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I'd give anything...please help!


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For anyone reading this, as you can see you have your reading cut out for you and I thank you in advance for doing so and for your advice!

 

Well I never thought that I could find a place for relationship help in an online forum but I guess we all learn something new everyday!

 

So here's the story. I am a 24 year old male living in Northern CA. About 7 months ago, I was still in school working on my degree. A girl in one of my classes asked me to go to coffee and the rest is history. An almost perfect (no such thing as a perfect relationship, right?) relationship ensued and for the first time in my life, I found myself really genuinely happy.

 

She's smart, beautiful, has a good head on her shoulders, great family life and she was a great person. Very empowered and confident woman (which is hard to find in women my age bracket in my experience.) First woman I ever met who liked me for me truly. In the 6 months we were together, we had many good times: dinners, trips, visiting her family (who liked me too).

 

But like any relationship we had arguments. And one night, it culminated into the one thing I can say that I would give anything to change in my life. Almost 2 months ago, I went over to her house and she became angry at me because I hadn't spent much time with her in the past two weekends. She came out saying "this isn't a relationship, we don't have a relationship." Because I felt that I had put a huge amount of effort into the relationship, those words came as a sharp and painful blow. She asked me if I was willing to work on things and in frustration, I said "no" and walked out. I haven't been back since.

 

About a week after, we started talking again but only online chats at work. I soon found out that the reason she had said what she did was that she was falling in love and frustrated with the fact that I wasn't making her a big part of my life. And I realized I was guilty of that. I hadn't really taken her around my family or friends too often. I thought I could give her myself and that would be enough. Almost instantly after I had walked out, I wanted to be back together with her.

 

She called me again on my birthday. She became teary when I asked if I could see her and told me that it had been a hard time for her dealing with the emptiness that existed in her life without me. I told her we should try to be together again and she said that it would be a long time because she wanted to make sure that I wanted her and not just a girlfriend in my life. She also said that it was too soon and she wanted to make sure she would be in a better state of mind when making her decision.

 

A week later, I was hit hard. I realized my feelings were more intense for her than ever. I started crying out of nowhere at work (which is something I have never done.) I also started becoming agitated that I could not see her or talk to her on the phone but only chat with her online. It reflected when we chatted. One day I lashed out and she dropped off of the chat screen. I sent her a text essentially apologizing and saying that I missed her. The next afternoon she came online and essentially told me that she wasn't feeling the same way and that we shouldn't talk as much because she didn't want to hate me and worry about what I was doing all the time.When I asked her when she would want to talk again she said that it was "up to me." In shock, I agreed to everything. From that point on, I broke down. I started crying uncontrollably on a regular basis. I had trouble functioning and all I could think about was her and having the chance to be better for her. I sent her this email after she had notified me that she didnt want to talk as much.

 

"I know what you suggested yesterday might be for the best. But before I can commit to it 100% there are things you should know. You were one of the best things to ever happen to me. I know we had our moments but I have come to realize that pains are part of a growing relationship. I was too stupid to realize that on that last night when I walked out. I should have stayed and tried to work things out and now I am paying for that.

 

The whole truth is, I still want us to be something someday. I see myself being with you and working on things together with you. I know you might think that it is just a symptom of a break up but I can tell you that you are the one I want and not just a girlfriend in my life. All the memories that have been flooding my mind lately are about you and things that we did and unique things about you. One of the things I always remember is how you wouldn't let me go in the mornings when I had to go to work and how you always wanted hugs. Even though sometimes I might have acted annoyed, It was something that I loved about you.

 

I know that you don't want to get hurt again and what I did caused you a lot of pain. Maybe time is what needs to heal this. Maybe it will never be healed. I just think that you need to know this: I still want to be with you. I want nothing more than to make things work and to be a better boyfriend. I want to make you a bigger part of my life. I want to you to be part of my best memories. I want to be part of yours.

