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$3,000 to Lose My Virginity


Sheyda

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First of all: no, I didn't sell myself to a male prostitute and I am not planning to.

 

And yes, you're reading the title of the thread right; by the time I lose my virginity to the man I love we will have spent at least CAD$3,000 on our journey to making that happen. I decided to share the whole story with the forum and type all that I have learnt so far. Perhaps it will help others, or it will aid them by showing them not to take things for granted, or maybe just give them a little entertainment when they're bored.

 

Before I continue, I'll give you all a WARNING This post may be the longest I have ever typed, so if you don't like extremely long posts you should probably leave this thread.

 

We first tried to have sex in December of 2005; almost a year ago now. My boyfriend promised to be gentle and take it slow, but his penis didn't even go in and it hurt. We both put it down to me being extremely nervous due to it being my first time. I had already been shy and nervous of trying a lot of things with him because he was the first boyfriend I had ever had.

 

At the end of March 2006 I moved in with him and we continued to try everything we could think of to help me relax; massages, lots of foreplay, made sure I am aroused, taking things very slowly and even trying after I had had an orgasm. We also made sure to use plenty of lubrication to make things easier and experimented with different positions. Every time we tried to have sex I experienced unbearable pain. I was stinging and burning and it felt like he was trying to insert a baseball bat covered in barbed wire into me. It had nothing to do with me being nervous as we had tried so many times that everything felt normal and natural.

 

I never imagined that the pain everyone spoke about would be as bad as this and I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. Was I just some kind of freak who would never be able to have sex? I mean, he couldn't even fit his little finger inside me without there being any pain (and this is when his nails are cut to their shortest). I really wanted to have sex with him, too. I wanted more than anything to know how it would feel to be the closest as I possibly can to the man I love. It wasn't only about the physical pleasure, either; it was the fact of being as close to him as is physically possible and experiencing the psychological, emotional and spiritual impact. It was about giving myself to the man I loved with all my heart, to the one I had been waiting for all my life. But no; I couldn't have that. I have to be deformed somehow because nothing ever happens easily for me and everything has to be an uphill struggle against gale-force winds. I figured my entire life had been this struggle, so why should things ease down now?

 

My boyfriend told me there was a free sex clinic nearby where you can drop in at any time and see a doctor. This is where the whole thing began; the journey to discover what the problem was while simultaneously attempting to solve it.

 

The doctor we saw was not a proper gynaecologist and so she said she could look at me, but could not give me any diagnosis. I thought there was no point in having her look if she couldn't tell us what was wrong and so I didn't get examined that day. From what we had told her she said I could either have vaginismus or an imperforate hymen. Although many things were pointing to the former, for some reason my intuition kept telling me it leant more towards the imperforate hymen. She told me I could see a gynaecologist, but as I am a British citizen and do not have permanent residence in Canada I would have to pay a great deal of money to see one and I would also have to wait a minimum of six months. At the time I had no idea how long it would take to see a gynaecologist in England (it takes three months minimum), but I had already cancelled next to everything healthcare-wise, so not only would I have to pay for several flights (immigration issues), but I would also have to pay for every appointment and whatever treatment I would be given.

 

I posted about this on the forum and it was suggested I look for a women's clinic in my town. I found one and even though it said they only dealt with abortions I took a chance and called them. I asked them if there were any gynaecologists there that could help me with my problem and she told me they only dealt with abortions and even if they didn't I would have to be referred by my doctor. When I told her I was still classed as a tourist she said it would be impossible for me to see anyone in Canada unless I was a permanent resident. Acquiring permanent residence would require my boyfriend and I to get married and then at least a year waiting until I get a card stating I have permanent residence. Not only that, but my family is very poor (below the UK's poverty line at the time) and so the date of the wedding would have to be planned at a point that was affordable for them.

 

At this point we were both feeling frustrated and helpless. If the professionals can't help us here or in England, what were we supposed to do? We started looking online and researching both of the conditions that were suggested to us at the clinic and also talking to other women about losing their virginity or about what they did when they had a similar condition. Through research we came to no conclusion as to what was wrong with me except for it being neither vaginismus nor an imperforate hymen. Perhaps my hymen just wasn't broken? Maybe my vagina was too small and only needed to be stretched? We didn't know, but we took suggestions from these women we spoke to and from virginity websites and purchased a small dildo online. It took a lot of searching to find a tiny one and the cost of it along with delivery was about $40.

