(long) Wife loves me but is not in love with me

Well it seems that everything is boiling down to TRUST. I've been a compulsive liar my whole life. Today, I felt trapped into another one. She was feeling sick and I asked if she wanted me to stay in the room. or go out and be social since we are visiting my brother. Well, I went out and typed the above post. When I got back from going out with my brother and his wife, she asked me why I didn't stay in the room. and what I was working on. I told her I need to braindump in my journal. Then I further explained that it was on a website where I didn't want her to see what I was writing. She immediately felt that she had been lied to and that I was just continuing the violation of her trust. She is unsure if she can ever trust me. that it is so much extra energy on her part to keep me accountable and that shouldn't be her baggage.

She further told me that she is leaning towards the "NO" side of getting back together. I said some stupid things about wanting this to pass and waiting it out. Working together it sounded kind of pathetic. I was hurt and crying, wiped myself off and we went out to eat. I got really horny and wanted to have my hands all over her. I sort of did and got a back off. I wispered in her ear that I wanted to make love to her tonight. Once we were seated I went to the restroom and sent her a text message on her phone that sounded something like this.

Hey sexy,

I wanted to let you know two things.

I really want to make love to you / no intercourse necessary

&

I really want you to lay over my lap so I can spank you.

I will not do any of these things to an unwilling participant and she knows I would not willingly hurt her.

I adore her

Passionate Intentions, Your husband.

Well I got it off my chest. She got the message about an hour later after we finished eating. On the drive back to the house my anxiety has risin about 900% i can feel the fear eating me alive. Can I really do this. Make love to her. I want so badly to rid myself of this sexual aggression. To just have my hands all over her.

Spanking, well we have never done that before. and like I said I want to get out some of my aggression. I think I owe her four open handed swats accross those cheeks of hers. Because she has really broken my heart 4 times in the last couple of weeks. Oh and I want to leave a red mark. But like I said only to the willing. And of course turn about is fair play.

Making love to her. She has said that all my past advances are a way to coax her into sex. Should I do ground rules of no intercourse. undies and panties stay on. Just touch her and feel her and really try to connect really try to feel her. What if she totally wants it at that point. Then it is like I tricked her by saying no intercourse and we end up having sex. Ground rules could be that we can make love, but if she wants sex she has to reinitiate in the morning or sometime tonight after we have gone to sleep.

I'm really cautious of tricking her into doing something she doesn't want to do. My anxiety is killing me.

Well she has seemed indifferent to the response. I think she has read it a few times. she seems to still kind of connect and kind of withdraw, kind of ambivalent. When we got back to the house we had some small talk about leaving to go home tomorrow. She said she needed to go on a walk. I asked if she wanted a visitor (i.e. myself) and she said she needed some alone time to think. OK make my anxiety 1200% So I started typing this when she was getting ready to go on her walk. She asked if I was sending emails and I told her I was posting to the webboard and that there is a community of others in simliary situations. I told her I was posting everything with no names or specific identifying information. She offered a hug before she left and then she is now thinking on her walk while she blows off steam. When she comes back I have no idea what state of mind she will be in.

God help us that we do the right thing. I'm terrified of screwing up right now. but in the end it is not my decision. I'm staying because I believe we can work this out and this is the only instance in my life where I have made a promise before GOD. I intend on keeping it. I believe and have faith that our marriage can mend and heal and I think she feels like me bringing God into the picture is testing her faith. She believes God will forgive her no matter what she does.

Gridlock resumes again.

Any comforting words or simliar situations or any feedback from anyone would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Mike_chppr

OK, well I blew everything up. Mushroom cloud still has stuff falling. We crawled into bed and I asked for a kiss and a hug. She coldly complied, so I knew she wasn't going to take me up on my offer. Inside my anxiety was fuming. I was boiling hot. I'd never felt my temperature rise like that and the tingles over the back of my shoulders and the hole in my stomach spread all through my chest. I had taken my sleeping pills once I knew she wasn't interested, but I couldn't shut my mind down. I was trying to breath deeply and calmly. And then I had a yes no question. It started pounding louder and louder in my head.

Finally I blurted it out. Babe I have a yes / no question for you? She asked what it is and I asked her if she minded if I got off. She said sure. and so that is just what I did. So for the next 15 to 20 minutes I pleasured myself. After about 10 she put on her ipod so that she couldn't hear me. I could tell she was irritated, but I was totally into my pleasure. Somehow I had decided that I would clutch her at the moment of climax. With all her blocking actions hindsite 20/20 this was a bad idea. Well I did I had a most powerful stress relieving shut my mind down for the night orgasm.

Upon clutching her she sprang out of bed and went to the bathroom for about 5 or 10 minutes. She came back in and asked abruptly if I needed anything, I had already cleaned myself up. I said no and she crawled back into bed. After my pills wore off and I woke up I leaned over to touch her. I got the "uugh" with a violent type of withdrawal.