 

I know that we tried talking and we fought and got into arguments. Things were tense. For me, I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I could chat with you but not talk to you or see you as much as I wanted to. So now, we are at the point where talking can be hurtful. I realize that you don't want to hate me and I don't want to hate you. I just needed you to know those things. If you find out that your life is a better place without me and we never talk, so be it. Just know that you were one of the best and greatest things to happen to me and that I still believe there could be an "us" some day. I am willing to take whatever steps necessary to make this work but if thats not what you want I ask that you please tell me and not try to let me off gently. Believe me it would hurt less if I knew right away.

 

Thats what I wanted to say. I am sorry if this hurts you more, I just needed to let you know how I felt."

 

 

This was before her birthday weekend. She went to another state to see her favorite band play and the fact that she was having the time of her life without me added to the situation. After spending time with my family and best friends and talking a lot. I came to the realization that I was in love with my ex girlfriend and would do anything to get her back. She returned with this email when she got back from her vacation.

 

"I stand firm on what I said before. I think that with everything that's happened that waiting it out's for the best. I'm really confused about everything and I really don't even know what I want anymore. I still care for you, but I think that I need time as well to let the clouds over my judgment fade over so I can make a good decision. Although I am not discounting anything you say, I still don't believe that either of us can make a reasonable decision at this point and truly know what's for the best. I wish you the best and look forward to talking to you in the future."

 

I told her that I respected her choice and knew it would be what was better for both of us.

 

Now, I can say that I am suffering. I don't sleep as much, I break down and cry on a regular basis. I don't know what is going to happen. I have not allowed myself to meet other people because I believe in karma and I still believe there is a chance for us that i dont want to ruin. I have talked with a large amount of my friends who have surprisingly gone through similar if not the same situations. Some suggested I profess my love right away. Others suggested that I just drop contact and leave it up to her to contact me. And the final solution that someone suggested to me last night is to try calling her once a week and talk to her or leave her a message just to see how shes doing and letting her know that I am still there.

 

I am really clueless and honestly afraid. I don't think that I will ever meet a girl like her or find a relationship like ours. We met in class(not in a bar) we hit it off well, she liked me for me and most importantly, I know that I love her. I I would give ANYTHING to have another chance to be good for her. Before I met her, I saw myself living life permanently as a nomadic yuppie bachelor moving from city to city until my age caught up with me. But this woman showed me that quality of life isnt always based on how many places you have called home but on the quality of your relationships. And the scary thing is, I see myself being with her for a really long time

 

 

So I guess with ALL this, I am wanting to know if anyone who's gone through a similar situation thinks that I stand any kind of chance and if so, which strategy should I take out of the three: no contact, immediate love confession or weekly phone call. Thank you so much for reading all this and your advice, it truly means a great deal.

 

 

 

Erik

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Hi, Erik. Welcome to eNotalone. I wish I had some advice for you on how to change her mind. At the moment, I don't, but here's my take on your situation.

 

IT SUCKS. Yeah, you made mistakes that you regret. But you also beautifully articulated this in your email to her. I thought your email was incredibly honest, mature, and frankly, a perfect "Let's try this again - I'm committed to doing so" letter. If I got a letter like that from someone I loved, I'd be at his place within 30 minutes and throw my arms around him.

 

I'm having a difficult time understanding why her response was so...firm. Actually, harsh would be a better word for it. I am having a difficult time understanding why she is rebuffing what she wanted all along. It could be emotional immaturity...some people just don't realize that relationships take work, real work, when we hit a snag.

 

But the other thing I'm concerned about...and I don't think you're going to like hearing this...is that she may be seeing someone else now. That comment about "confusion" is a classic hallmark of someone else being in the picture. That whole "wait and see" attitude is also very convenient to take when someone else is in the picture. Because that can very well mean, "Wait and see if this works out or not, then I'll get back to you if it doesn't."

 

I could be dead wrong. But I've seen it before. Many times.

 

You were direct in your email about your feelings. I want to commend you for that, even if you feel right now it didn't do you any good. I promise it did, because if you hadn't, you always would have wondered, "What if..."

 

thereforeeee, you do not need to make any more declarations of love. But you might want to ask her if she's seeing someone else, and to pose the question like this: if she is, it's best for her to be honest with you about that. If she truly has any feelings left for you, to respect you enough to tell you...

 

That ought to get the truth out of her. Don't add anything to it, such as "If you are, I'll bow out." Because then she will be almost sure not to tell you the truth.

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Hi Scout,

 

First of all, thanks for reading the insane amount of writing that I put forth. As you can imagine, getting stuff out is one of the things that I have found that helps in this situation. And replies like yours help me realize that there are people who know what it's like so thank you for that as well.

 

I questioned why her response was so firm as well. As I mentioned she is a very strong and empowered woman which is good but I think that in this case, she was still maybe bitter regarding the arguments we had before. I also think shes putting it up to make herself stronger if she's been hurting.

 

I also have questioned the possibility of if shes seeing anybody. Maybe it is my wishful thinking talking but I quickly weighed this out. Prior to me she had not had a boyfriend in over a year. She had not really dated anybody about 4-5 months prior to me. I know that the breakup has been hard for her and I know that she cares for me enough to the point where she would tell me and be honest with me as I would her. Also we haven't communicated since last Thursday and I don't think that popping that question would really be appropriate.

 

Again I appreciate your input, it helps a lot! And thank you for the welcome, I am glad that communities like this actually exist.

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Wow, that was a beautiful email you sent her.. and for now it might be best to just take her at her word, she's "confused, and not sure"... try not to read between the lines..

 

when someone is "confused, not sure", it's usually wise to start giving them "space"... could you let go for a bit?

 

I think it might be a good idea to let her have a life without you being "there" and give her some time to "miss you" (yes, I know you fear that she might not miss you) but it's important to give her the opportunity to

"discover" her feelings, this usually takes place once we start to "let go" and do not contact them...this no contact also allows you the "opportunity" to try to "let go" and "move on"....

 

This doesn't mean that you "move on" forever, but for now, you can gain some perspective if you just take this time to let go, and stay away for awhile, give her the space, I wouldn't make it a declaration to her or anything, it doesn't help you to say: "I'm going to leave you alone"..

 

You do NOT have to say that, just start with baby steps, make a deal with your own self, your own actions, by starting one day at a time to "give her some space" no emails, no texts, no chats, no calls.. just respect her "confusion" and take yourself out of her "confusion image" and remove yourself from being there".. sometimes this can eventually make the exes "feelings come into focus", because you make a choice to quietly, respectfully, slow down and not contact them.. and then they sense that you might actually be moving on, you're not calling, emailing, texting, chatting, what is he up to??

 

Has my "confusion" pushed him away for good? See, this is the kind of "clarity" that can arise if we give the ex some "space".. not by telling them we are doing so, but instead by just doing it.. one day at a time..

 

During this time YOU also have the opportunity to "heal" and gain some perspective, taking time to ask yourself..

 

What is really driving my emotions right now? Is this my love or my ego?I'm afraid of not having what I "want" and then if I do get it, will I really be "ready" to fully dedicate myself? Or do I need some time as well? Should I take this time to forgive myself for any regrets of behavior? Can I feel good about having sent an email stating my true intentions, and now have the respect to let that sink in for her? Can I accept that I am powerless over her choices and perhaps the best thing now is to let go and let fate take it's course? Can I be grateful for the lesson I've learned that I DO have the potential to love deeply and to compromise and emotionally grow? Can I accept that if she does "discover" through my "letting go" that she wants to try again as a couple, it will happen in her timing, not mine?

 

this is a tough time, and I really feel for you, but please forgive yourself for the day you said, "no" and walked out the door, that's okay.. that stuff happens, and when the love is a mature, emotionally healthy, sound, trusting, meant to be, love.. well once you've apologized as you have...this kind of authentic meant to be love can rise above all the past mistakes/lessons.. and grow into something even more beautiful, but it takes BOTH people wanting to try.. so just give it time to be "discovered" and take time to "let go"...

 

One thing is for sure, you have the gift of discovery that YOU have the potential to love deeply, and learn about yourself, and improve yourself.. sometimes we just have to be sad for a bit, to learn all this.. and it's all a part of the journey to your real, true, wonderful love, with the ex, or with someone new...

