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Thread: Post-breakup journal

  1. #1
    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    Post-breakup journal

    Instead of starting a new thread every time or adding to an old one when the situation is now different, I figured this was the way to go...Just to get my feelings out there without being in everyone's face, haha.

    This morning I woke up fully expecting him to text me again saying that he's sick and not coming to class. He didn't. So I show up half an hour early and wait for him to come...no such luck. Of course, by the time lecture starts, I'm thinking that he hates me and is trying to spend as little time with me as possible...and then thinking that maybe something terrible happened...and then thinking that maybe he dropped the class to avoid me altogether (he can't drop though, otherwise he won't be full-time anymore). Well, he walks into the lecture hall a minute or so late and sits down next to me. The professor has already started, so for the next hour I'm clueless.

    Once class ends, I tease him about oversleeping. He looks at me wide-eyed and asks me if I got the text he sent earlier. Clearly, I didn't. No reception in the building. Once we walk outside, sure enough, the text pops up, saying that he'll "be there in a sec, the ramp's backed up to ___." He explains that he had to wait for 25 minutes to get into the parking ramp. Very plausible, parking's a royal pain. And he's still not feeling great, it's on-and-off. I ask him if he has a break in the afternoon, he says yes...but he's going to go home and sleep. No lunch together then? No lunch. Obviously, I'm quite upset. I should just give up on that idea. Before we part ways, he asks to borrow a pencil. Sure, go ahead. I'll kill ya if you lose it.

    I later realize that I need my pencil to do homework! (I get attached to my writing utensils, and I'm anal which one I use to do certain things). I decide to be slightly crazy and wait for him halfway between his class and the parking ramp. On his way to his car, he notices and comes over. I ask him for the pencil, and also take the opportunity to give him the season tickets that we got (and that I picked up). We're planning on going to some games and giving the rest of them away. He asks me how many games I want to go to (with him, obviously). I have no clue!!! (As many as he's willing to go to, but I can't say that). I tell him to work it out with his brother (who'll buy some of the tickets) and then get back to me.

    The whole conversation (about some other random things, too) lasts about 15 minutes, during which we're sitting on the curb. We then walk to his car and talk there for about 5 minutes about maybe studying together for our exams...and I really really want a hug and a kiss, but obviously I can't ask for that. He waves goodbye as he drives off...and I'm left there wanting to cry because I so desperately want to be sitting in his car next to him...

    I just have so many questions. If he really doesn't care, they why text me to make sure I don't worry? Why sit down next to me in the middle of campus to chat for a little while? Why make plans to go to games together? (there are plenty of other people he can go with besides me -- I'm the one who needs him to go with me because my friends hate sports) And why not just tell me to lose all hope, instead of making potential study plans? Or if there really _is_ hope, like I want to think, why not tell me that we should give things another try?

    And now I have to sit and wait for his call so that we can figure out when we're studying. If we're studying. I hate uncertainty.

  2. #2
    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    Darn it...it's been 2 1/2 months now. I can't believe we're not together anymore. I miss what we had...because until I started getting too comfortable with things, we had something great. I miss knowing that he's happy to be talking to me and that can't wait until we see each other again...I miss him checking in with me to see how little things went...I miss sending him little messages that just say I love you...or even just a smiley face. I miss those silences that are not awkward at all, the ones that you enjoy because you just feel his presense...

    I miss the way he would comment on me smiling...being called the nicknames that only he called me...seeing That Look in his eyes and seeing that slightly crooked smile of his. I miss the way he'd get so passionate about those things that I knew nothing about, and his excitement would somehow make me excited...And how he looked so different wearing glasses.

    And there's that cute noise he used to make, that funny little hmph. The way he'd randomly say a line from a song and want me to finish it...How he knew exactly when to be a little stern and keep me motivated...How he always made me feel comfortable, wanted, and included in the strangest situations. And how he believed in me...

    But I resisted. And he gave up. And I wish more than anything that I could back time and prove that he wasn't wrong when he believed in me...I guess I might never get the chance.

    I wonder what it feels like to break somebody's heart like he broke mine...
    Last edited by laboheme; 10-06-2006 at 12:58 AM.

  3. #3
    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    He's still poking me on facebook...And he updated his myspace today, and the new text described an ideal vacation day, which includes chilling with "that gal of yours." Eh, which gal are we talking about? He doesn't have a new girl, I know that for a fact. Is he just saying that in the perfect fantasy, he's like his gal to be with him? Or is he talking to the reader and telling the reader to chill with a gal? Or is he maybe putting in a subtle hint about missing me? But I'm not his gal anymore, so he can't really refer to me as such...Ugh.

  4. #4
    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    I dropped by his workplace today (we agreed on that yesterday) to clarify some stuff for a midterm. But I ended up feeling kind of emotional, so I asked him to step around the counter...he did, and I gave him a hug and put my head on his shoulder. He put his arms around me, kind of reluctantly at first, but then gave me a little squeeze that just felt warm to me somehow. Asked me if I was okay...I said yes and pulled away. I thought I caught a bit of warmth in his eyes, a caring look...so I gave him another hug, which he reciprocated. And then I left.

    Stupid, I know...but at least I got a seemingly warm hug and saw that look...

    I'm hopeless. Never learn.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    So he's not going to give me answers, I have to figure this out for myself, and nobody can help me. Supposedly this experience will help me become more "socially mature." I'll be damned if I know what he means by that.

  7. #6
    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    I'm now number 8 on his friends list. Yes, I know it's just stupid online stuff...but it looks like he purposely moved me to that place, without changing the order of the other people. It would be so much easier if he had deleted me right away...At least then I would know right away where I stand.

    I just don't understand, our relationship was so good for such a long time...how can he not care at all right now? But then again, when I asked for a hug, I felt like he cared...

    I'm really losing hope. But all I can do right now is wait...wait for our class together, wait for the first basketball game that he wants to go to together (if he decides that he still does)...Just wait and put on a happy face when I'm around him. But it hurts so badly...


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