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Thread: Men who can't love.... LADIES - PLEASE READ!

  1. #1
    newvenus
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    Men who can't love.... LADIES - PLEASE READ!

    Ladies -- I just read a book yesterday that absolutely changed my life!

    My boyfriend and I split right when things were growing. I was confused. Didn't know what to think.

    In the beginning of the relationship he came on strong and showed more interest in me than me in him. He told me I was special and he was going out of his way to impress me. He always told me that he was looking for a 'permanent' and stable relationship and gave clues that he wanted to get married. When I finally gave in to the idea of dating him exclusively.... he vanished! Good thing I didn't sleep with him!!!!!

    In any event.... I was devastated to say the least. I couldn't understand why this wonderful man who appeared to be so in love with me just vanished. In my search for comfort, I went to the book store and came accross the book "men who can't love (committment phobics) by Carter". At first I wasn't sure what to think of it... but as I started reading, my eyes, soul, brain, and every instinc I have in my body opened realizing that this man is one of MANY others out there who happened to be emotionally crippled!

    While reading the book I cried, laugh (A LOT), and realized that the break up had absolutly nothing to do with me. This guy is sick -- emotionally sick! I feel horrible for him but I must stay away from him at all cause!

    If you were in a relationship that all of the sudden vanished... i.e., he was loving, caring, helpful, understanding, etc., etc.... and one day he dissappeared, READ THE BOOK! You will be in for a WONDERFUL awakening. PLEASE don't wait... I finally was able to get a good night sleep last night and today had breakfast which I haven't had for weeks.

    I wish you all the best!

  2. #2
    Meow18
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    Thanks for the suggestion! That sounds like an interesting book and I'm glad that it made you feel better about your past relationship.

  3. #3
    Beec
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    Men like this can love, but they are difficult to reach with any real emotion. Once they do love however, they are as dependent on you as a baby. These guys are seeking to chase and conquer, and when the chase is over, when the woman is conquered, they no longer desire her, because there is nothing left to chase and conquer. They are often rakes who will do whatever it takes to conquer the most unwilling woman, choosing to pick the harder rather than easier target.

    A key I see here is that he really poured it on strong. He did anything and said anything and everything he thought you would want to here until you were conquered, so to speak. A guy seeking anything but to conquer will often not be in such a hurry.

  4. #4
    chai714
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beec [Register to see the link]
    A guy seeking anything but to conquer will often not be in such a hurry.
    I think Beec made an excellent point. A man who likes you probably does because you two have enough in common to conversate and will allow your friendship/relationship to grow at a normal pace.

    On another note regarding the book you've read - it's great if it made you feel better, however take note that you personally have a high degree of controlling how people feel. If he's got problems, fine, be happy that he's gone but note that everyone has them and it's usually a matter of getting inside of their heads and figuring out how they see things and relating to them.

    Good luck.

  5. #5
    violingirl
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    You may also want to read "He's Scared, She's Scared", also by Carter and Sokol. It's an excellent book about commitmentphobic behavior and the signs to look out for. After I read it, I swore that my ex's picture should have been on the cover of the book.

    Beec is spot on - once a commitmentphobe "conquers" you and knows that you love them and are committed to them, they start to lose interest. They crave the chase. It happened to me. My ex left me for a woman who is emotionallly distant and doesn't love him. He prefers that to the loving, caring and intimate relationship that we had together. It's very sad how commitmentphobes destroy and sabotage strong relationships with their fears.

  6. #6
    newvenus
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    I know! I couldn't believe it myself either. Although, I never showed him too much interest (even though I fell in love w/him). One of the mistakes I made was that I kept on braking up with him because the relationship wasn't progressing and I didn't feel that my needs were being met. He even told me several times that the only reason why I didn't want to sleep with him was because he wasn't giving me the emotional intimacy that I wanted in a relationship.

    The most difficult thing to do right now is to let go... BUT I WILL LET GO! I don't need a man in my life .... I want a man in my life ... and that's a huge difference. I can't believe I didn't see this before. How painful!

  7. #7
    Juliana
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    One thing I noticed about my husband; when I was nicer to him, he started to lose focus on the relationship. When I toughened up and treated him less lovingly, he zoned right back in.

    When I told him this, he didn't believe it.

  8. #8
    shikashika
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    Quote Originally Posted by Juliana [Register to see the link]
    One thing I noticed about my husband; when I was nicer to him, he started to lose focus on the relationship. When I toughened up and treated him less lovingly, he zoned right back in.
    I have had this happen too. problem is... i didn't treat him less lovingly... so he continued to zone out and out and out...

  9. #9
    newvenus
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    Chai,
    I agree with you to some extend ... however, you have to be in love with a CP to learn how difficult a relationship with him is. I can play hard to get, I can avoid his calls to make him wonder where I am at, etc., etc., but I could never get the love that I want and deserve from someone that is emotionally disabled. He doesn't know what love is.... A CP generally has never allowed himself to be love because as soon as he gets the love he was chasing, he doesn't walk... he runs!

    He had problems with his childhood and I'm certain that it is all related to same thing. I love him so much but if I stay in the relationship trying to figure out how to get inside his head, I'm only going to put myself in a dangerious situation where I may lose myself. I have spent days.. weeks not being able to close my eyes at night. I lost weight (which is great!) and I have been miserable waiting for him to contact me since we broke up. I could wait some more and see what happens.... or I could take my butt out of his life and try to find someone else that is deserving of my love.

    Right now I am content that I know is not my fault .... but I am sad (VERY SAD) that we don't have a future together. The most difficult thing is that I have to see him several times a week because we work out at the same gym. I actually saw him the other day... he asked me if he could contact me from time to time to say hi. I told him that he could say hi to me at the gym. A few minutes later, I saw him hunting another woman there.

    Of course I want him to love me .... but I don't think he'll ever be able to do so.

    (crying)

  10. #10
    Caterina
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    Quote Originally Posted by Juliana [Register to see the link]
    One thing I noticed about my husband; when I was nicer to him, he started to lose focus on the relationship. When I toughened up and treated him less lovingly, he zoned right back in.

    When I told him this, he didn't believe it.
    Its sad how people expect others to "discipline" them into being good partners instead of being motivated by love instead of fear. A lot of men are this way, from what I've seen. They don't start acting loving until your foot is almost out the door.

    I don't want this anymore. I won't be a man's mother.

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