*Very complex cyber relationship* (it's a long story; really)

Hi people, I'm a new user here but I decided to register because I wanted to use the Forum to ask a question, but of course you've got to be a member to use it so, Ta-da! here I am.

Anyhow, I'm really looking more for opinions and advise rather than an answer to a specific question, but first I'll briefly layout my situation.

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About a year ago now I met an interesting guy online living 6 states away in, of all places, an online video game. Originally, we didn't like each other much (basically you're typical online clash of super-egos) and one evening while playing we got into an argument about his superiority complex and my issue with it. I didn't expect anything to grow out of it, but somehow we stopped arguing and started talking only to discover we, emotionally, had a lot in common. After that one argument/conversation he asked me for my AIM screen name. To be honest I didn't think he'd actually contact me outside of the game so I gave it to him w/ no expectations; but to my surprised he IMed me one or two days later.

In the beginning I was pretty indifferent about talking to him b/c I'm sort of jaded on meeting ppl online. I was 16 at the time and he was 18 but I'd been in the "chat-circuit" so to speak since I was 11 and in that time I'd met a lot of guys and had a couple of short-lived online relationships. Regurdless, I saw the conversation as a good way to kill some time so we started to chat about anything and everything. BUT as the conversation progressed I started to notice that we had a lot of the same thoughts and ideas about life and ppl. in common and after that conversation I felt really different inside. We were both real candid and open w/ each other and said whatever we wanted to say. If I thought he was feeding me BS I told him that, and it felt really good not to have to tip-toe around being polite and stuff. On another, internal level, I felt like something had changed inside of me.

Soon after that encounter we started to talk a lot on AIM (mostly about our ideas on people and relationships, etc.). After about 3 months I decided I wanted to see what this guy looked like so we both exchanged pictures. Fortunately we both agreed that we were equally attractive ppl lol. Very shortly after that he jokingly gave me his number and told me to call him, so I did to his dismay. He was really shocked that I had called, and more so that I didn't conceal my phone number. He actually kind of scolded me for doing it b/c he said that he could be anyone, maybe even a real dangerous stalker. Of course he was right, but for some odd reason that didn't concern me. I just had this feeling that I had nothing to worry about with him.

Our relationship progressed from there, we talked often on AIM and on the phone (I have the long distance bills to prove it lol) and as a result we started to get closer. Unfortunately everything was not perfect. At the time we first met both of our lives were pretty stable. He wasn't in college but he did have a Website design business he was getting sucessful with, he was even making plans to fly to Chicago (where I live) from Oregon to tap into the clientell over here; but life threw a curve ball at us.

Now up until this point we had gotten pretty intimate over the phone, and he even started to hint that he cared for me as more than just a part-time online friend and I felt much the same way although I was more cautious b/c I had reccently attempted to have a relationship w/ a friend of mine that i'd known for 8 years which failed. Anyhow things in his life started to go real bad. I wont go into too many details but he got involved w/ some not so great ppl and got kicked out of his parent's house and lost his job contacts, etc. Basically his life was spiraling out of control, but I knew I cared for him so I did my best to help him through it all.

To make a real long story short, for the past 6 months we've been going back and forth about him getting his life straight again. We argued (not maliciously) about what he should and shouldn't do and how his actions affected my life too and so on. I even tried to distance myself from him during this time because I was feeling emotionally drained worrying for him.

To bring it all up to date (for those of you who are still reading and are not asleep at their monitors yet) My online guy buddy got himeself into some trouble with the law and spent the last two months in jail. When I found out he was going in I wasn't sure what to think or do. Everything had happened so fast, and well honestly I wasn't sure if I could deal with this MAJOR issue. I wanted to end it, but yet again I couldn't. Yes I realize this sounds like an addiction, and it might be I'm not really sure at this point, but my gut feeling didn't want to let go of him partially because at the start of his problems he had told me that he loved me. I was of course real skyptical, but after close examination of what I was feeling and putting myself through worrying for him I realized that I loved him too. I told him so before his problems with the law came up. With much difficulty I had finally admitted to him that I loved him unconditionally, and when I make committments like that I don't take them lightly.

He's out now and working really hard to get back into college and putting his life back together. I admire and respect him for it. His complete willingness to better himself is the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in anyone, and that's what I love most in him. But as a result of all of the trouble he got into he's now on parole in his state for the next possible 5 years, which means we wont be meeting f2f anytime soon. So now we're in a position where all we've got is Instant messages and maybe some phone calls when we get our phone plans together to avoid the major long distance charges. As far as our personal relationship goes, as far as he's concered it can be completely open on my side. He's even told me that he wants me to go out and date other guys b/c he's completely secure with it.

