not abuse but brought back memories of it

Hi all,

Just venting. I've been holding this in for months and I don't know what to say or do about it since I think there's nothing to be said. So I'm just letting it out.

I'm in a long distance relationship (for 8 more days! and then I'm moving to Arizona from Florida). We've been dating for over a year and friends (online, our friendship began online) for 2 beforehand.

Before we were dating he was my confidant, he knows absolutely everything good and bad about my life. I was going through an extremely abusive relationship at one point (I'll call him J). It got really bad (I'm not going to go into much detail) and I ended up growing a backbone and running away while I could. J did anything he could to me to let me know that I was his, a possesion like a guitar, and that no one was allowed to "play" with his possesion. When I ran to Arizona after I broke up with J (I ran there because he was the only person in the world I felt I could trust and be safe with at the time) J was furious and swore to come after me. When I returned to Florida J was livid and broke into my apartment, other things happened and I managed to put him in jail.

My boyfriend (I'll call him T) spent the summer here with me which overall was wonderful. We went to an outdoor metal festival in July and had a great time, T decided he wanted to go in the pit during a set and I was getting tired so I said I was going to sit this one out and go lie on the grass. Appearently while in the pit some guy knocked a girl down and didn't stop to help her up, so T helped her up but while doing that the guy that knocked her down kicked T in the head. T was furious, for good reason, there are just known rules for being in a pit.

After the set T came and helped me up from the grass. That was the last set of the show that we wanted to see so we were going to walk back to the car. T was so livid that he stopped walking, went over to a fence, and punched it a few times. Hard enough to bleed a good bit but not break anything. For some reason that just stunned me. I didn't talk much the couple of hours home. Obviously everyone is capable of dangerous things like that, and I know T loves me and would never ever hurt me....but I can't help but have nightmares about him punching me like that.

I don't know if I should even talk to T about it. I mean he knew I was a little upset about it...but it's been months and months. I know T would absolutely never do that...but I can't get it out of my mind.

Sorry about the rant.

I can understand that its a bit scary to see T get angry like that and hit a fence, especially with your past history. However, he was angry for a good reason and instead of taking it out on anyone, he released it in a good way - he didn't hurt anyone and he didn't damage any property! I think many people are capable of doing something like that but would never think of hurting a person.

It might be good to talk to T about it though, just to reassure yourself. He might have also noticed you acting a bit different so talking to him may help him realize that you are a bit scared by dramatic examples of anger. I think talking about it might be good for YOU more though.

Don't accuse him of anything though. Say something along the lines of "I saw you punching the fence and seeing you angry frightened me. I know you had a good reason to be angry, but it reminded me of J. Can we talk about it a bit? It would really help reassure me."

Thanks for the reply.

I want to talk to him about it...but I don't know how to bring it up. We haven't see each other often and it's not something I want to talk about on the computer or phone. Maybe after I move I'll work up the courage to talk to him about it. I just didn't know how to bring it up. Thank you for helping me with that.

After I move and we get settled I think I'll ask him to talk about it with me. I don't think he's capable of hurting a person, but that terrified me. I don't want him to think that I don't know that he won't hurt me. I get nervous about bringing up things like this.

You should feel free to talk to him about anything you want. However, I agree that this is bothering you more because of the situation you have just come out of, than because it was abusive. No, it is never good to see someone get violent, but abuse survivors are more sensitive to this than other people would be. Hopefully talking to him will reassure you and give him a heads up that you don't need to see him release his frustrations in a physical way.

How to bring it up? Maybe start a topic in regards to a celebrity acting out (Michael Richards aka Cosmo Kramer) in anger and move towards incidents of anger in your lives? Sometimes it helps to start general to break the ice, you know?

96dcm, how are you doing, have you had the conversation with your boyfriend about your fears? You have every right to have these fears you know, and if he's really truly a good guy, he will understand (seeing he knows your background) and will put your fears at ease.