Another boyfriend watching porn thread

Hi all,

I know there's several recent threads on this topic, I've read most all of them, but I didn't really find the help I was looking for so I'm posting this.

My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship until a few weeks ago. He was in Arizona, I was in Florida (I moved to Arizona for school and to be with him). He's always watched a lot of porn and I've known this and didn't have a real problem with it. I figured since we're not together he's not getting any it's fine.

Well, now I've moved. We have sex often, and he still watches porn all of the time, right in front of me. He knows I don't like it, we've talked about it a couple of times. Things changed for a little bit...but then it went straight back to it. We have different schedules and need different amounts of sleep so sometimes I'll wake up at 1-2am and look accross the room and he's watching more porn.

Now the reason why I have such an issue with it. I have pretty deep-rooted problems with porn and self esteem and appearance, like most girls except to an extreme level. I had/have (I'm almost over them but have a ways to go) several eating disorders that have mainly been caused by porn/porn stars/wanting guys to want me like that/etc. My boyfriend has been a major part in helping me get over some of my issues. But he doesn't understand why him constantly watching porn makes me want to binge and throw up.

I've brought it up several times and nothing really seems to change for more than a week so I don't think there's a point in talking about it again.

I'm trying to get over my issues but when my boyfriend is supporting what is hurting me most I get stuck and don't know what to do. Anyone have any advice?

Unless there is a direct reprocussion of his actions, then he will never change. If this is truly an issue for you then you need to be willing to leave him over it. If not then you will just complain about it and he will keep doing it.

It's unfortunate that his utilization of erotic materials makes you feel uncomfortable, and you have my very real sympathy in that regard. However, for him to capitulate and abandon something which is legal and gives him enjoyment would be to start down the slippery slope of catering to your insecurities, which I believe would ultimately prove detrimental in a much more fundamental way than does his current habit.

How often do you have sex? Men only look at porn when they're horny, you know. Do you see a possible solution that would be amenable to both parties here?

I really hate to be generic and recycle somone else's post, but this thread had some good points in it. I think it was posted last week.

Honestly, if his porn habit is problem for you in a way that may exacerbate your eating disorders then you need to either not live with him or not be with him.

I get the feeling that it isn't his watching the porn that is the main problem but that he knows your issues and exposes you to it. Until he makes an effort not to expose you to it, you need to be proactive and making sure you're not in a place where you will be.

In another thread Weary describes the true nature of porn:

Actually they have done many studies on the responce of both men and woemn to porn. They find that men and women both get physically aroused by it in the same way (ie visually); however, more women are apt to deny the arousal because of social stigma.

 

My point is, people say 'men are visual creatures' to use as a justification to why they watch porn...instead of just stating the facts which are "hey I like it, hey it gets me off quicker"...or whatever.

 

So he likes it more than sex with you, ya' think? I mean if it makes you uncomfortable and you can't change these feelings, he may lose you, right?

thereforeeee it sounds like viewing porn all of the time is affecting you and he prefers this to risking losing you.

On a more personal note. My ex liked his porn. (I didn't realize until much later he was in fact actually addicted to it). However, I loathed it. I hated it. I would freak everytime I found anything. I realize now...that I was very insecure about the relationship (with good reason..long story..lol). I was insecure and jeleous. I thought my issue was with the knockout women and the perfect bodies, and the feeling inadequate. But what it was as me not trusting him (again good reason and knowing that everything could and would turn his head. So the issue wasn't the porn, the issue was my perception and projection, and his inability to be forthright, honest and trustworthy.

Above Weary writes another good point that in her experience the problem was her perception and projection and her boyfriend's inability to be trustworthy. I would argue also that obsession with pornography alone is a sign of a problem of confusing sex as solely for the subject with little regard for the needs of the object of sex. Even in the xxx videos where the woman's needs are accurately reflected, the viewing of the film is solely about the viewers satisfaction. There is no reciprocity in this act. And reinforcing this by viewing porn frequently does change the mind and personality of people more toward a focus on one's own needs, regardless of the other's.

I say that you do not need a reason for your feelings. I think that if you feel this way and he truly loved you he would stop. He is risking his connection with you for the maintenance of his daily fill of visual and aural stimulation meant only for his entertainment.

