'Getting it out of your system' before marriage

Thoughts?

I'm wondering if anyone subscribes to the theory that engaged guys need to have one final fling before the big day (that is a direct quote from someone I know), so they get it out of their system before marriage.

Do guys really think that after marriage this discipline will kick in and they will suddenly be able to resist the urges? Or is there some validity to this approach- maybe guys just need to have some really mind-blowing sex before settling for one person for the rest of their life.

I am confused. I don't agree with it, I think this mindset is symptomatic of problems with the relationship and of someone not ready to settle down, but I'm a girl and you know how we like to over-analyse these things.

What do you think??

The way I see it, if such thoughts even crosses the mind, the person whether it's a guy or a girl is not ready for any serious & committed relationship let alone marriage.

This a situation where women have a better sense of the morality of the issue. So, why are you confused? The men that subscribe to this theory are insecure in their manhood and were not 100% into the so called relationship. I know of a friend who did this a week before his marriage and has felt guilty for the last 16 years of their marriage. He can only imagine how much more enjoyable his marriage could of, would of, or should of been without the guilt.

As a male I understand it, but I don't agree with it and nor would I do it.

This a situation where women have a better sense of the morality of the issue. So, why are you confused? The men that subscribe to this theory are insecure in their manhood and were not 100% into the so called relationship. I know of a friend who did this a week before his marriage and has felt guilty for the last 16 years of their marriage. He can only imagine how much more enjoyable his marriage could of, would of, or should of been without the guilt.

I suppose I'm confused because my friend is essentially a good guy. He is kind, really smart and thinks things through. He says he has thought over every possibility regarding this, and he thinks getting married is the right thing to do.

I suppose I just don't understand because we get along so well, and have so much in common, yet this I cannot understand in him.

That's so funny. Yeah, because guys really have SO much testosterone that they should go sleep with as many women as possible...

To any and every person - MYTH MYTH MYTH...if you feel like that, don't get married, and please stop being a jerk. Thank you and goodnight!

I can't see how on earth that works for continuing in a relationship - let alone marriage, and fail to see how it couldn't be seen or treated as cheating- regardless of the excuse.

It is a myth - "last night of freedom" i think it is more to do with men panicking about the prospect of never having sex with another woman, they think they are having the last bite of the cherry (so to speak).

I think if a man i was marrying done this....i would be very concerned as he clearly isn't ready or able (without feeling he's given up his freedom) to committ.

No goer i reckon!!

I know of a friend who did this a week before his marriage and has felt guilty for the last 16 years of their marriage. He can only imagine how much more enjoyable his marriage could of, would of, or should of been without the guilt.

I think you make a very good point with this example.

I know if I plan on getting married to someone (which I hope happens sometime soonish) that I'd be committed to them and only them. I wouldn't do anything with anyone else from the moment we're together.

Then again I've never wanted to do the whole one night stand thing, and never have done.

The way I see it, if such thoughts even crosses the mind, the person whether it's a guy or a girl is not ready for any serious & committed relationship let alone marriage.

I agree that it should not be done - whether it is thought of - thoughts are another thing entirely - people can have rich fantasy lives which are not shared with anyone - the "vows" only require that you not act on them. Everyone gets tempted at one time or another and - gasp - "thinks" about "what if."

I'm wondering if anyone subscribes to the theory that engaged guys need to have one final fling before the big day (that is a direct quote from someone I know), so they get it out of their system before marriage

I most certainly do not agree with this. The engagment already signifies a promise of a commitment. Having a "fling" is a violation of that commitment and an is an "affair". The person who has the affair then walks to the alter under the contention of a lie. The marriage is tainted. They will likely cheat again in the future. If commitment didn't matter when they were engaged, it won't matter when they are married either. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater.

BellaDonna

A person with that sort of mindset is not ready to "settle down" and get married. In fact, expect cheating before and after the marriage.

The way I see it, if such thoughts even crosses the mind, the person whether it's a guy or a girl is not ready for any serious & committed relationship let alone marriage.

