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Hello all.

 

 

 

I needed to write to all of you today. I'm having such a hard time.

 

I thought by now I would start to feel a little better. I don't.

 

I'm fearful that this pain isn't going to end. I miss my wife, so much and as I'm writing this I'm feeling myself begin to cry.

 

I don't know what happened to my life, it was all so clear a few months ago, and no it's so uncertain.

 

I'm so depressed and hurt I feel most days like I won't make it. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss her. I know she has moved along, and I'm still stuck here dreaming of her every single night, and every second of the day.

 

I get home from work and I just cry myself so sleep. I still can't eat. I guess I'm eating enough to keep me alive because I'm still here.

 

I just want to call her, and ask her one more time if this is what she really wants, but I don't, because I know it isn't what she wants.

 

My life feels meaningless and like such a waste. I don't want to do it anymore.

 

It's been 31 days since I have spoken with her; I have had small amounts of e-mail contact only because she wants to draft a separation agreement.. That's all.

 

I haven't told her how I'm doing, or said anything about wanting her back for fear of being hurt. I haven't drove past her house or spoke with her family, I don't want to hurt myself by finding out she is with someone…

 

I want her back, and I can't have her. I can't jump this hurdle.. It's too high. I feel myself rotting away from the inside out. I still love her so much, and Wish everyday she will come back..

 

Whats wrong with me.. I feel im at the end of my rope. God please help me see the light... The darkness has all but consumed me.. and it shouldn't be long now.

 

I'm sorry for the depressing post. My support options are slim.

 

john

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Hey John. I am so sorry to hear you are still having such a hard time.

Splitting up is such a hard thing to do. It's a painful process, and it stinks.

The bad news is, because it is a process, it sometimes takes a little time.

The good news is, you can get through it~and when you do you will be better and stronger for having done so. I know that it is hard to see right now. You meantioned that you are still eating very little. Thats pretty normal, but you will to make sure that you are trying to eat as much as possible of things you can tolerate. Make sure you drink plenty of water and if you can excercise that might help. Do you feel like you need to see a doctor for

some possible relief in the form of an antidepressant? Or even because of the weight loss? Your doctor maybe be able to help with some of these things.

The most important thing is to try to re focus all of the love and energy you are still pouring out toward her, back toward yourself~because you are the one who is worth it. Post often, read often, there are allot people here on this site that really truly care. You have take care of you, thats the key.

Don't give in to that darkeness, you are the one holding the light, you truly are, give yourself a chance to find out all of the wonderful things that are on waiting for you in your life once you get through this. You can do it.

Take Good Care

Lone

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John,

 

I feel for you. Married 5 years, 3 year old son - I am going through the same thing, but she is still in the house (separate bedrooms for 6 months). She has asked for a divorce 6 times, so I finally told her that I couldn't change her mind and we needed to move on. She then breaks down and says she's not sure, but we have been nothing but roommates for 6 months now. No kissing, not touching, no intimacy or romance AT ALL. I know she wants out, she's miserable, but she's dragging it out and it was killing me!

 

I think I finally came to terms with it. And Lone is right - pour your love, energy, creativity, everything you have into YOURSELF. You're gonna need it and you will come out a stronger, better person!

 

I have been consuming myself with my career (careful, not too much there!), going to the gym, doing things with my son, picking up old hobbies, re-establishing my faith, reading, learning, and...well, I've actually found someone to talk to on-line (yes a female) -not about my impeding divorce, but about ME and HER. In situations such as ours, we need to overcome the rejection and feel good about ourselves, and she has given me something to look forward to, someone to share with. And guess what? After thinking that I could never get over it, I'm feeling this sense of, well, attraction and happiness with this woman. Kind of a flirty, fun, enjoyable person to share my life with. It's uplifting!

 

You have been hit with a tidal wave and you're in shock. Soon the tides will recede and you will look around and see the damage that was done. But trust me, there will be a point where you will formulate a plan, pick up the pieces and start to rebuilt. And what you rebuild will be stronger and far more resistant to another catastrophe...

 

We're here for ya!

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Hi John,

 

I know how you're feeling. My wife of 4 years left me for someone else just over a month ago and she practically shoved separation papers in my face. I moved out, just to get away from all the good/horrible memories and I'm having a hard time dealing with the loneliness.

 

My best advice is to make as clean a break as possible.. if she keeps contacting you about separation papers, etc, get that out of the way and initiate NC ASAP.

