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Why do men just disappear?


longhaircats

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It wasn't the first time for me this has happen and seems that there are a lot of people here experiencing the similar thing, so I just wonder why do men disappear all the sudden.

 

In my cases it was always in the beginning of a relationship after we became intimate and getting close (I become more interested in the guys or attached) and a guy suddenly pull away. I know every guys are different, but am just curious....

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Its simple basically they want to eat without having to cook. So a guy is interested in the sex you are giving them. But they don't want the baggage of all the relationship drama,so basically you are used then thrown away. This is because you choose the wrong guys, you should be saying something like ' oh i don't want sex until after i marry' a guy that really loves you would be willing to wait, a guy that only wants sex would leave it at that. Which is a way for you to distinguish the guys who really care or just use you for your body.

 

You like cats by the way?

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This is because you choose the wrong guys, you should be saying something like ' oh i don't want sex until after i marry' a guy that really loves you would be willing to wait, a guy that only wants sex would leave it at that.

 

Robo - I've kinda done that. Told guys that I don't plan on being intimate until I'm positive the relationship is strong and told guys that I refuse to live with them before marriage. They do disappear quickly after that!

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It wasn't the first time for me this has happen and seems that there are a lot of people here experiencing the similar thing, so I just wonder why do men disappear all the sudden.

 

In my cases it was always in the beginning of a relationship after we became intimate and getting close (I become more interested in the guys or attached) and a guy suddenly pull away. I know every guys are different, but am just curious....

 

They don't disappear - it's just normal behavior early on - if you don't want to see the person for a third or fourth or sometimes fifth date you just stop calling. The difference is that somehow you believe that just because you choose to have casual sex the man somehow has more of an obligation to call you and see you again. I'm not sure where that expectation of yours comes from - did he promise exclusivity or to see you again on a specific day at a specific time?

 

It won't bother you as much not to hear after an early date if you decide not to have casual sex early on - because obviously you get attached from being intimate and then expect an insta-relationship - and that's not fair to the man, either.

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Well, I dated this guy for about a month and he decided to come to visit me in DC during holiday from UK. It thought he was moving too fast, but I liked him and I became more interested in him since we had such a great time. He disappeared after the trip.

 

My ex boyfriend did similar thing because he got scared (he told me later on). He thought I was out of his reach and could not have a relationship with me.

 

The other guy before him disappeared because I became too serious and he was not looking for anything serious. He tried to come back to sleep with me many times after that for like 3 years!!

 

robowarrior, yes I love cats.

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Well, I dated this guy for about a month and he decided to come to visit me in DC during holiday from UK. It thought he was moving too fast, but I liked him and I became more interested in him since we had such a great time. He disappeared after the trip.

 

My ex boyfriend did similar thing because he got scared (he told me later on). He thought I was out of his reach and could not have a relationship with me.

 

The other guy before him disappeared because I became too serious and he was not looking for anything serious. He tried to come back to sleep with me many times after that for like 3 years!!

 

robowarrior, yes I love cats.

 

Here's the thing - if you decide to be proactive and not permit someone to take things too fast, and not get intimate until you've been dating regularly for at least three months, you may find the disappearing act types disappear early on when they realize you won't sleep with them.

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I think men disappear because they just want to use someone to get something (sex), and when they got it, they're done and onto the next conquest.

 

That makes women sound passive -like victims - doesn't it take two to tango? A woman who agrees to have sex without a commitment and especially early on takes the risk that there won't be a continuation of dating or the relationship. There is less of a risk once you've been dating regularly for a few months, are exclusive and have taken things at a reasonable pace. There are no guarantees but if you read these boards for a few days - and speak to almost anyone - it is clear that people who have casual sex early on have a higher risk of the relationship just being a fling or one night stand than those who wait. It's also clear that certain women want the freedom to have casual s_x but also want the freedom to call the man a "jerk" for deciding afterwards not to pursue a relationship rather than taking the harder path - self-evaluation to determine whether they should hold off on sex since obviously they get attached from casual sex and feel badly after if the dating ends.

 

Obviously some people are fine with casual sex, can walk away with no expectations of more, etc - more power to them. If you're not one of those types it is far easier to call the other person a jerk than to critique whether your behavior showed good judgment.

