How do I deal with a husband who has no time for me?

My husband and I just celebrated our first anniversary, and sadly, I am dreading what the next year will be like. We recently moved 1500 miles away from our friends and families so he could enter his dream PhD program. I work from home, and for financial reasons I will continue to work from home. Because I'm at home all day and my husband's always busy with school, I find myself getting very lonely. I am doing things to get out of the house – taking a cake decorating class, getting the wheels in motion to go back to school part time and pursue a Masters degree. However, I miss my husband. He rarely has any spare time, and what little spare time he has he tends to spend with his peers. I understand that they are his support system during a very stressful time in his life, but I can't help wondering where's my support system.

I love my husband so much, but this marriage has become emotionally draining. When he can't make time for me, I find myself worrying about what's wrong with me. What do his peers have that attracts him to spend time with them that I don't? How could I support and make sacrifices for a person and still not deserve even a little bit of his time?

I understand that he's got enough on his plate. The poor guy stays up all night doing research and writing papers. He's always has so much to do; I'm surprised he manages to get it all done. Knowing how busy he is, I feel guilty asking him to attend to me and to my feelings. At the same time, whenever I hear about other women spending the day with their husband, I want to cry. My husband doesn't even have time to be intimate with me. Maybe he's tired of me but feels bad saying so after I've made so many life changes for him? I don't know. I don't even feel right bringing these feelings up to him when I know he doesn't have the time to discuss them with me.

How do I cope? How am I going to manage dealing with this for the next five years? Any advice anyone can offer will be greatly appreciated. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep alone every night.

welcome to enotalone.

congrats on your one year anniversary. that is great. well, I am not married, but I am a grad student, so I know how tough time can be. is he a first year student? sometimes, things are most difficult the first year, and then get easier as time goes on, but not always.

I would sit down with him and tell him that you miss him and want to see him. maybe friday night can be your "date night", just to spend a few hours together, away from the stress of everyday life. you need to keep your relationship healthy together.

how is he towards you otherwise? loving and considerate? did things change suddenly when he started grad school or was he good to you before?

Annie,

Thanks for the response. He is in his first year, but some of the second and third year students have told him to expect it to get worse before it gets better. It feels so hopeless. We've tried "date night" and it doesn't seem to work too well because he'd have to come home and stay up all night doing work. Which would lead to me feeling guilty. I don't like doing that to him, I'd rather he got in a few hours of sleep than spent a few hours bowling or watching a movie with me.

Prior to him beginning school, we had issues, as every couple does. I'm overly sensitive and he's not very sensitive, so that is bound to lead to conflict. However, we at least had the time to work through our conflicts and learn more about each other. He had the energy to pay attention to my feelings and help me come up with productive solutions. Now, on the other hand, if he says or does something insensitive I find myself having no choice but to let it go because he doesn't have the time to talk to me. I know this leads to a lot of misunderstands, but I really don't feel right wasting his time trying to clear those misunderstandings up. Does that make sense?

well, friday night is friday night! I mean, he can go back to work on saturday morning.

a key to grad school is not burning out. it is a marathon, not a sprint. link removed has a lot of great tips for succeeding in grad school. Yes, you have to devote a lot of time to your studies, but it's important to plan in some kind of social life, enjoyment time.

I was just watching CNN (larry king) and the episode was on happiness and successs. his interviewee found that the most successful people were actually the ones that took more days off than others at the company. because when they were rested, they could come up with good ideas, and make better use of their working time.

Some of the most successful grad students I know have an outside life. they are very involved in activities or hobbies, and devote time to relationships.

I think you should talk to your husband. like you said, you gave up a lot to join him for grad school. i think it's important to keep the relationship working. And I think if you two never spend time together, your relationship will turn into roommates as opposed to spouses.

However, I miss my husband. He rarely has any spare time, and what little spare time he has he tends to spend with his peers. I understand that they are his support system during a very stressful time in his life, but I can’t help wondering where’s my support system.

You are his WIFE. his ULTIMATE support system. I mean, you are the one that swore infront of God and all your friends and family that you two will be dedicated to each other. He did not take that oath with his classmates.

don't forget that! do not feel guilty for stating your needs. i have a feeling that you've been doing that for a while.

Thank you for the link. I will definitely pass it on to him. I sincerely hope that we can find a way to balance his school life and our married life. Hearing from another person in his shoes that it is possible is very reassuring, so thank you for that.