 

let us know how you are doing....

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Hi there NorCaSpinna

 

The thing is that when two people break up its hardly ever only one persons fault. You have a choice - you can focus on her being emotionally immature or selfish (not sure I agree with that point of view) or you can focus on what you did to cause this and the thing is the latter part is the only thing that you can still change. Actions speak louder than words, ok you sent her a heartfelt letter but have you actually made any changes?

 

It sounds to me like she is asking for some time. I would give it to her. I think its very possible she needs to see if you're for real. Most women go through it a few times that a guy wants them back after a breakup but then once he gets what he wants he doesn't want it anymore. Im not saying thats you but she may have experienced that before and may think thats whats happening. It sounds to me like you have been rash - one minute you're willing to let her go and the next you're devastated. Do you want her back right this minute or are your feelings strong enough to last? Are you a guy who only appreciates what he has when he's lost it or did you just make a couple of mistakes? Cause if she was taking you to see her friends and family and you weren't reciprocating I kinda understand her reservations about that.

 

I would stick to a weekly phone call. I wouldn't push but I would let her know you're still there. Don't sit around waiting for her but keep the door open. I know its unbelievably hard to do but quite a few people here on this board are already doing it so you're not alone. In your case I would definitely not do nc because you sound like you've been somewhat inconsistent and if I'm right about this she is probably going to think that you were full of s***.

 

I completely understand and know how painful it is to wonder if they found someone else but its pointless to obsess over that. What you had together no one can take away so focus on that. For now the best thing you can do is focus on your life and think about how you can do better next time as a boyfriend, whether that will be with her or someone else.

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You have a choice - you can focus on her being emotionally immature or selfish (not sure I agree there with Scout)

 

Eh? I don't think I suggested that...I said it could be that she's being emotionally immature and not realizing some work is in order here. But I also indicated that was just a possibility, and I had another thought about the situation, too...that someone else was in the picture.

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Hey Scout -

 

I'm sorry if that upset you, I'm just saying I don't agree with that point of view. I edited as you can probably see. But everyone is entitled to their opinion right? I just try to give the kinda advice that I like to hear - when I'm in a situation I like to try to put myself in the shoes of the other person (in this case the girl) so when I advice others thats what I focus on. I'm sure you give the advice that you think is best also. I definitely meant no disrespect and I have no idea if I'm right about this, could be very wrong.

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"one little lady bug"... I don't know if it's a good idea to keep up the weekly call... what "good" comes from this? At the cost of HIS emotions, and also taking away the "opportunity" for her to find some clarity..without feeling she needs to be "polite' in a weekly talk....

 

You can "keep the door open" by lettting go, and starting "no contact"... then you are allowing the "opporutnity" for the ex to "discover" thier feelings for you.. remember you can't see the forest through the trees, so try not to be a 'tree" in her life, right now, something that is "there"... you are there, if and when she makes an intentional effort to cherish your heart....

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No biggie, I wasn't upset, just wanted to clarify what I meant since it seemed a little misunderstood. I agree it does help to also consider what we contribute to a relationship's demise.

 

Nevertheless, in this poster's case, I'm still a little thrown off by the disparate tones of their emails. It seems he made a lot of effort to articulate his feelings, there was warmth and caring in his email, and her response...was kinda cold. Maybe for a reason, you never know, I don't know all the details of what went down in their relationship.

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Blender -

 

I'm basing this advice of mine on my own experience like I said in my first post. And I'm saying that if she feels the way Ive felt before that he either a) only wants her now that he can't have her or b) that he would snap back into the same behavior of before if they got back together (f.ex. not trying to work things out and not letting her meet his friends and family) - then if it was me (and again based on what I experienced) I would conclude he wasn't interested enough if he stopped calling and that either a or b was true. That he was just excited by the chase and then lost interest. Im not saying that its the case, Im just saying if she is going through what Ive been through before she might think so and then not calling would be the worst thing to do.

