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Do You Regret Cheating?


pacopaco

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do you regret it for you, or for the person you hurt? what did you find out about yourself? what did you find out about the other person (partner or cheating co-conspirator.) did you get over the regret? how long did it take, and did you try to get your partner back? did you stay with the person you cheated with, and was it all worth hurting someone else?

not asking to judge or to unsult, I'd like understanding.

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Yes I cheated on my hubby. Did I regret it, Yes to the point where I was having anxiety and panic attacks. i even had to be rushed to the hospital.

The thing with me was that I confessed right after it happened, but not the entire truth then had anxiety, I finally confessed the whole ugly truth today.

Do I feel better no but I think in the long run it was better for me to be totally honest or this would have haunted me forever.

 

Did you do the cheating or did someone cheat on you. Was it one time or was it an affair. As far as how long to get over the regret i cant answer that because its been almost 6 months and I still think about it.

I did not stay with the person I cheated with cause it was a one time thing.

But 12 years ago I cheated on my first husband with the man I am with now.

So I did stay with him. Was it worth hurting my first husband it took me 3 years to get over the guilt, but my husband cheated on me too many times, so in a way he deserved it.

With my new hubby he has never cheated on me so it was not worth hurting him.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Great question and thread.

 

However, as I believe you are asking this question to gain some insight on what your EX is thinking/feeling:

 

As hard as this sounds, paco, I don't think either of our EX's really care. They made many choices, most of them ridiculous, insensative, and just plain wrong. Even after discussing (begging, pleading, crying, explaining, etc. - I am sure we both did it) they still made their decisions. At some point they might have true feelings of regret, but as of now I don't believe that they do.

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Great question and thread.

 

However, as I believe you are asking this question to gain some insight on what your EX is thinking/feeling:

 

As hard as this sounds, paco, I don't think either of our EX's really care. They made many choices, most of them ridiculous, insensative, and just plain wrong. Even after discussing (begging, pleading, crying, explaining, etc. - I am sure we both did it) they still made their decisions. At some point they might have true feelings of regret, but as of now I don't believe that they do.

 

i agree. if you are looking to understand how your SO could have cheated on you and if they feel bad about it...now is not the time.

 

they may regret hurting you...they may not. and worse, they may never fully comprehend just how much pain they have caused by their own selfish actions.

 

but that is not for you to worry about. really the only thing you can do is move on with your life, and be happy. that really is the best revenge. to move on and be happy and successful and never look back.

 

because on some weird level, as i am discovering with my ex-wife, they would be perfectly happy if you stayed miserable and alone, pining after them for the rest of your life.

 

they made the choice because they seem to think it's all about them. they don't have the vision or depth to understand that they hurt alot of people, most of all you.

 

let it go...it's best to just let it go.

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they may never fully comprehend just how much pain they have caused by their own selfish actions.

 

so true, I never cheated, but still broke-up with a great partner of 7 years because I was wondering if I was ready to settle down, etc. Even that has to feel very awful-its just like saying "I'd rather be with other women than you - bye."

 

Its betrayal of a committed partnership but without the dishonesty.

 

People on this website break-up and when they hear their ex is dating again - that seems as this is when the big pain starts kicking in.

 

I mean I knew she was hurt. I could tell that the more she tried to save the situation the more she was hurting. I did my best to minimize her pain and through just a wee bit of phone contact. And that ended becasue she kept hanging on. I wasn't repulsed. I was worried for her. She wanted our old relationship[ back. I had changed. It wasn't going to happen.

 

Now, (20 years hence) even 'though I have been cheated on twice (well more than twice but by two different "commited partners") I, CANTEXPLAIN, DID NOT COMPREHEND THE GRAVITY OF PAIN AND INABILTY FOR THE ONE BEING ABANDONED TO EXPLAIN THIS GRAVITY OF PAIN until following cyprian's experience.

 

It must be even more incomprehensible to the cheater, I'm thinking. I don't believe they will know until at least they feel as deep of a love and are then betrayed - and as in cyprian's case, lied to or misled.

 

I feel so bad lately about how my partner of 7 years must have felt.

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I, CANTEXPLAIN, DID NOT COMPREHEND THE GRAVITY OF PAIN AND INABILTY FOR THE ONE BEING ABANDONED TO EXPLAIN THIS GRAVITY OF PAIN until following cyprian's experience.

 

It must be even more incomprehensible to the cheater, I'm thinking. I don't believe they will know until at least they feel as deep of a love and are then betrayed - and as in cyprian's case, lied to or misled.

