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Thread: Gifts from a non-boyfriend to my girlfriend

  1. #1
    Member anonymous coward's Avatar
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    Gifts from a non-boyfriend to my girlfriend

    Quick thing to get some thoughts on:

    There's a guy who keeps sending my girl chocolates and other gifts, and she keeps accepting them. They communicate frequently over email for work, but, other things too because they've become friends.

    They live in different cities but work for the same company. They've met once in person on a business trip she took to his city, last year, which happened to be on Valentines Day. He went all out-- the whole trunk of his car was filled with candies and chocolates and a bottle of wine. After not hearing about him at all for a very long time, she mentioned today that he was fired, and during that conversation it came out that 2-3 times a month he sends her stuff. She really likes to scratch lottery tickets, so he sends her those 2-3 times a month. She loves chocolates, so he sends her those too.

    Is this OK? Should I feel slightly upset about this (as I do) or should I totally ignore it? Should she be accepting these kinds of frequent gifts from the same guy or should she have told him to stop now that she has me? (before we weren't together)

    What do you think?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member CarnelianButterfly's Avatar
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    Wow, that's really odd. I would feel weird getting gifts from a guy not my BF. I don't know what would be the best way to handle this though. Have you told her that this doesn't sit right with you?

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    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    Ooh, a friend of mine is in a sticky situation like this, too...Some girl just sent her boyfriend an expensive Christmas present with lots of hearts and smiley faces and plans for dinner, even though she knows that he's taken. (He's sending it back with a note that says that kind of gift is inappropriate). I feel like your girlfriend should tell him that she does not feel right accepting gifts from him...however, she should mean what she says. Have you talked to her about it? What are her thoughts? Does she think it's totally okay?

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    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    erm. red flags, or at least pink flags. it sounds like he likes her as more than a friend. I mean, I have male friends that also buy me gifts occasionally, but it is for my birthday or christmas, not for valentine's day or whatnot.

    did you ask her why she keeps accepting his gifts? does he know about you?

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  6. #5
    Member anonymous coward's Avatar
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    You guys are so fast-- I love this forum.

    I haven't spoken with her about it, other than getting sort of quiet over the phone once she mentioned it. For those of you (probably all of you) who don't know, it's a long distance relationship. I wrote to this forum a couple of weeks ago about how her male coworkers have tended to see their relationship with her as potentially more than friends-- and how it makes me so uncomfortable, even if she's loyal to me.

    When she mentioned this today, I didn't respond because we have just recently made up over how one of her managers started hitting on her, and how she didn't tell him to bugger off but sort of deflected it. The whole thing made me insane for an entire sleepless night.

    Now with this, I'm especially bothered that she didn't mention this while the topic of appropriate relations with other guys was on the table. It came out so matter of factly tonight, when to me it's a pretty big deal and bothers me (obviously, or else I wouldn't be leaning on you guys for some sanity checks/support)

    I do know that he knows about me. She also told me about it by preparing me thusly: "I know this isn't going to make you happy, but..." She also said many times that "He knows that there's no chance between he and I, he really, really knows this..."

    But... man. This stuff just exhausts me. I love her so much, but isn't this just so obviously wrong of her? A) Not to have told me earlier, B) To be OK accepting gifts like that, especially chocolates? Or am I being ridiculous?

    I do feel weak posting like this, but you all really helped me so much in my last post-- I guess I'm in desperate need of another sanity check before I confront her about it (if you think I should confront her about it).. it was so nice the last couple of weeks not thinking about this stuff. But truth is truth, reality is uncompromising, and here I am.

    Thanks in advance...

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    I don't think you're wrong. Do you know if your gf has been clear with this other guy about you? Maybe he thinks she's fair game? Anyway, it would bug me too, especially if you two have agreed to a monogamous relationship, and I do think you should tell her you don't like the idea of another guy sending gifts to your gf. Just say it in a way that is not joking but also not too serious to the point that it would freak her out. If she's being reasonable, she will see where you are coming from.

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    Platinum Member renaissancewoman101's Avatar
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    I dont think you should have anything to be worried about, if she is telling the truth about telling the guy that she has a bf and is not interested. If he knows the truth and he still insists on giving her gifts and chocolates, then the onus is on him NOT her.

    Besides, what is wrong about a friend giving someone gifts, even if the person is taken? Gifts are a sign of friendship and should not be taken always as a sign of love or interest.

    I give my friends gifts, even guy friends. Doesnt mean I have an interest in them other than friendship.

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    Yeah, I give friends gifts too, and even married guy friends, occasionally. But this other guy here is going pretty much overboard to the point of showering her with gifts, and I've never done that for any platonic friend or heard of platonic friends doing that for each other.

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    Platinum Member renaissancewoman101's Avatar
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    I just gave a guy friend an expensive bottle of brandy. Doesnt mean I have a romantic interest in him. It was a special occasion and it was my way of showing him I cared for him as a friend.

    I tend to give people gifts a lot, as a way of caring. It is also part of my insecurities.

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    It's possible the guy is just generous and a nice guy, but I don't know I'd probably be a little suspicious of his intentions.

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