wife not 'in' love with me anymore

Hi All,

I've been lurking on this forum for the last 3 weeks and learning alot each day. You are all starting to become my new circle of friends

On christmas eve after coming back from a friends place. I noticed a saddness in my wife eyes..actually last few days just withdrawn...I finally had strength to ask her what's wrong...She says she doesn't love me anymore

As you can imagine how shocked, confused and hurt I was. She say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore.

We've been together for 10 years (8years marriage) She's 29 and I'm 34 no kids. We were each other's real first love.

I got her to stay with me during the xmas hollidays and after that she moved in with her parents house. She says needs time away to miss me. Anyways a week after the xmas break she was still living with me and then the friday she called me at work and said she can't bear to see me cry and so she is leaving before I come back from work....I had hope she would stay but she didn't I was so crushed...She says she wants atleast a 30 day seperation..

It's now been 3 weeks since she left...I've broken down with NC and called here and there....she never once called me to say hi without me calling her.....I saw her this weekend for coffee due to me asking her. I just told her I wanted to say a proper goodbye...so I have closure....we talked we cried..we hugged...we kissed....

But she told me now she needs another 60 days since I was calling her and saw her Sat night.....she says she's doing this for 'us'....she tells me I have so much turned into the 'perfect' husband in the last few years...when I was younger I was not into the marriage....something happened to me the last few years...it was like a spirtual awakening...I realized I'm so blessed...since that day I've done a 180 in my personlity and how I deal with things....but during a few years ago she says she just lost love for me as a husband...but loves like her best friend...she want's to love me how I love her....I keep telling her sex is not the only thing in the relationship...but she won't listen

One of the big issues in our realtionship is the distance in our marriange...my wife is a flight attendant always on the go and her friends are mostly single and divorced....but she comes from a really orthodox religious family so that grounds her to a degree.....but the one contention over the years was she gone alot and I missed her....and that she spent alot of time with her girlfirends....she was 20 when she got marriend...I was 24...she feels she missed out and never had a chance to live her own life.

I've started NC as of Sunday morning. I'm back at the gym, eating right and praying each day. I just wonder if I should just let her go or still have hope that she will come back and miss me? I know she isn't cheating on me her dad calls me regularly to check on me..all our family and friends are in shock saying we are the perfect couple.....her dad says she's in a depressed state too...

Sanj

First welcome to enotalone, glad you topped lurking, stick around.

Second, realize that there may be soemthing very telling in what you wrote about how as you have supposedly become "the perfect husband", she fallen out of love with you. How can that be? How can it be that as you have gotten better as a husband, she has fallen out of love with you? Well, perhaps as you became a better husband you lost one of the things that sexually attracted your wife. So now you are her best friend, but she does not want you physically. Does that possibly make sense?

her friends are mostly single and divorced........and that she spent alot of time with her girlfirends....she feels she missed out and never had a chance to live her own life.

Welcome, and sorry to hear about what is happening here.

From what you are telling us, she is doing a lot of double-talking here. What I mean is she is saying one thing, but meaning another.

She says she isn't in love anymore, but look at what you have posted above. That is her real reason. It is just easier for her to distance herself from a marriage by saying she isn't in love anymore, vs. "I want to go party with my single friends because I didn't get a chance to".

To be brutally honest with you, you have no idea of whether she is cheating on you or not.

I would continue to do what you have been doing, and don't contact her.

I guess I'm trying to understand....do you think distance apart will make her love come back for me? I don't think it will....I think couples thearpy might get us through this...

Couple's therapy is always an option, but if she has made up her mind about the separation then it won't change things. If she wanted to make things work, she would have suggested therapy and not separating.

The distance won't do much except give her the space she needs to be selfish. She is more worried about the time she lost by marrying young than about your life together. And as someone else put it, you really don't know that she isn't cheating.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds hauntingly familiar to me.

She says needs time away to miss me.

If you are positive that there is no one else involved, I think you should give her exactly what she asks for.

I'm not saying it's easy and it DOES goes against every 'fighting' instinct that a person has, so try to be strong here and leave her be TO miss you.

The grass certainly ISN'T greener on the other side and she should have some time to work that out for herself, by herself.

Good Luck.

I guess I'm trying to understand....do you think distance apart will make her love come back for me? I don't think it will....I think couples thearpy might get us through this...

I don't think it will either, however that is up to her.

I think couples therapy would be worth a shot. I certainly believe that to be a viable option. Have you tried bringing it up with her?

I feel for you. I am just finishing exactly what you are starting. I was married 9 yrs and have 2 beautiful children from the relationship. However, I was on my own for 7 yrs prior to the marriage, but she was still living with her parents.

After 2 yrs of a deteriorating relationship, I came downstairs one day and confronted her. I asked her why she was so distant. She declared that she did not love me anymore and that she was "tired". She had stopped wearing her wedding ring many months prior, claiming it did not fit her hand anymore. Said she was not interested in in counciling. She wanted a divorce.

I went to counciling and she soon joined me. After a month, she declared (on our anniversary) that she was moving out to "work on our marriage". Two days after Christmas, she announced that she filed divorce proceedings. Basically, about 2 1/2 years ago, she checked out of the marriage.