 

Im actually not too keen on a weekly phone call (I would do every 2 or 3) but Ive said it before - I think NC is grossly over-emphasized in this forum. I think NC works in two situations: 1) Right after the breakup to avoid all the messiness and 2) when you've already gone overboard and are to the point of being desperate and/or somewhat pathetic.

 

The rest of the time I doubt NC is the way to go. Ive had many and long phone calls with good friends about this although all females, and they all told me if a guy stops calling them they assume he's lost interest and they move on. I feel the same way.

 

However - since the OP only posted a short post (thank god or else I wouldn't read it - I don't read long posts as I have a limited time for this forum) I don't really know a lot about his situation. So I'm giving my 2 cents but thats really all that is. It's just one perspective in a whole spectrum.

 

Scout and NorCaSpinna - I just have the feeling from the original post that there is something more to it, that theres something NCS is leaving out. For one thing - it took a week for it to hit you and then another week... Why did it take you so long? And also - what did you do then? Is there anything you've been doing that could be kinda wishy washy to her after you broke up? How long has it been since you broke up?

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Thanks everyone again for your replies. I have come to the decision that I am looking at this as a "test." I think my plan of "attack" will be to wait for her but also maintaining a low profile presense. What I mean by that is the weekly call but instead of the call being "hey i miss you i need you ive been crying and peeing my pants every night over you," it will be more of a friendly checkup. My question is: if the last time we actually chatted in real time was on last Thursday and she responded to my email this Monday, when would be a good time to shoot her the first call. I was thinking tonight to wish her a happy thanksgiving but it might be too soon. Thoughts? Thanks again!

 

 

Erik

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There really isn't much more to it. We broke up about a month and a half ago. I think there has been the want to get back with her probably since 2 days after we broke up. During that whole time I have not even entertained the idea of starting anew with somebody else. I have been going out but it usually consisted of me just hangin with the guys and not trying to get numbers The reason why it has hit so much more lately I think is because of finding out why she said what she did and also increased maturity. I realized that what we had wasn't good...it was great.

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I can see everyone's point of view here,

 

It's important to respond to what YOU really know you have to offer, and also take in to consideration what is actually happening with the ex, if you have already expressed your love, She knows where you stand, and how you are feeling, so try to be in "acceptance" of this..

 

and if you feel a desire to have some contact because it's 'right for you" and not because you "hope to provoke a response" then tomorrow on Thanksgiving, you can send an email saying "Have a great Thanksgiving"...

 

If you do not get a response, will you be okay with that? If she does respond with a polite "you too" is that okay for you? Would you be okay if you sent nothing and made no contact for awhile?

 

Just ask yourself some questions and answer them with brutally honesty of your own heart... I know you are hurting and this is so tough..

 

The most important thing now is to stay in "truth".. the truth is you still love her, and you have told her how much you are hurting, she has made a choice to back off right now.. she needs time to absorb how SHE is feeling about this, BEFORE she can tend to how YOU are feeling about it..

 

and the "truth" is that sometimes in life we have to be "sad" for a bit.. it's a painful opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to "understand" others, more than "trying to be understood" at times...

 

You do what you think is best for you.. we are all here for you, and everyone here whether we agree or not, have taken the time to express our opinions, and with all this different advice, you can sit, think, and combine the advice with YOUR truth, and consider the "facts" as well as your "feelings"...

 

For today, please forgive yourself, give her time, and trust IF this love is authentic, and emotionally healthy it will survive and thrive through all of this doubtful phase..it will..trust it..trust healthy, authentic, real love.. because that is what this "heartache" allows you both the opportunity to discover...

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NCS -

 

I've been calling my ex every 2-3 weeks for the past 3 maybe even 4 months. He never called me on his own initiative but he always called back right away. Since about a month ago he's finally calling me on his own initiative and now he wants to fly in to see me (he moved out of state when we broke up). So that has worked really well for me and I recommend it. I've sent 1 or 2 text messages but I wrote something he totally didn't have to respond to and before I sent it I made a deal with myself that I would not expect a reply - if I did I wasn't allowed to send it. It felt really good to take some time for myself and I generally feel 200% better.