 

I have no doubt you were good to her, and like me no matter how much you gave and gave, this is what you got back. Both of us need to realize that we're great people and the person that we love has not only made a huge mistake in leaving something so good but ALSO that the person we fell in love with isn't the same person. The person we fell in love with wouldn't be doing this to us - being so cold and uncaring, so uncommited...

 

So there you have it.. that's what I'm working on right now - realizing I'm a great person, this wasn't my fault, it was the biggest mistake of her life and she WILL realize that and, eventually, I will meet someone who /appreciates/ the kind of love I have to give, and when that day comes I will be the happiest man alive.

 

I have days where I'm great - like yesterday - when I felt like I had my whole life to look forward to. And then I wake up the morning today in an empty bad, in my quiet empty house, and I think of all I've lost. Then I have to repeat to myself that I was happy alone once before, and I can be so again... that I won't be alone forever, that I'm a great person, that she will regret the choice she made, and that I will find someone who appreciates me and shows that appreciation with her love and devotion.

 

About not eating - same thing for me. I've lost 20 lbs in the past month, and really.. I needed to lose some weight anyway. I just wasn't planning on doing it this way! I've decided a good 'revenge' would be to get in shape and show her just how much more she gave up... so I'll start eating well, exercising, etc, instead of just wasting away.

 

Hang in there!

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Oh yeah, and what britnus said -

 

To fight off the loneliness and negative thoughts I've found it really helpful to be with friends (I don't have many... I basically ignored them for four years for her - huge mistake), listen to music (avoid the sad music about busted up relationships, or even the good music about good ones.. sometimes every song I listen to seems to be about 'us'... but there's some good rockin tunes to listen to and even some 'angry' music which has helped me, too.. being angry IS effective at dealing with this, and you have every right to be angry), watch movies or TV (I didn't watch much TV before, but now I'm forcing myself to do it, just so I can get my mind off of things), or go out and socialize somewhere (I'm going to be forcing myself to do this soon, as soon as I'm done unpacking all of my stuff).

 

Don't forget.. if you're in a position to do so, take everything that has a 'solid' memory of her attached to it and put in storage - it'll help.

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SPOT ON W1nter!!!

 

The weight loss - we needed it didn't we!

The friends- we blew them off to try to make someone happy who was probably not happy with themselves (my counselor says - when it comes to old friends - it only takes a drop of water to turn a desert into a garden!)

 

I smashed the guitar she gave me, burned every love letter and card, got rid of the pics of her and "us", and threw out anything else that was a gift from her! It's therepudic!

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SPOT ON W1nter!!!

 

The friends- we blew them off to try to make someone happy who was probably not happy with themselves (my counselor says - when it comes to old friends - it only takes a drop of water to turn a desert into a garden!)

 

That was a rough lesson for me to learn. When she left me I was friendless and hopless, so I called my old friend.. one who I've known over ten years and he gave me a couch to sleep on, listened to my sob story, and was just /there/ for me. This guy has had more dedication to a friend like me, someone who ignored him for four years, than my wife ended up having. My wife who was my best friend, or so I thought.

 

Mates may come and go, but good friends will be there for you forever. No one should ever forget that.

 

Of course, if you're reading this in this forum, it's probably too late... but good to know for next time.

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tell me vynde, how were you feeling last week? have you had any let up with your pain at all, is it worse today because its one of them really bad days?

I find when i have a bad night (sleep wise) if i have dreams about my ex then i am so much worse the next day!

I cant watch tv late at night or read anything heavy because my concentration wont let me,but i do try to read the daily papers etc before i go to sleep and think that takes my mind off things slightly.;

And i bought myself a book which was recommended on this site called "its called break up because its broken" i found this very uplifting and really helpful,in fact ive read it three times in six weeks lol.

Have you tried any self help books??

I hope you will feel better than this tomorrow, and make sure you keep posting ,we are all here to help you, DONT FORGET THAT!!

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Thanks guys,

 

for your support, I guess I have taken such a self-esteem shot that I haveing a lot of troule getting back up. I feel like I will not be able to meet anyonoe again, nor at this point to I even feel like it.

 

I just want to be better, I want to get over her, but I KNOW I still love her, and I feel like until I get over that feeling, I will not be able to heal.

 

Each day is so hard to get through, I know you all say this pain will pass.. I hope it does. /sigh

 

Thank you all. I guess every now and then I need a little support to push me up. This place is a true blessing..

