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Hey All, first time poster here. Glad I found this place, I'm definitely in need of some advice, knowledge & support:

 

Backstory: I am a 37 year old male, happily married, no children... I guess most would describe me as a really Good Guy (Loyal, generous, successful, hardworking, happy-go-lucky) but benneath the surface I'm still haunted by the memory of my first love. Haven't had any contact with the ex for 12 years, but I still think of her all the time.... Unfortunately I'm an extremely poor sleeper, and this is when I think of her the most. Night after night for 10plus years.

 

I'm concerned, because I have noticed an increase in my feelings lately. I have even started to gather information on the net in order to possibly contact her. I guess this could be related to a number of issues... which I can get into later. I'm extremely lucky to have my wife, I feel guilty writing all this, but at the same time, I really want to feel better. I've been feeling extremely guilty, depressed & very confused.

 

I just want to know why I'm still haunted by this person. In reality I know I can never have her back... but why am I still so secretly Heart-Broken all these years later ???

 

Hope I can find the help I'm looking for here, I'm willing to be be completely honest with myself however painful it might be...

 

Thanks!!!

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You're "happily married" but continue to pine over an ex, are actively planning on contacting on and think about getting back with her?

 

What about your wife?

 

That is the irony I guess... I have a great life, and a great wife. She knows all about my history with the ex, heck she was the one that helped me get over her and move on with my life in the first place. She does not however know about my secret obsession right now, and that is why I'm in need of some Help. Believe me, I feel guilty as H*/ll right now... I just want to know why I can't get past this???

 

ps- just because I'm having these issues, doesn't make me a bad husband or person... does it?

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You can't get past it because you aren't allowing yourself to get past it. Actively gathering information on how to contact her is not the actions of someone who wants to move on. Were there unanswered questions that you had after the breakup? Did you give yourself enough time between you old and your current relationship? In what way did your wife "help you get over" your old relationship?

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Under what circumstance did your relationship end 12 years ago?

 

You say you're "happily married" but you're still thinking of a past love? Are there any recent changes that have placed a stress on your marriage?

 

When it ended, I basically felt like my world was destroyed. Dropped out of school, depression, substance abuse, self medication, suicidal thoughts, you name it. I just loved this person so much, I put everything I had into it... I was very young and overly romantic.

 

Specifically, the relationship was flawed and we had mutually decided to take some time apart. Not to see other people but to finish up school and pay more attention to ourselves. We had both become lost in the relationship. The plan was to re-evaluate after graduation, and start fresh. I learned that she had in fact slept with someone else, and the news absolutely crushed me. Since that day, something inside me changed forever. It felt like a death, but in reality it seemed worse, it wasn't death but total rejection.

 

This is still hard to write about... I thought I had moved-on, but I'm stuggling right now. I know I can never have this person back... and I don't want to hurt my wife, but I just want to understand why I'm still haunted?

 

Recent changes, yes there have been a couple I guess? My wife has been working out-of-town Monday thru Friday, and I've been alone a lot. I'm also at a stage in life where I've accomplished all the things I set out to do (education, career, home, marriage etc.)...

 

I used to be a wild & crazy, spontanious, romantic... I made a complete 180 after that break-up, and now 10 plus years later I feel somewhat empty and very confused.

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What are you obsessing about specifically? That might give a clue about what is going on.

 

Obviously, what you need to do is stop feeding the obsession.

 

I obsess over numerous things when it comes to the ex, I guess. Why I wasn't good enough. Betrayal. Basically, I just miss her and the good times we used to have. One minute I spending my life savings on a diamond ring, the next minute she is gone. In reality I know it never would have worked long term, but for some reason, I can't let go. A big part of me just still loves her, or the memory of her... I don't know whats going on any more.

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You can't get past it because you aren't allowing yourself to get past it. Actively gathering information on how to contact her is not the actions of someone who wants to move on. Were there unanswered questions that you had after the breakup? Did you give yourself enough time between you old and your current relationship? In what way did your wife "help you get over" your old relationship?

 

Wow, this is some heavy sh*/t to try and express... Mostly I think I'm after some form of validation from her or something. When it ended she told me how great I was, and how I deserved someone better than her. How I was perfect & it wasn't me it was her. She was my ideal, I just can't get her image to go away. The reason I've recently attempted to look her up, is more out of curiosity I think, it has been so many years... I just want to see how her life turned out.

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because u truly loved her! Did she loved u back? No right?

