B/f Going Away Again. Part 2

Guys,

I went through the same issue last year...and i still dont like it...its a very pervocative thing--a biker rally.

My b/f rides a motorcycle and he likes going on a bike trip every year to places like myrtle beach where they have a rally..Its with a bunch of guys and usually some of the wives fly down...He says i dont belong on the back of a bike going cross country which i understand(it can be dangerous and its just he guys riding down BUT the wives meet them there)..And he also says he isnt going to spend an extra $1000 for me to come just so i am there to know what is going on. He really just doesnt want me to come on this thing..he wants it to be his own or something(this is not what he said but from the view i am getting and i dont know if that is a red flag that he doesnt want me going and i know this place isnt disney land for family) He was saying--well then you are gonna have to fly back home and get back from the airport etc etc etc.

Its definitely not a weekend of just hunting or fishing like some guys trips are. I feel insecure about it. Of course i tell him these things and he says things to reassure me and says i know what i am going there for and thats not it..

For anyone reading this post--if you look online and type in pictures of bike rallys for sturgis or daytona or myrtle beach or even go to YOUTUBE --you will eventually come accross these very hot women who work there and also women who walk around in bikini tops etc etc and pretty much close to nothing..I just saw a video of women basically stripping and dancing and it didnt look like a strip club..it looked like a bar..guys were taking pics and everything. I can't imagine what the bars are like at night..there are pics of women topless as well. (i'm sure thats not all that goes on and i didnt watch the videos but i had the option to) I am sure--this is not ALL he sees but i am sure it will be a lot and i can't help but just feel uneasy about it. Is this the type of an environment he should be going in?

I hope someone does look up these pictures/videos and tell me what they think. Alot of older people do seem to go and doesnt necessarily consist of just people in their 20's. (my b/f is 29) and some of the women looked washed up but some look like they are there to hook up and just be wild and a lot of drinking goes on. He says he isnt going to not go and he will go on these every year until he sells it.

I went through this last year and going through it again. I am tempted to say to him--did you mean it if you said if i pay my own way i can go. Please help with your own words and thoughts on the matter. I hope some respond who have been to these things or know or who looked up the pictures. Thank you. Appreciate it.

Well, it doesn't sound like it would be much of a holiday for you, to be honest. And the only reason you would be going would be to keep an eye on him, is that right? That seems like a lot of money and trust to throw away, if you ask me.

He did this last year, and he was faithful. It sounds like he likes going, hanging out with his friends, and talking about bikes. Are you interested in bikes? Would you have fun if you went?

I think that it's painful for you because of your jealousy issues - and a lot of women would feel uncomfortable about this, I can see that. But if he's been before and not cheated on you, and it's about the bikes not the chicks, then I would say try not to worry about it, make loads of your own plans for that weekend, and see it as something he likes doing.

Good luck!

Hi Hope,

Yes, I have seen clips of those types of biker rallys and they do have alot of scantily clad women present.

But I think the big thing is do you trust your bf?

Yes, he's going to see the women. But what is it that you are afraid will happen?

Well, he went last year and all was well, he did not cheat on you, you two are still together ... why would this time be different?

I appreciate the reply but its not just about the bikes..they have contests every day exploiting these women..then at the bars at night they go wild..and this is what its like for the week along with looking at the bikes and the vendors etc etc..please someone check out the pictures and videos if u arent offended by nudity.

Well daytona and sturgis are considered more wild and it seems like a spring break..please check it out on youtube and look for the girls...i just don't like it..having a hard time

Yes- I was also going to ask-

What happened last year?

He went... did he cheat on you? Any reason not to trust him this year?

Ok so you don't like it- I would not expect that you would. However, you can't tell you boyfriend what to do.

So you sort of have to decide- do you trust him? or not?

If not..... what are you doing with him?

I feel like he should be a little more pleased about me going..especially since i really bet some of these guys will have wives or a g/f that flys down.

Of course i can never really know what happened last year..but he came back and was pretty much all over me and happy to see me.

Well, someone whom you trust and is faithful, committed and honest would not cheat; even if he was in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion.

I understand why you would feel jealous, but there is a big difference between jealous and possessive. When my boyfriend went to Vegas last year for the Supercross finals with some buddies on a guy trip I was jealous (especially as I would of loved to see the finals!), but I trusted him absolutely and knew that for him it is not a case of "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!". You have to learn to respect their ability to make their own choices, and make sure you choose people whom are trustworthy.

You post a lot about how you don't trust him and worry all the time; yet you tend to avoid those posts that suggest that you need to learn to either trust in him, or decide you don't and move on from him because you can't force him to change if he is NOT trustworthy.

And going just to keep an eye on him would not be fun for you, and I suspect he would be rather resentful as well.

