....even though he knows he can't ever commit to you either.

He may eventually even have someone else on the side..if not two or 3 others, on the side.

Don't believe me?

Start doing your homework..and get yourself help..and get free of this madness.Please.

Cause..this is NOT normal commitmentphobia..of just a guy not ready to commit..this is a guy with SERIOUS issues, in regards to having the ability to have a real relationship with you...or anyone.

Serious damage must have been done in his childhood.

Get yourself free now..read up on this subject..learn and grow now..and move on.

Hope this all helps....wishing you the best now, Never too late.

I saw where the Carter website did not show up before...here it is again, along with a few other links also , on his website.

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"Where is he when I need Him ?...."

That has been the THEME of your thread alll along....and the question /answer series below...from Carter's website...will help you gain understanding to that question.

...............................................

Q: I have been in an off and on relationship with a cp for more than a year. I had surgery this past week. He literally disappeared again during such a difficult time. No phone call on the day (monday). I had to call him the next day. He apologized and called me in thursday. I have not returned his call and am doing the no contact thing. Very difficult. What is the fear that my surgery struck in him? was it the fact that I "needed" something from him?

A: You became too "real" -- too many human needs. CP's need fantasy. Having needs doesn't fit into that fantasy.

............................

Never too late...like in that example above....something tells me that yuor guy has not been there for you...either..in crisis.or even in little things....for a long long time..in any way...period. ...Right?

And if so...that is a clear sign, you are definiteley with a guy with severe commitment issues..and need to let him go.for your sanity's sake.

Please heed this advice.

Again...hoping all this helps.

Take care now.

Never too late..... a question.......

Does he ever say he loves you?

From what I read from all your threads...this guy is not serious about you one bit.

He is a Nar.... a player ....and yes a comitmentphobe...but you are also a codependent and a woman with esteem issues,and that is why yuo put up with his crap so long.

Maybe your background taught you that his behaviour towards you was ok.

Well..it is not....cause

your having normal needs does not make you needy ,but an abuser will make you feel like you are needy...just for asking a simple question...and having normal needs in a relationship.

That is what he does to you...all the time..make you feel like you are too needy....for wanting a normal relationship with him..and for wanting normal needs met...like spending more quality time with you...besides once a month!!!

Never to late...if you try to move on , he gets verbally abusive...right?

And only wants you when you finally do move on....right?

Honey...get out of this non-relationship,please...cause this is NOT a relationship.

Please listen...get out.....and find real love. This man does not love you.

At all.

He uses you...at his convenience..that is all.

Move on...

I am gonna pray you will be ok ...and heal quickly....cause you deserve better than this selfish mentally abusive guy.

Please loose this guy and move on....and find a man who can love you for real.

I very much agree with your perspective Newday. I suspect that NTL may also have a commitment problem. She has stated in previous posts that she has displayed his behavior in the past. Additionally, committment phobics are commonly not only incapable of making a commitment to a relationship but neither can they commit fully to the ending of a relationship. It is classic for the personality to leave things hanging - never making a decision.

Another indication is the fact that she is seeking a partner who is not fully invested in a relationship. I suspect that she may no longer be interested if he suddenly became 100% available to her. The extent to which she tolerates his indifference tells me this is true.

I think another aspect for NTL to consider are her co-dependent tendencies. She puts his needs in front of her well being and, in the vicious cycle, gets upset with him for not behaving in a way that she wants and needs. While this guy is not innocent in this - NTL appears to be the main actor in this production.

I have yet to see that NTL wants to work on things within herself. I hope that somehow - someone gets through to her. She has been given loads of positive feedback and there are obvious many people here who are concerned.

Never too late...you wrote and I quote....

>>>

Never too late.....if you read the books by Carter(listed on his website I shared in earlier post), you will find your story on every page.

And a light will click on.....cause you willl see your own story on the pages...and finally understand what happened to you in this relationship.

And Carter also shares in his books, what part YOU played in this drama of a relationship also....and why.

Hope this all helps towards your healing now.....Praying the Best here.

Never Too Late.......

I just saw where you wrote a few months ago, where he is 26 and you are 28.

So that means you met him when he was maybe 22 or 23 years old.

So that now explains a lot..and throws a whole different light upon this situation...but still does not excuse his -jerking -you -around- for- so -long and- throwing -you- crumbs- behaviour.

But wanna know why he did this?

Cause you kept calling when he siad not to... you would not let go either...even after he said he wanted more distance....and that made it easy for him...you were game.

ALL typical behaviour for some younger immature guys, hate to say.

He is simply not ready to settle AND he has been telling you this all along but you would not let go... you kept hanging on.

So thereforeeee, the back and forth stuff on his part is normal for his age......however ,this doesn't excuse his being a jerk , nor your allowing it.

Never go by what a guy just SAYS...go by his ACTIONS!!!!

in the end.. you dont need anyone. The only thing you NEED is to love yourself and get your own self worth.

No one can make you happy only YOU can.

Pain is inevitable in life. However suffering is a choice.

You cannot force someone to love you or feel for you. The best that you can do is do NC and work on yourself. Once you let go of that emotion the negativity that circles you, then you will see things open up.