 

Wow - I am learning, on a very deep level, from you, CANTEXPLAIN, learning from ME, CYPRIAN! Circle of learning? Weird.

 

If you comprehended this all only after following my experience, maybe all I have to do is show the EX all of these posts, and then she will comprehend it as well, without having to (as you posted above) "feel as deep of a love and [] then [be] betrayed - and as in cyprian's case, lied to or misled."

 

You might say that she deserves to experience it herself though - a sort of karma - but I would rather her not go through the pain herself. I would rather her learn from my pain (even though she caused my pain) instead!

 

I think the ability to learn from others instead of experiencing everything yourself is ideal. This way, one doesn't experience the horrible feelings and pain associated with actually experiencing "everything". I assume most would respond to this by saying that it is the associated pain and emotions that cause people to learn...but in my case, I can imagine the pain, and I can thus learn from it without experiencing. It may be true that many people cannot do this...they need to experience everything first-hand in order to learn from it. Maybe I also need to experience everything first-hand, and I am just tricking myself into believing that I can learn from others experiences...who's signature is it that says something along those lines - not having to experience something to learn from it?

 

Anyway, the truth is that I think SHE does (and most cheaters do) regret cheating. The "regret" and the reasons for that regret are where we run into some problems, however. I think one can regret something for all the wrong (immoral, selfish, f***ed up) reasons...

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i regret it more than anything i've ever done wrong in my life....

 

I had the best, most loving relationship and I messed it up. Yes, he gave me a second chance. I blew that chance. He even gave me a third and forth chance (WHY!!? and how could i be so stupid to blow it?)

 

I learned that he wasn't the ONE for me... if he was, i never would have had the temptation. Who knows, maybe he is still the one(we're still very close friends), but at that time in my life, it wasn't meant to be

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jen...

 

there is no "one"....

 

people are just that...people. we are imperfect and full of baggage and damage...

 

you are right...he may have not have been right for you at that time in your life...

 

but also...temptation is always out there. it's always a part of our lives. the part that makes us responsible mature adults is the ability to recognize that temptation...and walk away from it.

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puppeteer...you are on my One To Watch on ENA List.

 

I don't regret cheating..only insofar as its made ME paranoid, sometimes.

 

But at least if I get cheated on, I'm an expert in doing it back.

 

At least I wasn't married to any of the people I screwed over.

 

And quite a few forgave me anyway.

 

I only REALLY regret telling them...wasn't infidelity bad enough for me..apparently not.

 

Sigh!

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If one doesn't regret cheating, it tells me two things:

 

1) They have never truly been betrayed before

2) They are selfish and their character is flawed

 

Saying this, I would NEVER cheat on anyone...if for some reasons I really felt the need to 'cheat' or have an affair, I would simply take some time to break off my current relationship, like a mature human being, and then move on to the next.

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thanks antilove...

 

personally i don't think anyone can truly say they would "never" cheat...

 

i would like to think that i would never cheat, and to date have never done so...

 

but life is not absolute and situations can arise to make anyone question their morals and ethics. as i said...temptation is always out there....it's how you deal with it.

 

as for not feeling regret, i don't think that is true about you. if you didn't feel any regret over people you've hurt in the past...why be on ENA?

 

your heart is more caring than you may give it credit for antilove.

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personally i don't think anyone can truly say they would "never" cheat...

 

I think that it might have been possible for me to cheat in the future BEFORE, but now since I have gone through my recent experience, I would NEVER subject any human to this pain...never...

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If you comprehended this all only after following my experience, maybe all I have to do is show the EX all of these posts, and then she will comprehend it as well, without having to (as you posted above) "feel as deep of a love and [] then [be] betrayed - and as in cyprian's case, lied to or misled."

 

At the time of my break-up with my first love, I understood and loved her in a way to know that she was hurt. Then later in my life when people abandoned me, I understood even more deeply how much I hurt her. But his was your first love, cyprian, as she and I were one another's first love. Reading your posts, knowing the the pain, empathizing with you, and understanding that you are in the shoes she was - plus after 20 more years of accumulated wisdom - yes, I have a much deeper understanding of what happened to us, and how she must have felt.

 

Moreover, I did not cheat on her - so I can barely imagine how you must feel.

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I think that it might have been possible for me to cheat in the future BEFORE, but now since I have gone through my recent experience, I would NEVER subject any human to this pain...never...