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I've just had my first experience with a disappearing act - I really think it's just the man in question and not anything to do with men in general. Despite some bad situations, every man I've met up until the last one has been genuine - in the sense that he'll not just up and stop talking to me without saying he's through. Since this happened, I've talked to many many male friends, none of whom have ever and would ever feel comfortable just blowing someone off.

 

I think some people are content to have surface level relationships which assume no responsibility for the other person's feelings until many months into knowing them and some aren't - I'm beginning to think the trick is just working out which people are like you in how they relate to others. This doesn't need several months of chastity, just a clear head in evaluating others and their attitudes towards people. Which, admittedly, is somewhat harder to maintain without a certain degree of chastity...

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Not entirely related to the OP's question but where exactly is the line drawn and what is considered fair?

 

I think dating involves intimacy and as a man I think a girl likes me when we both get physically intimate. How can you possibly know if a girl likes you in that way at all? She may just like you as a friend, she may like your sense of humor, the way you talk etc.. but still not be sexually attracted. But when she gets physically intimate that is a sure sign that she likes the guy in that way.

 

Because of some very very bad experiences I have convinced myself that a girl likes me if and only if she gives herself to me. If you look around this site you can see how one of my female friends confused me so much. All the things she said and did did not matter... Only one thing mattered - whether she was sleeping with me or not. She didn't, and so the conclusion was that she didn't like me in that way.

 

Also, look at it from a guy's point of view. How long can he possibly keep taking the girl out and keep paying for the wine and dinners when there is nothing coming back from the girl? I don't think any man would be willing to give so much of his time, attention, and money to a girl without getting anything in return.

 

The guy can very easily say "I spent so much of my time and money on this girl and she has just disappeared". It does happen. The woman does not have any obligation to continue dating if she has lost the interest regardless of how much time and money the man has spent. I think it cuts both ways!

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It wasn't the first time for me this has happen and seems that there are a lot of people here experiencing the similar thing, so I just wonder why do men disappear all the sudden.

 

In my cases it was always in the beginning of a relationship after we became intimate and getting close (I become more interested in the guys or attached) and a guy suddenly pull away. I know every guys are different, but am just curious....

 

There is actually a dedicated word used to describe this: Poofing and interestingly enough, John Gray (Mars and Venus) has a website that devotes one section to this phenomenon....:scatter:

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And I believe that can only happen over time - after a few months of dating - smittendom tends to cloud the brain . .. . and chastity isn't required, simply choosing to save the "going all the way" until a few months in and until exclusivity - if you are the type to care if after casual sex there are no more dates or there is no relationship.

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Some women have sex because they like sex or are horny - nothing to do with the man. In contrast, I was engaged to a man who I dated for two years - we did not have sex - and I have had no interest in dating certain guys I played kissy face with many years ago.

 

I have been very sexually attracted but my values are that I wait to have sex until we are exclusively dating for at least a few months and there is strong potential for marriage. The fact that I am that attracted doesn't mean I act on it - just like I don't act on my desire for chocolate cake each time I have that desire.

 

I would not treat a woman to dinner if what you expect back is sex. If you like the idea of developing an emotional and physically intimate relationship, if you enjoy her company and what you are building together, and you feel like paying, then pay. I would say after the first several dates if you are dating steadily the woman should treat - if not half the time then close to half the time - and she should at least offer to treat by the second or third date at the latest. But, if you expect sex in return for buying dinners then maybe it's best for you to hire an escort so that you don't feel used by women who want to wait several months or longer before having sex.

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Here's the thing - if you decide to be proactive and not permit someone to take things too fast, and not get intimate until you've been dating regularly for at least three months, you may find the disappearing act types disappear early on when they realize you won't sleep with them.

 

I don't consider sleeping on the 5th date is too fast. In the past I slept with a guy on the 2nd date and we still had a long-term relationship. Sex is an important part in a relationship for me and I would like to know if we fit together in bed as well before getting involved exlusively.

 

I started to notice that 2 men out of 3 men who disappeared on me were "wounded" men who got hurt in the past relationship. I was just trying to understand if there any pattern in men who do this kind of behavior so that I can avoid them!

