Where is he when I need him?

Please help. I am not feeling very well

I have not slept properly for the last 4 or 5 days. I wake up early in the morning worrying about this.

Basically my long-distance boyfriend told me unexpectedly that he wants to take a distance and wants to be less involved. I know he has been extremely unhappy with the fact that I am so far and he has been quite upset about it. Anyway, he told me that something has to change if we should stay together. So we both agreed that within the next 6 months, we both will try our best to move closer to each other. He is coming over to see me next weekend as he has got an interview here.

The thing is I did not expect that he would tell me that he needs distance. I asked him what he means by that. He said that this is the only way he can continue our relationship and deal with the distance. He said he knows it's very hard but I should try to respect it. He said he does not want to communicate over the phone or text messages so much, not so often. I asked him if it means we are broken up, he said it does not. I asked him if there is someone else, he said there is not and if there would be, he would have told me. He also said that he has big problems at work with his boss and he wants to find a new job and stabilise his job situation so he said he needs time for that. He said he is sorry for neglecting me but I need to accept this. He said he is doing this to save us. He said to me to be sure that he still loves me and that his feelings have not changed. But I cannot help feeling worried about it. I asked him to call me 2 days ago, he did. He said that he though he had already explained everything to me. I told him that it worries me and that I don't understand it. I said to him that I worry that he is meeting someone else. He told me that he is not. He got a bit upset that i don't seem to be able to respect his feelings. He said that he does not want to talk about this anymore. He said that he has so much to worry about right now and now he has to worry about me as well. He told me that I only add to his stress with my worries.

He is coming next Saturday but I am not sure if I am strong enough to stay away from my phone? I don't want to ruin things but I am feeling uncomfortable with the way he has pulled away from me? I texted him during the night that I miss him but he is not replying to me.

We have had a few occasions when he has pulled away like this normally if he has stress at work or if he is upset about something. However, this time it feels different as he said to me that he needs this to stand our distance situation? And he added that I should not worry that it's only temporary until our situation changes. But our situation will not change until 6 months later or so..

He also told me that he is upset when he see all of his friends with their girlfriends and he is always alone. He said that I cannot expect him to be the pefect boyfriend, who is waiting for me all the time. He said that he has done this for too long and he cannot make such efforts anymore? This is what worries me the most. That's why I asked him if it means he was interested in someone else.

I don't know what to do. I keep crying. I cannot concentrate. I feel like this is the end but then he said that to me that if I am not happy with it and I want to break up, he will go. so we are still together but I feel like he is not "there" and it makes me feel anxious and sad.

What should I do? I am so upset about this.

if he leaves u, ur life will move on !! A guy who really wants to be with you never ever say this thing that he gets upset when he sees others friends with their gfs. DO U REALLY NEED GUY like UR BF or SOMEONE WHO TREATS U WITH RESPECT!!

Hey,

It sounds as though he is considering his options - perhaps he genuinely just has other things on his mind, or perhaps he likes somebody and is interested in making a move. It's much much easier to make a move when you're going out with someone, because you have someone to fall back on.

I think you need to develop your own support network without him - friends that will help you whatever happens. Not much too much stress on to this relationship, if it's right it'll last, but don't devote your own precious time in case it does fail, you don't want to feel like you've lost everything. Even if he is stressed, he needs to work with you and not just cut you off when stress gets to him. Only because it's a long-distance relationship that he has the 'opportunity' to do that - doesn't mean he should use it.

What he meant that when he sees his friends with their girlfriends, it makes him feel lonely and sad that I am far away from him.

To be honest with you, I can understand him because I dont feel well either when I see couples around me and I cannot see him at that moment.

It's not about him not respecting me, I think he is just finding it too hard that he only sees me once a month.

that's why he said we need to change our situation..

The only cure to that is moving closer. I know that you guys are trying. Try to call each other more often and stuff like that.

But why does he want to distance himself? He is not communicating to me now.. He is silent. I am feeling so sad about this, I am afraid to call him just in case I only aggravate him again..

Give him space - the outcome is, ultimately, up to him. If he no longer wants to be with you, there's nothing you can do to help. If that is the case, you just have to be prepared. If he does want you, and this is just a mechanism to allow him to work things out himself, contacting him will only detract from what he's trying to do. A lose-lose situation. Given time, he'll come around. Either way, you should always have some kind of a support network in case the worse happened, but it sounds like he just needs space to get his things in order.