If you don't trust him, it's time to leave honestly.

Who cares if there scantily clad women stripping and throwing themselves at random men? You either trust him, or you don't. If you don't trust him, you have bigger issues then what he's doing on vacation. If he'd cheat on vacation, he'd cheat at home, he'd just be moe careful about it. The idea of you spending $1000 just to keep an eye on him while you spend the week not enjoying yourself (atleast it doesnt sound like you would) just goes to show that you have a problem with insecurity, that needs to be addressed.

My Dad is a biker. He goes to Myrtle Beach, Daytona, Sturgis,etc. Yes, theres scantily clad women all over acting quite promiscuis(sp?). Does his wife have any problem with this? No, because she trusts him and knows he respects their marriage. This should be the basis of any serious relationship. My girlfriend could throw me in the middle of brothel with a free coupon, and trust me not to have sex with anyone without her permission.

My girlfriend could throw me in the middle of brothel with a free coupon, and trust me not to have sex with anyone without her permission.

Does that mean it would be ok, if you had her permission?

Yes, as we have a semi-open relationship.

My bf came with new experiences including a Harley he built himself, all I know its a '58 softtail...oh yeah and its kind of burgandy...He has taken me to various 'runs' and we had a blast! Yeah I have seen the women you speak about but he looks, as we all do, admit it! and we move on. At least your bf isn't telling you this is a business trip! Maybe he does not think you would be interested? Gotta tell ya, I have never been on the back of a bike before, but now, I love it....I get to sit back there and look at the world in a different way and of course obsess about my relationship..among other things! LOL

well last year he made the excuse..you dont belong on the back of a bike for that many hours and its too much responsibility(like greater chance of something happening being on the bike that long) which is fine but now its like well you are going to have to pay money and also get from the airport to there and then fly back home..he basically just doesnt want me there

well last year he made the excuse..you dont belong on the back of a bike for that many hours and its too much responsibility(like greater chance of something happening being on the bike that long) which is fine but now its like well you are going to have to pay money and also get from the airport to there and then fly back home..he basically just doesnt want me there

well i think for the most part some of the posts here are right in suggesting that you don't trust your boyfriend because you don't but i also see from your point of view why you might wonder.

he is telling you he doesn't want you there and you wouldn't enjoy yourself but how does he know that you won't? i'm guessing he doesn't want you there because he KNOWS you are only there to keep an eye on him which is not a good thing. If you wanted to go there to experience what a rally is like and be with him because this is what he enjoys doing then i can understand at which point, i don't think there is anything wrong with that.

anyways, how does he know you wouldn't enjoy it if he hasn't taken you to one of those things? maybe some of those bikers, their wives fly down because they equally like rallys just like their husband and they are not there to keep an eye on them.

i don't think u would have a problem with him going if he WANTED you to go and it doesn't sound like he does. true, he went before and told you nothing happened so you must've trusted him last time but what is different about it this time? is it because he wants to go again only this time he is adament in not wanting u to go that makes u wonder?

i have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. he is going on a two month trip with all his guy friends to australia for one month and then to thailand for another month. i am having a HORRIBLE time dealing with this and believe me it is driving me up the wall.

i trust my boyfriend but it is really hard and like you i was looking at videos on youtube about the night life in thailand and i really do not know what will happen. that and also my friends and family telling me something will happen there, he will cheat on me even if he doesn't want to blah blah.

i had a long talk with him and i feel a little iffy about him going but i am going to let him go. whatever happens will happen and if he truly loves me like he says, then nothing will happen. he told me going on youtube and searching for videos will just make me think the worse, just because i see videos of these guys doing whatever with these girls that doesn't mean he is going to do that because he loves me. he also said thats like me telling him i am going to vegas and him searching for vegas videos. not all of them are pleasing to the eye but does that mean i am going to vegas for the same reasons these people on youtube are? of course not.... not sure if u get what i'm trying to say but anyways, u have to trust your boyfriend, if you don't u have to figure out why you don't and start from there.

well last year he made the excuse..you dont belong on the back of a bike for that many hours and its too much responsibility(like greater chance of something happening being on the bike that long) which is fine but now its like well you are going to have to pay money and also get from the airport to there and then fly back home..he basically just doesnt want me there

Hope,

Honestly, do you think that you would have fun there?

Your main motivation for going seems to be to keep an eye on him while he's there. To him I'm willing to bet this would feel like bringing his mother on the trip.

He knows that there are going to be half naked women around, and he knows that it would make you miserable for him to be seeing them, or anywhere in the vicinity of them- and at these rallies that is pretty much unavoidable....and then he'd feel obligated to leave his guy friends and get away from the biker scene just to make you happy. So if you were there, he knows that probably means a pretty miserable trip for him as well. I suspect that's why he doesn't want you along.