 

hosswhispra, thanks for the info on poofing. I will check it up.

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OK - if that works for you that's fine. For me it would be way too fast - and I do not believe that sexual compatibility is either there or it's not - especially early on, I would think (having never tried this) that the sex might not be that good because you are still essentially strangers to each other - so you can't tell whether with time, the sex would be better and include that emotional bond you can't have on a second date, which also, at least to me, makes it much better.

 

Sex is extremely important to me, too, but all I need to know by the 5th date is whether there is chemistry, attraction and I enjoy or desire to kiss him - I cannot imagine that sex, once we are exclusive and know each other at least a few months - ever could be bad. As far as the desire part, I am willing to hold off in the interests of increasing the chances that we will be together long term.

Of course you can have a long term relationship - or a long healthy marriage - where you have sex on the first date but typically the risk is much higher that you will get attached early on and that the man is not that interested in a long term relationship. and of course that early on you can't have the same assurances about STDs that you can later on. But, to each her own.

 

Most men I have met who say they are too scared to get involved again in a serious relationship are making excuses. They are simply not that into you for purposes of a long term relationship - they simply wanted to have a short fling and because they don't know you well and don't want to deal with the confrontation they try to let you down easy by telling you they are not ready for a relationship.

 

Since you do not want to wait to have sex, then you have to be willing to take the risk of getting attached that early on to men who might feel, in the initial dates that are filled with lust and sex, that they might be into you for the long term, but once the sex is over, they realize that the potential isn't there. We're all scared to get involved again - until we meet someone special.

 

I would also say that since you are eager to have sex early on you are more likely to attract men who are not looking for a serious relationship and since you are willing and eager they figure they don't need to tell you that since no promises have been made.

 

You also increase the risk - and it's an unfair double standard, I know - that the man will not view you as relationship material because you slept with him quickly and he figures you do that a lot. Obviously since you are so into having sex early on that type of man would not be for you at all - and the double standard isn't fair of course.

 

All of this is not to suggest you change - you have your priorities when it comes to sex and that is your perogative - but what is happening is one of the trade offs of your approach, in my humble opinion. Good luck.

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Betya33, I understand your point. I didn't think it was too fast, because during the 5 dates (about a month), we exchanged a lot of emails and we talked online almost every day as well, and I felt emortional connection with him. We became intimate the day before I went on holiday and we didn't see each other for 2 weeks, then he decided to fly accross the ocean to see me after the new year. (I posted the thread about this in fact)

 

I'm by far a dating expart. In fact I'd been in long-term relationships in most of my adult life since I was 17 (am 37 now) and I married to my college sweet heart. I had no clue of dating culture when I first moved to the US and found out that things are very different from where I am from. We don't have such thing as exclusive since all relationship/dating are exclusive. Some do date multiple people but they are called players and ordinaly people only date one person at a time.

 

I will take your advice and wait for a bit longer next time.

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For me it is important to get to know someone over a period of time - you cannot get to know someone in a month even if you spend 24/7 because you won't see how they react -to you and to others in a myriad of situations that can only happen over a period of time - in one month you probably did not - meet his family, all of his closest friends, his business colleagues, at business events, after a boy's night out, with your family, see what he was like with a cold, or what he was like to you when you were sick (or not more than once, right?), see how he treated you when he had insomnia, when he had a great day at work, when he had a terrible day at work, when his favorite sport is on, etc etc.

 

You get a snapshot and one that is clouded by smittendom and infatuation - over a period of months, in contrast, you get to see him when the smittendom period fades a bit, and you see what it is like for the two of you to integrate each other at a reasonable pace into your already existing lives.

 

I have dated multiple people at a time - no s_x involved - it was considered normal before you decided to be exclusive. With my current bf, we dated many years ago, reconnected a bit over a year ago, were exclusive again basically from the beginning and waited to have s_x for 2 months (a short time for me) in part to get to know each other again and in part so he could be tested where the tests would be accurate.

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I have the same problem with men it just sucks doesn't it. Guess we need to move on and meet new people. Makes me sick they sleep with you and all of a sudden you ask yourself was it me? NO it's him with the problem.

