Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 17 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 165

Thread: Men who can't love.... LADIES - PLEASE READ!

  1. #1
    newvenus
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    52

    Men who can't love.... LADIES - PLEASE READ!

    Ladies -- I just read a book yesterday that absolutely changed my life!

    My boyfriend and I split right when things were growing. I was confused. Didn't know what to think.

    In the beginning of the relationship he came on strong and showed more interest in me than me in him. He told me I was special and he was going out of his way to impress me. He always told me that he was looking for a 'permanent' and stable relationship and gave clues that he wanted to get married. When I finally gave in to the idea of dating him exclusively.... he vanished! Good thing I didn't sleep with him!!!!!

    In any event.... I was devastated to say the least. I couldn't understand why this wonderful man who appeared to be so in love with me just vanished. In my search for comfort, I went to the book store and came accross the book "men who can't love (committment phobics) by Carter". At first I wasn't sure what to think of it... but as I started reading, my eyes, soul, brain, and every instinc I have in my body opened realizing that this man is one of MANY others out there who happened to be emotionally crippled!

    While reading the book I cried, laugh (A LOT), and realized that the break up had absolutly nothing to do with me. This guy is sick -- emotionally sick! I feel horrible for him but I must stay away from him at all cause!

    If you were in a relationship that all of the sudden vanished... i.e., he was loving, caring, helpful, understanding, etc., etc.... and one day he dissappeared, READ THE BOOK! You will be in for a WONDERFUL awakening. PLEASE don't wait... I finally was able to get a good night sleep last night and today had breakfast which I haven't had for weeks.

    I wish you all the best!

  2. #2
    Meow18
    Gold Member Meow18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    IL
    Age
    31
    Posts
    2,780
    Gender
    Female
    Thanks for the suggestion! That sounds like an interesting book and I'm glad that it made you feel better about your past relationship.

  3. #3
    Beec
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    7,404
    Men like this can love, but they are difficult to reach with any real emotion. Once they do love however, they are as dependent on you as a baby. These guys are seeking to chase and conquer, and when the chase is over, when the woman is conquered, they no longer desire her, because there is nothing left to chase and conquer. They are often rakes who will do whatever it takes to conquer the most unwilling woman, choosing to pick the harder rather than easier target.

    A key I see here is that he really poured it on strong. He did anything and said anything and everything he thought you would want to here until you were conquered, so to speak. A guy seeking anything but to conquer will often not be in such a hurry.

  4. #4
    chai714
    Platinum Member chai714's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    The End of the Pier
    Age
    38
    Posts
    2,852
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    1
    Quote Originally Posted by Beec [Register to see the link]
    A guy seeking anything but to conquer will often not be in such a hurry.
    I think Beec made an excellent point. A man who likes you probably does because you two have enough in common to conversate and will allow your friendship/relationship to grow at a normal pace.

    On another note regarding the book you've read - it's great if it made you feel better, however take note that you personally have a high degree of controlling how people feel. If he's got problems, fine, be happy that he's gone but note that everyone has them and it's usually a matter of getting inside of their heads and figuring out how they see things and relating to them.

    Good luck.

  5. #5
    violingirl
    Bronze Member violingirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    New York, NY
    Age
    41
    Posts
    707
    Gender
    Female
    You may also want to read "He's Scared, She's Scared", also by Carter and Sokol. It's an excellent book about commitmentphobic behavior and the signs to look out for. After I read it, I swore that my ex's picture should have been on the cover of the book.

    Beec is spot on - once a commitmentphobe "conquers" you and knows that you love them and are committed to them, they start to lose interest. They crave the chase. It happened to me. My ex left me for a woman who is emotionallly distant and doesn't love him. He prefers that to the loving, caring and intimate relationship that we had together. It's very sad how commitmentphobes destroy and sabotage strong relationships with their fears.

  6. #6
    newvenus
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    52
    I know! I couldn't believe it myself either. Although, I never showed him too much interest (even though I fell in love w/him). One of the mistakes I made was that I kept on braking up with him because the relationship wasn't progressing and I didn't feel that my needs were being met. He even told me several times that the only reason why I didn't want to sleep with him was because he wasn't giving me the emotional intimacy that I wanted in a relationship.

    The most difficult thing to do right now is to let go... BUT I WILL LET GO! I don't need a man in my life .... I want a man in my life ... and that's a huge difference. I can't believe I didn't see this before. How painful!

  7. #7
    Juliana
    Platinum Member Juliana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    980
    One thing I noticed about my husband; when I was nicer to him, he started to lose focus on the relationship. When I toughened up and treated him less lovingly, he zoned right back in.