How can I hate someone like that right? I know that I love him but wow, this is all really hard foe me. Most days i'm confused about all of it and not sure what I should do next. Do I date, not date, stay committed to someone I've never really met, leave him? I dont know anymore. What it basically boils down to is both of us putting faith in a relationship that isn't even promised. There's no gurantee that we'll even get along in real life. Yet it's hard to let go especially after all of this reccent and condensed history.

Confused and on hold,

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Whew! That is a rough set of circumstances to go through. You love the person you have gotten to know but at the same time he can't come to see you for a long time.

The hard part is, while things are great online, you can't really say if you'll have chemistry face to face. The whole business with the jail is really scary because you only have his word as to why he was in there. I wouldn't recommend going to see him on your own and five years is a long time to wait.

Does your family or friends know about him? One suggestion might be to get a friend or family member to "chaperone" you (aka, make things safer) and either fly out to Oregon for a short vacation or do a road trip. If things don't work out, you and your friend/family can make a vacation out of things (some nice places to visit in that state). Only trouble is, if you two hit it off, it wouldn't be fair to dump your friend. However, I really REALLY REALLY don't recommend seeing him alone, on his turf, when he has been in jail for some unknown crime.

My other suggestion is to part ways and perhaps look each other up when the parole is over or when he can visit Chicago. Either part ways or try keep a friendship if possible.

Good luck! Long distance love can suck sometimes

What it basically boils down to is both of us putting faith in a relationship that isn't even promised. There's no gurantee that we'll even get along in real life.

^ That's every relationship. If you believe in him and what you have then follow your heart.

You are very young, but love is love at any age. And love will be hard. Period. Regardless of the circumstances. Don't give up just b/c it's hard. True love often requires a whole lot of patience. If it's true it'll survive.

PM me if you wanna talk some more. I've got a little experience with a long term, long distance relationship.

Just read this through - sorry, my advice would be to move on. You are so invested in someone that you haven't even met, and you're very young. If you can be friends, then fine, carry on as you are. But what if you spend years longing for him, yearning for him etc, and then when you're 22 you finally meet up only to find that there is no spark at all between you?

I'm sorry, I really am - I just think it's too complicated.

Thanks for the comments guys. Oh and just to clear a few things up (as if the story wasn't long enough lol) I do know exactly what he was in for because he told me the entire situation before he went in, and while he was in jail I played detective and located the jail he was in. It's interesting what you can find via internet; but anyway everything he told me was true: he had the charges he said he would, he was the age he said he was, he lived where he said he did, and he had no prior record. He didn't lie at all! Needless to say I trust him quit a bit because he's been honest but as far as the relationship goes I think we'll be moving it more towards a close long distance friendship for the time being.

It's been a year now and we've been through the whole lust from a distance thing, now we're in a more settled and relaxed situation. We both understand that we love each other and we don't hesitate to say it lol. My friends think I'm acting like I'm married, but I see it this way: I didn't fall in love with him; instead I chose to love him unconditionally. All that means is good or bad, wheather things work out great or not I've made the decision to love this person for who he is. It doesn't mean my life revolves around him (hardly, I still enjoy dating and flirting), it just means that he will always have a place in my heart and thoughts. Honestly, that was the hardest realization to make, but once I accepted it I can't help but see things ending well (weather we have a future together or not)

P.S. I might end up transfering to a college in Cali after a year in college here (it depends) but if I do I'd have an opportunity to meet him since Oregon is right above. And of course I'd bring a friend, I know he'd be upset if I didn't.

I've only gotten 4 comments on my story and one of those was mine lmao. No one else have something to add???

Its a bit of a tricky situation... You might want to post or move your post (ask a mod!) into the Long-Distance relationship forum too, since that is what you're contemplating. I think the folks in that forum might be a bit more helpful because they are or have been in long-distance relationships and might help you. It also gets more traffic

I know what it is like to fall in love online. Didn't work out, but I remember those feelings and they definitely were love. Going to a California college sounds like a good idea if there are other reasons to go. California and Oregon are not too far apart. Visiting him within a year also would resolve a lot of questions - a big one being - do we have any chemistry offline too? The answer you get can help you decide about the remaining years you guys are apart.

I read it all the way through

Too much drama, you havn't even met face to face, and so forth. You know this already, but:

He's trouble....trouble...trouble.

