I've been lurking on this forum on and off for awhile now. I had broken up with my Abusive Ex about 6 months ago and had an excruciating time forgetting him and getting over him.
It was just a week ago that I found myself confused about returning back to him - it was emotional turmoil. I came to this forum to seek stories about women who had similar experiences. I spent hours and hours perusing and reading all the posts and found that with every word I read, I grew stronger. All the stories were too familiar and they all reminded me of what I went through and hammered into my head that I did not want to go back.
This is my story. Maybe it will help someone else. *Warning* This will be a very long post.
I met my ex when I was 21/22 at a time when I was already emotionally weak from my personal and family situations at the time. He was a year older than me.
We were working together in the same company. He said he fell in love with me at first sight and, at that time, had sought to find out as much about me as possible (took about a month) before he finally approached me.
I was eager to make new friends and meet new people within the company. I wasn't attracted to him at first and we became quick friends. After a few weeks, he began the chase. He bought me flowers, wrote me poems in different languages, declared his love for me over and over. I rejected him time and time again but he was persistent. He told everyone that I was the one and he would not give up until he got me.
For about 5 months, he'd come to my cubicle with new antics, new jokes, new toys to cheer me up whenever he thought I was down (he knew about my family problems). I was becoming more and more attracted to him with each passing day. I thought he must've believed I was really special to pursue me so relentlessly. I finally agreed to start dating him when I noticed I missed him whenever he was not around.
The first few months of our relationship were what romantic fantasies are made of. He took me on several trips and insisted on paying for everything because he wanted to take care of me. His family was much wealthier than mine and my family always had difficulty making ends meet. He wanted to be my savior and the prince who would give all the things I missed out in life.
He told me constantly that he loved me and I was perfect for him. He bought me expensive jewlry, took me to expensive restaurants. We went to several formal events where he surprised me with gorgeous evening gowns and beautiful boquets of flowers. He treated my siblings and my parents with the utmost respect. He would spoil my sisters and parents with gifts. For any place I wanted to go, he would pick me up in his car and drive me around so that I wouldn't tire out from driving. I was in heaven. I felt so lucky to have a guy who treated me so well.
Then, subtly, things began to change. His job demanded more of his time whereas mine was entering a slow stage (the line of work I'm in goes through cycles of busy periods and downtimes). He started to work more overtime, so I started to spend time with my friends and meeting new people. Whenever I was out, he would call me and demand to know where I was. If I missed the phone call due to the lack of reception or being in a noisy crowded room, he would yell at me for it. He would spend a couple of hours forcing me to apologize to him for not picking up his calls and demanding that I not do it again. One of the lines he repeated to me every other week was "Glue the phone to your ears". He'd say that I had to drop everything I was doing, no matter if i was spending time with my family or friends or working, I had to pick up.
I couldn't understand it. What happened to the nice guy who wanted the best for me? After awhile, he demanded that I stop hanging out with the friends who invited me to clubs and parties. He wanted me to stay at the company with him while he worked late into the night. When he was ill, he chastised me for not buying the correct cold medication. When I made him food, he yelled at me for making something that might agravate his sore throat. When I wrote him poems, he complained that they weren't the type of poems he enjoyed. Everything I seemed to do was wrong. But I wanted to win his approval back. I was determined to make him love me again. I believed that I did something wrong to change his behaviour. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough or eloquent enough. After I told him that I felt insecure whenever he metioned other girls were hot/sexy, he did it consistently to make me squirm. He always claimed, "I was joking and besides, I just like to make you mad because you're just sooo cute when you're mad."
With some friends help, I finally gathered the courage break up with him. Suddenly, he reverted to being Prince Charming again. Doing all that he could to win me back and telling me that he would change, that he does have it inside of him to be a wonderful boyfriend and he used his past awesome behaviour as proof. I fell for it. I went back and it was blissful for a few months.
Then the cycle repeated and I let it happen for 3 years.
Over the years, he tried to scare me into obedience by telling me that his mom expected me to act a certain way or else she would hate me. He had announced that once we married, we'd be living with his family (He and I are both Asian and this is quite normal for asian families) and I had to be on his mom's good side. I tried to please his family by helping with the chores around his house, taking his siblings out and occasionally helping his family business.
He would lose his temper on little things like me eating and dropping crumbs in his car, me not cutting my hair into the short style he liked, me wearing heels (because it slowed me down while I was walking). All the clothes I wore had to cover me completely. I would be subjected to his anger if I had anything on that revealed a sliver of my cleavage or an inch of stomach flesh.
I gave in to many of his demands. I cut out many friendships. I always kept my hair short. I wore loose, casual clothing and always wore sneakers or flat shoes. I kept my cellphone close to me and picked it up whenever I thought he was calling.
For a couple years, when I was studying another discipline and he was completing his MBA, we lived in different towns about 2 hours away. It was usually me that traveled to his city to see him every weekend (My family also lived in the same city as he did). During this time, whenever I went out with friends from school, he would call me and demand that I leave my friends and go home and study. He felt that I was having too much fun when I should be concerned about schoolwork.
--This is taking longer than I thought. I just have so much to say. I think I will continue this at another time, soon--