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Thread: Why do men just disappear?

  1. #1
    longhaircats
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    Why do men just disappear?

    It wasn't the first time for me this has happen and seems that there are a lot of people here experiencing the similar thing, so I just wonder why do men disappear all the sudden.

    In my cases it was always in the beginning of a relationship after we became intimate and getting close (I become more interested in the guys or attached) and a guy suddenly pull away. I know every guys are different, but am just curious....

  2. #2
    robowarrior
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    Its simple basically they want to eat without having to cook. So a guy is interested in the sex you are giving them. But they don't want the baggage of all the relationship drama,so basically you are used then thrown away. This is because you choose the wrong guys, you should be saying something like ' oh i don't want sex until after i marry' a guy that really loves you would be willing to wait, a guy that only wants sex would leave it at that. Which is a way for you to distinguish the guys who really care or just use you for your body.

    You like cats by the way?

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    I'mThatGirl
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    [QUOTE=robowarrior;1407042]This is because you choose the wrong guys, you should be saying something like ' oh i don't want sex until after i marry' a guy that really loves you would be willing to wait, a guy that only wants sex would leave it at that.
    [QUOTE]

    Robo - I've kinda done that. Told guys that I don't plan on being intimate until I'm positive the relationship is strong and told guys that I refuse to live with them before marriage. They do disappear quickly after that!

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    Batya33
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    Quote Originally Posted by longhaircats [Register to see the link]
    It wasn't the first time for me this has happen and seems that there are a lot of people here experiencing the similar thing, so I just wonder why do men disappear all the sudden.

    In my cases it was always in the beginning of a relationship after we became intimate and getting close (I become more interested in the guys or attached) and a guy suddenly pull away. I know every guys are different, but am just curious....
    They don't disappear - it's just normal behavior early on - if you don't want to see the person for a third or fourth or sometimes fifth date you just stop calling. The difference is that somehow you believe that just because you choose to have casual sex the man somehow has more of an obligation to call you and see you again. I'm not sure where that expectation of yours comes from - did he promise exclusivity or to see you again on a specific day at a specific time?

    It won't bother you as much not to hear after an early date if you decide not to have casual sex early on - because obviously you get attached from being intimate and then expect an insta-relationship - and that's not fair to the man, either.

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    longhaircats
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    Well, I dated this guy for about a month and he decided to come to visit me in DC during holiday from UK. It thought he was moving too fast, but I liked him and I became more interested in him since we had such a great time. He disappeared after the trip.

    My ex boyfriend did similar thing because he got scared (he told me later on). He thought I was out of his reach and could not have a relationship with me.

    The other guy before him disappeared because I became too serious and he was not looking for anything serious. He tried to come back to sleep with me many times after that for like 3 years!!

    robowarrior, yes I love cats.

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    renaissancewoman101
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    I think men disappear because they just want to use someone to get something (sex), and when they got it, they're done and onto the next conquest.

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    Batya33
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    Quote Originally Posted by longhaircats [Register to see the link]
    Well, I dated this guy for about a month and he decided to come to visit me in DC during holiday from UK. It thought he was moving too fast, but I liked him and I became more interested in him since we had such a great time. He disappeared after the trip.

    My ex boyfriend did similar thing because he got scared (he told me later on). He thought I was out of his reach and could not have a relationship with me.

    The other guy before him disappeared because I became too serious and he was not looking for anything serious. He tried to come back to sleep with me many times after that for like 3 years!!

    robowarrior, yes I love cats.
    Here's the thing - if you decide to be proactive and not permit someone to take things too fast, and not get intimate until you've been dating regularly for at least three months, you may find the disappearing act types disappear early on when they realize you won't sleep with them.

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    Batya33
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    Quote Originally Posted by renaissancewoman101 [Register to see the link]
    I think men disappear because they just want to use someone to get something (sex), and when they got it, they're done and onto the next conquest.
    That makes women sound passive -like victims - doesn't it take two to tango? A woman who agrees to have sex without a commitment and especially early on takes the risk that there won't be a continuation of dating or the relationship. There is less of a risk once you've been dating regularly for a few months, are exclusive and have taken things at a reasonable pace. There are no guarantees but if you read these boards for a few days - and speak to almost anyone - it is clear that people who have casual sex early on have a higher risk of the relationship just being a fling or one night stand than those who wait. It's also clear that certain women want the freedom to have casual s_x but also want the freedom to call the man a "jerk" for deciding afterwards not to pursue a relationship rather than taking the harder path - self-evaluation to determine whether they should hold off on sex since obviously they get attached from casual sex and feel badly after if the dating ends.

    Obviously some people are fine with casual sex, can walk away with no expectations of more, etc - more power to them. If you're not one of those types it is far easier to call the other person a jerk than to critique whether your behavior showed good judgment.

  9. #9
    rosie76
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    I've just had my first experience with a disappearing act - I really think it's just the man in question and not anything to do with men in general. Despite some bad situations, every man I've met up until the last one has been genuine - in the sense that he'll not just up and stop talking to me without saying he's through. Since this happened, I've talked to many many male friends, none of whom have ever and would ever feel comfortable just blowing someone off.

    I think some people are content to have surface level relationships which assume no responsibility for the other person's feelings until many months into knowing them and some aren't - I'm beginning to think the trick is just working out which people are like you in how they relate to others. This doesn't need several months of chastity, just a clear head in evaluating others and their attitudes towards people. Which, admittedly, is somewhat harder to maintain without a certain degree of chastity...

  10. #10
    grymoire

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    Not entirely related to the OP's question but where exactly is the line drawn and what is considered fair?

    I think dating involves intimacy and as a man I think a girl likes me when we both get physically intimate. How can you possibly know if a girl likes you in that way at all? She may just like you as a friend, she may like your sense of humor, the way you talk etc.. but still not be sexually attracted. But when she gets physically intimate that is a sure sign that she likes the guy in that way.

    Because of some very very bad experiences I have convinced myself that a girl likes me if and only if she gives herself to me. If you look around this site you can see how one of my female friends confused me so much. All the things she said and did did not matter... Only one thing mattered - whether she was sleeping with me or not. She didn't, and so the conclusion was that she didn't like me in that way.

    Also, look at it from a guy's point of view. How long can he possibly keep taking the girl out and keep paying for the wine and dinners when there is nothing coming back from the girl? I don't think any man would be willing to give so much of his time, attention, and money to a girl without getting anything in return.

    The guy can very easily say "I spent so much of my time and money on this girl and she has just disappeared". It does happen. The woman does not have any obligation to continue dating if she has lost the interest regardless of how much time and money the man has spent. I think it cuts both ways!

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