You are right that I feel guilty for stating my feelings. I feel like he has so much on his plate, is it really fair to add my drama? There was a time when I had no problem confronting him with a negative emotion, but now I feel like my feelings are second to his academic goals. I recognize that that's probably not true, but I can't help feeling it. I can try to make an honest effort at communicating these feelings to him, but I don't know how well I'll do. At the same time, I'd rather do something that's foreign to me than become my husband's roommate, which I can actually see happening if we continue this way.

Would it be bad if I wrote a letter explaining my feelings? That way, I can say as much as I want and not worry about wasting his time by going on and on? I've always felt like it is cowardly to deal with relationship issues any way other than face to face, but I can see myself abbreviating my feelings and then brushing them aside if I see him getting frustrated to impatient.

I've come to realize you can always express your feelings better in written words. There's no interruptions and you can get everything out, right down to the point.

I am married as well and things havent been the best in my marriage either but I do know that it is healthy to have one on one time with each other. Time to talk and express your thoughts and opinions and to see how your spouse is feeling about certain issues that are bothersome to you.

One of the best times, I have learned, to have a heart to heart with my husband is after intmacy. You see intimacy, for men, helps relax them, helps them feel loved and appreciated and most of all its a huge stress reliever for them. So you may be able to strike up a serious converstation after you and your husband have made love. However, if this doesnt work you can always discuss it with him while your sitting at the table eating dinner(which by the way, I have found, is also good way to communicate).

Hope this helps, I am by far no expert on marriage. I could use a few pointers too!LOL!

I totally agree with Annie, you should be his number one support system. His commitment to his PhD is one thing but his lack of commitment to his marriage is very concerning. It seems he has developed selective tunnel vision! As a part of his support system, it is fair to say that you have every right to remind him of his responsibilities to you and your marriage. I don't buy for one minute that he is so busy he can't make time, the fact is he is being selfish with his time. This marriage is headed for splitsville if something isn't done quickly. Some may argue that you knew what you were in for because of his dreams of getting his PhD but a marriage is a partnership and that is missing from this equation. It's time to have a major sit down with him and discuss this in a non-confrontational way. Present it with pie charts and bar graphs as visual aides if that's what it takes, as long as your message gets through to him!

Best of luck,

RC

Stacey and RC, Thank you both for the responses.

I recognize that my husband and I need to discuss how I've been feeling. I'm getting burnt out and that's not fair on either of us. However, I don't know that I can talk to him. I feel so guilty every time we discuss my feelings. I start thinking "Am I wasting his time?", "Is this going to make him resent me?", "Am I being unfair to him?". When I have thoughts like that running through my head, it's hard to have a productive conversation. Plus, I'm so sad all the time that as soon as we do have a chance to talk, I start crying. When I start crying, he says that we're not going to accomplish anything and that we're wasting time. I know he's right, me blubbering isn't going to fix anything, but I don't know how else to be. I appreciate the advice to talk to him, I guess now I am asking how. How do I talk to him, and communicate my feelings, when my feelings are obviously not helpful?

Hey there,

Your sitaution reminds me of my last long term relationship. My ex was incrediably busy, traveled and under a lot of stress...all due to his career. I was alone a lot. I spent many nights by myself, also his sense of time was really off so guesstimating a time he will be home was a challenge. Making dinner and plans was hard.

One big mistake I made was keeping quiet and playing "nice" about my feelings of him being gone a great deal. I thought I was being the supportive and understanding girlfriend by not saying anything and making life a little easier for him on the homefront. BIG MISTAKE!!! By me not talking to him about how I felt and feeling left out and deserted...he has no idea things were bothering me...so in his eyes, things were fine and I was fine with it. Most of the time I was but there were many times when I needed him the most and he was not there. It was a dark cloud over our relationship and we grew apart.

My advice to you, is talk to him about it. He is your husband...he married YOU...not his Ph.D. program. If you do not speak your concerns now, two things are going to happen. First, pent up resements on your end are going to pop up, no matter how hard you try to not let them. And he is going to have no clue where the heck they are coming from because you never talked to him about it. Which leads to the second thing, as far as he is concerned, you are content with these arrangements which in turn, leaves him no incentive to change them or to address your needs. Talk to to ASAP what you have revealed here. Marriage is not only about sacrifice, a big part of it is compromise.

Best of luck to you.

