Married man....please help

Aawww Female. ! Maybe he did just need a friend and you felt that he was grasping for more. I've had friends that didn't tell me they were married until after several shared emails, glances, and whatnot. I've had friends that I thought about lowering my standards and morals because we both pushed the line too much.

I respect that this man has been honest with you and clear with you. I think you should stop pushing the line.

Please be realistic here. You will gain NOTHING by telling your boss the details of your personal life. I think this was an excuse for you to contact him again. And I think if you tell your boss, you have an agenda of getting everyone upset at him. Unfortunately, you are the one that stands to lose here. If you exploit your personal life, you may very possibly lose your job and at that point, you will have nothing. Your life will then be messy.

What can we do to build your strength? Do you have any vacation time? I think it would be a good idea to take off for a few days and see a counselor.

~Hugs~

Female - I feel bad for you. I know some people do not like religious advice, but I think you need to get on your knees and pray - not just one day, but keep praying everyday that God will give you power to get through this. I've done this before during hard times, and it will work if you keep at it. Trust me. God will listen to you.

This is a bit out of hand, isn't it? I think you need to leave your job, it's really the only way. I know you are under contract, but I think if you went to see a doctor you would have a good case of extreme emotional stress, and may be able to get out that way.

If you can do this without telling management what happened that would be ideal. Whatever you do, don't do it out of revenge. You did threaten him, and I'm not surprised he took it as such. You need to get out of there, start again somewhere and start to get over this.

female - whatever you do, do not tell management. here is why - you tell management that you are upset because a married man was hitting on you, and you have feelings for him. however, no matter how you slice it, it is unprofessional. i think that most employers are willing to cut people some slack, but if it has been affecting your work for 2 months, it is not ok anymore!

here's the thing - they will interview him, and he will say, "yes, we had some friendly conversations, but then I noticed she started becoming interested in me. At that point I told her no, that I was married, and was not interested in having an affair. I was firm, however, as you can see from my e-mail records, she has sent me 25 e-mails in 44 days, all unreturned. She has been harassing me!!!!"

at which point, female1981, you are likely to be fired.

I am sorry to be harsh, but you are in a pile of trouble all of your own making. this should have been a minor crush that passed, but it has crossed over into obession. YOU HAVE threatened this man!!! you are in danger of losing your job!!! Pull it together, get your work on track, don't tell your superiors about your troubles what happened there - just say personal problems, but that you are on top of them now (let them think that you have a sick aunt, and that is why you are upset.)

anyways, I definitely think you need to talk to a therapist at this point. this has crossed over into dangerous territory, you are in danger of losing your career over one stupid married man you had a crush on.

When you play with fire, you're gonna get burned. Sound familiar? You can't ever expect something good from something bad. This was all wrong and now you are going to make it worse by trying to drag him through the mud by going to management about an issue that should have never happened in the first place. Let him go and next time THINK about your actions and repercussions on your reputation. Respect the institution of marriage, how would you like some young thing to come along and steal your husband some day....karma is a real wicked thing at times.

RC

uh-oh. I have been away and was catching up on your posts, female.

You seemed to have had it all under control till now - which is good. Congratulations. The way you were thinking and expressing yourself was positive and reflective.

HOWEVER. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WHEN YOU EMAILED HIM TELLING HIM SOMETHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN?

I am not asking a rhetorical question. I am actually asking what triggered it? Was it a panic attack? A sudden rush of loneliness? A rush of anger?

It's important to pinpoint it and figure out WHY it happened. Then you need to spot the signs and CONTROL it. Otherwise it's pointless for so many of us to post hundreds of posters saying 'Stay away, stay away' because unless you find the cause, you can never heal the ailment....

I have anxiety and mini-panic attacks myself. things got better when i went to a counselor and a psychiatrist to work through it. I definitely think that is the way to go in your case female.

hi everyone.

you are all correct. I messed up real bad, and the reason is that yes - i did have a panic attack and maybe i was looking for an excuse to contact him. at the time, i thought he would care. yes, my email was threatening - but i did not see it to be threatening whilst i was writing it, i was so blinded.

but things have really changed in the last day or two. i found out something about him - id rather not say what it is, but its something which i did not know before. the good effect of this is, i dont think i would want to be with him anymore.

i think it is over for me. and yes i will thank god and also pray that i never let this happen to me again

It's okay Female. Pick up and move on. You realize what you need to do. We all have small set backs but you are able to jump back up rather than being stuck in the rut.

I'm not at all prying. I am sorry that you found that out. (Whatever it may be, it can't be good.) Yes it is good that it will make it easier for you to move on but at the same time, it sounds like it may be another hit that will make you think "What was I doing?"