My opinion is that once they are brave enough to declare they are not in love anymore, it is too late. If she moves out, the relationship is doomed-- you can not work on a marriage when you are apart. My marriage ended on 11/3, the day she moved out.

My opinion is that your wife is interested in, but has not yet pursued, someone else or is excited about the idea of playing the field. If she was with them already, she would have left you very quickly w/o looking back. However, she is probably bored w/ married life, is missing something from the marriage (kids?) or has regrets about not having played/explored more before committing to marriage. Perhaps she has not "found herself" yet or is not comfortable with the person who she is? Could be that she just plain wants more money and a better lifestyle for herself. My wife, w/ the exception of the lack of kids has degrees of all of the above. Don't get me wrong-- I have my faults too and contributed to the failure of the relationship...

You mentioned airline stewardess. My father was a commercial pilot for 35 yrs. In the environment she is in, if she wants to play, she will play. Pilots have cash and a seemingly exciting lifestyle. My dad has countless stores about fellow pilots playing with the crew.

I am sorry to say, that based on what I am finished up now, your are headed to divorce. I pray that it does not happen, but it sounds like she is not going to try or is done trying.

Thanks for your feeedback guys...She has everything money can buy...since we're a dual income unit no kids....we were saving for a long time so we can live off a single income for a while...thats why we delayed having kids...she tried me a few years ago....I wasn't ready at the time...Now I'm ready and she isn't obviously...

But I know in my heart of hearts she wouldn't cheat I know guys have approached her before and she's been open with me...this is a process for her to miss me...she loves me...but shes not in love with me with the same passion I have for her. She's giving up a lovely home to live in her dads basement....it's pretty rough living there

My worry is the more time apart...the more distant we will get....the easier it will be to check out.

Yes. Consider it her way to do a slow breakup.

I'm trying my best each day to hold myself together...The thing is she's been there for me when I've had my crisis in life...I can't forget her ever for that....I see some symptons of depression in her for a while...he parents are moving overseas for good...she has a health issue which is traumatizing for a young lady(thinning hair)....I've been supportive...but same time I'm aching inside big time and have to face reality. I hope you're right that she needs to find herself.

How does everyone here deal with that internal ache when you are all alone at home

 

How does everyone here deal with that internal ache when you are all alone at home

I am lucky in that the kids are 1 mi away, and I adore and live for them. We speak every night, and they have been there for me in their own special way. Over time, the pain becomes less. The business of implementing a divorce takes over and you find yourself busy w/ selling a home, buying out her 1/2 of a home, buying a new home, dividing assets, lawyers... Quite frankly, you get busy again, w/ divorce and work and any social activities that you have...

Unfortunately, you do not have children, but you can stay busy and try to keep your mind off it. Focus on work and friends and hobbies. It may sound cliche, but look at an activity that you always wanted to do-- I bought a motorcycle... Learn to fly or scuba dive or something, but do something new.

Eventually, time will take some of the pain away. Hopefully the way you fill your life will mute the rest of it.

I disagree with foobar on one thing, when someone says they do not love you anymore it is too late. I can say from personal experience that is not the case...I had told my husband the same thing.

I am glad that was not the case for you and your husband, but many a woman that I have spoken to has said the same thing on this subject-- once it is said, it is only a matter of time before the breakup.

How long did it take for your relationship to heal and/or get back to normal after you told him that you did not love him anymore? I have heard it usually takes a year or more to get the trust back.

I don't and won't agree with foobar. But I would also tell you it is quite probable that this will be very difficult for your relationship to survive. Not trying to be all doom and gloom, but I won't candy coat it.

I mentioned something in my earlier email and you did not respond, think about it.

If you can think back to your days of adolescenc and early twenties, you can probably envision what guys always had a woman. It was generally not the nice guys who always bent over backwards to please their women. No, it was the guys who sometimes treated their women like dirt, it was the jerks. Why did the jerks always have women? Because women were attracted to them. The guys who bent over backwards to please women did not attract the women.

Now, the question I would ask is that as you stopped being a jerk did you lose what attracted your wife? A jerk is not the only person who can have the qualities that make a jerk attractive to some women. But if you are too nice, often you simply will not have them.

Women don't jsut decide to marry and be attracted to you for the rest of your life. Spouses needs to keep attracting each other.

I don't and won't agree with foobar. But I would also tell you it is quite probable that this will be very difficult for your relationship to survive.

Mind if I ask what part you are disagreeing with?

Mind if I ask what part you are disagreeing with?

I think mainly with the part that he has no chance of being with his wife.

I see, in his wife, a woman as he describes her who still deeply cares about him. But I can see how he may also not be doing anything for her sexually. We need the whole package to be really happy.