OK.....Never Too late...one more time...going to share a past post here (see below(that you wrote....all the way back from May......take a look at what he IS saying ...in fact what he IS saying in that post, he HAS been saying to you....for a lonnnnnnnnnnng time now....in fact ALLL ALONG...ever since 2005.

This guy is a JERK...a NAR...a USER...a LOSER!!!

When you try to move on ,cause he tells you he wants distance,and is not ready for a relationship. he will try to STOP you when yuo DO move on.......and verbally abuse you for doing so.....but will STILL DISTANCE himself from you, and see you once a month(only cause you request it)...see...he wants to keep you waiting in the wings....while he finds better...but he needs you to fall back on...just in case......nothing more. He does NOT love yuo...he is using yuo for NAR SUPPLY.

You are NAR supply to him...nothing more... ...that is what most LOSERS are...most are NARS!!!

But you allowed this, cause yuo must be used to this behaviour...and have been brainwashed into thinking this is love...well..it ain't.His actions are what you call EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!

But in truth, whether we call him a Nar, a Loser a Jerk.....they are all one and the same..point is... ..he is selfish..it's al about him him him....and again...you are allowing this because of your own codependent issues...and other abandonment issues..and feelings of low self worth....that you need healing from.

Read about LOSERS..JERKS...google "how to tell I am dating a Loser".

Most Nars and Commitmentphobe fit under that category also...called LOSER!!.

This will be my last post...hope all this will help you now to PLEASE ....move on from this messed up mess of a relationship.

..............

On 05-19-2007you wrote...

"....so I have just gone through a very difficult week. He was calling me, texting me telling me he is scared of the future, he is so scared of loosing me and he is missing me too much and if I went on a date with another guy, I could forget him.

Anyway, he actually told me to meet up. I said to him that I would only meet him if it means to discuss everything, to talk about everything, to try to find a solution to our problems so we can be happy. But he did not agree. He said that I am talking as if we are not broken up. I could not believe it when he said that. He was calling me telling me not to close the door completely in case he changes his mind in the future and then he said that. I asked him what is his intention to meet. He said that is to see if can be good together, if we can have a nice time. I asked him what would happen then. He said that we could meet sometimes and then see. I said to him that I cannot accept that. I don't want to have a "sometimes" relationship where I have absolutely no idea where we stand. I told him that I would want to sort things out if we were to meet.

He said I put too much pressure on him, he said I don't accept his doubts and I don't give him the time he needs to decide if we can be together???

He said that it's upsetting how I always want everything to be black and white. I was so upset. I mean don't I deserver to know if the guy I am with wants to be with me or not?

So I told him yesterday that I would only come if we can talk about everything and he said that it is too much pressure for him and he said that he knows I would only want to meet him if it means we would try to work things out but for him it's too fast. He said that he needs more time and he is sad I don't want to give it to him. He said his doubts won't leave him so easily so in the end he said that he prefers to stay alone for a while to see what he wants. He said that maybe I won't be available for him later but he must take this risk. He said he cannot be with me with these doubts and with the pressure I put on him. He said i'ts a shame how impatient I am?! I asked him if that means that we are completely over then or what is actually in the end the answer.

He said:

Again you don't understand me. I need time to answer this question. I think I prefer to stay alone for a while to see what I want.

I said to him that it hurt me how he first broke up with me and when I wanted to move on last week to forget the pain and everything, he was telling him how I am killing him by not talking to him and I let him talk to me and now he is again telling him how he prefers being alone.

I feel so upset, hurt and confused! He has made me feel so guilty and bad about everything. I mean I tried so hard to move on and now I feel like I am back to square one. When I tried to protect my heart and my feelings, he has made me feel so bad about it, and now it looks like he has decided that he would rather be alone than with me as I put too much pressure on him..."

Never too Late?

See how he says he needs more time...in that post from may 2007?

At the point in that post, you two were already together since before 2005...and he STILL STILL STILL says he needs more time ..to see if he wants to be in a relationship with you???????

See...YOU need to get healthy, Dear....so you will never put up with this kind of behaviour from a guy...everr again.

Cause honey..this is NOT how love is...not at all .

Spoken in love...cause it is time to put this mess behind you NOW..for YOUR sake!!

PLEASEEEEEEEEEE LOSE THIS NAR!!!

Never Too Late?

The reason I posted so much on your thread is.. I sincerely care ....cause I have seen some one else in the same boat as you...and am concerned..that you get OUT of this mess....and get help.

Please again...know this is spoken with sincere concern and care.. Cut off all contact routes to and from this guy.

This is important, cause he will continue to CONTACT yuo eventually again....and give you MIXED CONFUSED SIGNALS, and he will even escalate into worse verbal abuse against you.

I have seen this same mess before ,happen with another person , that I counselled with.

Please get out of this messed up relationship....can't say this enough.

Read up on Narcissistic behaviour. Please listen..get rid of this guy who will only want you when yuo don't want him..and will string you along for ever .This is a seriously immature messed up abusive guy, no matter what his age...young or not.

He is POISON for you...please one last time..listen...get free...get OUT of this relationship..once and for all......and get help to get you thru this healing time.

I wil be Praying here for yuo to get healed.