Arizona is a nice place. Consider finding a nicer person, I say.

What is it that would work for you? Like, what have you asked him to specifically do?

I agree with Benty, about how him catering to your insecurities would be most likely a poor solution and cause more harm than good.

But, if you are living together and you are facing real issues that you are working on, and his lifestyle is getting in the way of your progress there...that is a problem.

And, my thinking runs counter to a lot of the popular views of 'porn is fine, men look at porn and it is fine'.

To me, that is kinda weak when there are many people so absorbed in their own needs that they forget to engage in real life and what it is to be a sexual person .

In real life as a sexual being, your every wish is not furfilled. Sometimes you must wait. Sometimes you don't get what you want when you want it.

Just saying..there is some flexibility needed from both sides. Is it necessary and intelligent for him to be watching porn in the same room as you, when he knows it is problematic for you? No.

Does he need to watch porn? No. But he wants to...when he wants to.

And you want it gone, I assume, because that is what you want.

Unless each of you is willing to give a little and see it from the other guy's perspective, I honestly think a good option for you is to live somewhere else.

May sound drastic, but if your mental health (and even physical health) is on the line: that comes first.

good luck. Men don't give up instant sexual gratification easily: they are used to it. Many feel entitled to it.

Porn is an addiction. Plain and simple. There has been several recent studies to suggest that the whole "ritual" and the act of orgasm surrounding pornography often mimics true drug addiction.

How could this really not bother a woman? If you look around this forum and read some mature women's posts - I think you'll see that this type of behavior is a pre-cursor to problems in a marriage and a general degrading of the SO. Basically, its very selfish behaviour.

So... what can a woman do?

A) Realize its NOT about them. It never is. Its an addiction to lust that can NEVER be satisfied even if he had 1,000 women at his beck and call.

Or 1,000,000 hours on the internet.

B) Get educated: link removed and start to see what is really going on here.

C) Set boundaries in your dating relationship. Don't allow for his dysfunction to effect you. Don't go deeper with this guy or you'll have a harder time breaking it off if you decide to do so.

All species of anthropoids masturbate, and there is absolutely nothing dysfunctional about it. Porn is merely a typically human tool, just like a vibrator.

Stop talking, start taking action.

Split it off with him.

If he will choose porn over being with you again, then this is a true sign he's not for you to begin with. You're seeing his true colors, and thereforeeee must act now according to them, if he's not going to listen. The more you stay with him while stating you do not like what he does, the more he sees you'll give in to accepting things he does, even when they hurt you emotionally. This will lead him to taking further advantage of you... until you finally put your foot down, and leave this relationship.

Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't care about you enough to simply stop watching porn?

Porn is all about LUST. Not Love. Do you think we can be constantly immersing ourselves in lust and then hoping to make a relationship the best it can be?

What I have trouble grasping, and maybe your boyfriend is the same is:

He's always watched a lot of porn and I've known this and didn't have a real problem with it.

Well, now I've moved. We have sex often, and he still watches porn all of the time, right in front of me. He knows I don't like it, we've talked about it a couple of times.

But you haven't said that your sex life has suffered, in fact, you said,

We have sex often.

Do you think maybe he doesn't understand why as well?

Maybe instead of fighting it, you can use it as an opportunity to jump on him and make it something that is enjoyable for both of you.

All species of anthropoids masturbate, and there is absolutely nothing dysfunctional about it. Porn is merely a typically human tool, just like a vibrator.

Uh, I feel a big need here to distinguish porn fantasy from masturbation.

My guess is guys who use porn to masturbate are pretty lousy at having a good emotional connection (and I guess physically being able to last long enough for most gals) than do guys who masturbate and fantasize about first pleasing real women they truly care for.

And all of this should be distinguished from masturbation straight-up for one's own physical wants/needs - no fantasy whatsoever.

Please don't lump masturbation with pornography.

One is a gift of life many beings use, practice, and enjoy -- another is man-made and made by some pretty gross and skanky people, in my opinion.