I read your whole post, skimmed through the replies so sorry if this is a repeat: I realize that he can't leave the state for 5 years but would it be possible for you to go out to Oregon to visit him? It seems as though he is who he says, and you trust him. Maybe a girlfriend could even go with you, say over spring break? That way, regardless of whether or not you two really hit it off, you'll KNOW. You won't waste anymore time wondering "what if". Just a thought. I see you're 17, so if your parents are against the idea, maybe wait until you turn 18. Sorry if this isn't helpful.

Well it sounds like a plan. I hope I'll get the oportunity to check out Cali soon, maybe over the summer partially for myself and for my friend (my friend from high school). She got a full scholarship to a college out there and she's been hinting at me transfering campuses and living out there too. Also I have family and another close family friend living out there. Of course alterior motive would be meeting this guy in Oregon, but yeah I'm starting to make some plans.

Anyhow I'm sort of curious to hear a male perspective on my situation, so far only females have responded (and it's been helpful) but I want as many points of view as possible.

I'm pretty concerned that you are 17 and that this guy has already served time.

Why was he in jail?

I prefer not to go into details about that, but i'm know what the charges were and they dont bother me. Only thing that really concerns me is the parole.

I prefer not to go into details about that, but i'm know what the charges were and they dont bother me. Only thing that really concerns me is the parole.

If they don't bother you, than why are you unwilling to talk about them?

I mean that's personal information and it's not really mine to tell dont you think? Would you like your friends broadcasting every detail of your issues to everyone, I think not. The most I want to say is that it was a felony and he did 2 months, but he only did those 2 months in the first place because he confessed that he wasnt just there when it happened. He was involved to a limited extent. Basically he chose to be honest and serve the time for the crime he comitted. Does that help?

I mean that's personal information and it's not really mine to tell dont you think? Would you like your friends broadcasting every detail of your issues to everyone, I think not. The most I want to say is that it was a felony and he did 2 months, but he only did those 2 months in the first place because he confessed that he wasnt just there when it happened. He was involved to a limited extent. Basically he chose to be honest and serve the time for the crime he comitted. Does that help?

It does. This forum is anonymous and since you came here asking for advice about this relationship it is difficult to give advice with only a small picture of your situation. Going to jail is a very serious thing and knowing why he went to jail makes a difference on the type of advice you may receive.

I stand by the fact that at 17, with this man already with a felony on record, plus the distance, I do not think you should be dating him.

Too many obsticles & red flags = disaster.

So you're saying that because there are too many obsticles I should just give up? I'm just a little bit daunted here at some of the advise i've been recieving. Dont get me wrong I want opinions, but I want opinions with real reasons not cookie cutter "he's trouble" statemnts. What exactly are these red flags that I should be cautious of? The fact that he was in jail or the fact that he lives sooo far away? All I really have to say here is that ppl don't come perfect, not even internet ppl, and if they do then that's when you should worry; when they seem too perfect and too clean to be true. I think ppl expect WAY too much from other people these days. Everyone is so busy looking for Mr. Perfect that you skip Mr. Real, I guess ppl prefer Mr. Perfect though b/c he = less work. In the end I rather be aware of the "red flags" than be oblivious to them. *sigh* I don't even know why i'm here trying to defend it anymore...whatever happens is going to happen regurdless.

I want opinions, but I want opinions with real reasons not cookie cutter "he's trouble" statemnts. What exactly are these red flags that I should be cautious of? The fact that he was in jail or the fact that he lives sooo far away? All I really have to say here is that ppl don't come perfect, not even internet ppl, and if they do then that's when you should worry; when they seem too perfect and too clean to be true.

Yes. I am saying that at 17, no matter how mature you are for 17, you do not have the life experience and self awareness that comes with age, maturity and experience to be able to make a choice that is grounded by rational thought, and not so much feelings. That is not an insult to you- these are things that just take time and experience that only comes with age. These are the reasons that laws are in place to protect minors.

This guy already has a felony- that is a very big red flag.

He lives far away and you are not going to be able to see him very often- another obstacle.

You are right that people are not perfect- but that does not mean you should be attaching youself to someone who willingly broke the law and went to jail, and who you cannot even go and see. I am not perfect either, but I have never committed a felony. BIG DIFFERENCE between being perfect and going to jail for a major crime- one that you aren't even williing to admit to the details of. I wonder how much of that is because it might affect more of the advice you get here adversely?

Let me tell you from experience that I dated the "not perfect", "project" guy for 5 years starting at 17 and it went very badly. And I am not alone. Most women have been there, (and probably alot of men), the person who had alot of problems but who they wanted to be "the saviour" for, or "the person who can love them despite their flaws", but you have to take a good, hard, honest look at this.