123, can't agree more here.

yipes.

i agree with the other posters: if a person (man OR woman) is so uncomfortable with the idea having sex with only one person for the rest of their lives that they need to cheat before the wedding even happens, then they are not ready for marriage in the first place.

this is why i would never advocate saving sex for marriage. in most cases, an adult needs to experience sex with several different people before he or she is ready to commit. however, once they have made the decision to commit, they should ALREADY feel like it is all "out of their system."

i know that for most of my sexually active years, i was terrified of the prospect of having sex with only one man for the rest of my life. i started having sex at 13, and from about 16-22 i always had a wandering eye, and was absolutely not ready for marriage. if fact, i even broke off one engagement at 21 when i realized that about myself.

however, now i have had PLENTY of experience, and have literally no interest (none at all) in being with anyone other than my current partner. the whole "mating dance" of hooking up and having to newly get to know random people gets really old once you've done enough of it. (not to mention that sex gets better as two long-term partners get to know each other's minds and bodies better). i could see myself continuing to explore sexuality, but only WITH HIM for the rest of my days -- provided the relationship stays as good as it is. experimentation is not over, but extracurricular is, if you get my point.

if you are mature AND with the right person, you can have all the variety you need in the confines of a monogamous relationship.

I would not marry someone, or stay with someone, whom believed that, never mind did it.

Being engaged or being in a relationship with somebody to me is also a commitment, and also requires faithfulness and monogamy. If one really felt justified to have a fling with someone to get it out of their system, it would show me just how little respect they had, and how unready they were for the commitment.

Whether they cheated or not after the marriage would be irrelevant to me, as they have already demonstrated their intent and lack of respect and commitment.

There is no reason why you can't experience a sexually satisfying sex life within the marriage, and if you really feel you need to have a fling or else you are "stuck" the rest of your life you are not ready to get married.

oh, this really bothers me because if he isn't having mind blowing sex with his future wife, then he is probably settling for someone who isn't right for him, and it will be a matter of time before he starts thinkhing about affairs as the solution to boredom...

i think anyone who loves their spouse can understand the sexual itch to pursue something other than the familiar... but it is not an excuse to engage in affairs if one is already bored with the spouse/future spouse before marriage.

so a 'final fling' will never be enough for someone who chose a wife who bores them sexually... so it is really sad to hear this... a commitment to a spouse has to involve a lot of sexual spice or compromise in terms of trying to keep the sex interesting... a fling with someone else right before marriage won't solve this, if the guy is not satisifed with the sex his wife will provide after marriage and for years to come.

so a 'final fling' will never be enough for someone who chose a wife who bores them sexually... so it is really sad to hear this... a commitment to a spouse has to involve a lot of sexual spice or compromise in terms of trying to keep the sex interesting... a fling with someone else right before marriage won't solve this, if the guy is not satisifed with the sex his wife will provide after marriage and for years to come.

I totally agree. I think this guys thinks that he has enough of the good stuff with his fiance- they have a laugh together, get along well (obviously), and he clearly loves her- for the lack of sexual excitement or lack of sex itself not to matter that much.

However...

Clearly it does matter to him, so much that he is willing to cheat to get some fulfillment. Hello, warning sign???? So frustrating that everyone seems to be able to see he is making a mistake but the man himself. His wedding is coming up in 3 months and it looks like he is going to go through with it.

Oh, and this guy has been seeing another girl, having a sexual relationship with her- for 6 months.

If a man subscribes to that theory then hes a piece of trash. Either that, or he just is not ready to settle down, and marriage shouldnt even be in his vocabulary.... let alone in his plans.

Then why even think about a commited relation if you feel the need to sleep around. In that case, a simple answer would be to break up and find someone that's interest in an "open relationship".

I kinda feel like I GOT IT out of my system before I met my partner, and that's why I feel ready to marry him.

I don't see how giving myself physically to someone else when I have promised myself to him forever is going to help anything. If I had the inclination to see other people, we wouldn't be getting married in the first place.

Kinda seems to be common sense to me. Am I missing something?

The first justification is, "If I can just get this one last fling out of my system, I'll be ready." My reaction to that is

- if the urge to be with someone else is that strong

- if you surrender to that urge so easily

how long will it be before you have to get something else out of your system?

A lifetime is a long time to stay faithful.

There are married people you meet who might meet someone they find attractive but they're not going to act on it. That's as far as it goes.

Then you meet the married people who are still on the prowl. They're just waiting for circumstances to comply.

There probably are some people who have the last fling and then stay true. For the other 99%...