 

Who valued you? who was the one who acceptedd you when u were totally broken, "ur wife". right!

 

First one was ur infactuation and u were totally in flew of ur emotions, ur wife is the one, who loved u so much that she accepted u not only with ur past but also supported u to get over her!

 

Just think for a moment, who was there for you when u were down, broken, needed someones help?

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Recent changes, yes there have been a couple I guess? My wife has been working out-of-town Monday thru Friday, and I've been alone a lot. I'm also at a stage in life where I've accomplished all the things I set out to do (education, career, home, marriage etc.)...

 

This could be the reason why you're thinking of your past. Your wife is gone most of the week. I imagine that you're probably feeling very lonely...have you communicated any of this to your wife?

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Congrats on deciding to go seek someone who is trained for this.

Think that would help. And this is now threatening and encroaching on your life and marriage now, so good move.

 

I think when you do begin to speak to someone about this it will open a huge can of worms. Which you can deal with and do deserve to deal with.

 

I wish you the best of success.

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because u truly loved her! Did she loved u back? No right?

 

Who valued you? who was the one who acceptedd you when u were totally broken, "ur wife". right!

 

First one was ur infactuation and u were totally in flew of ur emotions, ur wife is the one, who loved u so much that she accepted u not only with ur past but also supported u to get over her!

 

Just think for a moment, who was there for you when u were down, broken, needed someones help?

 

You are so right Man'. I have a great Wife indeed! Again, this is the irony here. My wife would vote me "Husband of the year" for the last 10 years. She loves me to death, I'm beyond Lucky. In a way, she is everything I ever wanted... I'm trying to find out why I'm still secretly obsessed/infatuated with the other girl.

 

My wife is a saint, I know she deserves better than this. For the record I have never cheated, and I'm deeply devoted to my wife.

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This could be the reason why you're thinking of your past. Your wife is gone most of the week. I imagine that you're probably feeling very lonely...have you communicated any of this to your wife?

 

My buddy at work said the same thing. Stating the recent change in living conditions has definitely contributed to this. Actually I have, sort of conveyed this to my wife. We talked about it over dinner last night. I spoke more of missing my past, and youth & the college days... that sort of thing.

 

In a way, my wife was probably reading me between the lines anyway. My wife saw the damage that relationship had done to me when we first met. She witnessed up close what I was going thru. She may of also been a little insecure about it as well. Like she would never measure up to that sort of thing.

 

I swear, I'm the worlds worst sleeper, I have been my entire life. I dream of this old love every f*/cking night... I'm so frustrated right now!

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Congrats on deciding to go seek someone who is trained for this.

Think that would help. And this is now threatening and encroaching on your life and marriage now, so good move.

 

I think when you do begin to speak to someone about this it will open a huge can of worms. Which you can deal with and do deserve to deal with.

 

I wish you the best of success.

 

Thanks my friend. Very much appreciate the kind words and good advice.

 

I wish I could better articulate what the old girlfriend meant to me. I was so head over heals in love, it was beyond ridiculous. A big part of the problem here, is that I created this girl in my mind years before I ever even met her (if that makes any sense ???)...

 

I had dreamed her up, and obsessively fantasized about the idea of someone like her for acouple of years. In reality, She was even better than I had imagined. She fulfilled all my fantasies and then some. The looks, the smile, the attitude, total dreamgirl. I feel like such a idiot, why can't I let go?

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i think at some point in most of our lifes we look back and wonder what might have been? something from long ago that seemed so good and felt so right but ended through whatever reasons. but for you it seems to me that you have become obsessed with the thoughts about your ex from 10 years ago.

 

i think there is something missing in your life. although you love your wife dearly and she loves you right back..but something is missing. for you to be thinking of this girl so much.

 

could it be that like all marriages /relationships..after time it becomes boring..i dont mean that to say like your bored with your wife, but day to day living, same old thing ect gets to most people i think so anyways.

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i think at some point in most of our lifes we look back and wonder what might have been? something from long ago that seemed so good and felt so right but ended through whatever reasons. but for you it seems to me that you have become obsessed with the thoughts about your ex from 10 years ago.

 

i think there is something missing in your life. although you love your wife dearly and she loves you right back..but something is missing. for you to be thinking of this girl so much.

 

could it be that like all marriages /relationships..after time it becomes boring..i dont mean that to say like your bored with your wife, but day to day living, same old thing ect gets to most people i think so anyways.

