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Thread: The Love-Shy Male

  1. #971
    Member Happy Bunny's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SometimesShy
    Yes, it's heard of, but from my life experiences, and the experiences of my male friends, a woman pursuing a man is still a rare event. Talking to my female friends, they mostly think that a woman approaching a man doesn't work because they've tried it and gave up after 3 or 4 failures. When I tell them that some guys might have to go through 20-30 failures before meeting the right person, they roll their eyes and say they would never do that.
    What do you mean by "approaching"? Just walking up and saying hi? If it's a random stranger, don't mistake signals that might be neutral for rejection. Many people are uncomfortable around people they don't know when meeting for the first time.

    Women usually make the first move. Now, hear me out! It is usually the woman who lets the man know that it is okay to approach her in the first place--with a smile or a glance. Which is why we get a little upset when a guy approaches and we've never seen him before in our lives. It's up to us to let you inside that comfort zone--it's not for you to just invade it. If that makes sense.

    Women want equality ( which makes sense at every level of society ), but not when it comes to sex or romance, which seems like very schizophrenic behavior. Asking my female friends about this, they say things like "I'm old fashioned", but they are only old fashioned about romance, they definitely do not want "old fashioned" treatment when it comes to anything else. ( I want to have my cake and eat it too, and you are not allowed to say anything about it because you are a man )
    It's not just being old-fashioned. Unfortunately, you don't override 7 million years of evolution and biology just because society says it's now socially acceptable for women to be forward. The classic role of pursuer is the man's while a woman either allows him to pursue or doesn't. That's the way it has been for millions of years.


    So how would I get to know these women ? I've tried virtually everything that I can think of with little success. I have tried: online dating, speed dating, blind dates from friends and families, I have tried dancing classes, cooking classes, language classes, painting classes, writing classes, photography classes, film-making classes, hiking and camping groups, etc... I work-out at the gym three times per week. There are almost no single people where I work. All of my friends are married and live in the suburbs with their wives and kids.

    With my past relationships, I've met the women I've been involved with at completely random events and places. It was simply being in the right place at the right time with the right woman near by.
    You're trying to hard. The reason your most successful relationships came out of random situations is because you weren't thinking about it. You were being yourself and not forcing yourself to make the best impression. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #972
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    Originally Posted by Happy Bunny
    What do you mean by "approaching"? Just walking up and saying hi? If it's a random stranger, don't mistake signals that might be neutral for rejection. Many people are uncomfortable around people they don't know when meeting for the first time.

    Women usually make the first move. Now, hear me out! It is usually the woman who lets the man know that it is okay to approach her in the first place--with a smile or a glance. Which is why we get a little upset when a guy approaches and we've never seen him before in our lives. It's up to us to let you inside that comfort zone--it's not for you to just invade it. If that makes sense.

    what you say is probably true, but i and lot of other shy men can't ready those signs, if i'm at a party and women smiles at me i think was that really at me? is she just being polite? or i don't notice this at all, it would be a lot easier of women would just be direct like men and say what they want (not just as far as dating is concerned but on plenty of issues)

  3. #973
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    Originally Posted by NMF1978
    well i'm talking based on personal experience and from what i see around me, to make it clear initially feminism was good as it was right for women to want equal rights, but the last decades especially in a lot of western countries things have gotten very out of hand

    and i've been with women, both sex and relationship, i'm not angry i'm cynical and a bit frustrated maybe they're mostly so dissapointing



    can't remember this ever being scandalous
    You've never seen a movie or a television show about time periods before the present in which women are expected to dress a certain way, act a certain way, and certainly not chase men? Really? Come on.

    You can base your opinions on what your experience is/what you think you see around you, but that doesn't make it fact. How does that explain everyone else in the world who is not having the same experience as you?

  4. #974
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    Originally Posted by Happy Bunny
    Women usually make the first move. Now, hear me out! It is usually the woman who lets the man know that it is okay to approach her in the first place--with a smile or a glance.
    That's not a "move". It's putting out a very subtle hint that may just be you being nice, and either way, guys whose shyness borders on (or is full-fledged) anxiety simply will not read that signal for what you mean it to be. The irony of it all on forums like this, is guys like us are very vocal and direct about this specific issue regarding hints and signals. Women do not understand these simple and direct responses that don't beat around the bush, yet they expect us to see something as simple as a smile or glance to mean that we can approach them with romantic intent. ](*,)

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  6. #975
    Silver Member SometimesShy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bulletproof
    Sometimes it takes trying out five therapists, ten therapists, whatever, but saying that you tried one or two people and it just didn't work isn't very productive or fair to yourself. It may just be that the best therapist in Toronto was not a good fit for you. So be it.
    Last year I spent 9 months in a social anxiety therapy group for both men and women, which was very interesting to meet other people that suffer from different degrees of social anxiety. I remember the first couple of meetings where a few members of the group thought I must have been faking my anxiety because I was very talkative and bubbly during our meetings, and I did not physically look like a person that should have anxiety about anything. The two female psychologists that were running our group, were kind of stumped when it came to me. Despite bi-weekly group sessions and many one-on-one personal sessions, they really had no clue how to help me. I left the group after 9 months, as it really wasn't helping me.

    Originally Posted by bulletproof
    If you haven't conquered the shyness, then you can go to tons of different events and it won't matter, because you lack the skills to engage with these women.
    After spending most of my life trying to figure this out, neither myself or a small group of therapists have been able to find a way to "conquer" my shyness. I don't lack communication or social skills once I am past the "ice breaking" stage, but that's just it, "breaking the ice" is where my inhibitions manifest themselves. When this happens I am blanking out, no thoughts are going through my head, just a primal feeling of terror overwhelms me, and sometimes triggers full on panic-attacks.

    Originally Posted by bulletproof
    I think that wishing women would approach more is not doing you any favors. Why not change what you can (yourself) instead of expecting the world around you to change?
    I've been trying most of my life to change my "romantic shyness", and so far I have no clue what I can do to effect change, and neither have the therapists that I've seen so far. I have some ideas where my shyness came from, which I think relates to my childhood and teenage years, growing up with 3 very nosy extrovert sisters and an extremely dominant military father. ( his father was also heavy duty military, which explains a lot about my dad )

  7. #976
    Silver Member ClarenceRutherford's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Spacecapsule
    02-12-2011 10:12 PM

    I am not sure about appreciating me, but a flaw of mine is to really get down on myself if things do not go as planned.

    Tomorrow I plan on asking a young woman to lunch. So in about 10 hours I will either be the happiest and most relieved person in the world, or the saddest most depressed individual you have ever seen.
    So... how'd it go?
    As this post was in Feb., have you asked other ladies out and gone on other dates?

    Am hoping you were happy.

  8. #977
    Silver Member ClarenceRutherford's Avatar
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    Rog,
    Where is that post? Went to p. 14 but couldn't find it.
    Please link to it again and will see what we can do.

  9. 03-28-2019, 07:57 AM


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