She is furious. I so want her to express what she is feeling. In some ways I want her to lash out at me. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to deal. I want to walk away. That this agony that we are putting each other through isn't worth it. That we won't get through it and that our lives won't be better in the end.

She is shutting me out and I can totally see where todays flight home will be miserable and isolated. When we get home she is going to go on a business trip, so I won't see her for the next couple of days.

Did I hurt her. I asked for her permission, and she said yes. this just sucks. It really really sucks. Or should I let her deal with her own emotions and feelings and not get involved while she goes through her fury. I do love her very very much and I don't want her to be in any more turmoil than she already is. I also have my own things to deal with like managing anger and anxiety and depression and lying and trusting and loving. Why does all this have to be so miserable.

OK,

Now I'm beating myself up. I realize now that I totally violated her. Not that I raped my wife, but I went into her personal space when she was closing me out. She must feel disgusted with me. She has told me that she is unsure if she will be able to sleep in the same bed with me. It sucks it is killing me. I feel similar and maybe I should go talk to a divorce lawyer. The hurt and anguish that I have caused her. She asked what i was fuming about and I said I was beating myself up and I really couldn't talk to her about it. I have done something so haneous.

OK this may freak some people out, but this morning I wanted some relief. I usually get this by "getting off" I couldn't do it. My normal things that send me over the edge wouldn't work. So I opted to sublimate. I used a helathy natural defense mechanism. I felt all the rage for my wife and I imagined raping her I finally went over the top and then laid in the shower and cried in anguish. I say again I would not do this to my wife, I only imagined it. I tried to use a healty defense mechanism and the emotions I felt were near unbearable. I want to feel. If I can't feel the horrible stuff how can I feel the good stuff. She is a little social with me this morning, but she is very very disgusted. She is really putting on a show since we are at my brothers. I can only imagine what things will be like when we get into the airport by ourselves. I almost booked seats in different areas of the plane, but she is afraid of flying so I kept us together.

I feel so disgusted with myself. I am at a point that I have told her that I am sorry, and I can only ask for her forgiveness. She does not have to give it to me and I have to be OK with that. She said that she can forgive me on her own time, and even if she does forgive me, can I forgive myself. I am truly sorry. I'm trying to discover what "sorry" FEELS like. It is something you say, but how do you feel it. Right now I feel anguish and disgust, is this sorry, or is sorry a different feeling.

In my own hell.

Well we are not working in counseling together. We are working individually. She has to decide if she wants to work on the marriage before a marriage counselor will take us. As long as her tendency is no or yes/no there is no point in seeing a counselor together. Although I think it may help us discuss with one another what is going on inside. I think I keep fumbling over myself.

I'm also posting at

lying has become a fabric of my personality

I'm getting ready to board a plane so I'll be offline for a few hours

So where am I at now that I have been honest. I'm 97% sure I'm getting left. She has told her dad which is a huge step for her. I think by confessing my sins that this has given her enough ammo and repulsive distance to do it. To make me out to be the bad guy. I cannot stop crying. This pain is unbelievable.

OK, last night was and still is horrible. She is out of town. when she told her dad I said thank you and that it was a total relief. She retorted with "It wasn't for you!" I then had a realization that the distance between us is becoming unmanagable. She is avoiding me, doesn't want to have "discussions" anymore, she is repulsed by me. Everything is becoming so much more real. I called my uncle, he was like you have to wake up everyday and choose happyness. You have to wake up and know and focus on two things, first is being a good person, second is doing the things that make you happy. By lying and deciept, not communicating, you messed up the being a good person, and now my wife who makes me happy is unsure. Things have transpired so quickly. We went from I don't know if I can be in love with you anymore. To this. I called her last night. I tried to talk with her on the phone, but she wasn't having any of it. I sound so pathetic. I told her that I would "never lie to her again" STOP! "cold turkey right now" and that if there was even 1% in her mind that this can work out, I want to start doing couples counseling together. Because these discussions aren't really helping, they are only making things worse. I talked with my team leader from Iraq last night, I confessed to the lies that I had told the team about our relationship. About our relationship being highly sexual in nature when it really wasn't. It is tough telling your close friends that you are a habitual liar and cannot keep your fantasy world in your head, but have an immature need to express it verbally and then stick to your guns about your story. I've come clean to my coworkers, the ones that I'm rather close to anyways. My family, I told my uncle and brother. It is somewhat of a relief to have the cat out of the bag. But then the anxiety is surging throughout my entire body. Clutched with fear of abandonment, hurt, and feeling the pains that I have caused others possibly multiplied upon myself. Forgiving myself is near impossible, and I'm not ready to do that yet. I need to feel the agony that I have caused others. I need to experience life in such a tramatic way that My attachment networks change. I don't want to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style as I'm solid in this category. I want to be very much in the catagory of Securely attached. I believe 100% that the human brain is maleable. I can and will change. The only way I can change is to feel and to feel the evil sides of me to contrast those with the good sides of me. I can no longer suppress anger, fear, anxiety, rage, and depression. I have to figure out how to let them out. (Without killing anyone or anything of course)

But in the end, as my wife says, "I didn't do it for you!" It boils down to the idea that me changing may not be her motivation for going down this path. Like the gay child that tells his dad that he is gay, there is nothing the father could have done. The child did it for him. If she walks out on me I have to accept that she did what was best for her irregardless of the stupid things that I have done in our relationship. I'm a little more stable keeping this in mind, and not beating myself up so badly, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I'm going to loose my best friend, my house, my companion out of all this.

