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Update-Lack of sex with BF-we had a talk!


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This is an update to the thread "learning to accept the lack of sex"

 

Last night he was reading and I was feeling that I wanted to be close to him. So I grabbed him around his belly area.. then out of the blue he says "Im so fat and I can't stop eating!".... I am thinking ... W*T*? So I said "where in the flying hell did that come from?" and he said... "I don't know"... So.. I stopped, rolled over and grabbed my book. I figured that was a "not now honey". By the way he is NOT fat at all.. he is very slender.

 

A few min goes by and I tell him that I am feeling really bad about the lack of sex in our relationship. He seems exasperated and tells me that this must really be a problem in our relationship because I keep bringing it up. I said "um ya think?"...

 

So I just down right asked him everything I could think of... are you attracted to me? He says Yes... I said "do you have some ideas about sex that maybe its a dirty thing".. he said "no".. I said.. do you have any religoius beliefs that would affect it. He says "no"...

 

Then I said.. Do you think that I think you are attractive? He says with a pause.. "I don't know"... I was so stunned! I said "my god.. you are the sexiest man in the world to me"... I told him that he really turns me on and that his entire body is beautiful in every way. He seemed to like that I said those things..

 

Then I said "remember that time you took me upstairs and threw me down on the bed?"... I told him I would love that more. He said "I guess I am not spontanteous in that area" then he preceeded to say "in my past relationships, the girl was the one to jump on me" and then he used an analogy. He said "I am like a Deisel car. I don't start to well but once I ge going, Im good"

 

I just about fell out of the bed. I felt so devastated. OBVIOUSLY we are not compatable in this area. Then he turned off the light, rolled over, hugged me and fell asleep in my arms. Ok, sounds real nice but I was feeling pretty bad. I went downstairs and walked around for a while in the dark and thought, is this something I can live with? We are good in every area but what do I do now?

 

This is really a tough one for me guys. I mean, maybe in 8 or 10 years, none of this sex stuff will matter because by then Ill be going through menopause and won't he be the lucky guy to not have to worry about this anymore.

 

so for the person in thread that said I was dealing with an unsexual person. Well, sorry.. I think I am. I have a month and a half to give my notice to my apartment complex. Lease will be up.

 

Question is.... do I stay with him and give up sex in my sexual peak with a man that is good in every other way or do I find someone else (if I do) and who knows what problems he will have right?

 

This is nobody's fault... there isn't a pill out there that can fix this. THIS IS HOW IT IS.

 

I feel horrible

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Everyone has their dealbreakers when it comes to relationships. I think the question is: how high do you value sex? Do you value it enough to end a relationship? I think some would and some wouldn't. It all depends on the wants and desires of the individual.

 

Is waiting 8 - 10 years for menopause to hit the right answer? Definitely not. So, consider whether or not a sexless or poor sex life is something you'll be able to handle.

 

The alternative is to make him want sex. How would you approach him with this, besides being direct? Is there an indirect way that could work?

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Im not sure how to "make someone want sex"... It appears to me that he just isn't that into sex in general. I personally have never met a man like this. So this is all new territory to me.

 

a few weeks back when we were travelling, we went out and I let him know I wasn't wearing any underwear under my skirt. I showed him and he said "NICE!"... but nothing that night.

 

I don't know how to make someone be into something that is just NOT in their nature to do...

 

And waiting for my sex drive to diminish is pretty sad isn't it. If I walk away.. I will walk away from someone I deeply love.

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Hey there again,

 

I really think this issue can be fixed. Unfortunately, you both come from different backgrounds. He is used to woman jumping all over him and you are used to men doing the initiating. But like I mentioned in the other thread, perhaps HE felt you were not as attracted to him, causing him to feel rejected and not initating. And he admitted it last night.

 

My BF makes comments about his "fat" all the time, it does not necessarily mean he is not in the mood, he is a bit self-conscience. And when he does do that, I try to be sensitive to his feelings about it and gently reassure him he is awesome, inside and out. And I prove it. I think we know what I am getting at.

