The Love-Shy Male

It seems everywhere I look, there are posts about guys who are so depressed and ready to give up on life itself just because they do not have a girlfriend, nor have they ever. These are the love-shy males. They would give their very soul to have someone special in their life.

They are men who are constantly preoccupied with the ideation of finding a girlfriend. They tend to deject male friendships and have various other commonalities. There are generally seven main criteria in order to be officially deemed a love-shy male:

1. He is a male.

2. He is a virgin.

3. He is a person who very rarely goes out socially with women. (None of the love-shys studied for this book had dated more than four times during the year prior to being interviewed.)

4. He is a person without a past history of any emotionally close, meaningful relationships of a romantic and/or sexual nature with any member of the opposite sex.

5. He is a person who has suffered and is continuing to suffer emotionally because of a lack of meaningful female companionship. In short, he is a person who desperately wishes to have a relationship with a woman, but does not have one because of shyness.

6. He is a man who becomes extremely anxiety-ridden over so much as the mere thought of asserting himself vis-a-vis a woman in a casual, friendly way. This is the essense of "love-shyness".

7. He is a man who is strictly heterosexual in his romantic and erotic orientations. In other words, he is a person who is in no way a homosexual.

(Technically, I would be considered a love-shy male myself except for the fact that items 4 and 6 are not accurate of me. I used to be engaged and I do not have a problem with talking to girls if I am not interested in them emotionally or sexually.)

There are many other common factors in the shy-male, including being bullied excessively as a child, having very low self-esteem and different than normal (from the "typical" male) hobbies and interests, for example love-shy males tend to be much less interested in sports than non love-shy males. They are numerous other factors as well. Further information can be found in Dr. Gilmartin's book on love-shy males. He conducted an extensive study on the effects and repercussions of this pervasive phenonema. I strongly urge every male who falls under the criteria to read the book (or at least segments of it) and get help. link removed

You don't have to be love-shy, and acknowledging its existence and harmfulness is the first step to overcoming it!

Also, here is an extremely eye-opening test for anyone who is wondering if they may be a love-shy male. link removed It is on the main page. An average non-love shy male should have a score between 100-110 or higher.

I scored an 83, which is low, but not low enough to be considered love-shy, by Gilmartin's standard. If you score low (especially lower than 50) please seek help in overcoming your social anxieties with women! Or you really will end up dying alone. I'm taking steps to overcome my problems in interacting with women as much as possible! I implore all of the other guys who are in this same boat (I know there are A LOT of you, whether you choose to speak up or not!) to do the same. Don't think this problem will resolve itself or go away on its own. It won't. You have to be willing to take a stand and make some changes in your interactions with women.

I think Gilmartin is right on in some of his ideas:

Having been without the meaningful love/compassion of a woman for a significantly

greater length of time, it logically follows that they would be worse

off. Heterosexual love is a great medicine and healing elixir. And this

is why I believe that it would greatly benefit society to pull out the

stops (1) in getting its love-shy members healed of their love-shyness,

and (2) in getting all people involved in meaningful social networks.

Love-shyness represents a horrendous waste of valuable human resources

Of course, anyone who would jump precipitously into marriage under

the assumption that marriage would solve all of his problems would

obviously be headed for trouble. However, as this book will make clear,

love-shy men have a considerably below average susceptibility towards

taking overly hasty actions. Indeed, if anything they are vulnerable

towards acting far too slowly for their own good!

-Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment, p 18,19.

I want to believe that this problem can be overcome with effort, determination and persistence!

Best wishes and good luck.

It's good that you found this and I'm gonna link to this in the future when giving advice to these guys.

There is absolutely no doubt that this can be overcome and anyone reading this post can be assured of that. I've seen it happen with my own two eyes.

Wow, ALL the points apply to me. Every single one of them. I scored 37.

heloladies: That's great. It's good to hear some success stories. It gives everyone hope.

The important thing to remember is that this is a very destructive spiral to be caught in. Like I said, I think I would technically consider myself to be love-shy, even though I don't entirely fit the criteria. I have a lot of growing myself to do. But I'm working on it. When I found this, it was like a slap in the face. It was a wake up call to reality. To stop running away, stop blaming others and start taking ownership for my own life and future.