    When I told him this, he didn't believe it.

  8. #8
    shikashika
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Age
    39
    Posts
    5,651
    Gender
    Female
    Quote Originally Posted by Juliana [Register to see the link]
    One thing I noticed about my husband; when I was nicer to him, he started to lose focus on the relationship. When I toughened up and treated him less lovingly, he zoned right back in.
    I have had this happen too. problem is... i didn't treat him less lovingly... so he continued to zone out and out and out...

  9. #9
    newvenus
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    52
    Chai,
    I agree with you to some extend ... however, you have to be in love with a CP to learn how difficult a relationship with him is. I can play hard to get, I can avoid his calls to make him wonder where I am at, etc., etc., but I could never get the love that I want and deserve from someone that is emotionally disabled. He doesn't know what love is.... A CP generally has never allowed himself to be love because as soon as he gets the love he was chasing, he doesn't walk... he runs!

    He had problems with his childhood and I'm certain that it is all related to same thing. I love him so much but if I stay in the relationship trying to figure out how to get inside his head, I'm only going to put myself in a dangerious situation where I may lose myself. I have spent days.. weeks not being able to close my eyes at night. I lost weight (which is great!) and I have been miserable waiting for him to contact me since we broke up. I could wait some more and see what happens.... or I could take my butt out of his life and try to find someone else that is deserving of my love.

    Right now I am content that I know is not my fault .... but I am sad (VERY SAD) that we don't have a future together. The most difficult thing is that I have to see him several times a week because we work out at the same gym. I actually saw him the other day... he asked me if he could contact me from time to time to say hi. I told him that he could say hi to me at the gym. A few minutes later, I saw him hunting another woman there.

    Of course I want him to love me .... but I don't think he'll ever be able to do so.

    (crying)

  10. #10
    Caterina
    Gold Member Caterina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    2,062
    Quote Originally Posted by Juliana [Register to see the link]
    One thing I noticed about my husband; when I was nicer to him, he started to lose focus on the relationship. When I toughened up and treated him less lovingly, he zoned right back in.

    When I told him this, he didn't believe it.
    Its sad how people expect others to "discipline" them into being good partners instead of being motivated by love instead of fear. A lot of men are this way, from what I've seen. They don't start acting loving until your foot is almost out the door.

    I don't want this anymore. I won't be a man's mother.

  11.  

Page 1 of 17 1234 ... LastLast
Top Threads
Sexless Relationship - What Should I Do?
My partner and I have been together for 3 years and have a 1 year old son. Our sex life has never been great, but I mostly put that down to pregnancy
Having a hard time ending a toxic relationship, please help!
[I][COLOR="#0000FF"][I]So I am in a relationship that I deem toxic. My boyfriend is always angry even though I do things for him to try to cheer him
Anyone Ever Deal With A Person with Bipolar?
I have been contemplating over posting this for weeks now, trying my hardest to actually wrap my head around my encounter and understand this
Can't let go
Hi I'm new here. I "mutually" broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years over two months ago. But looking back I think she pushed us to it and had
When you don't know whether to break up or not
So I've been with this guy for 4 months now. Things have not been a fairy tale, ever. But he was the only guy that was really interesting and we hit
Living with my ex and kids. It's a nightmare!
I have been with my now ex, for 5 years. We have 3 children together, and live together. A few months ago she was talking about not being in love
My ex slept with someone
Hey looking for advice x my ex went out last night when I stayed at hers with my son x she came back this morning and told me she slept with someone

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
Don Juan President
I'm the president of Don Juans. I know all the top moves to make with females and I've had sex so many times. If a man needs advice ask right here.
Talk Dirty to Me!
OMGosh this is rampant. I have been serial dating in hopes of finding a long term relationship. BTW, nn the past two weeks I have been doing really
Is it wrong that I don't drive my parent's car to drive myself places as of now?
I am 20 and I have my driver's license but I don't have my own car yet so I have to rely on my parents and the bus to get me places but my parents
Friendship changes, how to deal?
Hello All, My friend and I are close. We consider our friendship like a brother & sister type. Lately, I've been noticing he has been treating me
Online Dating Descripton Sets Off Red Flags For Me, But Maybe Not for Others?
I have someone who has been giving me attention with Online Dating (yes, I thought I'd give it a gentle go. Dip my toe in the water even though I was
Help
Hi, I'm 37 and I have been with my partner for about 5 years and we have been married just under a year. About 5 months ago my now wife had an
Did you ever get over your first love? Post your stories!
Hello, I've been feeling kind of down lately because I always hear people saying that you never get over your first love, or you'll always compare
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •