miserable marriage - don't love my wife but we have 2 small kids

I’ve been married for nearly 3 years now, and for most of that time, I’ve been totally miserable. I had reservations about getting married to her in the first place (i thought she’d change her ways if I aksed her to marry me) and I wanted to pull out a couple of days before the wedding but with her falling pregnant shortly before our wedding, I felt it was the right thing to do. Most of my friends don’t like her, my family don’t like her and I just don’t love her anymore, i'm not sure i ever really did.

Anyway, we now have 2 small children now, one a couple of months old. I’m sick of my wife’s manipulating and domineering ways and I simply don’t love her. There is no hope of saving the marriage but I’m torn because we have 2 kids. I can’t imagine not coming home to them every day, they are my life.

on antoher hand, I’ve fallen in love with a friend of mine and she feels the same way. I adore this woman, she is amazing. I’ve always adored her but now it’s progressed to love. Please don’t judge me for this – my marriage was crap well before we realised we had feelings for each other. I cannot imagine my life without her but like I said, I’m torn about leaving my kids. This woman is my soulmate, she is just such a beautiful person and we’re like 2 peas in a pod and i can really see a future with her.

My wife is very likely to put me through hell if I ask for a divocre. She doesn’t know that I’m inlove with someone else, I’m not sure I could put her though that pain and damage her self esteem. The marriage has basically been crumbling since it began. I think she deserves to find someone who can love her the way she dserves.

I don’t want my kids to resent me. At the same time, i think if i leave my wife i need to do it while my kids are young enough to not understand what’s going on and while their young enough to adapt. sometimes I think I’d be setting such a bad example for them by staying in a bad marraige. They’ll probably sense it’s bad as they get older. i don’t want them to think it’s ok to stay in a crap relationship when it’s not. But like I said I can’t imagine not seeing them everyday. I’ll always be there for my children no matter what because they’re my 1st priority and i love them to death. a messy divorce is something i don’t want but i don't want to saty with my wife forever or just for the sake of the kids.

I’d love to hear from other people who have been in this situation. If I didn’t have 2 small children, I would have left ages ago. What’s the right thing to do? What would you do or what have you done?

I have never been married and don't have children but I will give my thoughts anyway. If you stay in an unhappy marriage, that will likely be worse on your children. The dynamics between you and your wife will rub off on your children which will likely impact how they view relationships. Divorce is not easy on anybody. Sometimes the financial and custody issues can be quite messy, depending on the two people involved. The big problem is that you are already having an affair (not sure if it is only emotional or if it has turned physical as well) and perhaps your wife already suspects that. Even if she doesn't, the minute you file for divorce, she could do some investigating and it may eventually come out. This will most definitely paint you as the bad guy with regards to the divorce and things can get ugly for you. Regardless, staying in and unhappy marriage and cheating on your wife just to avoid the unpleasantness of divorce is not ideal. We all make choices in how we choose to live our lives and we have to accept the consequences of our choices. Your children are very young right now so it would be much easier to get out of the marriage now than when they are older and understand more. In addition, while your wife may have personality issues, perhaps there is someone out there who might like her qualities. You both owe it to yourselves to find love and happiness with someone else rather than to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Having said all that, have you and your wife talked about salvaging your marriage. Is she aware that you are unhappy? Is he unhappy as well? Perhaps your view that you never loved your wife might be a bit skewed right now because you are filled with the excitement of being in an illicit relationship with someone you have no life responsibilities with so it is all just fun and excitement. Just something to think about.

You're thinking in bold italics is good here.

If you're not happy with your wife, you got to do what you got to do.

You'll get tired of your 'soulmate' too. And I don't mean that to sound harsh--just being realistic. When the novelty wears off, she'll annoy you too. That's just the way life/the human condition is.

This is really rough! How sure are you that she won't give you a divorce? Can you try a separation?

This is really rough! How sure are you that she won't give you a divorce? Can you try a separation?

Before you decide to walk away- have you talked to your wife about counseling for the two of you?

Does she have any idea how you feel right now?

You know that the other woman didn't help things and only complicates the situation- because you cannot see clearly when your eyes are clouded over by your feelings for someone else.

Honestly, there probably isn't any way you can avoid "messiness." That's what divorces are. They suck. Are you prepared to share joint custody? In all likelihood, that's the arrangement that will be worked out, unless you can prove your wife is majorly unfit in some big, big ways.

I don't think you should stay married, if you're honestly that miserable. But you have to really decide what's worse: a bad divorce and sharing your kids and not being with them, or staying with her and having your kids under your roof every night.

My parents are divorced. They got divorced when I was 2 or 3. So I don't remember all the drama, the silence.... it was so harder to those kids whose parents divorced when they were in they teenage years. The diffrences are enormous.

I had no problem getting used to the fact that I have a step father, or accepting his doughter who is my age. I ussually introduce her to my friends as my sister, because it is complicated to explain.

On the other side if parents are divorced later, kids are angry on one of the parents (not forever, but it is for some time), they are insecure, and to boys it is even harder.

Don't try to convince yourself how you will stay married if you say no to divorce this time. What are the chances that you will be able to stay miserable for next 15 years without your kids noticing that?

The fact is you would be miserable and unhappy and thinking about divorce even without that woman you are in love with.

Wow, I think were in the same boat. read my post in this forum room.

I just don't have someone to run off to. I have a child who is 2 and naturally I love him very much as well.

I grew up not knowing who my dad was, my mom doesn't know who he is either. So that has always been a pretty horrible situation. I grew up doing alright. I would never abandon my son but I know she would feed him pretty rotten stuff. She also would make the divorce extremely rough and difficult.

I like you never really wanted to get married at such a young age. I wanted to at least wait until mid or late 20's or even 30's. I never did have an oportunity to live life by myself and meet the perfect girl.

Anyway if you found the perfect girl keep in mind it will be difficult. But in the end maybe everything will be ok? Make sure you have all your ducks in a row so she can't doa nything crazy once you do tell her.

Keep in mind also that people often times want what they can't have. So the feelings you have for this friend of yours may fade, so if you want to leave your wife you better make it a separate issue. Don't leave your wife for your friend. Tell yourself your marriage is horrible and you want to leave for that reason. That fling is just on the side. That way, if it fails. You know you di the right thing no matter what and not just for her.

I don't know if that helps. But its the way I see it. I would be curious what you think about my situation. Check out my post.

I am moving out of the home I have shared with my husband for the past five years, we have been together 10. We have a daughter who is to turn 5 years old on Saturday.

I have tormented myself these last few months with the thought of leaving my husband,I am more so worried about the effects on my daughter. I have turned it every which way, and I have to leave.

My husband is verbally abusive, manipulative and recently physically abusive to me in front of my daughter. This was the last straw for me. I asked him to stop his drinking habit and smoking(marijuana) he wont. I asked for us to go to counseling, he says I'm the problem, why don't I go to counseling..and so there it is.

I am terrified about the consequences this may have on my daughter, but we will start counseling and work through it. I will tell her that mommy can not live with daddy anymore but that we love her very much and she can see daddy as much as she wants, we just wont be living together anymore.

I move out of our home tomorrow, and into our apartment.

If you leave your wife, and she denies you visitation or doesn't comply with scheduled visitation by law, call the police. I have seen it happen. Call the police every single instance and with enough police reports, the courts will give you custody. There are laws. I don't intend to deprive my daughter of her father. Hopefully your wife is the kind of woman who realizes the detriment it would cause to your children, if she withheld them from you.

I hope it goes well for you. Pray for me and I will pray for you.

I understand exiting a marriage due to being abused or the other parent being a bad role model (as in Melissa's case.)

But each of you that are in this situation.

Please reach deep into your soul to determine if you are doing it for the right reasons. If there is any hope of making your marriage work, then make it work. Don't allow divorce to be an option unless all other efforts have been made to resolve the issues. (this also means keeping other women or men out of your mind.)

I am a single mother of two children. I stand by my decision to leave their fathers. But everytime I send them on their visitation, I want to cry and am mad that I have to "share" my time with them. I have them the majority of the time. But not having them for even a percentage of the time is hurtful.

It's also disturbing to know that my children are being raised in a single parent home rather than a traditional home with two parents. My children deserve the world. And I made a choice (when leaving) to give them less than that.

Note: my son's father was an alcoholic, drug abuser, etc. My son will lead a better life without having his father as a constant role model. My daughters father hated me - I tried to make it work but he had no plans for a future with me. Still - I beat myself up for it. After 3.5 years of being single.

Well brother I feel for you.

Here's my sad tale. I married in 91' to a woman who had been struggling with depression and severe low self esteem (we had been dating for 7 years and had tried to break it off – but I got lonely and she got PREGNANT! – (by me) ). I believe I loved her? (or at least cared about her – even though a lot of times we did not get along – or seemed to be at odds with each other) and with the proper counseling and healing (on both our parts) could make a life. Along the way to paradise we had (4) wonderful kids (now 15, 12, 10 & 4). It seemed that as time went on (the past 7 years) she became more depressed and more suicidal and convinced that I neither loved her nor really cared for her. Financial pressures and the additional children (which she was intent on homeschooling and sleeping with) proved to be major stress for her. We drifted apart and my job and ministry was my gig and her kids and other things were hers. As the pressure of things grew for her – she became much more verbally abusive (much like my mother had been to me as a child!) and no longer seemed to “stand by her man.” I think she viewed me as the “enemy”. This had the effect of draining all the respect and caring I had out of me for her. So all my suggestions – both mild and strong were all motivated by a cruel intent to keep her “unhappy” (so she thought). Basically – the major things in life we did not agree upon. The bible says that “how can 2 walk down the same road unless they are in agreement?” (my paraphrase) We certainly were not. By this time I guess you could say that our marriage was not even “a meaningful convenience.”

Enter Act II. My brother from Florida with a history of crack cocaine use had been in and out of jail since the middle 80’s. In an effort to help him out, my wife and I decided to bring him up north to live with us – as we were planning to build a new house on nice piece of property. This was in Oct. 2005. By the end of November of that same year I started to notice a “connection” between the two of them. Compliments would ooze from my brother toward my wife and she hung on his every word and when he said “jump” – she’d say “How high?”. My wife said I was silly and that they were just “brother and sister.” By December I noticed that they were spending more time together than my wife and I were. One of the counselors at church thought that my wife was entering the area of “emotional adultery” – and counseled her that my brother should leave our home. At this suggestion my wife became very angry and defensive. In January 2006 my pastor also felt the same - so I made plans (against the wishes of my wife) to relocate my brother into his own apartment. March 3, 2006 I will never forget. My brother left the house at 9:30 pm and my wife shortly thereafter said she was going to the supermarket. At 2:45 AM I received a call from God via my brother’s cell phone and for one hour listened in to the most startling conversation I have ever heard. My wife and brother were in crack-town drunk as skunks copping drugs while talking about their new life and how they had committed adultery. My wife called around 10AM the same morning and said that she had done something really bad. She wouldn’t say what – She wouldn’t say where she was or when she was coming back – she just said that she’d call. So then I noticed that a few checks were missing from my business account. $700.00 was taken and cashed and now money was missing from my checking account as well – now that they were taking money via the ATM.

Well to wrap things up – I sent my brother packing back to Florida in early March after I tracked them both down at some sleazy hotel. My wife fell into an even deeper depression and yearned to be with my brother stating that “there was no closure” between them. By April 10th, my wife was on her way to Florida to settle those things that she had started with the man she was “desperately in love with” – my brother! We had saw a counselor in March after my brother left, but my wife said that she was “in love” with my brother and yes, cared about me, but was not “in love” with me – and that she could not “commit” to the restoration of the marriage.

In the midst of all my misery – I sent a letter (that had sat on my desk for over a year) to the Father of an old girlfriend (we knew each other back in 1974 when we were 18!), inquiring as to how she was doing. I figured that she was now happily married with kids – you know… Well, she wrote me back two days after my wife had left for Florida telling me that she had been divorced for 24 years had had (2) kids (both grown) and would love to talk over old times.

Things progressed rather quicky with this old flame (who lives two states away) and that love that we had back in 1974 quickly returned with an intensity that overtook me. I told her my tale of woe and she said my wife was a crazy woman to have done this. Over the many years I have always felt that this old friend was the one I could really share my heart with.

However, my wife returned back home in May for a month to appear at our child custody hearing, get her money from the refinancing of our house, pack up her stuff and buy a vehicle. July 9, 2006 she headed for FLA. As time went on I felt that she was getting deeper into the drug culture (for some reason she wanted to talk to me figuring I was her last link to the sane life she once knew). My once beautiful wife was down to 120 lbs. at 5’ 7”! She would never tell me (and never to this day really has) what was going on (she thought that I’d use it against her).

Today she sits in a county jail in central Florida – with charges of Crack Cocaine possession and (3) different controlled prescription drugs she was abusing. Looking at her was like looking at the face of death. God stopped her in her tracks before she O.D.’d.

So here I am – Mr. Mom with (4) kids left holding the proverbial bag with a wife (I am in the process of divorce) who I don’t know if (A) really wants me (or knows what she wants really) or is in love with me or my brother, and (B) may never recover from her depression and drug abuse. And a new (old friend) woman who I believe has a heart of gold, the ability to live life happily and who I deeply love.

Can someone be re-united with a spouse when all this has happened – Can their marriage be restored? I have no love in my heart for my estranged wife. I do not miss her and since she has been gone the house has a much better atmosphere. It has not been easy on me – with the kids and the house and all the other responsibilities – I lean heavily on the Lord now. Today I am seeking His plan the best I know how. Thanks for listening.

God Bless you all along the road of life.