People that think it's hopeless are doomed unless they start to consciously and deliberately start making some changes. Miss Right isn't going to "magically" fall out of the sky, into your lap and everything will be happily ever after. It doesn't work that way.

If you want a woman, you have to first acknowledge your problem, then get help and work as hard as you can to overcome it.

"Only those who run will get the prize." You don't win a trophy for just sitting at home and crying over being single. Lamenting one's own weakness without making any changes gets you nowhere.

I took the test, and since I don't dance or go to college, it was a stretch.

Still, it seemed pretty realistic.

From the situations described in those questions I'd say the problem is the guy is putting too much emphasis on the outside of the girl and not on the fact she might be a human and she might be nice and that all this junk isn't being love-shy its just being too chicken to take a few knocks when he gets shot down.

As an older guy, I noticed something.

I took the test and got a high score, and I'm a shy guy. The reason for that is simple. I'm not hitting on women, just talking to them. The test assumes the guy is after more than conversation. Women past a certain age don't feel like targets, so they're easier to chat with. For some reason younger women don't feel as on guard around me.

From the situations described in those questions I'd say the problem is the guy is putting too much emphasis on the outside of the girl and not on the fact she might be a human and she might be nice and that all this junk isn't being love-shy its just being too chicken to take a few knocks when he gets shot down.

It's precisely because she's a human that I'm afraid. If she were a dog or a robot I'd have no problem chatting her up

Why is it that women never make the first move? So we're chicken, well women are always chicken because they rarely, if ever, make the first move!

My ex wife made the first move.

My mother whistled at a guy in the park and married him.

A waitress friend spilled coffee on a customer and asked her date to meet her after work...they married.

My mother whistled at a guy in the park and married him.

Whaaaat? Why does this never happen in my town?

It's precisely because she's a human that I'm afraid. If she were a dog or a robot I'd have no problem chatting her up

I'm not so sure what you'r afraid of. Do you really think you're going to hurt her by at the very worst saying "Hi?" Like she's going to go home and cry because of it? I just don't think so. I've had negative responses to hitting on girls, but I've never injured one of them in the process. This line of thinking doesn't make sense.

 

 

Why is it that women never make the first move?

This is just the way God made it and sitting around complaining about it will get you exactly nowhere because it ain't gonna change. there is an alternative however, accept it and learn how to get over your own fear of initiating because one thing is for sure, you cannot change the way all of this works, only your view and your actions.

 

So we're chicken, well women are always chicken because they rarely, if ever, make the first move!

So what? There are still gonna be guys willing to hit on them, so in the end the only one who's missing out on anything is you.

Again this is complaining. Useless. You could learn how to do this the right way, or you just continue to complain about it. But just realize that if you refuse to educate yourself and get over your own shortcomings, you're gonna be missing out on all the great things that come along with interacting with women.

If you read part of the book you'd see that the Love-shy male tends to be envious towards women because they do not have the social pressures of having to be the approacher (or initiator) of a relationship or interaction between the two sexes.

In sum, they want the relationship, but not the role of having to be the one who initiates the relationship.

I was much the same. Got me NOWHERE, but I was much the same.

Then I got fed up.

From the situations described in those questions I'd say the problem is the guy is putting too much emphasis on the outside of the girl and not on the fact she might be a human and she might be nice and that all this junk isn't being love-shy its just being too chicken to take a few knocks when he gets shot down.

There's simply more to it than that.

There is too much in common among all the males that were classified as such to say that they are just cowards. It's true they lack courage in social interactions with women, but that's an oversimplification to say otherwise.

Most of these men never even get to the point of even having the balls to ask a girl out, let alone talk to one to even ask for the time of day. So fear of rejection doesn't necessarily factor in when they have NO prior experience with women at all.

I was much the same. Got me NOWHERE, but I was much the same.

 

Then I got fed up.

And that is why you are gonna get exactly where you wanna be.

I suppose, but it is definitely an uphill battle. I find old habits often come back to bite me and they can be hard to shake.