I will try my best to give him the time he wants. However, he said it's temporarily until the situation changes. We are talking about 6 months later.. June is the month that we agreed will be the time I could move closer to him.. as we cannot do it earlier.

So does it mean he wants to be distance until then?

If that's honestly his choice (although it perhaps more sounds like "until my things are sorted" (work, other stresses, etc) then the only thing you can do is respect that. Try and go against it and you'll argue and ultimately drive each other away.

If you can't wait that long, then don't - tell him that you need something more sooner. If he can't accommodate that, then it's not worth it for you anyway. Conversely, you should be able to respect his choices also - and wait however long he needs. If he's worth it, and you think he feels the same, then hold in there and you'll be in a better place.

And don't forget to keep your eyes open for 'opportunities' if you do have to wait. Don't want to miss something amazing waiting for someone who doesn't provide what you need when you need it.

It sounds like he wants to split but not be the one to do it. Hes pushing you away yet telling you he wants to be with you? I can see how youde be confused. I don't think it's fair that he does this to you. Hes getting to do what ever he wants, not calling, not seeing you often, but he has the security of knowing your still there. What about your needs? I think if he wants his space, you should give it too him and more. Don't wait around to see what he's going to do next. You need to have more self respect than that. Let him do his thing and in the mean-time try to keep yourself busy with friends, family, hobbies, whatever you can. If he decides to move down and expresses that he really wants to be with you, than you can decide if its worth it. But really, do you want to be with someone who has to go into hiding whenever they are stressed or having a hard time at work? I think if anything, your partner should be able to be there for support. You should want to be around them because they make you feel good. They make you happy, not stress you out even more. But I do understand that sometimes if people are too needy, than it can be a bit much when dealing with other issues.

I think he's trying to dump you and taking the coward's way out. Sorry, but this is a really horrible way to do it. I mean, not answering your texts etc? That's pretty unkind.

I don't get what he's saying either. The distance thing is hard, but asking for more distance - that to me sounds like breaking up, but hanging on by a little bit until he's ready to make that jump.

LD relationships DO work, but they take time, commitment and communication, not this kind of behaviour. To be honest, I would talk to him honestly when he's there next weekend, but it doesn't sound good to me. But I don't know how you guys normally work - think about what YOU want, and how you want to be. This doesn't sound at all great for you.

But why would he say such things like I am trying to save us or we are still talking about the fact that we would move closer together?

Never-too-late, did you decide what you want to do?

Are you going to continue to try to make this work, or are you going to leave it to chance?

I don't know what you are confused about. He's not happy. 6 months to be together, he has been rather clear from reading your other posts, is not soon enough.

I believe you will lose him if you don't step up now. Maybe that would be for the best, in the long run, but only you can really decide that.

Have yall been in long distance during your entire relationship? Has there been any period of time where you were together and lived in the same area? Taken part in each other's lives in a hands-on, day to day basis?

WOW.....from all you've said he's being rather selfish. I mean doesn;t he realize this is about TWO people? Not just HIM? If the distance is hard....isn't NOT talking going to make it harder??? I think it's a cop out.

Personally at this point I would say something like.."I have been thinking about what you said, and maybe it's best if we just call this thing off, because I can't deal with not only the stress of the distance, but your insensitivity to how I feel right now".

In other words..I would do it to him before he can do it to you...and on YOUR terms..not his.

I appreciate your replies. Well, I guess I will not do anything now until I see him next Saturday.

Itsallgrand what do you mean to step up now? I know he is not happy but does this mean that we are broken up now until I move closer? He never says in his texts, it's over or we should just not continue but his actions right now are somehow telling me that it's over and he might not want to tell me?

I am prepared to move closer to him but he told me that at first he needs to stabilise his job situation. We need to know if he gets a job in my country if I should move to the same city or if he does not get a job in my coutnry, if I should move to his country. That's why we cannot do anything now about moving closer.

