Causes of insecurity/low self esteem in adulthood

Was wondering if anyone would like to share their theories on what causes or contributes to people having insecurities/doubts/low self esteem in adult life? My friend once said it's got to do with negative childhood experiences - feeling abandoned as a child or having their self worth put down by a parent etc. Is this true? Anyone studying psychology, your input would be most helpful!!

My friend once said it's got to do with negative childhood experiences - feeling abandoned as a child or having their self worth put down by a parent etc.

Your friend is correct.

Wyatt Webb (a well known psychologist) advises that the next time when you feel uncertain or fearful about something, ask yourself this question, "How old do I feel right now?" Usually people will state an age under 10.

Not sure that's the story for everyone, though. I had a great childhood and was and have been encouraged and celebrated by my parents all along, but still have problems with self-confidence, anxiety, and lack of self-esteem. I still feel about six to thirteen years old in job interviews, when socializing with people I respect, dealing with relationships, etc. I've probably felt this way since puberty, despite being quite successful academically and professionally, having lots of good friendships with people I think are great, and outwardly seeming quite loud and chatty a lot of the time.

For me, I think it might have to do with spending quite a lot of time growing up either with adults or on my own rather than with groups of kids my own age. I was also about two years younger than everyone in my grade. I have a hard time taking myself seriously and think this may be due to lots of experience acting the precocious youngster for an adult audience. I spend a lot of time fantasizing in silly, childish ways, as I did during times without playmates. And I feel really out of place and anxious at gigs, house parties, etc. - any social venue most people would have started frequenting as teenagers. It's more and more of a problem as I get older, and I'm getting really fed up not being able to feel like a confident, comfortable adult.

I'm less interested in where it comes from than what to do about it. Has anyone got any good strategies for getting over / coping with insecurity?

I agree with the negative childhood experience being the main reason!

Because when we're children, our brains are still developing; we're like sponges, we soak in what we hear and see. What we go through then, sticks with us for life, or until we face it head on with a good counselor.

We've got to talk things out, get them out, and deal with them; then, move on! Break out of that mentality! It's such a burden on our minds if we keep it in for so long.

Yes I think its from being told or feeling like you werent good enough when you were a child. But it may be caused from peers, not just parents. But I'm not sure.

Do you find this to be true in your case?

I agree with the negative childhood experience being the main reason!

 

Because when we're children, our brains are still developing; we're like sponges, we soak in what we hear and see.

This is true, but there's very encouraging research being done lately that shows that the brain is still forming all throughout life. If I've understood the things I've read correctly, your experiences and how you think seems to literally shape how your brain works even through to old age. But as adults we tend to be more stuck in a pattern of living a certain way and are less prone to do new things and interact in new ways.

Hello all,

I believe that it is the result many times of abuse, to include verbal abuse of course.

As children, we look to someone to "take care of us", and help us understand and make our way in the world.

But, all too often throughout our childhood we hear, "Look what you did now, can't you do anything right? Why can't you be like..."

So... to compensate for this, they often become pushy, and domineering, especially at the expense of another, (the victim) and in the company of others so they can all bear witness. (Uh, support?)

The victim, is usually someone close, who wouldn't ignore them, and is not likely to tell them to just buzz off. Like their child who can't ignore them.

This unfortunate result tends to be passed on from generation to...

Keep in mind, it is mostly done subconsciously... they don't know why, and usually can't see how they are anyway.

I know that another effect of LSE is being down, and that's bad of course, but I just thought I would mention what I believe is another one of it's little demons.

Peace ya'll. Great topic Toobroken.

Peace

Jeff

I always find that saying "negative childhood experiences" is way too broad and general. Like someone already said, it's often not as obvious as that. One can have a relatively good childhood and not even know that something as seemingly little as a comment or opinion of a certian thing can sculpt or mold your child's future personality.

That's why I like this poem. It sort of highlights and points out - really well -what type of thing does what.....

Children Learn What They Live

By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

- - If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. - -

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Excellent topic and I agree. During the formative stage of our childhood, we can learn quite a few behaviors and attitudes that can become part of ourselves when we become adults.

I know a lot of my anxiety and anger problems can be ascribed to a man that I erroneously idolized when I was young; that was my puerile, angry and unappreciative father.

