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Gifts from a non-boyfriend to my girlfriend


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Quick thing to get some thoughts on:

 

There's a guy who keeps sending my girl chocolates and other gifts, and she keeps accepting them. They communicate frequently over email for work, but, other things too because they've become friends.

 

They live in different cities but work for the same company. They've met once in person on a business trip she took to his city, last year, which happened to be on Valentines Day. He went all out-- the whole trunk of his car was filled with candies and chocolates and a bottle of wine. After not hearing about him at all for a very long time, she mentioned today that he was fired, and during that conversation it came out that 2-3 times a month he sends her stuff. She really likes to scratch lottery tickets, so he sends her those 2-3 times a month. She loves chocolates, so he sends her those too.

 

Is this OK? Should I feel slightly upset about this (as I do) or should I totally ignore it? Should she be accepting these kinds of frequent gifts from the same guy or should she have told him to stop now that she has me? (before we weren't together)

 

What do you think?

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Ooh, a friend of mine is in a sticky situation like this, too...Some girl just sent her boyfriend an expensive Christmas present with lots of hearts and smiley faces and plans for dinner, even though she knows that he's taken. (He's sending it back with a note that says that kind of gift is inappropriate). I feel like your girlfriend should tell him that she does not feel right accepting gifts from him...however, she should mean what she says. Have you talked to her about it? What are her thoughts? Does she think it's totally okay?

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erm. red flags, or at least pink flags. it sounds like he likes her as more than a friend. I mean, I have male friends that also buy me gifts occasionally, but it is for my birthday or christmas, not for valentine's day or whatnot.

 

did you ask her why she keeps accepting his gifts? does he know about you?

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You guys are so fast-- I love this forum.

 

I haven't spoken with her about it, other than getting sort of quiet over the phone once she mentioned it. For those of you (probably all of you) who don't know, it's a long distance relationship. I wrote to this forum a couple of weeks ago about how her male coworkers have tended to see their relationship with her as potentially more than friends-- and how it makes me so uncomfortable, even if she's loyal to me.

 

When she mentioned this today, I didn't respond because we have just recently made up over how one of her managers started hitting on her, and how she didn't tell him to bugger off but sort of deflected it. The whole thing made me insane for an entire sleepless night.

 

Now with this, I'm especially bothered that she didn't mention this while the topic of appropriate relations with other guys was on the table. It came out so matter of factly tonight, when to me it's a pretty big deal and bothers me (obviously, or else I wouldn't be leaning on you guys for some sanity checks/support)

 

I do know that he knows about me. She also told me about it by preparing me thusly: "I know this isn't going to make you happy, but..." She also said many times that "He knows that there's no chance between he and I, he really, really knows this..."

 

But... man. This stuff just exhausts me. I love her so much, but isn't this just so obviously wrong of her? A) Not to have told me earlier, B) To be OK accepting gifts like that, especially chocolates? Or am I being ridiculous?

 

I do feel weak posting like this, but you all really helped me so much in my last post-- I guess I'm in desperate need of another sanity check before I confront her about it (if you think I should confront her about it).. it was so nice the last couple of weeks not thinking about this stuff. But truth is truth, reality is uncompromising, and here I am.

 

Thanks in advance...

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I don't think you're wrong. Do you know if your gf has been clear with this other guy about you? Maybe he thinks she's fair game? Anyway, it would bug me too, especially if you two have agreed to a monogamous relationship, and I do think you should tell her you don't like the idea of another guy sending gifts to your gf. Just say it in a way that is not joking but also not too serious to the point that it would freak her out. If she's being reasonable, she will see where you are coming from.

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I dont think you should have anything to be worried about, if she is telling the truth about telling the guy that she has a bf and is not interested. If he knows the truth and he still insists on giving her gifts and chocolates, then the onus is on him NOT her.

 

Besides, what is wrong about a friend giving someone gifts, even if the person is taken? Gifts are a sign of friendship and should not be taken always as a sign of love or interest.

 

I give my friends gifts, even guy friends. Doesnt mean I have an interest in them other than friendship.

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yeah, renaissancewoman101, I know what you mean, and that's why I'm *trying* to be cool-headed about it. It's just that, before, during that V-day visit, he definitely made it clear he had other feelings. It was a year ago, but, for him to be sending chocolates and other gifts every other week since then? Isn't that a bit much?

 

It seems unfair of him to send her such gifts when he knows she has a boyfriend, but I have to be honest and say that to me it seems doubly unfair of her to accept these things because A) it may be making him feel like he has a chance, that by giving her all these things he's going to win her over, and that's not fair to *him* because she really doesn't like the guy in that way, and B) not really fair for me, as her guy, to know that someone else is doing all this. I don't send her chocolates every other week... and it makes me feel weird. You know?

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AC, have a talk with her and tell her how you feel. Dont be accusatory or demand that she stop. Just tell her how you feel. If she cares about you and knows that you are uncomfortable with it, she will tell the guy to cease.

 

I dont think you should blame your gf for this though. Sometimes, maybe the guy has a crush on her too and even if she told him about you, some guys have a hard time letting go, like some women.

 

I guess I am talking in circles. I'm tired and should go to bed.

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Yeah, i mean, iamteddybearfeelmecuddle, i give *small* gifts too, to friends, male or female-- but doesn't this situation seem a little bit wrong, with the chocolates and all, and such frequency? What should I say without sounding like a jealous shmuck? I may have come accross as slightly jealous the other week, but this is just more of the same stuff...

 

I guess my feelings have changed from concerned/upset (from the other stuff a couple of weeks ago) to now feeling disappointed in her. How could she possibly think this was OK, especially after all we talked about before...