By what you are saying he clearly knows that something is wrong, why isn't he trying to get to the bottom of this? You should never feel guilty for trying to express your feelings and concerns, stop putting him on a pedestal! He is your husband and he needs to act like it! Are you afraid that he is going to tell you that you are over reacting and that you are being too needy? You have nothing to lose at this point. If you cannot articulate to him how you are feeling in words, then grab a pen and start writing! He needs to know and you need to get it off of your chest. What bothers me is that he appears to over look the symptoms of a marriage in trouble or simply chooses not to care enough to focus on what is most important, you.

RC

Yes,

I agree with RC. He is your husband, you have the right to voice your needs, feelings and concerns as he does. One thing I have learned on being assertive is using "I" statements. For example...

"This is how I see it..."

"This is how it makes me feel..."

"This is what I need from you..."

By using "I" statements, you are getting your point and needs accross in a non-threatening or attacking manner, thus leaving a better chance the other (your husband) will listen and not get defensive. Steer clear of accusatory statements such as "You don't do this...or you do this...or I hate it when you..." You get the picture.

If you have a difficult time talking to him about it, write everything down. I too, get very emotional and cry (usually) when I try to confront or talk to my boyfriend about something that upset me. He is very understanding and tells me to take my time. I am sure your husband will as well. You know him the best however.

Hello Lonely Me,

Believe me, when I read your article, I realized you had put my thoughts into words.

We are sailing exactly in the same boat, only that my situation has occurred a year later than yours.

My husband is not studying but his work keeps him so occupied, he rarely has the time for me. I know for a fact he loves me alot and I am his priority, he just is not able to put his words into action.

By the time he comes home, late at night, he is so tired, he can rarely keep his eyes open.. We have been married for five months only and we share intimacy just once or twice in a week.

About you feeling guilty, not being able to talk to him bout it because of guilt, crying yourself to bed, are the exact issues i am facing. I have many a times told him I need nothing but time from him. What I do is start comparing his attention towards me to his attention towards his work and colleagues. Only makes the situation worse.

Were you able to solve your problem somehow? Please help me get out of this situation.

Pray you do read this message.

With best regards,

FLovesK

You keep saying how busy he is - then why does he have the time to spend with his peers?

If he has time to chill with his peers; he has time for you.

Stop feeling guilty.

You're his wife, and you need to let him know if you need attention and a little time.

You sound like a good, loving, supportive wife. Kudos. But don't go so far in that direction, that you feel guilty receiving some much-needed attention.

You are doing the right thing in supporting your husband, but if you need some time and attention, it's okay to let him know. Good luck

Wow. I can really relate to your situation. During my last relationship I was in a PhD program. Things didn't go so well in my program for a variety of reasons so I constantly felt I had to compensate and make up for it because my career options were at stake. This continued into my post-doc too. I felt I had to make up for the things that weren't adequately produced during my degree (journal articles, etc.)

I really did end up having tunnel vision. Your husband does need to regain some perspective on things. This can be difficult to do because a PhD program can be fluid. First there is the change of just starting the program, and then after that each semester is different and can have different demands.

I really think that some boundaries have to be set that the two of you can agree upon. Perhaps him not doing work at home? Date night is good too. Maybe even try to get out together more often even if its just a 30 minute walk. It will relieve stress and give you quality time together. These are all things I didn't do and my relationship ended largely because of this.

Hey Guys,

Just a heads up- this thread is over a year old and the OP has not been back to update.

My husband and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary, and sadly, I am dreading what the next year will be like. We both belongs to different job profiles. I am a banker and he is an architect. I am miles away from my mom so cant be able to visite her regularly after 9 to 7 job. I also manage my home work, and for financial reasons I will continue to workalso. Because I'm at home after 7 every day and my husband's always busy with his work from 11am to midnight, I find myself getting very lonely. It is really boring to watch TV till my husband back home daily. I am doing things to get out of the house like shoping. However, I miss my husband. He rarely has any spare time, and what little spare time he has he tends to spend sleeping or watching news. I understand that he’s get tiered to he need rest also but where am I soupose to be when I need him to talk with me care for me.

I love my husband so much, but this marriage has become emotionally draining. When he can't make time for me, I find myself worrying about what's wrong with me. What do his peers have that attracts him to spend time with them that I don't? How could I support and make sacrifices for a person and still not deserve even a little bit of his time?