 

john

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I find when i have a bad night (sleep wise) if i have dreams about my ex then i am so much worse the next day!

 

 

kath, I fnd that to be so true.. its so odd that you mention that. I find that when I have dreams about her ( which is almost ever night ) that the next day, I am well.. like a lost soul.

 

It there any way to stop those dreams, I have had 2 nights in the past month where I have not dreamt about her, and those days where ok.

 

good point kath.. anyone else have this problem??

 

john

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do you have any friends/family you can turn to? someone who you can talk to and vent all your feelings/frustrations and hurt. i can't imagine what you're going through... but time is able to heal everything. we are able to forget, and move on... thank god. the road ahead is rough, but your life isn't over.

 

your mind plays tricks on you, telling you you'll never be happy again, and you'll never find anyone else to love. but your mind is lying to you. can you try thinking of positive things? maybe your career, or goals in the future.. if you have no goals, maybe think of new ones.

 

u can get through this, u gotta be strong

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You will feel better - trust me. I spent the past 14 months thinking my life was over and that I would never be the same. Suddenly, a wonderful person has given me the shot of attention and affection that I thought I would never have again. I can honestly say, that I am no longer in love with my soon to be ex. I would have never believed it, but it does happen.

 

HANG IN THERE~!

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hey john,

i'm so sad to hear that you're feeling sooooo down. you were such an inspiration to me last week when i was wretched.....

remember that it's just one day at a time......and that each day that passes means you're slowly healing.

i have my days too.....feel like the weekends are worse because i'm less busy...but you sound like a wonderful man....

IT'S HER LOSS!!!!! remember THAT!!!!.....

you're worth soooo much more than she could ever imagine.....

 

listen to some music, try to work-out, try to force yourself to smile ( it kinda actually works), and remember that we're ALL here for you...

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Hey Vynde,

 

A yank here with some advise. Hope it's taken as a friendly gesture from one who is there and processing the same feelings.

Love of my life (12 years) left me for another. Unbelievable!!!

1) Yea...but it happens. Think you had the girl that was irreplaceable? So do I. So do a thousand others.

 

2) How could she love someone other than me? How did you fall in love with her? Who missed out in silence while she loved you?

 

3) How will it ever be the same? It won't. Even if there's chance, take the position of moving on. Embrace that bro. Embrace that. Gather your armour and battle the demons. They are ultimately weak and will slither away.

 

4) Were you attractive to her. Why? Because you were operating on eight cylinders. Don't park the car brother. Polish the hubcaps and scoot.

 

5) Is she on some golden brick road to Oz? No. In all liklihood she'll be alone while you are in the companionship of the Tinman and company. Believe that bro. You are a person that embraces love while she is on a improbable journey toward reward.

 

6) Believe in yourself. You did before this happened didn't you? Yea you did.

Don't drink the poison. Nothing about you has changed. If you are going to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for the that human that most of us in our best moments would regard as unattractive or repulsive, that sits in his/her room at night and wonders at love and compassion, who is justified in imploring to God "Why me?" Would you give him or her company?

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Cry bro, cry!!!!! It helps! Just don't let it consume you! We love you too! We are here 24x7 for you! It helps to vent, but it helps even more to listen to what Will is saying:

 

No one is irreplaceable! I remember when my first pet died, I was devastated; But guess what, I loved each one of my new pets more and more...

 

She fell in love with someone else - that was her choice NOT your fault. Yeh, it sucks, but so does work! Focus on what you DIDN'T like about her – if you really think, you will see that you glazed over all of her faults. Your memories of her at the moment are that she was perfect, but you KNOW she wasn't. Think really hard, it'll come to you and you will realize that there IS something even better out there waiting for you!

 

It will never be the same - but I promise it will be different and better! Don't ever compare. It's like a book, Chapter one may have been the best thing you've ever read, but it "don't stop ya" from moving onto Chapter two!

 

Yes ! Take the position of moving on! Think of being in a plane ready to parachute out. You could hesitate because you're scared, and end up flying around with your life on hold. But when you finally jump, you find that it is exhilarating, you land back on your feet and get on with your life, with a brand new experience and one less fear!

 

You were attractive to her, you still are attractive, and you will be to many, many others!

 

And...think of the worst thing that has happened to you in your life (beside this). You got over it, didn't ya? You're OK, aren't ya? You're breathing - right. Hey, if you have a pulse, the sky's the limit!