 

gaaa.

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Thanks renaissancewoman101, I will talk to her. I *should* be very asleep too, but, this is the only stuff in the world that keeps me from it. Fortunately I have tomorrow off, so, I'll suffer less than last time Thanks again.

 

I wish I could get a flood of responses saying either: SHE IS WRONG, or YOU ARE WRONG. I'm so tired of being self-critical about seemingly justifiable feelings. This relationship is just so exhausting so regularly and I feel like it's all on her end. Isn't it supposed to be easier than this?

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She is wrong - and she is attempting to put you in the position of being the bad guy by being 'honest' about it.

 

Personally, I would think very hard about being in a relationship with a women who behaved like this. It seems she likes male attention. And generally speaking, men don't shower women with gifts and attention if the woman is not giving off indications that the attention would be welcomed in a way that indicates more than just a 'friendly' interest.

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It seems she likes male attention

 

My thoughts exactly. She needs to be more assertive. She could have stopped receiving these gifts a long time ago if she was clear with them that the gesture was inappropriate. Wine and chocolates in this context do not sound like harmless gifts to me. She could easily say something along the lines of "That's nice of you, but I cannot accept it. I only accept those kinds of gifts from my boyfriend".

 

Personally, I only have one male co-worker/friend whom I would accept or give wine and chocolates to, and he is gay.

 

BellaDonna

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Ask her to stop taking the gifts if shes making exsuces then shes got to come up with better ones than, im to weak to not take Chocks and Wine, Which by the way are the clasic, get drunk for a shag drugs.

 

Look you love her, that fine but do not let love bend you all out of shape, your going to have to make it 100% clear this is doing you NUT!

 

Tell her start, Look I dont like this, its haurting us and if you care and love me send them back,

 

In other words start standing up for your self and stop being a push over becouse of love.

 

Me I would be worred this woman is making a point to having a close relationship with another man and at a mental level and you are just kept around for sex.

 

She should be talking your feelings on this matter into count, not just hers.

Im sorry the line "Im to weak to stop" is foowey, if she cares for you she will stop.

 

If this guys at works aim is to bed you GF then her takeing his offarings to you nest is doing just that.

 

remember

 

Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker.

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No. This is cr*p. Every woman knows, accepting gifts from a man implies commitment in his mind. I had a "random, hit and run gift-giver" who left gifts at my door and never introduced himself -- ?? -- and there was nothing I could do about that, but she knows this guy. She should politely send everything back, unopened and untouched.

 

If not, then, yeah, you've got a problem.

 

Btw, don't let her make this about the gifts, about him, or about you. This is about her.

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Honestly though, is it wrong to give gifts to someone who is in a relationship or receive gifts from someone if you are in a relationship? She has told the guy that she has a bf and if he continues giving her gifts, the onus is on HIM, not her. She has done her part and told him that she is taken. If he doesnt want to accept it and deal with it on his level and still continues giving her gifts, then HE is in the wrong, not necessarily HER. Although her accepting the gifts is not a good idea anyways.

 

So, is it a bad idea to give someone of the opposite sex(who is taken) gifts on a friendly level? I have done that before and never meant anything BAD by it, just as friends.

 

Relationship protocol is hard to understand.

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"She has told the guy that she has a bf and if he continues giving her gifts, the onus is on HIM, not her."

 

No, I really think it's on her. She needs to back up her statement that she's not interested in any other men by demonstrating that she doesn't want to be seduced or flirted with by other men. Giving someone something once a year or so is very different than sending frequent gifts of non-specific things like chocolates. There is no excuse for this, and it's building up a fantasy relationship in the other guy's mind.

 

She has control over what she does with the gifts -- and she needs to return them.

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I just spoke to her on the phone and in a really non-accusatory, good-humored way I brought up this guy and the gifts and all. She said it was just "how he is".

 

She remembers very clearly being very uncomfortable when she took the business trip to VC and he picked her up at the airport with a trunk full of Valentines Day stuff for her and had all these plans for fancy dinners-- he even invited her to stay at his house there instead of in the hotel. She told me all about it when she came back-- back then (last February) she and I were still just friends.

 

So what I don't get now is that, seeing as he clearly had some intentions that were not work-related back then, why is it totally benign for him to still be sending these things to her? Today she said they were just "thank you" presents for work-related things, but it doesn't ring right to me, especially because of that V-day visit.

 

Anyway, the guy was fired this week, and that's how he came up in conversation at all. We ended our conversation by agreeing that if he was still mailing her things from now on (now that all work-related relations are over) then it would be inappropriate and she would tell him to stop.

 

I guess we'll see what happens, if she decides to tell me about it at least.

 

But I can't help but wonder if I will be able to stay happy knowing that this is something with her that doesn't seem like will ever go away. The things from a few weeks ago were the rule, not the exception, and this latest thing is just more of that.

 

Someone PM'd me from the forum saying that if I trust her, maybe I should tell her not to tell me all of this stuff-- someone else said the same thing a few weeks ago. It makes sense that if it's not a big deal to her, than it shouldn't be a big deal for me either. But is it healthy for me to have an attitude like "I don't even want to know about these things because it will make me upset"? If she did stop telling me about these things, I think at this point I'd end up constantly wondering what was going on, you know?

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I think that bella and DN who mentioned that she likes attention - I think that is right. Some women just like male attention, even if they aren't planning on taking things further. Some women just like having a ton of guys shower them with attention. I think your gf may be one of them.

 

I'm not sure that the problem is the guy's gifts, moreso, it's a general overriding issue of her maybe leading guys on for her own self-esteem issues.

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