I don't think it has anything to do with him wanting to cheat on you or oggle naked women- I think he just wants to go and have a great time and not have to worry about being kept on a short leash by his insecure, jealous girlfriend.

Do you think there might be a hint of truth to this?

I remember your post from last year! From what everyone had said in it, there seemed to be nothing to worry about... even by the looks of a website someone posted (you, or someone else).

If you went, would you think you could see for yourself it's nothing to worry about or feel left out of? Do you believe he'd be doing this for the rest of his life anyway? After all, it's only once a year... and it must feel like a milestone to overcome until it's over and you can relax.

There's girls who are going to do what they're going to do no matter where they're at... if anything, a place like that will make it be more of " just what goes on," rather than an "opportunity" for him.

I wish i can send you the links but this site would consider them porn due to the disgusting content of it.

If you type in yourself..you wouldnt be concerned? you would just think its all there for show and for attention and to get cheered on and your pic taken and thats it?

Hope you've chosen someone who likes to do this stuff. Quite frankly I would hate it too, but what can we possibly suggest you do about it besides "deal with it" or "issue an ultimatum"?

I think that of all your posts about various things you have been uncomfortable about, this one has the most merit. However, that still doesn't make him wrong and you right, it's just something you either deal with, or you say "no way, you don't get to do that" and then see what happens to the relationship.

How do you see this panning out in reality?

I think if i decide i really wanna go then i need to say to him..did you mean what you said about me paying my own way to go there and meet you.

Dont you think its a red flag that he doesnt want me there? A lot of people at this thing bring their s/o or wives and i imagine that some of the guys he will be going with(although not close friends or people he may hang out with every night at this thing) will have wives fly down.

I think if i decide i really wanna go then i need to say to him..did you mean what you said about me paying my own way to go there and meet you.

 

Dont you think its a red flag that he doesnt want me there? A lot of people at this thing bring their s/o or wives and i imagine that some of the guys he will be going with(although not close friends or people he may hang out with every night at this thing) will have wives fly down.

I think he wants to have fun with his friends, like Hope75 said. It is not necessarily a sign of a problem. Think about it, what if you and a bunch of your girlfriends were going to some spring break type of town for a holiday, at key party time - imagine Mr hope123 getting jealous and wanting to come. And you're thinking, "errr, but he'll have a bad time, I'll feel guilty for not hanging out with him", or "but I just wanted to sunbake and act silly with my friends, and he'll go all judgemental on me". Etcetera. Would you be excited for him to come under those circumstances?

You say you imagine some of them will have girlfriends/wives coming down, but will that actually be the case? Will there be women going just to watch their guys? If you go you will be looking around, judging what he chooses as beneath you. That will cramp his fun by a fair degree. And no, I am not talking about sleazy or cheating fun.

well the thing is...if i was going somewhere and my b/f wanted to come..i would be fine with it.

It makes me feel insecure that he doesnt want me there either. some guys would even say if he doesnt want you at this thing with him, hes looking to "play"..may be extreme but i know some guys who would tell me that or some would say i am reading into it too much.

I dont know when to bring this up...

I have a task for you hope.

I suggest you go to all your posts over the past year - ALL of them, including the MJMJ ones - and print them off. Then read them, all of them, in order.

Ask yourself, are things any clearer now than they were a year ago? All that worrying about cell phones in the bathroom/texts/presumed bachelor parties/stained sheets/lipstick on collar/lost lip gloss/phone wallpaper/staring at women/no compliments/exes calls etc - did that get you anywhere? Was it a good use of your time?

Ask yourself, do you want to be here, asking again in another year, or a year after that? How many more miscellaneous issues will have cropped up in that year, things to fret about?

This stuff has a purpose if it evolves your perspective in some way; if you decide "no, it's not good enough" and move on, or if it gives you some personal insight and you learn better means of coping with stress like this. But if you are in the SAME place, and you still don't trust the character of the man you have chosen, what does that say to you?

Hope has feelings w/this issue that are justified. Mostly though, her guy can not be completley comfortable being himself when she is not with him. He may not act on full discrections but, coming close is hard for us girls left at home.

With my ex, 15yr relationship, he would attend the biker functions quite a bit without me. I was biker right along with him. However, he did not want me "tagging" along. It was guys time. But, the wives or girlfriends would often go leaving me at home. He probably did not cheat in the full physical sense but would act in a manner he wouldnt ordinaraly with me there. It is still disrespectful especially that he did not want to share this part of his life. He would say women who are there, like in bars, are looking for one thing and I was not allowed. So why should he be allowed.

Do not hold back your feelings. Trust your gut. If he will not share this part of his life and your willing to, you may need to re think being with him.

Good luck!!