 

Love ya bro -

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Hi Camber, thanks so much for looking in on me.

 

I wish I could say Im getting better, However Im afriad Im not. Im doing everything that this fourm is telling me to.. but nothing is working. Im on my 37th Day of NC, Self help books, spending time with friends & family as much as possible.. I even walk around the block a few times trying to fend off the stress that is constantly squeezing my heart...

 

I find that I still miss my wife and feel I would do anything for her to come back. I cant even write this god dam post without crying.. Im so weak, I never used to cry.. I hate to even admit it, I cry all the time. I had to pull over the other day on the way to work.. My wife doesnt even try to contact me.. doesnt care.

 

Maybe its the upcoming holidays making me feel worse? I dont know.

I miss the life I thought I had...

I miss how I felt

I miss the person I was...

I miss the feeling of security...

I miss the feeling of knowing the future...

I miss the innocence I once had in believing that people you love wont hurt you..

I miss waking up in the morning with a smile and going to sleep with peace of mind.

I miss the beach, as im not stable enough to go it alone...

I miss looking at the stars on a clear night..

 

 

Thanks for lending your ear..

 

John

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OK John, time for some cheering up! Don't even think for a moment that there is ANYTHING wrong with how you feel!!!! Go on and feel those feelings, but work every day toward losing them. I'm still going through it.

 

I miss the life I thought I had...

Yep, me too, but guess what - we've just been given a chance for a BRAND NEW life - who would have thought that (especially at my age!). I'm thinking about all the things she did that made me miserable (oh yes, it's true in every relationship) and planning a new life without that aggrivation!

I miss how I felt

Me too. But I know some day, soon, I'll feel even better, with or without someone else. Turn that into positive energy - go do something that requires structure - and do it will all your might!

I miss the person I was...

What? You are the same person - hidden beneath your sorrow

and sadness! That 'ol John will come out better, stronger and happier!

I miss the feeling of security...

Think of what you NEED to feel secure - food, clothing, shelter, God - I'm sure they're all still there!

I miss the feeling of knowing the future...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, but turn that around! The future holds no bounds! We've been given a new lease on life - go out and shake those tail feathers - as they say!

I miss the innocence I once had in believing that people you love wont hurt you..

People are human, we will do that. When you recover from this you will be stronger, and in your next relationship you will understand that no person can promise you anything - only God can do that!

I miss waking up in the morning with a smile and going to sleep with peace of mind.

Well, you're still waking up aren't you? That's the first step

I miss the beach, as im not stable enough to go it alone...

Force yourself. I sometimes have to force myself out of the house, sometimes it's painful and I'm just going through the motions, and sometimes i have a GREAT time. You never know, your soulmate, or perhaps just a soon to be good friend might be out on that beach - hurry!

I miss looking at the stars on a clear night..

I looked last night - they're still there! And there's probably thousands of women aout there that would enjoy looking at them with you - be patient, the stars will always be there, trust me!

 

Kep posting here John - I want to help you through this!

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Bravo Camber! Bravo!

John~it make take every little bit of strength you have inside of you to fight for happiness, but it is your happiness! You can get through this, it will not be easy but you can do it. Focus on you, focus on the man you were before, focus on the man you want to become. Its about you now!

Someone out there is deserving of your love, but you need to be a complete

person so you are ready when you meet her.

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Thanks, All of you.

 

Sometimes its so easy to loose focus and fall into the darkness..

 

Im so thankful to have this kind of support.

 

Im trying my best to stay true to myself, and worry about just me right now.

I feel with the holidays coming up its becoming difficult to stay the coarse

 

.. For the first time ever, I dread them..

 

I hope all of you are doing well.. and thank you so much

 

John

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Does anyone have any tips on how to let go of someone you love with all your heart?

 

It's been 39 days since I last spoke with her, or seen her. When we parted I asked many times if she was sure, she said she was.

 

However, I can't seem to let go, I hold on to the hope she comes back.. I have no reason to believe she will, yet I do…

 

I have a feeling that until I'm able to let go, I will not be able to heal… I think about her every single day.. Almost all day long, and when I think about who she might be with, I feel completely weak an hurt.. and I break down..

 

I'm struggling to find the light here.. and I feel horrible that even after all your support I can't seem to get past this.. I have a fear that it won't go away, that I will not be able to find anyone again.. /sigh

 

I can't believe this has happened to me.. I can't believe this isn't a dream. I feel like this happened just yesterday.

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