 

I just think the both of you are getting frustrated at each other's lack of action, thus feeding the cycle. But from you wrote, he sounds very into you and attracted to you.

 

Perhaps couples therapy might help you get in sync?

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Throw him down like he did to you. Then don't take no for an answer. Make him want it.

 

No, I'm not suggesting rape him! I'm just saying, I wonder if that's what he meant when he said he's used to girls initiating things. Full force. It'll probably make him feel much better about himself if his low self esteem is the problem.

 

Hope you will give that a try, and see how that goes.

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I don't think it is just throwing him down that is going to solve anything here.

 

Yes, it will initiate things for that time but I think what Farandaway is feeling

that she is not being satisfied mentally and physically...

 

Farandaway, even when you do have sex does he participate or is just there?

Does he get into it and wants to satisfy you?

Does he get hot and just let loose ever?

 

I hope I am right about this. I can see that you feel unulfilled and maybe a little hurt by his actions.

 

Counseling might help to get him to open up. If he loves you as much as you say he does then he would want to see you satisfied and do whatever it took to do this...

 

It is difficult as you love him very much and is good for/to you in every way.

If sex is important to you can you be truly happy with this situation...

 

Will waiting years for you to like sex less make you happy?

How do you know in ten years you will not like/need sex as much..

 

I don't see how your feelings/desire for sex is this strong that it will diminish all that much...

 

ANother thing is after some time of being with this person and your urges are not being satisfied you may feel the urge to have sex with someone else. Toys and self pleasure can only appease for so long...

 

I am not trying to be negative here just laying out points of view. I have also been with someone who did not like sex much and had to make a decision...

 

I hope that things work out..

 

 

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The sex is amazing when we do have it. I feel that he is "there" with me. I feel like he is really showing his love. I guess that makes it even worse! If he wasn't there mentally then I would prob just get out of the relationship.

 

I do worry about straying one day. Ill just get so fed up that Ill take the first temptation I see... that would make me a crappy person.

 

The bottom line is that I feel like I have had a cruel joke thrown on me. I have a month and a half to make the decision as whether I move in with him or not.

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Why not try going to a sex therapist? Just see if he's willing to. It seems that he's not yet at an age where hormonally he should be losing interest in it. He sort of hinted that there may possibly be other issues going on here. Either way, he should be willing to try to please you even if he's not interested in sex per se. Talk to him about going to counseling for this. If he's unwilling, you'll have a better idea of where you stand.

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I agree with going to a therapist. It sounds like he is extremely self-conscious, and maybe it will help if he can talk about it with an impartial third party.

 

In the meantime, keep reassuring him that you find him attractive. I would even do all of the initiating. Men do not sometimes understand subtle clues, like the not wearing panties thing. If you had explicitly said "I am not wearing panties because I want to have sex with you when we get home, and the time it takes to take off my panties is too long for me to wait." maybe you would get a better reaction?

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I was just in a very similar situation. Except he wasnt really into it even when we were having sex. We were going to try the therapist thing, but we didnt last till he appointment.

 

I know how it can feel. It hurts to feel unwanted. I thought about pushing it inside and excepting it, but my frustration was coming out in other ways. You have to address this if you want a future with him. I strongly suggest you seek profesional help BEFORE you move in with him!

Good luck

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Sounds like he actually is into sex, he just doesn't initiate it. Subtle (and even not so subtle) clues don't always work as has been stated already, and some people are just a little bit thick. I have friends who have had women drop hints all over them and they just don't get it.

 

I'm sure because you don't initiate (which he's used to) he thinks you don't find him attractive. And because he doesn't initiate, you think he's not at all interested. It's a terrible cycle, and one I very much can relate to.

 

See a therapist, I think you'll get things ironed out.

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Oh I can soooo relate to you!!

 

I myself am going through the same thing with my bf!!