What I have trouble grasping, and maybe your boyfriend is the same is:

It's like you established a precidence when you accepted that he enjoys porn and never had a problem with it, and then when you moved, you expect the rules to change.

 

I agree that she has changed the rules.

She also told us she didn't previously mind occasional use of porn - and after moving she realizes it is daily and protracted use.

Also, she is young and may have values that some porn is okay - and now knows that a lot of porn in a romantic relationship actually bothers her.

I don't think that there is nothing wrong with porn but to constanaly watch it tells me the guy has problems.

Hey - posted a thread, then afterwards saw this one and thought it might just be best to post in here. Might get a lot more advice about what to do, I'm not sure. Anyway, last night I discovered that my boyfriend's been "enjoying" himself over car magazines full of skimpily-dressed females, and also pictures of girls in bikinis (that he has ripped out from other magazines). He had the magazines first in his bathroom underneath the sink (I thought at first it was just bathroom reading), and then in his room. I found out when I picked one up to read, and out fell pages of bikini girls ripped out from other magazines - safe to say he's not just using those for reading material!

I can hardly stomach the thought of him getting off to these pictures of half-naked women. In a weird way, the fact that the pictures aren't technically "porn" upsets me even more. If it WAS porn, at least then I might feel as though he's just being turned on by the sexual situation, etc, and not just the way the female looks dressed skimpily and posing provactively.

To me, it feels as though I've been mentally cheated on. If he's whacking off to these pictures and fantasizing about having sex with these women...I might find other men attractive, but would never get off to a picture of a half-dressed, hot guy. To me, it would feel as if I had just betrayed my boyfriend in some manner.

I have no clue what to do from here...bring it up to him? Try to talk it out? I don't want to say to him "no porn at all anymore! no looking at these girls!" because that would just piss him off and make him feel like I'm controlling him...but at the same time I want him to know I'm upset about it, and get reassurance from him...I don't know what to do.

All species of anthropoids masturbate, and there is absolutely nothing dysfunctional about it. Porn is merely a typically human tool, just like a vibrator.

Porn is neither a "tool" or "just like a vibrator".

It is worthless, disgusting and degrading.

I masturbate often and guess what?! Never need porn to do it.

Hello??! Go out and get laid like any other normal human being who is horny. Go and actually have a connection with someone.

The truth is, guys use Masturbation as an excuse to watch porn.

Guys who watched porn ain't man enough for me. Get an imagination and have some self control.

Tell him exactly how you feel about it; if this is going to be the deciding factor to whether you'll break up with him or not, then so be it. We all have our limits, and this is obviously affecting you emotionally, which I could personally identify with; I'd imagine it'd hit me hard, as well.

You can tell him how you feel, and then lay down an agreement of some sort; then it's up to you to act upon what happens next: He sticks to the agreement, or doesn't.

For me, if my girl wouldn't be content with lusting after me alone, then I'd end it with her. I'm looking for a full commitment, not partial.

Do not be scared of how he'll react to what you say, or else your relationship will never ripen to what a good, healthy relationship should. Open communication is key in a healthy relationship!

Demanding he stop? Well, you can nicely ask, and if he doesn't respect you, then that's up to you to leave or not. I can't imagine how it'd be so hard to get rid of mere pictures in place of my girlfriend; I mean, come on. If they keep them, that just shows how much they're really into you... or lack thereof.

This is just a test, of many to probably come. These're "storms" of any relationship; trials, to see if it can last in the long run.

Thank you for the advice, Northalius...I decided after discovering this about my boyfriend that I was going to let it wait a few days and see how I still felt about it then, whether or not I would come to accept it and not feel the need to bring it up to my boyfriend. I haven't come to accept it. In fact, each day, I just feel even worse.

But I'll feel like a hypocrite if I bring it up to him, because about a week ago, my boyfriend discovered that sometimes, I'll watch the soft-core porn that comes on TV at nighttime. He didn't seem to really care. I'm afraid he'll use that as a "well you do this, and I didn't mind or feel threatened by it!"