I understand that he's got enough on his plate. The poor guy stays up all day doing meetings, visiting construction sites and writing papers. He's always has so much to do; I'm surprised he manages to get it all done. Knowing how busy he is, I feel guilty asking him to attend to me and to my feelings. At the same time, whenever I hear about other women spending the day with their husband, I want to cry. My husband doesn't even have time to be intimate with me. Maybe he's tired of me but feels bad saying so after I've made so many life changes for him? I don't know. I don't even feel right bringing these feelings up to him when I know he doesn't have the time to discuss them with me.

How do I cope? How am I going to manage dealing with this for the next whole life? Any advice anyone can offer will be greatly appreciated. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep alone every night even he is sleeping beside me.

have you talked to him about this?

You do indeed need to talk about this to him. Unfortunately he sounds like a work-a-holic. People like that CHOOSE to spend all their time working because the CHOOSE to take on a lot at work. In other words, the world would not stop turning if he CHOSE to lighten his load at work..but he just doesn't want to. People like that who are married enjoy having the perks of marriage as long as they don't have to really do anything. You need to make it very clear to him that you did not get married so that you could end up spending your life alone and that your expectations of marriage is that quality time is spent with the spouse. If there are no changes in him after you talk to him, you might want to reconsider this marriage...because if you are spending all your time alone then you may as well be single again and free to find someone who shares your notion of what a relationship and marriage is all about.

I agree. You have to start putting your foot down. Talk to him. Start slow. Don't be afraid. Good marriages are about balance.

How do you cope? You remind yourself that he has a very high pressure job (2 of my relatives are architects - MAJOR pressure) AND we are in the middle of a recession, so I am sure he is trying to do whatever it takes to get the job done and prosper. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh - but he is working, it's not like he is out bowling with his buddies. You know there is nothing wrong with you and this isn't your fault. Try to put yourself in his shoes (and imagine how you would feel after working 14-15 hour days).

Regardless if you don't at least carve out 15hr a week to spend with each other your marriage is doomed...

You need to find things you can do together - suggest a date night at least once a week. Then find something the two of you can do together - it may have to be watching the news but watch and discuss it. You need to explain to your mate that your partnership if suffering due to the lack of attention the two of you are giving it.

My husband and I both work and he commutes 2hr a day for his job where he works 8 to 12hr shifts 5 to 7 days a week. We both have kids from prior relationships and I encourage him to see his kids as often as he can which is sometimes 1 to 4 evenings during the week so he can help them stay up on homework and make sure they are fed a good meal. On top of that for the last 6months the kids have been on opposite weekends - we have kids all the time. We carve out a couple of hours here and there and its hard... so many times I'm tired or he's tired. This week my son didn't come home till 8pm from a cub scout meeting so we had from 6 to 8. I started dinner and then we just lounged on the bed and talked and giggled - got some much needed one on one time.

You have to get your husband to see that if your needs aren't being met... the marriage simply dissolves away and you'll find yourself in the middle of an affair.

Good Luck

How do you cope? You remind yourself that he has a very high pressure job (2 of my relatives are architects - MAJOR pressure) AND we are in the middle of a recession, so I am sure he is trying to do whatever it takes to get the job done and prosper. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh - but he is working, it's not like he is out bowling with his buddies. You know there is nothing wrong with you and this isn't your fault. Try to put yourself in his shoes (and imagine how you would feel after working 14-15 hour days).

That's true, but as CAD rightly says, there is always an element of choice there. I have the type of job where the work expands to fill the hours available (and then some), where it will never be finished at any point. I'm constantly under a lot of pressure from collaborators and colleagues to get stuff done asap, and if I followed the path of least resistance and gave into the pressure I would work 18hrs a day, 7 days a week, and my relationship would be permanently on hold. A relationship needs attention and nourishment, though, if it's to prosper, and must be prioritised alongside work, even when people are screaming at you to do otherwise. You can be intelligent about it and give higher priority to work or relationship at different times depending on deadlines or anniversaries etc., but they both need to be treated as important.

Agreed... workaholism is an addiction like anything else... he needs to get perspective in his life and give his time and efforts to family and not just his job. If he's not willing to do that, then he shouldn't be married.... and you shouldn't have children that he'll also ignore.

Some workaholics like the convenience of a wife at home taking care of the house and family, but basicially he is using you and offering you very little if all he does is come home and ignore you (or rarely come home). I'd have a serious talk with him and suggest he gets counseling to deal with his workaholism...