Lots of hugs and prayers!

thanks imthatgirl

well for the first time in all of this, i feel sorry for his wife. truly sorry. i think she has no idea what kind of man she decided to give her life to. i am so glad i escaped further involvement with somebody so dishonest and deceitful. and i dont care what he thinks of me anymore. regardless of all the obssessive behaviour i displayed, i know i am a really good person that is kind to others and always puts people before myself, and no matter what, he will never be a 'good' or 'nice' person. i dont even hate him. i pity him. good luck to him and his life.

i have followed this thread with my heart breaking for you because your situation sounds so much like what i have seen happen with many young women and married men who are looking for something on the side and are willing to draw in young women any way they can to get it. i don't know what you found out about this particular married man, but i am sure it was not good...

let me say some things that might help you. First, it sounded like he waited until you were emotionally attached to reveal he was married. a kind and faithful man will ALWAYS let it be know that he is married, and is proud of it. Many philanderers use the hook of being potentially available at first because they know it will draw you in and make you less likely to turn them down cold when you discover they are married if you are already emotionally involved with them emotionally before you find that news out.

Next, he tested whether you would be available for an extramarital (sexual) affair by moving from email flirtations to requesting 'hugs'... it sounds like he was just trying to lead you down the path to a physical relationship with him, a step at a time, and as soon as you turned away the 'hug' and told him never, turning a physical affair down, he was out of there... that is a *really* strong clue that what he was really after was just sex. Someone who was a nice married friend would not have suggested hugs with a single woman to begin with, and certainly wouldn't have rejected you and your entire friendship so quickly/coldly as soon as he found out you were not interested in a physical relationship with him because he is married.

so this is not a man looking for a relationship, because he already has one, with his wife, he was looking for potential extramarial sex, and you obviously wanted more from him than that and he realized it and bolted.

there are many men who are *experts* at philandering, and know what words (i love you, there's nobody else like you, etc.) will hook women into their game, but they also know exactly when to bail, when it looks like you will expect too much from them or potentially call their wife or get them in trouble with work etc.

so you should really look back on your 'relationship' with him and ask yourself, what about it really had to do with real love or even friendship? this was more likely just a married man hooking you into a flirtation, then dumping you quickly when it looked like he wasn't going to get sex or he was afraid that you would take it too seriously (you obviously did) and that it might lead to trouble for him (and you), which it also did...

so you need to STOP right now and do devote yourself to repairing any damage you see has been done to your job because you have been obsessing about him, and throw yourself into doing your job well. also keep in mind that you have sent him tons of email that he could use against you if he feels threatened, by saying that you are obsessed with him or won't leave him alone or threatened him... and like all married men who cheat, he will deny, deny, deny that he is to blame for anything at all, including leading you on or stirring you up... cheaters have no character, so certainly don't expect him to stand up for you or help you in times of need or even defend your poor performance at work, because his goal is to protect himself, and will most likely say and do anything to take the heat off himself... he's already proved he's totally selfish by pursuing an extramarital affair to begin with...

and be happy and proud that you didn't get involved with him more than you did, because philanderers are NOT about kindness or love or caring, they are about selfishness and immaturity and don't care that they are injuring multiple people to get their jollies off, including you or his wife. from what you have told us, this man probably does this more often than you know, and uses the same lines on every woman... he most likely has moved on to his next flirtation, and i suggest you recognize this guy was not special in any way, just a cheater who would cheat on you and anyone who got between him and his latest fleeting desire...

i know of what i speak, because i had a married man i worked with who i was very fond of as a friend, but who tried to lure me into a sexual relationship with him, but i told him very openly that i don't do that because it hurts so many people. and i discovered a few years later that he had been cheating on his wife with *multiple* people, including getting one of these women pregnant with his child, and the exposure of this ultimately led to the downfall of his marriage. and needless to say, he did NOT marry the woman who broke up his marriage after she got pregnant, and she is raising that child by herself now.

so men who try to cheat usually keep right on trying, and do so as often and as frequently as possible, and no one woman is special to them, since they are really trolling just for sex, not true love.

so this situation may not have been what it seemed, and please try to continue to look at it with open eyes and resist any temptation to have anything to do with this guy at all, he is not worth the havoc it wreaks on your life or emotions... you have lots of depth and a lot of heart to give someone, just give it to someone who deserves it and don't waste one more second thinking about this jerk...

you need to take care of yourself emotionally, see a counselor to talk about it if you can't stop thinking about it, and devote yourself to friends who really can be there for you, all the time, unlike a cheating married man. if you feel you can't rectify the damage that has already happened at work, start looking for another job immediately, and don't look back at this other than as an experience why it is NEVER a good idea to even flirt with a married man.

there is an old saying they used to put on maps of the world for territories at the edge of the world, which was a warning that said, 'Beyond here lies monsters....' Honestly, flirting with married men always carries that warning, because most of these cheaters are indeed monsters who gobble up women's hearts and emotions while selfishly pursuing sex and flirtations to stroke their egos... this guy is just one of those jerks, and will most likely get his come uppance when his WIFE recognizes his true character and throws him out... so courage, my dear, if you swim out of his realm and back to safe territory, no more monsters!

