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Thread: need advice (sorry for the long post)

  1. #1

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    need advice (sorry for the long post)

    I am going to warn you now that this is a long and awful post. For that, i apologise. I am just in a place in my life where i really do not know what to do. My husband is verbally/emotionally abusive. We have 4 kids age 2 , 5, 5, (Twins to another man) and i might e pregnant again. We have known eachother for over 8 years but been married for 4. I should have seen his temper straight away, but i guess i kept making excuses for it. We spent most of honeymoon fighting...well...he yelled while i cried. In the beginning he had a severe temper. He'd throw things accross the room, punch holes in the walls call me and the kids names, put me down constantly. he smoked pot a blamed it alot on that. I threatened to leave him and he eventually gave up the pot. But it was a long a painful journey (for me anyway) filled with lots of anger and lying. He lies alot. He doesn't think so becuase it's all usually about smoking. I really don't believe much of what he tells me anymore as he has a habit of lying, breaking his promises and saying things that later he denies he even said. That i find hardest to handle. He'll insult me or say something spiteful and then when i get upset by it, he denise he even said it. He accuses me of making it up. Sometimes i feel as if i am going crazy. I start to doubt myself and wonder if it really is all my fault. He yells in front of the kids, out in public (which is devestaingly embarrasing for me, i just can't handle fighting in publicor in front of the kids ,i think i'd rather he hit me than that!). his anger is constant. Even when he's in a rare good mood, it's as if the anger is still brewing inside of him and it's only a matter of time before it comes out. I live my life constantly trying to make sure the kids are not too noisy or too annoyiong because i don't want him to get angry at them. I used to be a very happy, optimistic, glass half ful kinda gal. he's always been a bit of a pessimist, but i guess i didn't realise how much of one he really is. For example, in the past i could never have suggested taking the kids for a bike ride in the park because he wouldn't want to carry the bikes. So i'd say i'd carry them, and then he'd argue that we might get there and they wouldn't want to ride them, to which i'd say, then they can run around and play. But then he'd have to carry the bikes back to the car, to which id answer, i'd do. But somehow this would always end up in a fight . And if by some chance i got my way, if the kids ended up using there bikes for only a short time, i'd get in trouble and we'd most likeley have another fight. Family holidays make him angry, as do family outings, holidays....any times where he has to spend alot of time around me and the kids really. He says it's not because of us, but what eles am i supposed to think? Timwee with the family so obviously stresses him out. Because i am always so afraid of him yelling at the kids or the kids upsetting him and then him getting in one of his moods, i have taken (very ashamedly ) to yelling at the kids. I know it sounds stupid, but i'd rather yell at them, then have him do it, because he is meaner scarier and nastier.
    He questions me alot, who i was on the phone to, who i was hanging out with, why i want to go out, etc. If i went out to dinner with my sister he would call 4 or 5 times, just to see how i was. He is very controlling. And jealous...more so lately, although he denies it and gets angry at me for implying it. I can get in trouble for bying to much juice at the supermarket, or spending too much money on a food product. He often checks my grocery reciepts. Mostly i try and shop while he's at work and pack it all away before he gets home. One night i was at my sisters house and i came home at 1am (we lost track of time talking). I had a phone with me so figured if he was worried he would have called, but he knew i was at my sisters house. i got in alot of trouble for coming home so late that night He said i should have called....which i had, but he hadn't answered the phone. I still here about it to this day.
    I have also started suffering from depression about a year and a half ago, which has really taken it's toll on me. I have lately started having anxiety attacks and chest pains. I find it very hard to get through my days, and hate sleeping because it just means i have to wake up to face another day. I am constantly sick and my asthma keeps getting worse. I know alot of that is probably due to stress. Through all this, as stupid as it sounds, i know he loves me and the kids, or has up until recently. Now i'm not even sure of that anymore. he does try to help out around the house, sometimes.Sometimes i can't rely on him to do much at all. He makes me feel as if i am the bad one for not realising all he does aroud the house. he continually compares himself to toher men and implies i am lucky cause most men wouldn't even do what he does. When we fight i try and walk away, but he follows me. If i ask him to leave me alone, he ignores me and continues to follow me around yelling until i respond. When i start crying, he get frustarted at me. He used to get angry at me and make me feel like * * * * for crying. He doesn't do that anymore, but he still doesn't like it and it's obviuos. If i try and lock myself in a room he'll stand on the other side getting angry at me and telling me to come out. He will follow me and corner me until i am on the floor