During my childhood, my father was terribly angry all the time and blamed us for why his life was * * * *. On top of that, he would not allow us any freedom to explore the world (he would only want us to read the material from the Quran for example or would restrict the needful human contact with our friends). This tragic personal history extends beyond that, but we should remain focused here.

Also, having friends that didn't respect me at all; during my childhood they lied to me constantly, used me to get what they want and spoke very ill of me while I wasn't around. I apparently have come to a point where I'd let any sort of scum into my life regardless of those 'univerally known' standards for 'what makes a good friend'.

Because of everything above that has transpired, I'm very insecure about meeting new people and I get VERY, unhealthfully and childishly, angry sometimes when things don't go my way. Furthermore, I have issues with trust; I don't like lending the 'priveledge' of trust to anyone for any reason. A good example can be found in previous posts where I talk about a friend - a man I formerly considered my brother - that I allowed myself to live with. He * * * * ed me over REALLY good.

So yeah. Our own personal era we call 'childhood' GREATLY influences our future behaviors as adults.

Thanks to all for your input. For me, I feel very uncertain about myself most of the time, like I cannot trust my own judgement or assessment of the situation. Like I always need someone to tell me the answer. I have a lot of self doubt. I was hoping that in finding out the cause maybe I can try and re-programmed my thoughts to change how I feel about myself. Does anyone believe that this is possible? That the negative things (thoughts or behaviours) you've learned from childhood can be changed?

Absolutely. Have you tried speaking to a counsellor? I think the crux of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a treatment for depression/anxiety is about changing negative thought patterns (Google on 'MoodGym' to find out more about this - it's a recommended online CBT course developed by the Australian health board), and there are other kinds of therapy which aim to re-wire how you think about yourself. I've not done any of this myself, but have friends who have benefitted from it.

Good luck tackling the problem. I'd love to know of anything you find works for you.

I am of the belief that it is a variety of different things, not just one all contributing factor. For one thing, my parents were great... Of course, they were far from perfect and they lost their patience with me every once in a while... but they never abused me physically or mentally/emotionally. My peers, on the other hand, well... I went through a period in my life where I was bullied. You can say that I learned, from a very early age, that there is a price to pay for being yourself. After that, I tried to keep a more steady distance from people... close enough not to feel alone, but distant enough to protect myself emotionally. And finally, there is society, the media, and the way it portrays people. I really do believe that this has an affect on the way people view themselves. I know that it has had an affect on me.

Maybe it can also be caused by overprotective parents? I've had a great childhood and can't really complain. But I think that most of the situations I feel insecure with are ones that I haven't been exposed to.

Maybe it can also be caused by overprotective parents? I've had a great childhood and can't really complain. But I think that most of the situations I feel insecure with are ones that I haven't been exposed to.

In social terms, this is true for me, too. Spent a lot more time protected within the family than fending for myself in social groups, and my sister even more so, and both of us feel insecure in many social situations and drawn to codependent relationships, her much more than I. Think there's something to kids working out how to get along with other kids in an unsupervised group way that we just missed out on and probably a lot of how you think about yourself with respect to others gets formed this way. Course if you were out a lot with groups and didn't do well at it as a child, maybe that's just as harmful?

yea i had a rough time in highschool and late middle school. I always felt like i was never part of the group, like i was friends with them but i was always the outsider. I developed insecuritys because i always thought my friends were talking about me behind my back. And low self esteem because i was never able to get a girl friend. Im in college now and i only have 1 friend. Im working my way up again, slow and steady.

I think for some people its a lot of trauma that causes them to have low self esteems... Like in my case, I used to be a whole bunch more confident, have high esteems etc etc then it all just became eroded away.

I dont know why though i blame myself and internalise most of my problems. I am not sure if other adults in similar circumstance would do this... I guess i have always been like that... I am not even sure if children do it as much as what i do...