You are in the same situation as I am except that my wife is not like your wife. I have already decided to leave my wife and she knows that. I am doing this because I am unhappy, I don't love her and she makes my life a living hell. I get depressed sometimes I think of just not having a reason to live. What depresses me the most is the fact that I am attached to my little 2 yr old daughter and I cant imagine not being around her. In the house, It is not healthy for her to because there is too much tension. I just want to leave this marriage and I have realized that sometimes you have to be with some kind of people in order to really know what you want in life. I don't feel loved and I miss the love a woman could provide to her man. Heck we don't even have sex and when we do (rarely), It isn't anything to me at all. She has given me reasons, strong reasons why I should be with another woman. I am even falling for someone else too. Dude, Mine is messed up but I can tell you that we all have one life to live. In my case, I am leaving my life, I have made that decision or choice,,,whatever they call it. I will move on with my life and find another woman down the road. I don't wanna get old and regret not ever truly loved anyone and loved by someone. Same thing: I don't want my kids to grow and see all these crappy marriage of mine. I am 30 and been married for 5 yrs now. We have a new born and a 2 yr old daughter.

How many times do we see people demonize a spouse after they develop an affair. Divorce lawyers love it when people use the selective memory card and rewrite history to fit a selfish motive. Did you complain about her prior to the affair?

TS:

This is a rough one:

I had reservations about getting married to her in the first place (i thought she’d change her ways if I aksed her to marry me) and I wanted to pull out a couple of days before the wedding but with her falling pregnant shortly before our wedding, I felt it was the right thing to do. Most of my friends don’t like her, my family don’t like her and I just don’t love her anymore, i'm not sure i ever really did.

If you think your wife will be vindictive then she will and the divorce may well be an acrimonious affair. First things first you need to see a lawyer.

She will in all likelihood get custody of the children, and it is to be hoped that she will at least cooperate in ensuring that you can see them as often as you want.

What is facing you is not for the faint=hearted.

H

You do realize this thread is three years old right?

Almost thought I'd written this but. You're s guy and I'm not . Ok your wife should meet my spouse. Lol, all joking aside divorces are tough but once you are certain this isn't the right situation for you then move on. I suggest you not mention your friend you are so called in love with. Time will show that friend of yours was simply a distraction and once your wife is out of the picture you'll find that love you thought you felt was you on the rebound, while in your current relationship. I hate my spouse, he's selfish, inconsiderate, domineering, and sadistic. All ingredients to miserable partner. We tried getting divorced which was messy, and I found I was happier when we were apart. My gut told me not to marry him, family pressure, and pregnancy led me to make the biggest mistake of my life. I love the children we have but I regret I had them with him. When I look at them I start to cry b/c I know if not for them I would run. I don't want my kids to feel this anguish, but in time they may figure it out. Don't you do that to your kids. I regret ever having met him & each day I feel more grief, maybe your wife isn't happy either and perhaps you all can come to an amicable agreement. Good luck.

Its not easy - never is! It helps if you can prepare your children to explain to them whats happening. Use a story or a book.

Editing: Whoops, realized this was old

Honestly, I would leave sooner than later. You are going to be miserable either way. You had reservations about marrying her; sounds like this was doomed from the start.

The kids are young now - that's WHY you should leave fast. Don't wait until they are older and get used to having you living with them and then you'll leave and break their hearts. If you leave now, you can establish a good custody situation for them and they will grow up in that and it will be stable and they will be used to it. Please don't stay in a bad marriage full of tension and bad vibes because kids DO see that.

Oh crap, you're right...

Old thread is old. OP probably left a long while ago. Ah well.

Hi,

I'm sorry that you are going trough this... I'm also in a very similar situation...

We have a 14 months old and I'm 8 months pregnant with our second one....

I'm living in hell too... and we have also been staying together for the baby... Well I still had some feeling for my husband... he is totally out of the relationship...

now we both suffer being together... sooner or later, we will get divorce, as this is not healthy any more... I also dont want my kids to think that what their father and I have is a reltaionship because is not...

they would be traumatized thinking that marriage sucks... and that relationships are horrible!! it is hard... I know it is.. but you will have to balance what's more important, and what will be the best thing for the kids at the end.... you all will have to adapt and rearrange your lives!! but believe me, your kids will notice the difference when they see a happy and more relax father...

It's honestly like im hearing my story.... For a second there I thought you were my husband!!!! ha ha ha.... just that im not manipulative and the kids ages don't match... hang in there!!! you can do it!!! we can go trough this!!!!

I feel you so much. While I am not cheating on my wife, I am miserable! But I am scared of divorce. So scared I have stayed. I would tell you to man up but its easily said than done. Also watch woman, the mistress will soon get in her feelings and talk...trust me. Woman are 100% emotions and 0%logic (not All)

So, a few years on.. where is your life at now? I'm in a similar situation, and clueless to my next move.

Mod Note: This is an old thread