 

Yes I can say I would never cheat. If I even thought of it I'd do a great big 180 back to my mate and examine what is wrong - work on it - if I couldn't fix it in me, or us in us, then I'd break it off and then pursue my next love interest. She could rest assuredly that I have not ever tasted this cheating thing. And I could look her in the eye and say "I would never, ever cheat on you." I think this is a great thing to be able to take into a relationship.

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because on some weird level, as i am discovering with my ex-wife, they would be perfectly happy if you stayed miserable and alone, pining after them for the rest of your life.

 

they made the choice because they seem to think it's all about them. they don't have the vision or depth to understand that they hurt alot of people, most of all you.

 

Yes this is so true. My future brother in law’s ex is like this. She had it made in the shade, she never had to lift a finger, he worked, came home, cleaned the house, made dinner, all those shamrocks and shenanigans. She still managed to bollocks it up by cheating on him with an inmate on a day pass!! Yeah, he left that night (my FBIL came home and essentially walked in on it). So now he’s happily moved on and remarried and he had both of his daughters living with him, (they wanted to be with him) and she’s lonely. She never misses a chance to make stabs at him when she talks to his new wife and she happens to know what she’s up to so she shakes her head and agrees to get her off the phone. She vainly attempts to make him miserable like she is and it must drive her nuts that he has moved on while she is no better than she was when he left!! When my father cheated on my mother and my ex cheated on me, they both gave the same frail excuses. Be thankful that you can’t reason with a cheater, that means your chances of being one are greatly lessened!!

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it could be said that its better to have loved and lost than never had to love at all... i think many men (and women?) would regret if discovered - if noone gets hurt do they still regret it??? I doubt it.

 

 

only those who don't feel uncomfortable keeping the reality of infidelity from their committed partner - and don't have the depth of spirit and character to feel the loss of true intimacy - so yes, for those it is fine if they don't "get caught".

 

But what about the other?

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I would never, ever cheat on anyone. Even before being cheated on, I know in my heart that I could never do that to someone. I have no respect for it.

 

My ex cheated on me, then had an affair, then cheated on me while we were in therapy trying to work things out. She lost all respect for me, and I did nothing wrong to her. Never harmed her, never hurt her, only loved her.

 

It's sad to see such a sweet girl leave my life, but she had a pattern of cheating, but would never own up to it. She cheated on her first bf, and then the next one, and then then next one (me). I'm sure her new flame will have it coming soon enough. When she ended it with me this week, she seemed to have no feelings of guilt, remorse, or pain. My sobbing on her shoulder as I hugged her goodbye did nothing to a girl that had loved me for 4 years. All I can do now is not talk to her.

 

I know the reason she went away was from the guilt of cheating on me the first time, but I had forgiven her. It was easier to walk away that to try to forgive herself.

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My ex cheated on me, then had an affair, then cheated on me while we were in therapy trying to work things out. She lost all respect for me, and I did nothing wrong to her. Never harmed her, never hurt her, only loved her.

 

It's sad to see such a sweet girl leave my life, but she had a pattern of cheating, but would never own up to it.

 

I am sorry you experienced this.

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I think if I say I don't regret it I'll be hated lol but I don't. The girl that I cheated on my ex with ended up being my girlfriend for 3 years and I wouldn't change that. We had a good time and I think we were really good for eachother.

 

 

I am curious. How would cheaters feel about their life in hindsight if they first ended a relationship with the ex before starting the next? Is that a possibility? Or pointless? Would it make a difference to them? Their ex? The next girl ? Anyone in their future?

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I am curious. How would cheaters feel about their life in hindsight if they first ended a relationship with the ex before starting the next? Is that a possibility? Or pointless? Would it make a difference to them? Their ex? The next girl ? Anyone in their future?

 

this is a good question....why does the cheater have to have the affair?....why can't they leave the primary relationship first?...are they not secure enough to truly be on their own...and handle it if the affair doen't work out?...affairs seem so selfish...

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The internet is great isn't it... you can be truthful without the people you are telling to judge you in the rest of your life...

 

I cheated on my ex-boyfriend. I regret it NOW... but i understand why I did it. I cheated because i was to scared to say goodbye to him. I loved him with all my heart, but i truly wasn't happy anymore. It was an insecurity on my part, and I do feel bad that i let it get to the point that I had to hurt him like that. Live and learn right?

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Im still with the guy i cheated on my ex-boyfriend with... and we're still very happy. I know dr phils line "past behavior is a sure sign of future behavior" ... but i dont always believe it. I do believe that if someone cheats on YOU it is OVER. Ive never gotten back with a guy i've cheated on... Its a sure sign that its over.

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