I hope that others will eventually realize what kind of situation they are in and take the necessary steps to fix this problem.

Hmm, I had a chance to go through most of the book this evening. I strongly disagree with a couple points (lol), but most of it is true and does seem to indicate a type of personality that is quite prevalent amongst men who desparately want a woman but can never seem to get one.

Let's talk about some of those points. This is where your true learning takes place.

Okay, it's got nothing to do with dating or approaching women. But let's take a look at some of his stuff near the beginning: He writes specifically about reincarnation and astrology. Now, I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but these subjects should NOT appear in a scientific study or book. lol They have no merit there. He's more than entitled to his beliefs, but come on, that stuff has little relevancy to anything else he discusses.

Moreover, near the end, I don't really agree with his whole "sexual surrogacy" idea for treatment. I think a lot of his treatment ideas are great and would work wonders (I read through them all extensively), but I guess I'd be classified as one of those "moralists" that opposes such nonsense. lol

Either way, it's a great book and you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Of course, it is nearly 20 years old and some of the research then is probably outdated now. For instance, is there actually one specific gene which inhibits people's social interactions? I don't believe there is. It's more complex than that.

But I'm not trying to bad mouth the guy. If you look at the actual findings about love-shy men throughout the book, you'll see numerous commonalities in their behaviour, appearance, attitudes and values. It's quite astounding, really. (Plus, I don't want to be like those losers, so it's a real catalyst for me to change ASAP!!! lol)

So I woke up today feeling like * * * *, emotionally. I started to think of reasons of why I even bother waking up and the list was painfully short. I spent the rest of today, up until now, selfloathing. And when I'm feeling in one of these moods I always come by this site to maybe make a post and read about other peoples problems to try and put my own in perspective.

anyway, I started reading about all these shy people and seeing the line "What has being shy ever gotten you? NOTHING" (or something along those lines). This thread in particular so I'm slapping this post here.

It's like a light has just clicked or something. EXACTLY, what has being shy ever gave me? I have my reasons for being shy, but I'd rather go out trying and failing instead of living my life alone and a virgin. I gotta try.

I'm going down to the store where a girl I like works, she may not be there, it may even be closed. But I'm going, and if she's there I'm going to talk to her. I'm going offer her my number, and hopefully all will work out well.

There's a HUGE chance I'll fail and she won't call, and I'll feel that lovely feeling of rejection. However, there's a small chance she will call me, or want to hang out, or something. And that's a lot more of a chance than I'd ever get by sitting at my house doing nothing.

Although I guess I could go up there and chicken out and not do anything. Whatever, baby steps.

Wish me luck, and thanks for motivating me!

I'm going down to the store where a girl I like works, she may not be there, it may even be closed. But I'm going, and if she's there I'm going to talk to her. I'm going offer her my number, and hopefully all will work out well.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't give her yours, ASK FOR HERS!

Part of the reason people feel so down on themselves is a lack of control. Giving her your number isn't gaining any control as you could sit there and wonder why she isn't calling, when she'll call, etc. If YOU get her number than YOU dictate when you call. YOU are in control.

Good luck buddy!

Or... you could recognize that you have a problem and start taking steps to fix it.

I want to suggest to the younger guys hereabouts that they decide to do something about this kind of problem sooner rather than later, because someday it really might be too late, and you don't always know just how soon that day may come.

It's never too late. You could learn how to do this in a year of hard work.

The physical difficulties mean nothing to the chick. Even the psychological difficulties don't mean a thing. Girls fall for guys with these problems everyday.

It's definitely not too late.

And no one expects literal perfection. It's okay to not be perfect, because no woman out there is perfect either. Women just want someone who makes them feel good, who is fun to be with and easy going. That kind of attitude can be learned, if you are serious about things.

When I meet a guy, whether or not he's got mental problems isn't the first question I have. If you click with someone, their eyeballs could be spinning around in their heads -- it won't matter. But you won't get to the point of finding out if you click with someone unless you talk to them.

And let her decide whether or not she wants to deal with your physical problems herself. I have MS. My husband married me anyway. So far, so good.