 

 

I've actually been feeling much better about this thing' the last couple of days... THANKS IN LARGE PART to this forum. I've been able to gain a little bit of perspective, and I definitely feel a strong sense of support here.

 

As stated earlier, at this stage of my life I'm feeling a little lost. I've been extremely blessed to have accomplished just about all my goals. Goals which were created in large part due to that painful break-up many years ago. I love all the positive changes I've made, and all the things I've accomplished... but it has left me a bit directionless' right now. That coupled with my wife and I being apart M-F really escalated this situation.

 

The ex is still in my mind, but it doesn't feel as painful today. I think guilt & not understanding why this was happening was the thing that was really driving me nuts. I feel like I have a better grasp of the big-picture right now. The thoughts of the ex, are very much thoughts of my Youth as well... not just her. At this stage of life, it is okay to revisit these powerful memories, but in a healthy way.

 

I'm trying to look back and enjoy the good memories, (memories & experiences I was lucky to have) not obsess on the "why", and "what could have been". A lot of this had to do with lingering jealousy, resentment & basically a crushed ego... I'm really trying to have an attitude of grattitude right now.

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Hi there,

Please excuse me if I am w-a-a-y off here but could it be that you are not necessarily missing your ex but the person YOU used to be when you were with her -- "wild, crazy, spontaneous, romantic" compared to who you are now -- "empty, confused" and perhaps feeling too settled, not wild, not crazy, not spontaneous, and unromantic?

 

Just my two cents.

 

That said, I agree with the poster above who suggested that you set new goals and seek the help of a professional. Also, I am glad to hear you are feeling better.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Hey Ellie,-- Thanks for the response... I think your assessment is very accurate. I definitely miss' the "old me". Unfortunately, I'm pretty much an extremist in everything I do, always have been.

 

When I was young, I was a total wild child. I tried to live life like a great movie. When I would fall in love, I would take it to extreme measures. I would spoil all my girlfriends, and make them feel like the best thing in the world! When I'd party, I would take that to crazy, insane levels as well. All those wonderful freedoms of youth eventually caught up with me, and I seriously put my future in jeopardy.

 

My ex's mother had a lot to do with the breakup back then. She was a super strict authoritarian type. As much as she liked me at first, as soon as she realized her daughter was with a "Bad-Boy" she turned on me. Her interference really hurt, because I thought we were allies at first. In the end, she didn't think I was good enough for her daughter, and that was an agonizing pill to swallow. I was losing the love of my life, and also being made to feel like a failure & loser. The deep rejection scarred & changed me.

 

But I shocked everyone and made a complete turnaround with my life. Unfortunately I still take everything to the extreme... Now all I do is commute, work, take care of the house/dog, my life is completely different... Successful sure, but kinda boring, especially compared to the way I used to be.

 

I'm still somewhat confused why I'm obsessing on this old girlfriend. I feel like something is wrong with my brain sometimes... I just can't let it go. I hate to say it, but I just still cry & miss her so much sometimes, even after all these years. I know in my heart that things worked out for the best, and I truly understand that me and the ex can never be together again, but it still hurts.

 

Sorry so long, thanks for your kind words.

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Hey Ellie,-- Thank You so much for taking the time to help me out, I sincerely appreciate it!

 

Lets see, some of this is hard to express... I'll try to answer all these questions in the most honest way I can.

 

I guess I must be going through some type of mid-life crisis thing here, because some of the things that are bothering me, are not directly related to the ex... like you stated, I made so many huge changes all at once back then. The problem was all the things that really defined me (being romantic, spontaneous, wild, etc.) started getting me in real trouble. I needed to make changes.

 

The changes were pretty radical. I dropped out of school, I met a girl that treated me the way I tried to treat the ex (real love, respect, acceptance, understanding, etc.) and we moved far, far away. I felt so guilty pouring my heart out to this new girl (my current wife) about the ex, but I didn't know any other way. I thought I was going through the natural grieving process.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife dearly... but I "used her" in a way. I knew she was the best thing for me and my planned "turn-a-round". She believed in me, and together I knew I could save my future & make a great life. I'm very, very loyal to those that "get-my-back" so to speak... and at the same time, I will totally cut those off that betray me.

 

Right before I moved away. I had one last meeting with the ex. My wife was a little upset at the time, but she understood that we had been through a lot... and I needed to say good-bye, and put some closure on this thing. Anyway, for the first time ever... I really tore into the ex. Telling her all about the new girl, and how she treated me so great. How I deserved so much better than the way you treated me. The ex didn't believe I was seriously moving away, she just couldn't believe I was really leaving. She said something like, "You aren't leaving because you'll always be in love with me, no matter what I do, you'll always want to have me back". Those words hurt so much because I knew they were true to some extent.