He generally doesn't seem to want sex regardless the sublest or directest of hints!

I have a high sexdrive so I find this difficult to take.

 

Luckily for you, from what you've said the sex thing is the ONLY thing you guys are dealing with..

 

I wish you luck!

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Have you tried "not having sex" but doing sensual things? I remember when my bf and I were going through a patch we decided to "treat" each other to a candlelit bath (with various flower petals in) followed by massaging each other naked (but not for the intention of having sex). We didn't have sex but we did go to sleep naked, hugging each other. We felt closer and the pressure of having sex was a lot less.

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Oh honey, I know exactly, exactly, exactly how you feel… I had those same exact issues…

 

Why would you ever accept a lack of sex? You’re settling and fooling yourself if you believe you don’t need it. It will slowly eat away at you and one day you will realize that the problem ISN’T you and that you DO turn some other guy on and then what do you do? You’re stuck and feel horrible for the thoughts you are having about another man!

 

Consider leaving him. Not necessarily for good, but if you stay, and he never realizes this is a do or die issue, he’ll NEVER change. Please take the step now before you get too deep. Take time away from him and really figure out if you want to stay with this man. You also need to give him the wakeup call that this is IMPORTANT to you. My Hubby said to me that he never thought it was really a big deal because after we’d have one of those talks like you mentioned here, I seemed fine the next day. Over 10 years, nothing ever changed.

 

There’s something very special between lovers that is half the reason people get married. Otherwise, why get married at all? You’re just roommates! I used to see some of my couple friends look at each other at a party, and you could feel the chemistry between them. They had that special connection. They were compatible. I used to long for my husband to look at me that way, just once. Like your bf, he seemed pretty asexual. It didn’t seem to bother him at all that we’d go weeks, months, without sex.

 

I don’t want to see you get hurt the way I did. I don’t want you to stay with him until you are so deeply devastated and insecure that you feel like dying. It’s MUCH easier to take a stand now, before it goes any further.

 

Gosh, I looked into all the pills, too. It’s not a physical condition. You two simply do not connect in that way. You may have good sex at times, but you do not have that desire to hold you two together.

 

It’s also VERY possible that you two need to learn how to communicate your needs. I’m pretty sure he is not intentionally ignoring you. He probably thinks that his hard work and the money and gifts he brings home is showing you how he feels. Unfortunately, women and men view passion VERY differently. Perhaps seeing a counselor that specializes in the communication regarding sex would help? I’m not talking about someone to show you how to literally perform; it’s likely a communication issue. It’s worth the shot if you really love this man and still feel those warm and fuzzy feelings. Don’t wait until you are completely dead inside and cannot even fathom touching him… Talk to a counselor…

 

FYI… I have a very lengthy post on eNotAlone titled: “Choose between love and sex?” Turned out to be a WHOLE LOT more than a sex issue… but this is exactly how I felt. Check It out… You don’t want to be where I was…

 

Good luck!

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Having had a somewhat similar experience, I'd like to pick up on one of Ramsickle's comments. Does he realise that this is so important to you that you're considering leaving him because of it? People can change, but they need to realise what's at stake. I'm totally against manipulating people - you know, the whole threatening to leave, to get your own way, that thing - but if it's the honest truth he deserves to know that breaking up over this is in the realms of possibility, and that may be what makes him take a long hard look at himself. That's not manipulation, that's honest communication. It's not threatening to break up, it's using breaking up as a measure of how much this means to you, to convey the seriousness to him.

 

In my case, after attempt after attempt to talk things through, which didn't work, I told my girlfriend of about 3 years it was over - not abandoning her, still very much a part of her life as a friend, but making it clear that I couldn't go on as a couple as we were. As it happened, that separation only lasted a few weeks, but it made her realise just how serious the issue was, in a way that talking never did before.

(I'd like to say everything is perfect after that, but it's not - in the end we still have essentially opposite sex drives - but she compromised enough that we manage together Point is she didn't even think she had to compromise before we went through that drama.)