I also have to recognize that everytime i lied or tricked my wife into doing something that was a decision not to be with her. I have put all those decisions in a bank account and the investment is being doled out. My uncle is a real role model for me. He and his wife are happy. They live each and every day under the premise that life is too short, do the things that make you happy, be a good person, you have nothing to loose by full disclosure with your mate. So to those of you that may be reading this, Hug your spouses give them a kiss everyday. Go out and do the things that make you and your family happy. Because in the end, life is short, and agony soaks up way to much time and energy.

I want to fight for my marriage, but in reality the decision isn't mine. It is hers, I don't want to idly stand by and have her contort my fate. It is also impossible to sit on the couch and idly watch this all transpire. I can sulk and I am, I feel pathetic, and there has to be a time where I snap out of it. I can't blame this on PTSD or her, I am the one that has to live every day of my life with myself. I have to do the things that make me happy. Which involves a cessation of lying, forgiving myself, and learning to attach and connect and feel others.

Well how is this working out. I can't continue to grovel for hugs and kisses and affection. If she wants to be married then she has to give an inch. If I wait for her to move out I am playing the victim. My mom played the victim my whole childhood and I refuse to repeat her path. So have I done....

I came home today and moved out of the room. I moved into the extra bedroom. I took all her extra clothes and moved them into our bedroom. and moved mine there. I drug my dresser into the other bedroom and am sleeping on a fouton.

Do I love my wife. Absolutely. but groveling is one sided. At this point she cares nothing for how I feel and what I'm going through coming back from going to Iraq. She does not love me. I cannot sleep next to her and have her think I will not want to touch her. For heaven's sake she is my wife.

I'm taking control of this. Either she loves me and wants to work this out or she doesn't. There is no middle ground where she can make me grovel and be pathetic and have her feel good about herself for leaving a wimpy, nerdy, needy, wet-puppydoglike husband. If she really wants to be alone then that is what she is going to get, but if I play the victim I will walk away with nothing. Oh, she has told me I get the dog. Big Whoop! If we split I will fully take what is rightfully mine. If I grovel and give her anything, what does that do for me, but will kill my mental health for the next 5 years as I try and lick the wounds make people feel sorry for me and pick up the pieces. To hell with that. I have to live with myself each and every day. I don't know how long we will live in separate rooms, but I will continue to love her and do loving things for her, but I'm not going to grovel for affection, touch, hugs, and kisses.

OK I'm home now. Yea, this feels really lonely. She hasn't come home from work yet. I sent her a text message to tell her that

"I've moved into the extra bedroom. We can talk about it later. I don't want to spring this on you when we are together."

Three options. I tell her on the phone, I text message her, or I wait until she comes home and tell her in person while she witnesses the new setup in the other room and missing dresser as you walk into our... her bedroom.

I didn't want to argue so I texted it to her. She immediately called and basically called me a coward. She asked if I wanted her to get separation papers. I told her no, this is not what this is about. She then seemingly tried to make it seem like her idea, a sort of I was going to ask you to move into the extra bedroom anyways. She said I was avoiding her. OK I haven't seen my wife since Monday night at 10:00 and then I left for work at 5:30 on Tuesday and I haven't seen her since then. Who is avoiding who here. She says she is working in __________ staying there for business but where I work is twice the distance and I commute that everyday. Who is avoiding who here? And the idea of being a coward. It took a lot of courage to move into the next room. I had to swallow a lot of hurt and self pity to do this. I don't think there is anything cowardice about sending a text message.

Next in line, I mentioned that I'm tired of how all of our arguments end up being how pitiful I am and how I need to get help. I told her that this isn't about "me" getting fixed it is about "us" getting fixed. She disagreed and really felt that this was about fixing "me!" It is upon this point that she asked if I wanted her to go ahead and get separation papers.

Oh snap, she is home.....I really don't want to argue, I don't want to be vindictive, I don't want to bring up the past. I want to start from here. forgive each other and start from here. We live in separate rooms, lets be nice, lets date, lets get to know each other again.

Well it is over. She said it best.

If we don't have trust we don't have anything.

I lied to her and there is nothing that will keep that trigger in the back of her head that says I won't dump a deluge of lies on her again in two years.

I take it this is no longer appropriate for the Long Term Relationship Board.