BeStrongBeHappy, thank you for taking the time to right such a long and thoughtful post. i read every word carefully.

although what i found out had nothing to do with him and another woman, it did reveal just how easily this man can lie. of course i knew before he must have been lying on a daily basis to his wife when we were invloved with emails etc... the thought of him lying to ME - that pissed me right off. call me selfish, but thats how i felt and really brought the reality of the situation home. i can do so so so so much better! and now i know it. i am beautiful, kind, young etc.... yes i am boasting, but i know i am all these things.... why the hell am i hung up on a man that is a low-life???? he must be miserable inside.... and to top it of he is probably living in fear, just by wondering what i am capable of!!!! hahahaha. let him rot!

i am moving on to better things.... and when the right, SINGLE man comes my way, i will give him everything, remembering to be cautious and look after myself at the same time. this was an experience. i am a rounder person because of it - i have learnt valuable lessons, and from some angles it was an adventure - yes it was painful, but hey... i'm still standing!

Hello Again Female.

I had to play catchup for the last few days because I have been so busy with work. I quickly read what you posted and the responses to some of your actions. Please let me say one thing. I was in the same situation that you are in but mine lasted over 2 years. I thought that it recently ended after he refused to speak to me for almost 6 weeks. I told you that the last time I saw him was for me to tell him that I was going to take a step back and concentrate on other things I was dealing with in my life. He asked me to not step back to far. Later that night I drove an hour and half one way to see him and tell him that altho I cared about him...we needed space...Out of the blue he pulled me aside and told me that he was leaving his wife and that I was going to be part of his life soon...I was shocked and said Nothing. Well..I was hooked again...Strange thing was after that night he called me a week later...then stopped calling all together...I was like you..Mixed bag of emotions...Why? Frustrated at the silence...Hurt...Angry...Missing him..Hating him...This man had told me from day one that he was "separated" until the night that his wife got my # off his phone and called me...Asking me if I knew him and that she thought he was having an "Affair".

I confronted him and he told me that he didnt want to be with her..and knew I wouldnt be with him if he told me that he was married. He asked me to "Wait"...Well honey...that was a year and half ago.

So bringing everything up to present. He is talking to me again via Instant Message...Asked me to call him once..first time in 8 weeks. Keep in mind this man called me 10 times a day...Told me that he wants to be with me again...but that his life is so f'ed up that he doesnt want to drag me down with him...I have caught him in alot of LIES, but didnt want to hurt his feelings confronting him about them.

Wanna know how I feel now about this man...It sickens me...How can you expect a man to be honest with you when he cant even be honest with his WIFE!...I made a promise to this person that I would never call him wife about what has happened between us. Its not my place to do that. I talked to my Mom about this last night and I have NO RIGHT telling his wife anything. I said that I feel sorry for her, and my Moms response...Keep in mind that she is not accepting of my actions...But she told me that I only feel sorry for her now because I was feeling sorry for MYSELF...If I gave a damn about her feelings I would have walked away long time ago. You know hes married and that he is a cheater...Hes going to end up hanging himself in the end...So take a step back and let that happen. Because someone once told me that if I threatened him...He would react like a trap animal and who knows what would happen...

I think that you are obsessing and that you really need to stop.

I wish you luck from a person who has been there and lost 2 years of her life, to a game of a married man.

Best Of Luck

hi gumdrops

its nice to hear from you again. but i was sad to read ur post. i think in many ways we are the stupid ones... we fall for it, everytime. if we are stupid, they are just plain selfish, greedy etc. i must say, i really dont like the sound of ur married man. i wish you had the strength to tell him to go to hell and mean it.

in the last few days (and i hope it lasts) may attitude has changed somewhat. i am quite a simple person, and i really respect for people to be genuine. this is why, when my married man told me of his feelings, i had no doubts... i believed every word, every fact he told me. and i kept all these spoken words very close to my heart, re-living them over and over again because it felt so good.