 

We had new hope after speaking to these women; hope that I was normal and that all I needed to do was stretch myself and/or break my hymen. We tried again the same as before only this time using the dildo instead of my boyfriend's penis. I soon became upset again as every time I could get in no further than 1 inch until I had the same pain as last time.

 

People were telling me that usually there was only a little pain, maybe some blood and then everything was over. They said maybe I just had a very low pain threshold. I thought to myself I must be a pathetic little weakling who can't deal with a little pain. I probably don't even deserve to be able to have sex, anyway. I would lie awake at night sometimes and ask myself how I could even call myself a woman when I can't even use what makes me a woman.

 

One day I told my boyfriend to just push himself through. Just push as hard as you can and don't stop even when I am crying and screaming in pain. Just rip it open. Despite feeling horrible about doing such a thing he did as I said and he pushed until it even hurt him and nothing happened. I was sore for a day.

 

After I had recovered and we were trying again with the dildo one morning I decided to keep on pushing little by little. I tried as hard as I could to take my mind off of the pain, but eventually it became unbearable and I had to remove it. My boyfriend congratulated me as for the first time I had managed to get it in about two inches. I went to the toilet and that was when I saw a little blood. I was overjoyed and so was my boyfriend. We must have pushed through the hymen and now everything was going to be fine. The only problem was my period was also due, but this was a Monday morning and as I take the birth control pill I always begin my period on Tuesday afternoon. Apart from that small amount of blood, there was nothing all of Monday, so we were convinced that the ordeal was over. Now all we had to do was wait until my period had ended (it's very heavy and our bed and sheets were pretty much brand new).

 

After one very long week, we tried having sex. His penis went in an inch at the most without any pain, but if he tried to push any further than this the same pain returned. I felt a stab of disappointment in my chest and became overwhelmed with sadness and confusion. How could this be? We must have broken through the hymen if there was blood and there was no way that it was the beginning of my period because I have never in my life had spotting. I have never begun my period and had a few dots on Monday morning and then absolutely nothing until Tuesday afternoon. Maybe I did have vaginismus, but then it made no sense because I know that I do not tense up; Kegel exercises allow me to know how that feels. Plus, if I did have vaginismus it wouldn't be possible for him to enter me one inch without any pain at all. I felt we were utterly lost and alone in this. No professional could help us. It seemed no other woman in the world had my problem, whatever it was. Society had abandoned us as women's sexual dysfunctions are so poorly researched. Even just searching on google for "female sex problems" and then "male sex problems" will give you over eleven times more results for men than for women.

 

I continued posting here on eNotAlone, but I kept the problem mostly to myself as I know no one here can really help me with something that requires a professional. I came accross many posts that felt like a stab in the heart when I read them: posts about how a relationship is only a friendship if there is no sex in it. I felt hurt to know that my relationship was not even valid in the eyes of many people, to know that we are considered nothing but friends and that we don't count as "a couple" just because we are unable to have sex.

 

I was beginning to lose faith and give up on this, but then one of the forum members sent me a PM (I won't mention her username since I am unsure if she is okay with it or not). She directed me to a website that had vaginal dilators. These are specifically made for women with vaginismus, but can also be used to stretch those women who are a little too tight. I thought we should give it a try since the dildo we bought earlier was curved and that could be the reason why I could not get it in so far. These dilators were straight and they gradually increased in size, which would make it easier to stretch myself with those than with the dildo we already had. It cost somewhere between $50-60 to purchase these and have them delivered.

 

The vaginal dilators arrived quickly, which was surprising as usually everything we order comes late. I tried them out almost immediately and within less than a week I succeeded in inserting the smallest dilator in all the way. Both my boyfriend and I were excited, but we tried not to get our hopes too high just in case. That was a good thing because no matter how hard I tried to get the second one in all the way, I encountered that unbearable pain again.

 

This is about the time when I started to give up. It's also about the time my boyfriend started wondering why I would never initiate anything. Every time I felt like initiating it was because I was imagining something that ended in sex, so why bother acting upon my thoughts if I would end up disappointed and depressed at the end because we can't have sex? Every time I felt aroused I was overwhelmed by feelings of sadness because I knew that sex was impossible. Every time I got turned on I felt like bursting into tears. Why do I even have a sex drive? It serves no purpose since I can't have sex.