 

Why is it wrong for a man to have casual sex with a woman and then decide not to call her? Sounds reasonable to me - sure he could call her - that would be nice - but I don't see where it is fair for a woman to expect a call just because she agreed to have sex with a man she'd only known for a short time. I agree he shouldn't cancel dates or stand her up but disappearing, while not the nicest thing, certainly is acceptable - he made no promises to her.

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People have different ideas of what's acceptable, and in my book it's not about whether you've had sex or not. Seeing someone romantically a number of times - regardless of level of physical intimacy - and then not letting that person know where they stand when it's over seems to me to be unkind, disrespectful, and just plain cheap. I wouldn't do it. None of my friends would do it.

 

In terms of sex: friends I've had who engaged in a lot of casual sex were doubly careful to be sure beforehand that both parties understood that whatever went on was just for fun. To me, that is treating the other person with respect and is the minimum of decent behaviour. Sure, no one has a right to assume sex = continuing to see each other, but the fact of the matter is that loads of people do, so why take a chance? If the person is cool with it being casual, fantastic. If they aren't, you don't have sex with someone who'll be upset by it and keep yourself out of a bad situation. Easy.

 

I understand there are people - like Batya - who disagree and set the bar much lower in terms of what's acceptable, and there's not going to be any uniform 'right' way of viewing the issue.

 

I think the trick for me to avoid being hurt again is NOT to change how I treat people - which is genuine and warm - but rather to be sure to look for people whose standards of what's fair play seem similar to my own. Looking back on my disappearing act, I could easily have worked out that we would probably disagree on what was acceptable this way early on - I was just enjoying being with him too much to back off because of it. Won't do that again, but also am going to try hard not to act cool or go in expecting to get hurt next time. Life's too short and many many people, in my experience anyway, are wonderful.

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Absolutely - let's agree to disagree. If I go on three dates with someone I don't feel obligated to call back if I am asked for another date and I am not interested in seeing him and vice versa - silence=lack of interest. I don't think sex or intimacy changes what is acceptable but I do think some women in particular have casual sex, then regret it, and then call the guy a jerk just because he doesn't call after a few dates rather than facing up to the fact that what they really felt badly about was their behavior.

 

To me unless there is an agreement of exclusivity or a specific plan to see each other again, the sex is presumably casual when it happens within the first few dates. I agree that typically after 4 or 5 dates it is the right thing to do to let the person know where he or she stands.

 

But - obviously you are entitled to your approach and I am sure you will make your expectations clear so there is no misunderstanding.

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  • 2 years later...

Maybe I am a minority here, but I disappear if I feel I'd only be a burden to her. Sometimes, as I get to know her, I realize she is way too good for me and I leave before we get more attached. I think "Wow, this girl really is great. The poor thing. I would only hurt her or bring her down and she could do A LOT better."

 

It may seem at the surface that I have self-esteem issues. I don't. I just know my place. I am not a good person and I don't have a good heart. I always think bad thoughts of people. I always root for the bad guy (in real life situations), and I am only entertained by tragic news of others' suffering. A girl who has a good heart has no business dealing with me. I've met several girls who wanted to "save" me, but I told them I'm too far gone for that. It's not their job to clean up the mess I have become, it's mine. I've tried a couple times to get with girls who had a hero complex, but it ended with tragic results.

 

There are guys out there like me who'd love to destory women, but that is my soft spot. If I meet someone who is genuinely sweet and kind-hearted, I know the best thing to do is run as far as possible.

 

Wow, I totally digressed. Sorry.

 

The flip-side of the coin is...when I realize a girl is emotionally immature and just plays games, I'll disappear without notice.

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  • 1 year later...

Tragedy

 

I am in the middle of situation that after 5 months dating and getting more and more intimate, the guy simply disappear. On the night before he disappear, he told me that he is a bad person and that I am a naive girl. He also knows that Im battling anxiety and was very supportive about that. We shared many secrets talk heart to heart and he suddenly went poof. Vanishing.

 

He said the similar things you wrote here. Could it be that he is feeling that I am a good girl and don't want to hurt me?

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