Yes I was 'jerk' early on in our marriage...but I wised up....I think I overcompensated the last few years to make everything perfect..too perfect. Well I'm sticking to my guns with NC. She needs time and space as she put it to think things over without guilt or timeline over her head. I realized alot of changes were to gain more sex perhaps? When that didn't work I did more...or I guilted and silent treatment her....I know now....but at the time I was acting out of frusturation....so let's just hope time heals...I'm not 100% guilty here...she never communicated with me...and expecting me to know what's in her head..I just thought she had a low sex drive and that was the only problem..also we have the distance through her job...I thought it was normal as a guy who hasn't seen his wife in 3 or 4 days to want to hop in bed first thing she came home...

I realized now kinda too late that wives need to be romanced and not just put into a routine which we were in. I think this seperation might help us to reflect on it.....the scary thing is I don't know what the outcome will be.

I realized now kinda too late that wives need to be romanced and not just put into a routine which we were in. I think this seperation might help us to reflect on it.....the scary thing is I don't know what the outcome will be.

Well, each woman is different, but I think you need to realize that most women need a man who's got some balance in there. A man who is always sweet and kind and bends over backwards ot her helpmay seem to value her too much, AND himself too little. She should not be one who can walk all over you, and a woman, unfortunately in most cases, finds the guy she walks over more sexually attractive than the one who walks over her. So romance, as many think of it as bing nice and sweet, is not the whole answer. Some is good, but value yourself too, you should not need to romance her all the time.

Sorry, I am not buying into to the "you can be too good to your wife" thread. The games are supposed to end when two people are married-- not begin. Maybe I am old fashioned or behind the times on this...

There are lot's of reasons for the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" line, but the end result is that unless she is committed to meeting sanj101ca half way, there is no chance for the marriage to remain intact. My heart is with you sanj101ca, but her moving out and then moving out again is not a good sign.

All you can do at this point is ride w/ it. If she wants space, give it to her. Try not to be an emotional burden to her. Definetly don't beg, grovel or try to reason her back. If she wants to talk, she'll call and you talk as long as she wants. The more you pursue, the less she will be attracted to you at this point. Counterintuitive for sure. Painful to implement for sure.

In the mean time, try to find something to keep yourself busy and keep yourself happy (do that activity that you always wanted to do, but could never find the time/money/motivation). You're not going to want to to anything like this at first, but force yourself to start. Trust me, it will get easier to go/do over time-- remember, this is something that you always wanted to do. She is not going to want a sad or depressed sanj101ca back. You also have been giving a lot of yourself lately, so you have to get your mind going in a different direction to help end the depression and try to find "you" again to be a happer person-- for youself. Everything else will fall into line...

i am in a similar situation after 20 yrs. what I find so intersting in looking around is that it appears that in at least 75% of the cases it is the woman that just want to "walk away", even without apparent serious troubles, just "out of love". go figure!

sometimes people lose their way and feel unhappy and don't know what is wrong... they assume it is the relationship when it is a discontentment within themselves... you both married very young, and maybe she is wondering about who she is in relation to you, and marriage itself...

you say she and you are religious... is there any change you could get her to see a religious marriage counseling? lot of churches offer that... you could live apart, but meet up for counseling, at the church or otherwise. maybe talk to her dad about that? even say, not to pressure her, but to help you both transition into a life apart, or see if you two together can find a compromise where both are happy...

and really, 60 days more is not so long if you want to wait to see if she is just searching... but if in 60 days, she wants 60 days more, then i think you need to ask her what she is waiting for, and that she seems to keep extending it out, not really deciding what to do... just waiting for a long period doesn't solve anything, both of you need to think and analyze what is right and wrong about the relationship, and can you compromise and change, and is the other person willing to do that?

i know this is hard, you have been married a long time, but give her a little more space, but at the end of the 60 days, tell her you need marital counseling to understand whether you can continue, or else you need to make the break and accept it is over...

best of luck, let us know how it goes!

also, one other thing... re: sex, if a woman is feeling emotionally distant, she will not want to be physically intimate... and men a lot of times see physical intimacy as a way of establishing emotional intimacy, but women want the emotional closeness first... so it is not just romancing that is important, but understanding that if you are too eager to just hop into bed when you haven't seen her, she may feel that what you want is sex and not her...

so if you could tell her the thing you have always wanted is HER, and the sex makes you feel closer, and it is NOT the sex that is all you want... as they say, the brain is the largest sex organ, so tell her how important she is to you, and how important your marriage is, and that you desire her because you love her!

Well - maybe you shouldn't be "clingy" now. Maybe you should do things different now.

I remember reading this one psychologists theory where he said to just agree with whatever your mate was saying. "Yeah I guess you don't love me anymore." "You're right." Don't argue or disagree. I thought the guy was WHACKO- but I tried it with my wife - and for the most part - it was a freeing thing for me.

She still left me to go be with my brother - but - at least I turned the corner of BLIND JEALOUSY and CONTROL FREAKISM.

It allowed her to go down the path she needed to go down.

Maybe there's a road your wife needs to go down?

I'll be praying for you as well. Many blessings to ya.

this is what my husband's affair partner told her husband a few years ago, "i don't think i love you anymore." be very aware and keep your eyes open....sounds like she is interested in someone else..and possibly having an affair...it happens...i hope not in your case but i just want you to be open to the possibility and not get blind sided....good luck!

Petlady so what was the outcome in your case?