Hi all

just would like to add my bit to cake and that is a point of view that sometimes we have a prefix idea how we are suppose to be in this world and is all made of construct of thoughts experiences, your parent figures etc etc..but sometime that is against our true nature..u se a empathic person or HSP (highly sensitive personality) is gonna come accross as thin skined and with social anxiety and insecure, avoiding crowds etc but he/she is gonna have a misery of life trying to fit in and be like other peole as he/she is NOT..so it is important to find your trueself nature from within and dare to be individual in this world rather then looking outside and seeing how u are not like other people...

just a thought

Love

Z

I truly believe that the experiences we have as a child molds us into who we're going to be as adults. Like a child who was constantly bullied and picked on as a child will probably grow up with low self esteem, while the child who had alot of friends and was all around popular will probably have high self esteem.

I however think it's up to "US" to reprogram ourselves & change our way of thinking. We're constantly growing and changing everyday. I think our experiences helps build who we are as people so we can be productive.

We have such a similar story - parents that supported/celebrated my achievements, being younger than kids in my year, being more around adults than kids my age, being successful in my career and life but still feeling like I am not good enough and getting anxious when having to deal with people (and feeling like a kid when I speak with my bosses at work).

I find that I have the problem of also constantly seeking approval and someone to 'take me under their wing' in the workplace, which of course always results in my unhappiness. Also, I have always felt insecure/jealous in relationships and am constantly worried about being abandoned (which my parents never did?).

And as you, I am interested in knowing how to overcome this. But I think if we find out why we feel this way, we may get the answers quicker.

A lot of my research into this topic, for my own interest while working through my own issues with this and trauma, led me to the conclusion that a lot of how someone becomes as an adult is not so much what they experienced as a child, so much as how they came to understand it and how the world works and their place in it. Certainly, external circumstances do have an impact. However, it's the internal factors that the child develops of their own choice and particular personality and attitude which has the biggest effect.

Understanding this portion of the equation, so to speak, was by far the most helpful for me in my own personal recovery and rediscovering of my own self worth and power as a person.

Just for an example: let's say one problem you have is that you feel incompetent or not worthy enough to see yourself as a peer or equal walking into a workplace situation. What is that ? A likely suspect is some dependency issue. You learned at some point to look UP to adults as better-than or final-word, rather than as people who respected your individual contribution and input. Very common, even amongst people who grew up with supportive parents. Perhaps even more so, because less than helpful parents often left us in neglect and we had to learn to do these things earlier than others and had adults torn off pedastals at an earlier age. Still, because in neglect our needs weren't met, we have the same issue there: dependency. Just for us it's harder to admit and we fake it.

Anyways, say the thing here is dependency. You interpret the world in some way, whether it is or not, and your role in it in a certain way as well. You see yourself as unable to be what you feel you should be or need to be in that particular situation, and hope someone will do it for you (someone to lean on, take the reigns).

Well you can reprogram yourself to be more independent in that situation and to see it differently. Your worth is not on the line. You are making the choices - whether you 'make it' or fail, whether it takes a lot of mistakes to do it well or not, doesn't need to matter. That is your choice, how you think about it.

You could tell yourself "I'll take it easy on myself for this, because it seems that somewhere along the line I got used to leaning on others to help me do what I could do for myself, but now that I am older, I can try it for myself without guilt or shame in how I perform. The point is: doing it oneself and not looking around to be saved."

And then you congratulate yourself for all your accomplishments along the way. You treat yourself, with practice, like someone worthy of all the things and recognition that you may have denied yourself along the way.

It takes work, it's life long, but I have found that once you learn, teach yourself, certain things, it sticks. Problems still arise but it is not seen the same, it is seen as obstacles and not as personal deficiencies. You gradually accept yourself and your life as it has been in the light of reason and reality, not only childhood and adult emotion and interprettation, and it gets so much easier to treat yourself right. In fact, you don't want to turn back.

I really do think that self worth comes mostly from a feeling of self mastery and self understanding and self reliance. ALL things you can control and work on.

good luck. hope this helps a bit.

I was made fun of pretty much my entire school career. When I was very little because I was shy, to when I was older when people made fun of me for the way I look. Plus I have a learning disability and so my sister was always telling me that I was too stupid to go anywhere in life. And my dad killed myself when I was a little kid, so I have a hard time trusting people. I also don't think that any man can possibly love me if my father didn't. So now I feel stupid, ugly, and unworthy of love. Plus I still get told I am ugly, but that's another whole topic. So I know my insecurities are definitely from my childhood.