 

A while earlier we had booked a three-week holiday back to Europe to visit our families in England and Spain. My boyfriend's mum (the lovely woman that she is) had booked me in for an appointment with a gynaecologist in Spain. I was still feeling very pessimistic about sex, so I felt more nervous about the appointment rather than hopeful. If we were to have this appointment booked without the holiday (since we can't see a specialist in Canada or the UK) we still would've flown to Spain via England as it works out cheaper. It cost about $800 for the both of us.

 

Eventually, the day of my appointment with the gynaecologist crept around. I was petrified, but I knew it had to be done. If we didn't know what the problem was how could we possibly solve it? Even if nothing could be done about it, at least the gynaecologist's feedback may help to point us in the right direction. I went with my boyfriend and his mum to the clinic. It didn't take long before I was ushered into the room. I explained the problem and how we had tried everything. Then I was told to undress and lie on the table with my feet in the stirrups. The moment I had been dreading. I did as I was told and his assistant told me to relax. This wasn't so difficult to do when he was just prodding around outside with his fingers. However, once he got out some kind of small microscope and started poking around inside I was in so much pain I began wailing and crying. It was soon over, but I was trembling and sore afterwards. He told us that everything was normal. Then he said that my hymen was still intact. There was a very tiny hole in it that could stretch a little (which explained why I could insert the smallest dilator, but the second one couldn't go beyond a certain point). However, the hymen was also very tough. The first thing he recommended was an operation to remove the hymen (hymenectomy/hymenotomy). The doctor said he was going on holiday for a week, but that he could do it the day before we left back to England. Not knowing whether my travel insurance would cover it or if we had enough money ourselves, my boyfriend asked if there was any other way we could overcome it without surgery. He also mentioned we had been trying vaginal dilators and the gynaecologist said we could use these with an anaesthetic cream. We decided we would try this before opting for the surgery.

 

A day or so after I had recovered from the appointment and wasn't so sore we tried the anaesthetic cream. My boyfriend was there giving me support and telling me that I could do it, but I simply couldn't. I was pushing the dilator so hard that my fingers turned white and nothing happened. Nothing. Obviously this was why the gynaecologist recommended surgery first before anything else; my hymen was so tough it was unlikely any other method would work.

 

We tried to book an appointment with the gynaecologist again the day he returned to work from his holiday. He couldn't do it, so we booked it on the day we were leaving back to England. Our flight was late in the afternoon anyway and he told us the operation itself only lasted a few minutes. The day we were to go back to the clinic I made sure not to eat or drink anything all morning. The night before I had also made sure I ate nothing after 11 p.m. Once we arrived we were told to sit in some chairs to the right. I was shaking badly and felt as if my stomach were being squeezed and wrung by a cold pair of hands. Sitting there in that white waiting room must have been one of the most frightening and nerve-wracking moments of my life. I had never had surgery before and I knew he had to perform another painful examination before going ahead. My heart was going so fast I thought I would have a heart attack the second he opened the door and asked us to come in. But I didn't. We went in and sat in his room. He asked me if I had eaten or if I had drunk anything. I told him I hadn't and he said, "Excellent." He made a quick phone call and confirmed that there was an anaesthetist free for the operation. He told us once more that the operation would only last a few minutes, but that I would be left in another room afterwards for several hours to wake up and recover from being anaesthetised. Now, all he had to do was ask his colleague to postpone an operation which he was going to start in 15-20 minutes. The colleague refused even though my operation would only take a few minutes. The gynaecologist offered another time for me to come back and get the operation, but we told him about our flight and he said it couldn't be done because of the hours needed for me to recover afterwards. He told us that he was very sorry and I could see that he and his assistant felt bad for us. Although I was relieved of my fear I also felt upset that it couldn't be done. However, I thanked him for telling us what the actual problem was. Both these appointments to see the gynaecologist cost $160.

 

While we were waiting for the second appointment and hoping the surgery could be done, my family, my boyfriend's family and I were trying to find out about insurance. Unfortunately, my travel insurance would not cover such surgery because it is not an illness or an injury. Not until I get cervical cancer from not being able to get pap smears (the gynaecologist told me it will be difficult and extremely painful for me) will they cover anything involving surgery. It looked like we would have to be paying out of our own pockets if we could actually get it done somewhere. Back in Canada we began searching for expatriate insurance. However, they would not cover the operation if I can get in done in Canada because it is now a pre-existing condition. Even if it weren't, we would have to apply for the insurance before I go see a doctor, then a gynaecologist, then get the operation (else once again it becomes a "pre-existing condition" which they can't cover). The waiting between seeing a doctor and a gynaecologist is a minimum of six months and by the time that comes around the insurance will have cost more than the operation itself!