 

So in answer to your question: I think a really innocent text or email tomorrow wouldn't hurt but then I would take it easy for a couple weeks after that.

 

And I just saw your reply to me - if thats the case I would just give it some time. Whatever happens in the end you will be a better person for hanging in there for a while, thats my honest belief.

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Well I have been going through this and it really svcks...

 

She left me as I was not myself anymore, tried to explain things to her she rebuffed and always kept in touch with me..I needed time alone and went NC she thought I hated her...I was only trying to sort me out and get better and told her...

 

SHe would always tell me it was to late, I never give a second chance, you had your chance but she would still contact even though she was dating someone else...

 

This has gone back and forth for a while now, her wanting to meet up and then blowing me off,now she is on to another boyfriend and it seems it is easier to be with someone new than actually try and work things out..

 

I know she is emotionally immature and it sounds like yours is to but also I hurt her and I don't think she would put herself back out there to me again...I wrote the letters =, told her, showed her how much I care and it still did not matter so now I don't do anything at all...

 

I love her more than anyone in the world and would do anything for her but I am done...Have been dating alot of women and nothing yet so I decided I am sick of dating....

 

Just leave it be, I tried to keep in contact every 2-3 weeks and she took it as we were friends after I told her I could not be her friend, she asked me why not...

 

You are going to go nuts over this believe me I know...

 

Just live for you and put her in the back of your mind, for now....

 

I know it is long and I hoped it helped...

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I dealt with my problems and my mind cleared and all my feelings for her came back, I love her more than anything or anyone...I don't know what to do with these feelings anymore...

 

SHe told me the reason I told her how I felt was because she left and she did not believe me...That was so far from the truth and there was nothing I could do or say to prove it to her...

 

What can you do with a stubborn pissed off person???

 

So she thinks the only reason I told her what I told her was because she left me and that I will get over her...LOL!!! I don't think I will ever truly get over her...

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"NCS", I think you did express love for her in your emal you clearly stated, and I quote:

 

" I just think that you need to know this: I still want to be with you. I want nothing more than to make things work and to be a better boyfriend. I want to make you a bigger part of my life. I want to you to be part of my best

memories. I want to be part of yours." END QUOTE

 

The thing is if I put myself in her shoes, well, you were back and forth in your email just a bit.. but it was still very "clear" that you want to try to make it work with you as a couple.

 

Do you think she is not sure how you feel? Have you not showed her your emotions clearly?

 

I think you might want to ask yourself these questions first... see what honest answer you come up with..

 

Give her some time...she's been a bit hurt, and it is wise for her and for you to take a step back, and gain some perspective..right now you are "re-acting" to your pain.. just feel it right now.. it's okay, cry, cry, cry... and write out all your feelings for YOURSELF, do NOT send them to her at this point..

 

You can wish her a "happy thanksgiving" if it is what feels right to do..keep it simple, one or two lines, no questions...just what you think is best...

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Hey all!

 

Well yesterday was Thanksgiving. Hope you all had a good one. I sent her the simple text of "happy thanksgiving" in the morning...to which I got no response. BUt then later that night I let my emotions get the best of me and did something that I kiiiiinda regret. I sent her a text saying "i'm thankful for the time we had together." OOPS. (and of course, no response) So I plan to take it easy for at least a week before I call her.

 

In the meantime, I've been getting all kinds of advice from friends and family young and old. At a thanksgiving party yesterday, I talked to a 16 year old high school junior and an almost 80 year old grandmother to see what their thoughts were. Lately everyone seems to think that I've done all I can and in the meantime I should date around to keep sane and not be breaking down and crying as part of my daily or even hourly routine. One of my friends sat me down to tell me about the evils of getting back together with your first girlfriend citing his own experience with his current; and tried to make me promise him that I would never get back with her...wow.