However, I still cannot make sense out of the fact that we have this target and we have waited for each other for so long, we have made the efforts to see each other once a month or so and now he has completely distanced himself? He is not even now replying to my text messages?

and I am so worried to call him just in case I ruin it completely. but I feel like this is too much confusing for me? You see what is not clear to me how am I supposed to be with him now? Are we still a couple now or are we not a couple now? I mean I am used to a certain way of being with him, calling him certain love names and now I don't even know what are we? He told me that he wants to be less involved but he would not say we are broken up?

This sounds complex, never too late. How long has you two been together and planning this grand merging of lives?

You have mentioned he is in another country from you, and you are learning a new language - is there a language and cultural divide here too?

By 'step up' I meant make a decision one way or another.

I can tell how distressing this is to you. Here is the man you love, who you have spent long hard times to be with, and the time is drawing near where you can finally be together....and he is 'checking out' at that crucial moment.

It could be that he is freaking out, now that reality is setting in "Oh my god, we are really going to do this."

It could be his life stresses, and the stress of being away from you is finally just getting to him too much and he can't handle it.

Whatever it is, He Has Checked Out. So, as rough as it is, it is up to you to make some calls now.

I agree with Hope, Lady Bugg, and some others about his behavior now not being fair to you.

It is no wonder you are distressed, the people here really feel for you, me too.

But, I also know that life and love is complicated, and this is a big decision.

You will see him this weekend. I would wait to see where he is at, and try to spend this week coming up finding ways to clear your head. Anything that does not have to do with the bf and worrying about this.

take care. You will be ok and get through this.

First - I am sorry that you are going through this. For whatever reason, your BF is very self-absorbed right now. One question in my mind is if this is truly about getting his personal life sorted out where work, etc. is concerned - then why throw in the comment about being envious of his friends hanging out with the GF's all the time? That comment leads me to believe that he wants more regular physical contact with someone - not just space to work on his career. I am not suggesting that he has anyone in mind - that longing could be for you! But it seems to be a factor in his though process right now.

I know that you want to respect his requests for space right now. But you need to respect yourself too - first and foremost. You are not coping well with his behavior. I think most people would raise the same questions that you have. The bottom line is why do you want to be with someone who leaves you to feel this way and doesn't want to communicate so that you are more comfortable with the situation?

On the otherhand, do you think that you could possibly be overreacting to his request? Are your conversations typically light and fun with the occasional discussion of the relationship or are they heavy, draining, relationship discussions?

If I were you I would lighten up. You can't change what he wants right now and really don't know the real reasons why he has asked for space. You have to choose whether you believe him or not. Go out with your friends, get on with your life and see what happens. I know that it isn't easy to do. But only you control your emotions. Don't give him this power. You should seriously be considering whether or not you want to be with someone who withdraws from you both physically and emotionally when he is under pressure. Life is full of difficulties, pain, suffering, and stress. What will he do when a significant life event occurs?

Good luck and try to be strong......do something nice for yourself - get a manicure or massage......you will feel better.

He has checked out meaning he has broken up?

Well, I live in UK. He on the continent. one hour away from each other on plane.

We both communicate in English, both pretty fluent. However, we both agreed that I would learn his language in his country if I was going to move there.. so that's why I am worrying about this. He knows that I am taking private lessons so I can prepare myself for moving but now he is distancing himself He still says that he wants to wait for me and he wants us to give it a try closer to each other.

On one hand it does not feel like a break up or like a break but at the same time, I honestly did not expect this sudden change. I knew he was extremely unhappy with his job situation and the distance situation but I did not expect that he would pull away to such extreme.. ?

I just don't understand why is now silent? He is still coming next Saturday.

i am sorry but the reality is that none of us here can answer that question for you. you sound like you are in alot of pain. do you have friends or family who can give you some emotional support right now? someone who knows him and your situation who might be able to provide more insight?

if not, i think you need to talk with him. you are not coping well with this situation. my guess is that he knows that you are hurting this way. it seems like he is not able to be there for you. aren't you angry about that?

I became too weak and I called him. He answered. He was fine at the beginning. I asked him if he got my text last night. He said yes he did. I asked him why hasn't he responded? He said that he is sorry if he did not and if it's the reason why I am calling him to reproach him for that? I said no. I said to him that I wanted to hear him and wanted to ask him about his weekend. He said he had an ok weekend and he did nothing much. He asked about mine. I said mine was ok too. I then told him that it's just really unsual that he did not respond to me. He said that he regrets ever expressing himself to me and his feelings to me. He said he asked for some time alone to concentrate on his issues and I am now panicking. He said that I can't even respect to leave alone for a couple of days and I keep checking him and testing him. He said he needs to apply for new jobs so to respect it. He said he is too stressed. He said that he will not explain it to me once more time again. He then said that I obviously did not listen to him and I only understand and hear what I want to hear. He said to leave him alone.