 

Don't go burning bridges! Just make it clear how much this matters to you.

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Here I'm going to lay my cards on the table and it's a bit hard but I hope I can give you some insight into this. I used to have a very high sex drive in my 20s and 30s. After my wife became pregnant, we stopped and I did not seek it elsewhere but found it frustrating. I think it was at least 6 months after our daughter was born before we had sex again. Gradually my wife's sex drive recovered but, having abstained for about a year, I'd got used to going without. My sex drive is now very low. Since giving birth, my wife finds it difficult to climax and I find it hard to keep going (being older). She also started being critical about me in bed (a real turn-off).

 

I sometimes wonder if I would feel the same if I were with someone new but love my wife enough not to want to find out.

 

Things like esteem, money problems and general tiredness have all taken their toll, too.

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ummm. don't count on menopause reducing your sex drive, it can increase it because the estrogen level drops so testosterone levels are higher by comparison... lots of women in 40s/50s really get into sex and want MORE of it...

 

if you really love him, try counseling with him first, but accept that you will always have to be the intitiator, and intiate it as often as you want it... otherwise your only choice is to break up with him...

 

my ex was also a 'diesel' who could be great in bed IF he ever got going, which was rarely... but ialways trying to get things started, and him usually having an excuse... real excuse was he was most likely gay but didn't want to believe it about himself and wanted to ignore that so stayed asexual most of the time (according to therapist, who was the one to tell me this)...

 

so your boyfriend could have a low sex drive, but there could be other reasons for it, and your sex live will get sparser and sparser as time goes on, until he either finds someone else who DOES start his engine and leaves/cheats, or you get sick of it and move out...

 

so you have to decide whether you're going to live without sex becuase that's who he is... comments like 'my stomach is fat' are really just ways of turning you off (whining is sooo unattractive when you're in the mood) because he doesn't want to have sex...

 

i just think you need someone who is normal, because sex is one of life's great pleasure and bonds us with our partners, and you are WAY too young to give it up. many couples NEVER give it up, that is a myth that old people don't have sex, especially with Viagra nowadays! my mother was ill in a nursing home before she died, and here were lots of little old men and ladies chasing each other round that place... in fact, the nurses had to watch some of the old dudes, for fear they would crawl in bed with the unsuspecting ladies when the nurses weren't watching them!

 

so i think the absense of sex drive in someone that young is an ominous sign... either something wrong with them physically (no hormones), or something wrong with the mentally (repressed), or else denying their true sexual orientation (gay).... so try to find out the root of the problem, and if any of the reasons are unacceptable to you, and he doesn't want to try to change, then just save yourself heartache, move on, it will only get worse.

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Momene, have the two of you attempted any type of counseling? I've heard that after many years together, kids, finances, life, etc... that couples tend to not see each other sexually any more. I saw something on Nightline (I think) once where these couples that were ready to call it quits spent like an entire week at this ranch type place and the counselor helped them communicate and see each other the way they used to. It was interesting because one couple you thought were going to separate stayed together and got even closer and the other couple appeared to get everything together wound up splitting... Anyway, it's worth a shot if you aren't happy and you know you once were.

 

JMHO

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We haven't been to couples counselling and quite honestly my wife comes from a culture which is anti-counselling. In fact we're quite a way behind the US ourselves in England. The first time I went to counselling about redundancy issues, I didn't even tell her I was going, as I was expecting criticism.

 

I'm afraid that my wife's communication skills are mostly one way.

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We haven't been to couples counselling and quite honestly my wife comes from a culture which is anti-counselling. In fact we're quite a way behind the US ourselves in England. The first time I went to counselling about redundancy issues, I didn't even tell her I was going, as I was expecting criticism.

 

I'm afraid that my wife's communication skills are mostly one way.

 

All the more reason TO go to counseling. I suspect that at some point you had good communication. I don't know why people are so afraid to go to counseling. It's just someone to talk to. A good therapist points no fingers.

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