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Thread: Update-Lack of sex with BF-we had a talk!

  1. #1
    FarandAway
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    Update-Lack of sex with BF-we had a talk!

    This is an update to the thread "learning to accept the lack of sex"

    Last night he was reading and I was feeling that I wanted to be close to him. So I grabbed him around his belly area.. then out of the blue he says "Im so fat and I can't stop eating!".... I am thinking ... W*T*<mod edit>? So I said "where in the flying hell did that come from?" and he said... "I don't know"... So.. I stopped, rolled over and grabbed my book. I figured that was a "not now honey". By the way he is NOT fat at all.. he is very slender.

    A few min goes by and I tell him that I am feeling really bad about the lack of sex in our relationship. He seems exasperated and tells me that this must really be a problem in our relationship because I keep bringing it up. I said "um ya think?"...

    So I just down right asked him everything I could think of... are you attracted to me? He says Yes... I said "do you have some ideas about sex that maybe its a dirty thing".. he said "no".. I said.. do you have any religoius beliefs that would affect it. He says "no"...

    Then I said.. Do you think that I think you are attractive? He says with a pause.. "I don't know"... I was so stunned! I said "my god.. you are the sexiest man in the world to me"... I told him that he really turns me on and that his entire body is beautiful in every way. He seemed to like that I said those things..

    Then I said "remember that time you took me upstairs and threw me down on the bed?"... I told him I would love that more. He said "I guess I am not spontanteous in that area" then he preceeded to say "in my past relationships, the girl was the one to jump on me" and then he used an analogy. He said "I am like a Deisel car. I don't start to well but once I ge going, Im good"

    I just about fell out of the bed. I felt so devastated. OBVIOUSLY we are not compatable in this area. Then he turned off the light, rolled over, hugged me and fell asleep in my arms. Ok, sounds real nice but I was feeling pretty bad. I went downstairs and walked around for a while in the dark and thought, is this something I can live with? We are good in every area but what do I do now?

    This is really a tough one for me guys. I mean, maybe in 8 or 10 years, none of this sex stuff will matter because by then Ill be going through menopause and won't he be the lucky guy to not have to worry about this anymore.

    so for the person in thread that said I was dealing with an unsexual person. Well, sorry.. I think I am. I have a month and a half to give my notice to my apartment complex. Lease will be up.

    Question is.... do I stay with him and give up sex in my sexual peak with a man that is good in every other way or do I find someone else (if I do) and who knows what problems he will have right?

    This is nobody's fault... there isn't a pill out there that can fix this. THIS IS HOW IT IS.

    I feel horrible
    Last edited by BellaDonna; 01-12-2007 at 09:24 AM. Reason: language

  2. #2
    chai714
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    Everyone has their dealbreakers when it comes to relationships. I think the question is: how high do you value sex? Do you value it enough to end a relationship? I think some would and some wouldn't. It all depends on the wants and desires of the individual.

    Is waiting 8 - 10 years for menopause to hit the right answer? Definitely not. So, consider whether or not a sexless or poor sex life is something you'll be able to handle.

    The alternative is to make him want sex. How would you approach him with this, besides being direct? Is there an indirect way that could work?

  3. #3
    FarandAway
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    Im not sure how to "make someone want sex"... It appears to me that he just isn't that into sex in general. I personally have never met a man like this. So this is all new territory to me.

    a few weeks back when we were travelling, we went out and I let him know I wasn't wearing any underwear under my skirt. I showed him and he said "NICE!"... but nothing that night.

    I don't know how to make someone be into something that is just NOT in their nature to do...

    And waiting for my sex drive to diminish is pretty sad isn't it. If I walk away.. I will walk away from someone I deeply love.

  4. #4
    kellbell
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    Hey there again,

    I really think this issue can be fixed. Unfortunately, you both come from different backgrounds. He is used to woman jumping all over him and you are used to men doing the initiating. But like I mentioned in the other thread, perhaps HE felt you were not as attracted to him, causing him to feel rejected and not initating. And he admitted it last night.

    My BF makes comments about his "fat" all the time, it does not necessarily mean he is not in the mood, he is a bit self-conscience. And when he does do that, I try to be sensitive to his feelings about it and gently reassure him he is awesome, inside and out. And I prove it. I think we know what I am getting at.

    I just think the both of you are getting frustrated at each other's lack of action, thus feeding the cycle. But from you wrote, he sounds very into you and attracted to you.

    Perhaps couples therapy might help you get in sync?

  5. #5
    pregnantkitty_1985
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    Throw him down like he did to you. Then don't take no for an answer. Make him want it.

    No, I'm not suggesting rape him! I'm just saying, I wonder if that's what he meant when he said he's used to girls initiating things. Full force. It'll probably make him feel much better about himself if his low self esteem is the problem.

    Hope you will give that a try, and see how that goes.

  6. #6
    Juha
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    I don't think it is just throwing him down that is going to solve anything here.

    Yes, it will initiate things for that time but I think what Farandaway is feeling
    that she is not being satisfied mentally and physically...

    Farandaway, even when you do have sex does he participate or is just there?
    Does he get into it and wants to satisfy you?
    Does he get hot and just let loose ever?

    I hope I am right about this. I can see that you feel unulfilled and maybe a little hurt by his actions.

    Counseling might help to get him to open up. If he loves you as much as you say he does then he would want to see you satisfied and do whatever it took to do this...

    It is difficult as you love him very much and is good for/to you in every way.
    If sex is important to you can you be truly happy with this situation...

    Will waiting years for you to like sex less make you happy?
    How do you know in ten years you will not like/need sex as much..

    I don't see how your feelings/desire for sex is this strong that it will diminish all that much...

    ANother thing is after some time of being with this person and your urges are not being satisfied you may feel the urge to have sex with someone else. Toys and self pleasure can only appease for so long...

    I am not trying to be negative here just laying out points of view. I have also been with someone who did not like sex much and had to make a decision...

    I hope that things work out..


  7. #7
    FarandAway
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    The sex is amazing when we do have it. I feel that he is "there" with me. I feel like he is really showing his love. I guess that makes it even worse! If he wasn't there mentally then I would prob just get out of the relationship.

    I do worry about straying one day. Ill just get so fed up that Ill take the first temptation I see... that would make me a crappy person.

    The bottom line is that I feel like I have had a cruel joke thrown on me. I have a month and a half to make the decision as whether I move in with him or not.

  8. #8
    Kalika
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    Why not try going to a sex therapist? Just see if he's willing to. It seems that he's not yet at an age where hormonally he should be losing interest in it. He sort of hinted that there may possibly be other issues going on here. Either way, he should be willing to try to please you even if he's not interested in sex per se. Talk to him about going to counseling for this. If he's unwilling, you'll have a better idea of where you stand.

  9. #9
    treefrogkate
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    I agree with going to a therapist. It sounds like he is extremely self-conscious, and maybe it will help if he can talk about it with an impartial third party.

    In the meantime, keep reassuring him that you find him attractive. I would even do all of the initiating. Men do not sometimes understand subtle clues, like the not wearing panties thing. If you had explicitly said "I am not wearing panties because I want to have sex with you when we get home, and the time it takes to take off my panties is too long for me to wait." maybe you would get a better reaction?

  10. #10
    Juha
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    If my gf told me she had no panties on under her skirt I would have been
    can we go into the broom closet or bathroom for a couple of minutes...

    Some guys are just not attentive and pay attention to their woman unfotunately...


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