I think it is clear that he really needs the space then sweetie; and calling him about it is not going to get you the answers you hope and want, or be well received. I am sorry; it sounds like he is under a lot of stress; maybe not all related to the relationship but he feels that he needs to get away from it for a bit and is definitely turning some of the stress against the relationship.

It is imperative you give him some time as asked for, since you are seeing him soon anyway, and when he comes hopefully he will be ready to discuss things with you. Of course you cannot wait indefinitely, but give him a few days and respect his need to be alone for a bit, it is only a few days until he comes, right?

When he comes for the weekend, THEN you need to decide what the next 6 months hold together and whether you should be preparing to move there or not anymore. If he seems wishy washy or cannot give you an answer, I think then it is pretty clear he may be trying to get out of the relationship. If he does seem to have a plan and just needed time to sort things out, then you need to sort them out together.

Thank you RayKay. I appreciate your answer.

I just don't seem to be handling well the fact that he has become so cold and distant. I know he gets like this when he is not feeling well about something. He is a very ambitious guy but at the same time he is pretty sensitive. I know he has been pretty upset about his boss at work. He has been working pretty hard on a project but did not get along well with his boss. In the end when he was hoping to get promoted, which in this kind of business, it's the only way to climb up, his boss did not support his promotion so he has been quite upset about this. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he and this boss of his had a fight. And since this time, he has been distant, irritable, cold and so on..

So now he is trying to apply for a new job.

The thing is I would not have such a problem if he needed time and space for this. However, he has been negative about our relationship and how he is upset as I am not close enough to him. And that's why I keep worrying.

A good friend of mine told me to try to be patient and not to take his frustruations too personally. He says to me that my boyfriend is not feeling well about himself right now because of what happened at work and so he is taking it on me even if he does not want to. He said that for a man, it's hard when his career does not go well. And I know my boyfriend has worked really hard during his studies to get himself high and now it's all really bad.

But I just got worried when he was telling me that I am too far and he wants to be less involved. I guess this is what triggered my worries as he has never mentioned anything like this before? And now I feel like he is shutting me out. He says he is doing this for us but I am interpreting it in a completely different way, in the worst possible way unfortunately.

Your good friend is right. Sometimes people tend to qualify their own worthiness by their careers, and stress there can affect other things. My boyfriend too has had similar troubles with his job last year due to a lot of political bs going on there, and him not getting raise he deserved. It caused him a lot of stress for a few months; until he did get his raise a couple weeks ago. He may be taking it out on you as he felt he needed you there living near during all this and is resentful you weren't; who knows but the brain can think some odd things when we are under stress!

Maybe he is rethinking the entire relationship; I cannot say for sure. This happens too when you feel unhappy with where you are in life. Do whatever you can this week to divert yourself from calling him; give him his space and when he does come to town, remain calm and supportive of his decision and space, but also make sure he knows you cannot live in limbo either and want to know whether you should continue preparing to move their in 6 months or not.

i agree with raykay. i think that your friend has given you good advice. you both are absorbed with your individual stressors right now and that makes it difficult to support the other. for that reason, it is best that you take a step back, do some nice things for yourself and give the two of you time to breath through this period. the more you cling to him the more you will drive him away. likewise, the more space he puts between you, the more he will drive you away. the two of you deal with difficult situations very differently. you either will learn to understand one another in those differences or work against the grain and make matters worse - at the very time you need compassion.

at this stage in life it is not unusual for a man to put his career first. society expects more from men than women on that level. it sounds like he has given you no other reason to doubt him. with that in mind, if you really care for him, give him the space he needs. you still may not end up with a longterm relationship - but maybe you will. try hard not to make this about you - that is what he is reacting to.....it probably really ticks him off.......he needs your support not an emotional wreck looking for attention. (sorry to be harsh)

if after a reasonable amount of time has passed and you don't see things changing in him - then you need to decide what is best for you. but give him a chance to sort through this.