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Thread: The Love-Shy Male

  1. #1

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    The Love-Shy Male

    It seems everywhere I look, there are posts about guys who are so depressed and ready to give up on life itself just because they do not have a girlfriend, nor have they ever. These are the love-shy males. They would give their very soul to have someone special in their life.

    They are men who are constantly preoccupied with the ideation of finding a girlfriend. They tend to deject male friendships and have various other commonalities. There are generally seven main criteria in order to be officially deemed a love-shy male:

    1. He is a male.

    2. He is a virgin.

    3. He is a person who very rarely goes out socially with women. (None of the love-shys studied for this book had dated more than four times during the year prior to being interviewed.)

    4. He is a person without a past history of any emotionally close, meaningful relationships of a romantic and/or sexual nature with any member of the opposite sex.

    5. He is a person who has suffered and is continuing to suffer emotionally because of a lack of meaningful female companionship. In short, he is a person who desperately wishes to have a relationship with a woman, but does not have one because of shyness.

    6. He is a man who becomes extremely anxiety-ridden over so much as the mere thought of asserting himself vis-a-vis a woman in a casual, friendly way. This is the essense of "love-shyness".

    7. He is a man who is strictly heterosexual in his romantic and erotic orientations. In other words, he is a person who is in no way a homosexual.

    (Technically, I would be considered a love-shy male myself except for the fact that items 4 and 6 are not accurate of me. I used to be engaged and I do not have a problem with talking to girls if I am not interested in them emotionally or sexually.)

    There are many other common factors in the shy-male, including being bullied excessively as a child, having very low self-esteem and different than normal (from the "typical" male) hobbies and interests, for example love-shy males tend to be much less interested in sports than non love-shy males. They are numerous other factors as well. Further information can be found in Dr. Gilmartin's book on love-shy males. He conducted an extensive study on the effects and repercussions of this pervasive phenonema. I strongly urge every male who falls under the criteria to read the book (or at least segments of it) and get help. link removed

    You don't have to be love-shy, and acknowledging its existence and harmfulness is the first step to overcoming it!

    Also, here is an extremely eye-opening test for anyone who is wondering if they may be a love-shy male. link removed It is on the main page. An average non-love shy male should have a score between 100-110 or higher.

    I scored an 83, which is low, but not low enough to be considered love-shy, by Gilmartin's standard. If you score low (especially lower than 50) please seek help in overcoming your social anxieties with women! Or you really will end up dying alone. I'm taking steps to overcome my problems in interacting with women as much as possible! I implore all of the other guys who are in this same boat (I know there are A LOT of you, whether you choose to speak up or not!) to do the same. Don't think this problem will resolve itself or go away on its own. It won't. You have to be willing to take a stand and make some changes in your interactions with women.

    I think Gilmartin is right on in some of his ideas:

    Having been without the meaningful love/compassion of a woman for a significantly
    greater length of time, it logically follows that they would be worse
    off. Heterosexual love is a great medicine and healing elixir. And this
    is why I believe that it would greatly benefit society to pull out the
    stops (1) in getting its love-shy members healed of their love-shyness,
    and (2) in getting all people involved in meaningful social networks.
    Love-shyness represents a horrendous waste of valuable human resources

    Of course, anyone who would jump precipitously into marriage under
    the assumption that marriage would solve all of his problems would
    obviously be headed for trouble. However, as this book will make clear,
    love-shy men have a considerably below average susceptibility towards
    taking overly hasty actions. Indeed, if anything they are vulnerable
    towards acting far too slowly for their own good!

    -Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment, p 18,19.

    I want to believe that this problem can be overcome with effort, determination and persistence!

    Best wishes and good luck. Getting Ready for a First Date
    Last edited by Kevin T; 10-30-2006 at 04:50 PM.

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    heloladies21's Avatar
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    It's good that you found this and I'm gonna link to this in the future when giving advice to these guys.

    There is absolutely no doubt that this can be overcome and anyone reading this post can be assured of that. I've seen it happen with my own two eyes.

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    Wow, ALL the points apply to me. Every single one of them. I scored 37.

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    heloladies: That's great. It's good to hear some success stories. It gives everyone hope.

    The important thing to remember is that this is a very destructive spiral to be caught in. Like I said, I think I would technically consider myself to be love-shy, even though I don't entirely fit the criteria. I have a lot of growing myself to do. But I'm working on it. When I found this, it was like a slap in the face. It was a wake up call to reality. To stop running away, stop blaming others and start taking ownership for my own life and future.

    People that think it's hopeless are doomed unless they start to consciously and deliberately start making some changes. Miss Right isn't going to "magically" fall out of the sky, into your lap and everything will be happily ever after. It doesn't work that way.

    If you want a woman, you have to first acknowledge your problem, then get help and work as hard as you can to overcome it.

    "Only those who run will get the prize." You don't win a trophy for just sitting at home and crying over being single. Lamenting one's own weakness without making any changes gets you nowhere.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
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    I took the test, and since I don't dance or go to college, it was a stretch.
    Still, it seemed pretty realistic.

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    Platinum Member CarnelianButterfly's Avatar
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    From the situations described in those questions I'd say the problem is the guy is putting too much emphasis on the outside of the girl and not on the fact she might be a human and she might be nice and that all this junk isn't being love-shy its just being too chicken to take a few knocks when he gets shot down.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
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    As an older guy, I noticed something.

    I took the test and got a high score, and I'm a shy guy. The reason for that is simple. I'm not hitting on women, just talking to them. The test assumes the guy is after more than conversation. Women past a certain age don't feel like targets, so they're easier to chat with. For some reason younger women don't feel as on guard around me.

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    Originally Posted by CarnelianButterfly
    From the situations described in those questions I'd say the problem is the guy is putting too much emphasis on the outside of the girl and not on the fact she might be a human and she might be nice and that all this junk isn't being love-shy its just being too chicken to take a few knocks when he gets shot down.
    It's precisely because she's a human that I'm afraid. If she were a dog or a robot I'd have no problem chatting her up
    Why is it that women never make the first move? So we're chicken, well women are always chicken because they rarely, if ever, make the first move!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
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    My ex wife made the first move.
    My mother whistled at a guy in the park and married him.
    A waitress friend spilled coffee on a customer and asked her date to meet her after work...they married.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Dako
    My mother whistled at a guy in the park and married him.
    Whaaaat? Why does this never happen in my town?

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