in a corner somewhere and still stand over me and yell at me. Meanwhile the kids have usually witnessed or heard all of this.About a year ago he finally admitted he had an anger problem and promised to go get regular help, along with seeing a counselor with me once a month. He didn't get any help, and only saw the counsellortwice in almost one year. I have tried to help him, talk to him, be there for him, support him, give him advice, be patient, start afresh, but it is never enough. He is now more willingly making an effort to improve, has admitted (again) he has a problem and that what he does is wrong. He doesn't throw things or punch holes anymore. But he still swears alot, fights in front of the kids, intimidates me, insults me...just alot more disguiesed insults though. When i told him i was depressed, he said he's try and be supportive, but hasn't been at all. In fact, if i have a bad day or am struggling, it seems to really m,ake him angry. He has no patience for what i am going through, which is hard for me because i really need help. Lately i've becaome very angry. I have a hard time staying calm, i keep losing my temper at the kids (which i feel soooooo guilty about) I hate myself for what i've allowed the kids to endure. I hate myself for what i've become. I used to love life, now it's just something i get through for my kids sake. I used to be so positive, now i hear myself being negative all the time. I used to be confident, now i feel ugly and awful about myself. I have put on wieght (not alot, but enough to feel really insecure about myself) I work in a creative industry but have not been able to create well as i feel so unhappy and uninspired which means i am constantly behind on my work and always feeling the pressure of having to catch up. i used to be a very organised person, had a budget, was good with money, and had a clean home. Now my house is so bad, i won't invite anyone over, i am totally disorganised and can never fine anything, and we are behind on so many bills. (he is HOPELESS with money, so there is no way he can take over the budget). He is constantly angry or tired, angry or tired. And i feel as if thats somehow always my fautl. He doesn't outrightly blame me anymore as he says he's trying to improve. To me it just feels like he's just better at disguising the blame and insults, which in turn makes it hardeer for me to stand up for myself. I have finally asked him to leave. he's going in four weeks (after the kids start school). It's not a split, just a break. But i have warned him that he cannot come back until i feel that i am SAFE having him back. I am tired of waking up and worring about what mood he will be in today. I am tired of being a bad mum because i have no energy for my kids. I am tired of being unhappy and scared. I am just plain tired. I can't live like this anymore. I don't know what to do though. I feel as if i don't know anything anymore. He really is not a bad man, you've just heard all the bad side. But the bad side is more common than the good. I feel he takes me for granted alot. He never takes me out and rarely buys me anything. He lets me go hang out with friends now, something which for a very long time, i couldn't do. I think he thinks he is doing something for me by letting me go out.
    Am i wrong to think things will ever change? Is this even abuse? (it feels like abuse to me). I'm just not sure about anything anymore and do not know what to do.
    I really can't take this much longer.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Honey Pumpkin's Avatar
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    Just read this post quickly - yes, it's abuse. Life with this guy is not good, and I think for the children's sake you need to sort it out. Now. I would personally leave him, because your children are growing up in a scary, emotionally-charged angry atmosphere, with a horrible attitude. And you have taken to shouting at them for nothing too?

    You need help - there are people who can help you sort your life out. YOu have have family near by - you mentioned a sister? I think you should take time out, he should seek anger counselling, and youshould both seek counselling. This is getting worse and not better, and it's unlikely that it will change unless you take steps to do something. Please make it that your first resolution for the new year is to sort out your marriage - leave him for a while, get help, and see how to move forward.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Juliana's Avatar
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    I could have written your post; I have been where you are. You have to get out of this relationship. I wish I could suggest something else; counselling, anything, but the reality is, the atmosphere that you are living in is draining the life out of you, and it will permanently change who you are if you don't leave.

    Incidentally, the pains in your chest are from anger at him.

  4. #4
    Member sonjam's Avatar
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    2frankie, please stick to your planned break, he will probably do anything to get you out of it, be nice for the next few weeks before the break, even nicer when you are on your break, when that happens, come here talk to us, read your post, of course some of these jerks can be good guys, but they are more bad than good, and it's like Juliana said, he's draining the life out of you. I too, could have written your post.

    Yes he is an ABUSER - and I tend to say of the worst kind, he's abusing you EMOTIONALLY.

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