 

It has been hard, don't get me wrong. I think about her a great deal. I love her but it's becoming harder and harder to wait around and have concerns unanswered. Sometimes I get discouraged and think that there is not a chance and that she's stringing me along in revenge for me hurting her. I don't see myself meeting other women and potentially jeopardizing any chance of us being together again. But at the same time, its becoming harder and harder to be as happy as I should be.

 

Again thank you for reading and your replies!

 

 

Erik

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How is she "stringing you along"? She hasn't even responded to your last two texts.. perhaps you can pay more attention to her "actions" more than her words... she's making a choice to "not" respond, so just try to "let go" and move on, if in time she "discovers" she wants to "try again with you".. she knows how to get a hold of you..so for now.. live in the "reality" of her choice and try to move on.. I'm sorry your hurting, but you will get through this.. it's about "acceptance".. because the heartache and frustration you are feeling is coming from your "resistance".... to "accepting" things as they are for now... you'll be okay.. just try..try to let go a bit..

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Thanks, Blender & Everyone.

 

The Sunday night after my last post, I decided to try calling her and left her a friendly message asking about her thanksgiving and everything else. As expected. No response. I am starting to realize that the only thing I can really do in this case is let go and leave it up to her. Friends have told me give it two weeks and contact her again but I do not think that it will serve any good purpose.

 

In the meantime, I have started to turn my negative feelings and heartache into positive things. I got back in the gym and started hanging out with friends more. Staying active has helped me to stray from the situations that would usually get me down. I have even decided to go on a last minute trip to Vegas this weekend to help keep my mind off of things and get to the "moving on" stage.

 

In the end, I made the mistake of dropping her in the first place. It was my first real relationship and I was ill-equipped with experience. But now I have the knowledge that might help me from getting into a similar situation.

 

Thank you all for your posts and help. I think that I am definitely coming out of the "bottom" and headed back up and I will update you on anything if it is "update-worthy."

 

Wish me luck!

 

Erik

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Erik, good for you. You sound like you are taking the "opportunity" heartache provides and instead of wallowing in it, you are making a choice to learn from all this. Honestly, when a person who's heart has been broken makes a choice to step back, take care of themselves, and have the integrity and self respect to let go..well it makes you sooooo attractive..

 

Your healing has begun, it's going to have some set backs from moment to moment, but do not doubt that "No contact" for now is the best thing, it is.. it really is.. you're getting your sense of self back.. keep this up, go to the gym, work on you, forgive and love yourself, and I promise at some point you will actually have gratitude for having gone through all this.. you're doing great.. hang in there.. one day at a time..

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The only thing that I really find difficult with this is the worry that I am not going to find someone with the same characteristics as her. Needless to say, I was "spoiled" with my first. She was down to earth, attractive, had a great family life, friends, smart, educated. For someone in her age bracket, that will be no doubt hard to find. For someone outside of her age bracket living in this area, it will be hard to find...Can anybody give some advice for getting over this hurdle? Is this normal for a first real relationship?

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Yes, this is "normal"... and a huge advantage for you. Having realized what you appreciate about a girl is just another step towards wonderful character building aspects of your personality and life choices. You will meet so many incredible women in your life time, because you are becoming a man who can appreciate the finer quality in YOURSELF and now what you are seeking for in a woman.

 

And another thing to remember is that this journey may lead you and your ex back together at some point.. choosing no contact right now offers the most realistic hope towards a real, authentic, foundation on YOU being with her in the future, or with someone new... either way this time is so valuable right now.. this heartache is a bridge to all good things.

 

You will not only meet someone who is down to earth, atttractive, has a great family life, good friends, smart, educated, you will ATTRACT this type of woman into your life because YOU are becoming a more fullfilled, well rounded, mature, understanding and self respecting man.

 

This is what comes out of the heartache of a "FIRST LOVE".. it's a gift.. and the best is yet to come...

 

One day at a time, give yourself credit for how much you have grown, learned and are now choosing to incorporate into your own sense of self.

 

Try not to think of this as an "ending".. because: This story has only just begun.. you are the writer, the adventurer, the courageous and wise man who is going to embrace whatever the future holds with enthusiasm and respect for all the endless opportunities that await you, in love, in career, in life...

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