The thing is...I don't watch the soft-core porn and masturbate to the naked men in it. I don't sit there and fantasize about having sex with the guys in the soft-core. To be perfectly honest, half the time all it does is get me hot-and-heavy for MY guy, or make me giggle. He, on the other hand, looks at these pictures of skimpily-dressed women, most likely imagines himself having sex with them, and gets off to the thought.

But obviously this will be just one test for my relationship to undertake. It's weird though...I wouldn't want to ask him to stop...I mean, if he enjoys it, then I'd feel mean/controlling taking that away from him...but I just want some kind of REASSURANCE from him, that I'm still the only girl for him...even though obviously I'm not the only girl he wants in bed with him, which I can barely stand the thought of...but that's basically what this all comes down to. My boyfriend wants to sleep with these women.

Now I just have no clue how to go about bringing it up...light-heartedly at first? Serious? Should I plan out what I'll say in advance? I've always been horrible at bringing up issues that've upset me before in the past, just because I'm a very meek and timid person when it comes to talking about my feelings and standing up for myself. I don't know what to do.

The truth is, guys use Masturbation as an excuse to watch porn.

 

Guys who watched porn ain't man enough for me. Get an imagination and have some self control.

Well said, misstee!

This guy is very lucky to have a girlfriend who is so considerate about not controlling him, aware that if she does say something that the behavior may go even more subversive. You are being a really good relationship partner. He is a very lucky guy.

I am not sure I know the difference between soft porn and other porn - not sure I really want to know. I do know the difference between a love or sex scene in a movie and an exhibit of human behavior designed to get people off. Its the latter that I would not want my partner to watch - I want her to get off not only with me, but because of our interaction together, as equals.

His situation I feel is distinguishable from your watching soft porn on TV in a few ways.

But first let me argue there are still possible similarities.

You are laying there in bed and this stuff is coming out of the TV and as it turns you on it makes you want to be with your guy, you say. He could also say, couldn't he, that when looking at these women in print that he is turned on and it makes him want to be with you? I believe you when you say that soft porn leads you to wanting your man.

So how does it make you feel to think that looking at these girls in print is his precursor to sex with you?

I am not sure what of the above is true. My real thinking follows:

This collecting of girlie images is not only an unhealthy programming of his mind's objectification of women as sex objects - it is adolescent and does not belong in your house or relationship - if you feel uncomfortable it.

For me its more than just getting off looking at the images - its this thing of collecting which gives me notice. Its like a rolodex of lovers on the side. He might even be idealizing emotional connections with them as unique individuals - I mean these aren't photos of sex organs - these are people with eyes and faces and smiles. Any personality can be supplanted on top of these images, as per the emotional connection that the viewer needs/wants.

You could tell him to get these things out of the house and I hope he would. Perhaps he is testing you, in a subconscious way, to see how serious you are - or how much you care - or that he is insecure, needs these "relationships" to buoy him in yours.

I feel confident that it is a habit that existed prior to your relationship and he needs to break out of it.

The thing about bad habits, I've found - it is more than stopping the behavior - it is undersanding what the behavior does for the addict and replacing it with more healthy ways of satisfying the same need. So he gets rid of the magazines and is then interested in only you - or then needs multiple partners?

I just think that you are further along in relationship and love matters than he is. At your age, women usually are.

I believe that you are fully capable of helping you and him navigate through this. The question is how capable is he of following your lead? And is there a deeper problem here other than a stack of images? Where either of his parents promiscuous and he needs an outlet to feel that he is capable of such conquest -yet burying it in a stack of print images instead of acting on it? Is this saying that someday he will wander, thinking that there may be someone else out there to love?

Whatever it is he needs to get beyond it to be in a truly intimate relationships. And this, again, is more than throwing those images in the trash.

Just my thoughts.

Cantexplain, thank you as well for the advice...so you do think I have a right to be more upset over the fact that he's jerking off over photos of half-dressed women, as opposed to actual porn? It's weird, but somehow the fact that (as you said), it's not even their sexual parts (boobs, etc) getting him off...because in these pictures, those are covered up...is more upsetting to me. It feels more personal that these girls are actually half-way dressed, as if I found him masturbating over a picture of a girl (who was skimpily dressed) he used to know or something. I mean, these are car magazines and the bikini inserts he also has were ripped out from ads in other magazines. Is he really that desperate, that even a half-dressed girl will do for him? Or does he just picture her completely naked in his head, or something?