 

I had been pushed too far, and treated so badly by the ex... I moved away and started a whole new life. Secretly still deeply wounded internally... I used the pain and rejection as motivation.

 

For some reason, (and this is why I think professional therapy is probably the best option for me) the worse the ex treated me, the more attracted, obsessed, infatuated etc. I became. I would love to know the psychology behind that.

 

As for looking the ex up now, I'm really confused. I talked with my father briefly about this, and he begged me not to. Stating "Please, anybody but her". "Something about that girl always brought out the worst in you". I very recently did some snooping around the internet, and found out that the ex is married and has three kids. I'm not sure what to make of this news. Part of me is hurt (yet again)... but it also does put more closure to the thing in a way.

 

Sorry so long, ... it feels good to get some of this out!

 

Thank You so much for your help!

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I am in the exact same boat as you, I have been married for 3 years and with my lovley husband for 7 years. I recently been going throught the same issues of thinking about my ex and having dreams and looking info up...I dont know whay I to love my husband so sos sos sos so much but I have no idea why these dreams and thoughts are haunting me. We should talk cause I am so confused too.

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I think this has definetely something to do with boredom. It seems you're not entirely satisfied with who you are/ your life at the moment. It seems you're placing all your feelings of excitement in your ex at the moment. Ifit really came down to leaving her for your ex would you go through with it?

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I am in the exact same boat as you, I have been married for 3 years and with my lovley husband for 7 years. I recently been going throught the same issues of thinking about my ex and having dreams and looking info up...I dont know whay I to love my husband so sos sos sos so much but I have no idea why these dreams and thoughts are haunting me. We should talk cause I am so confused too.

 

Hey jjjmuskateers,-- I'm new to the forum, but I've found it extremely helpful thanks to some great feedback so far. Just knowing that others are going through similar (in our case, wow nearly identical) situations has calmed me down a lot.

 

About a week ago when I first started this thread, I was in real bad shape. I was having some border-line irrational thoughts. I think the very poor sleeping, endless thoughts of the ex thing during the night really pushed me over the edge. Playing old memories (both good & bad) over & over & over in my head was starting to take a toll. This has happened countless times over the years, but it really intensified, and that is what brought me to this forum.

 

Thanks to this poster I met (lifestream) I can honestly say I'm feeling a little better today. He pointed me in the direction of some beautiful, meaningful poetry, (“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.” - W. Somerset Maugham) that absolutely captures the essense of what we are going through right now.

 

I've been dealing with this Heart-Break, Guilt, Confusion & Frustration for many, many years... all in deep secrecy, I understand how you Feel.

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I think this has definetely something to do with boredom. It seems you're not entirely satisfied with who you are/ your life at the moment. It seems you're placing all your feelings of excitement in your ex at the moment. Ifit really came down to leaving her for your ex would you go through with it?

 

Hey Katerimo,-- A couple of people have pointed this out, (the boredom/not satisfied with life thing), and I totally agree! I'm making too many associations of "my-old-self" with the ex gf in my mind... I working on seperating the two right now. Also, over the last 10-plus years I've put the ex on such an unrealisticly High Pedestal... It's Hard, but I'm really, really trying to be more realistic on this one as well.

 

Like I was saying to someone else, I'm at a stage in life where I've accomplished most of my goals (Career, Home, Marriage, etc.) ... Goals I never honestly thought I'd obtain when I was at rock-bottom. Goals that probably stemmed from my break-up to begin with. Plus my wife recently accepted a job where she leaves on monday mornings and returns friday evenings... I admit it, I'm a little lonely. The quiet house, and empty bed (see avatar) at night have left me somewhat unsettled.

 

 

Now the million dollar question. Would I really leave my wife for the ex if I had the chance??? Difficult question for sure, .... here is the honest answer. If the ex had wanted me back, years ago, before i was married... really hate to admit it, but probably YES. She cast one hell of a Love-Spell on me.... but today right now, given the opportunity, definitely not!!!

 

As for an Affair, or One-Night-Stand type thing... (I've never come close to cheating so this is a difficult question). If the ex was the aggressor, that might be really hard to turn down, thats a tough one. (maybe I'll start another thread on that scenario, good idea )

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