 

At this point I started thinking crazy thoughts. About how everything happens for a reason and that I have the perfect reason to be raped. I hoped that somehow I would end up being attacked by a rapist. I actually wanted such a horrible thing to happen to me just so that this whole ordeal could be over and done with; no waiting, no cost, no ridiculously expensive insurance, no permanent residency issues, only some emotional trauma that I already have enough of anyway. Then afterwards I could have a normal sex life like every other woman on the planet. I told my boyfriend exactly how I felt and he managed to talk some sense into me.

 

So, here is where we found ourselves. After almost a year of trying to have sex we are completely and utterly stuck with me wanting to be raped and feeling like a deformed, weak, asexual, non-woman in an invalid relationship. So far, we've already spent $40 on a small dildo, $50-60 on vaginal dilators, $800 on flights to Spain to see a gynaecologist (without being bugged about permanent residency issues or having to wait several months) and $160 to see the actual gynaecologist. All of this money spent on trying to solve the problem and find out what it is has already amounted to over $1,000 and the actual operation I've heard costs about $2,000. Right now we have no choice but to find out what the operation costs privately and save up money, so by the time I can finally make love to my boyfriend for the first time, we will have spent around $3,000 on getting there. My virginity has to be the most expensive thing to lose in the world.

 

However, I also learnt something from this entire experience. First of all I learnt that I am not deformed; I just have a tough hymen. I also realised that I am far from weak, as my boyfriend reminded me of my strength to live my life unscathed despite being through many traumatic experiences. I learnt that I am still as womanly as every other woman out there even though I can't have sex; that isn't what makes someone a woman. I learnt that I should not care how other people judge our relationship based on the fact we can't have sex because it is our relationship and not theirs; we should be the ones defining it. I learnt that wishing to be raped was not the solution and that it was ridiculous and dangerous to hope for such a nasty thing to happen.

 

Last, but definitely not least: I learnt that I am an incredibly lucky woman to have my boyfriend. I read threads on eNotAlone and other message boards about how long men would wait before leaving their girlfriend because there is no sex. The longest any of the men would wait was three months. I also learnt that other women with similar conditions as me were dumped by boyfriends because it was physically impossible for them to have sex. In the past I would have felt only anger towards these men, but now it brings out a much stronger feeling. Love. Love and a great appreciation for my boyfriend. We have been together one year and two months without sex and he still treats me the same as he always has. He has not dumped me because we can't have sex. He has never pushed me for sex. He has never ignored my pain when trying to have sex or continued pushing when I'm crying because he can't wait any longer. All this time he has given me nothing but love, care, support and understanding. He has given me everything I need to get through this. And that is much more important to me than just being able to have sex with him. Sex isn't everything and even without it our relationship is so much better than many others out there. I've learnt that instead of focusing on the things that we can't/don't have, we should focus on what we do have and be grateful for it because that is what gives us the strength and the willpower to carry on despite the things we're lacking in our lives.

 

Congratulations to you if you managed to read this right the way through to the end. Thank you for taking the time to read it and I hope you've perhaps learnt something from it or at least found some of it entertaining.

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Sheyda,

 

Yes you are very lucky because most virgins (especially women) will NEVER EVER be given this chance by the opposite sex.

I also agree sex isn't the whole relationship but desert.It sad that Most men i've came accross don't agree with me .I've had men on enotalone and other board tell me my standards are too high for waiting for sex with a commimtment but i believe a relationship should be able to survive with or without sex.

Sheyda be glad you have a good man standing by your side.I wish this virgin could say the same.

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You truly are lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend -- and I give major kudos to his mother, too! It's inspiring to hear that people do have caring romantic relationships without sex, since it does seem like a lot of people nowadays subscribe to the "no sex, no love" theory. I hope that one day this problem will be resolved, and when you are finally be able to become one with your love, it will be the most special thing in the world!

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Congratulations.

 

I ask you one thing please... STICK to him... I was left because I did everything for my GF and loved her to death, never had sex with her for almost 2 years and I was left alone.

 

Stick to him, make him know that he means this much to you (as you wrote in your post).

 

Take care.

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Amazing! Truly touching...I really do wish you the best, and I'm sure that in the end it will all be alright, you deserve it! As for the other posts people have given previously that you mentioned in your story, I'm glad they didn't put you down enough to make you feel bad about yourself! You are a very very very strong person!!! =D Keep up...and congratualtions to you and your boyfriend!