but i found out that a few things he told me were lies... and that's a BIG thing to me. and what it has done is change that perfect picture i have had in my head these last 2 months. and now that that picture, that love story, that romance has been splashed with some realities, well my feelings have changed a lot. now i am actually determined to get on with things, keep my mind busy, meet new people and open my mind to the world that is out there rather than worrying about this guy. i still have anxieties about him, sure. i mean i really stuffed up by threatening him and i am sooooooo sure that even if he did feel anything for me, that has gone. but good. what was the alternative? that i keep hoping? not being able to get on with my life? waste precious time that i can never get back? no!!! its not worth it, he's not worth it. i am worth more.

and as for NC?????? ha ha. i'm not even counting the days anymore. cos im not playing this game anymore. im MOVING ON. and that means no more worrying, obssessing, counting days without him or any other activities of the sort. im going to do this. for myself.

Hey there Female....I have been following your thread. I'm glad to read that you are moving on with your life. Things like this sometimes changes us. Be good to yourself. You deserve all the happiness and love life can offer. And it's better to have it when it's real and true and your able to share it with the whole world!

WOW...Wanna know what struck me the most at what you just said...You arent counting the days without contact anymore...Good Girl...I got the impression that you are in your early to mid 20's. I just turned 40 and I wanted you to know something about me before this man. I met my "husband" when I was a child of 18. We dated for 7 years...attended a Major University in the US and then got married, and had 2 very well adjusted ..intelligent children..He is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I lost my Dad to cancer just over 4 years ago. My Mom made me the proxy and for almost 3 years, my life was dedicated to him LIVING. In a way I feel like I have failed her and my Dad...Thats what forced me into the arms of another man..Dont feel sad for me...I know that this man loved me and when I said lies...It wasnt in how I felt about his feelings...I think that we both got stuck in loving 2 people..and in all reality..that can never be for anyone...Will I ever see him again...I think that I will..but like I told him..the obsession isnt there anymore...I almost jeopordized my career and life over all of this...Please believe that altho you may think that he "care" about you..Im sure that he did...but not in the way that you cared about him..Like spoken by man intelligent people in this forum..Actions speak so much more that a spoken word...Just remember that we can all tell you to "Move On" but its going to take you not giving a damn what he thinks that is going to let you truly make that step...Talk to me anytime that you feel down..because its going to happen..just be prepared..Good luck Hun!

Hey Sweetie!!! How are you doing???

He played with you. He didn't intend to really play around (that much). He's a toad to his wife and a toad to you. Please, get over him! Whilst he craves some excitement, I would be prone to let him see how exciting my life was if I was in your shoes.

You have something he CANNOT have. Go party, girl!

hey guys

im doing okay. i am doing my best to committing myself to getting over this jerk. and that means acting like he never existed. and its easy as he does not work in the same site as me anymore. thank god for that.

and also i have come to the realisation that this is more about me than it is him. like bethany once said, its my feeling and i need to control it. i just want to get on with life to be honest. and plus, he is not the 'god' i had him down in my head as. i think coming to the reality that he is not perfect really helped.

i have also stopped blaming myself for little things and stopped looking over the past and wishing i could change it. part of the desperation was wishing i could go back and change things which now i dont do anymore and that halves the obssession over contacting him again.

and yes i have stopped counting the days, as i dont want this to be temporary, i want it to be forever. i should have woken up a long time ago.

Sorry this thread is old, but I found it and it's the reason why I joined. Two reasons A)Because I can relate to the original poster and B)BeStrongBeHappy, post!

BeStrongBeHappy - I have been searching for a while why MM was nice one minute and ignoring me and hostile the next...I could not understand what I had done, I blamed myself.

MM reeled me in with calls, texts, hugs...I didn't enjoy the hug and you could tell, the calls and texts was because he was my professional helper, (I was homeless)

Never wore a ring, never said he was married..

Even though I did not give back the hug, he still helped after he was no longer supporting me. All against his work rules. It wasn't until he hugged me again and I did give the hug back this time, that he turned cold on me.

Could I hell as understand it...I was angry, I felt betrayed. I gave him a few harsh text messages and e-mails....

Now I'm being told by the company he works for I read it all wrong, and to stay the hell away from him! Each time they reply to say backoff, makes me feel more angry because I was a victim.

I can seriously relate to the original poster's feelings. (Big hug)

I wasn't so harsh on the e-mails, once every six weeks if that, I'm proud I never told him how I feel towards him, (I did fall for him, still do have feelings). I kick myself everytime I e-mail or text him, not to tell him I have feelings, to tell him he was wrong in his job. But boy do I feel crap after doing just that!

I pined for him bad, but each day is getting easier, you need a focus. Think of something you really enjoy and put your heart into it.

Blizzard x