Have you told your parents about him? Do they know about his felony, and what it was for? About his probation? What do they say? Do they support your decision to date him? If you haven't told them- ask yourself why not.

I understand what you're saying, and i'd most likely give the same advise to someone in my current situation, but i can't help but feel like the rules don't apply here. Seriously, all of this goes alot deeper than I care to admit b/c it crosses some of societies taboo topics....and honestly I don't think alot of ppl, perhaps not even you, can grasp the mangnitude of what's going on here.

Now, going back to your questions: No, I am not purposely attaching myself to him because I want a "pet-project." I don't want to be his savior, in fact i'd prefer he save himself because I'm a firm believer than only you can save and help yourself. The main reason I like being around him is because he's inspiring. He makes me want to be a better person, isn't that suppose to be a good thing? As for my parents knowing, they know about him to a certain extent. They know his age, where he lives, the basics; he'd (the guy in question) would prefer they know everything about his record and so on but I'd rather not disclose everything all at once. I think there's a time and way to introduce things to ppl and then there are some things that I think should just be between the two of us. In the case of the felony I do want my parents to know, but I want him to tell them b/c i don't think it's my place to do so. We're working on that now.

And finally to address the being a "minor" issue, I turn 18 in 2 months. I feel that i am mature, but for those who still believe in the law when I hit 18 i'm legally responsible for myself anyway so I don't think it's at all relevant at this point.

I've taken a detailed and close look at this situation, from all types of angles, and so far my instinct tells me i'm not in the wrong here...but still I'm trying to search for outside approval. I'm beginning to arrive at the conclusion though that a really mature person would stop searcing for justification and accept the responsibilities of their actions; good or bad. So perhaps i'll take my own advise here lol.

I think because you posted that you were 'confused and on hold', myself and others thought that you were looking for advice about the relationship.

Having been in a similar situation myself at your age (only we moved in together at 17 so did not have the distance), I can speak from personal experience that it did not work out for me- and for others that I know who have been in this situation also. I also know that at your age, myself and my friends were not able to see the situation from an experienced perspective, because we just didn't have enough life experience at 17. I am not ashamed to admit that I was bull-headed and I made a serious mistake. That is typical of growing up, maturing, learning, and gaining valuable experience.

It looks like you aren't really looking for advice so much as validation for a choice that you have already made... which I really can't give you as I would recommend to anyone in your shoes that this is not a good idea.

Of course, you are going to do what you want to do- all I can give you is my opinion, based on personal experience and experience of others I have known. It is up to you what advice you chose to take and what you do not deem useful to you.

I'm sure I am looking for validation, b/c I know that I have already made my decesion. I suppose I just got tired of keeping it all to myself. Venting perhaps? Regurdless, I don't plan on making hasty decesions with him. We both agreed that we shouldn't rush anything. And personally I wouldn't want to move in with him at 17-18 anyway, i'm smart enough to know that wont work too out well. But yeah, I have to at least persue this experience b/c I'm sure I'll regret it if I don't.

Thank you for your advise though, I have considered what you've said even though I might come off as a pig-headed teenager.

Assuming that you stay in contact with him - how do you see this relationshp developing? I mean in the long term.

Long term I can see, mind you I'm not for sure, but I see a future together with him. Married, kids, the whole thing lol. A bit much for a 17 year old but hey I'm being honest here.

OK.

You write in a very mature way for someone who is seventeen and seem not only self-aware but also aware of the potential difficulties - otherwise, why post about it.

But to be thinking about marriage at that age is, shall we say, premature. Marriage to anyone not just someone whose situation is precarious at best.

The same thing goes for him. He is also at a difficult stage in his life. He is essentially starting over and that will be made far more difficult with a criminal record and being on probation. He will need to focus his time and energy on overcoming that and to be involved in a relationship while he is doing that would make it much more difficult.

I think he is wise to suggest that you bring this relationship down in intensity and see other people. It will give both of you perspective and allow you to get education and careers off to a good start without major distractions.

You could stay in touch and if in a year or two you feel the same way about each other, and your lives are on track to be much more settled and stable, then you could explore the possibility of a relationship again.

lol, I know that, but you asked long term remember? I was just saying what I honestly felt, but at the moment we're on friend mode here. And we are focusing on school and so forth. No worries, we know better than to rush a good thing.

I wonder though, does everyone think that I'm too invested in all of this?