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I am left stunned. I am sorry for your ordeal. I am sad that you have read things that supposedly invalidate your relationship because you "aren't having sex"... I have to say that it seems that you and your boyfriend share an intimacy right now that is at least as deep... if not deeper... than the sexual side of a romantic relationship.

 

You and your boyfriend have had some trials and tribulations. Once you are through them, which I have no doubt you will be, both of you will be the better for them. I wish you both happiness and, you, an end to your anguish.

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it seems that you and your boyfriend share an intimacy right now that is at least as deep... if not deeper... than the sexual side of a romantic relationship.

 

I do understand the important role sex plays in a relationship and I don't mean to undercut it, but I was going to say the above quoted line almost verbatim!

 

You have gone through H E double hockey sticks to achieve something, that while great and will be worth the trip, isn't really the heart of what the two of you already have.

 

I'm glad you've found out what you did about what was wrong and that there are ways to get through it and "cure" it. It WAS a veryinteresting read, as Dako said, and I feel smarter and better informed for having read it.

 

I sincerely wish the best for you and for your relationship with your boyfriend.

 

-T

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Thank you everyone for all of your responses, congratulations and best wishes for the future. I really appreciate it. I have posted briefly about this before elsewhere and I have never had such a large response of kind words and encouragement as I have had here.

 

I was actually nervous about posting this for some reason, but now I've done it I feel better. I am glad to know that even though none of you can help me (unless you win the lottery and lend me some money ) there are plenty of you who are willing to give me support. *Hugs for all of you*

 

I didn't even realize I was taking my vagina for granted. This really made me laugh!

 

I ask you one thing please... STICK to him... I was left because I did everything for my GF and loved her to death, never had sex with her for almost 2 years and I was left alone.

 

Stick to him, make him know that he means this much to you (as you wrote in your post).

 

I would never even dream of leaving him! As I have already said; I am a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful man by her side. I have also let him know just how much he means to me and have told him how grateful I am to have him.

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you are INCREDIBLY lucky! i waited for 3 and a half years before giving up my virginity to my fiance whom i loved/love with ALL my heart... and 8 months later he leaves me talk about feeling like absolute crap!! i just hope oneday ill find someone who actually values me...

 

wish both of you the BEST of luck for ur future together

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Did you even bother to revise that story? It was gooder than the one below that other one. Is that you in your avatar?

 

I didn't really revise it. Not sure what other story you are talking about; sorry.

 

And no, that's not me. I wouldn't post my own picture as my avatar in case friends or family recognise the picture.

 

DG9 - Wow. That's awful! I am very sorry to hear that such a thing happened to you. Hopefully you're now able to know how to pick out someone who doesn't value you from someone who does. Even though this man has hurt you, perhaps it will help you find somebody who does value you in the end.

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I just wanted to reassure you that your risk of cervical cancer right now is EXTREMELY low. Basically, you can't get cervical cancer if you aren't having intercourse - That's why devout nuns NEVER get it.

 

My doctor reassured me at my last visit that I don't really need to worry about it since I don't have sex with men.

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Oh, Sheyda... I am so happy for you that you are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel...

 

 

Things always get worse before they get better, don't they? But when they DO get better, and they WILL, it is going to be so great you won't even be able to comprehend it...

 

((HUGS))

L

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The botton line of this story is a relationship can survivie without vaginal sex.Something nonvirgin has a problem comprehanding.We need to let people see YES a virgin CAN date the opposite sex without sex being an issue.

 

I think it's funny that everybody( the sexual active people) can show compassion to this virgin story but if it wasn't for the medication condition.The compassion to the story wouldn't be there as much.We would be hearing when will you two be having intercourse, and just do it.

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I think that response was a little jaded, quietgrl...

 

I think that Sheyda was very clear that she wanted to be intimate with her boyfriend. SHE wanted it, SHE asked for us to help her figure out how, SHE tried everything, and SHE finally got a diagnosis that happened to be medical.

 

We weren't pushing her into having sex, judging her for being a virgin or not, or commenting on if her relationship should go on without sex.

 

......

 

I personally have been tickled following her story and knowing that through all of it, her guy stayed with her and didn't lose patience or love. Their relationship probably could and has survived without sex, but they love each other and that is what they want, so maybe the social commentary on judging virgins is a little misplaced, non?

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