This is so frustrating! I've offered to take naughty pictures of myself for him before, but he didn't seem to enthusiastic at the prospect, and so I didn't pursue the idea any further. If he really does just use these pictures of half-dressed women as a way to "get off", and doesn't even use porn or completely-naked women, then why wouldn't a naughty picture of me be enough? I feel like I must not be attractive enough or something...my sex drive has gone way down...every time I even kiss him, I'm wondering if he's imagining these other women in his head while he kisses me. It's driving me crazy on the inside.

Fruitsmoothie he probably IS NOT picturing them when kissing you. He doesn't want to take naughty pictures of you because he does not regard you in this way.

I bet he is undressing these women in his mind, if that helps!

I don't know what to say.

I had girlie magazines as a youth but got rid of them when I got my first girlfriend.

Reading on enotalone it appears that many young people these days have different attitudes about these things than the people I knew when growing up. So he may think there is nothing wrong with this and has every right to have these photos. There is a recent thread by valiantv entitled Do you have the right to ask your partner to stop going to lap-dancing clubs?. It is filled with guys defending their "rights" to do things which may hurt their girlfriend's feelings.

I just don't get it. Developing a relationship takes work. Why would I want to throw out all that over my porn collection or desire to go with the guys every now and then to strip clubs?

I am not saying that you have the right to feel anything differently over soft porn versus hard porn. If a woman I lived with was getting satisfaction out of either I would be turned off.

Ya'll need to have a serious talk.

My recommendation is to have him look deep inside himself and discover WHY he needs this collection of girls. Do not force him to give an answer right away. You will want him to take the time to discover the real answer. So take that answer when you get it, observe what he does with his collection, see if he changes, and then decide what to do.

But obviously this will be just one test for my relationship to undertake. It's weird though...I wouldn't want to ask him to stop...I mean, if he enjoys it, then I'd feel mean/controlling taking that away from him...but I just want some kind of REASSURANCE from him, that I'm still the only girl for him...even though obviously I'm not the only girl he wants in bed with him, which I can barely stand the thought of...but that's basically what this all comes down to. My boyfriend wants to sleep with these women.

Of course he wants to sleep with these women. If he's serious about you, though, he wouldn't actually sleep with these women even if given the chance. But that won't stop him from wanting to... men always want to sleep with attractive women even when they must (and do) refuse to actually do it in order to keep a woman happy, to keep themselves healthy, and so on.

So don't freak out because his porn means that he would like to sleep with other women. That's just a given. He wants to sleep with other women.

But he's not actually sleeping with other women. He's also not neglecting you in favor of this hobby of his. I don't see how he's doing anything wrong at all, especially when you led him to believe that you weren't going to try to take it away from him previously.

Are most guys unhappy with this "holding back" aspect of the relationship, then? I'm honestly confused...I guess I've always been naive, but lately now that I've been looking into other's opinions on guys and their "urges", it seems that for the most part, all men want to screw other women, period. Yet when they have a girlfriend or wife, they can't, or they're held back. Does this upset men majorly at all? Being held back from being able to act on these urges? Or somewhere along the line, does their love for their girlfriends/wives balance out that strong desire to sleep with other women, and make it seem worth it to them? I guess that because I'm a girl, I can't understand exactly how -strong- this sexual urge in men is.

Are most guys unhappy with this "holding back" aspect of the relationship, then? I'm honestly confused...I guess I've always been naive, but lately now that I've been looking into other's opinions on guys and their "urges", it seems that for the most part, all men want to screw other women, period. Yet when they have a girlfriend or wife, they can't, or they're held back. Does this upset men majorly at all? Being held back from being able to act on these urges? Or somewhere along the line, does their love for their girlfriends/wives balance out that strong desire to sleep with other women, and make it seem worth it to them? I guess that because I'm a girl, I can't understand exactly how -strong- this sexual urge in men is.

I hear what you are saying...I find it childish to say the least. They need to grow up and stop being completely driven by their member. Showing some discipline and self control goes a long way.