Do all guys do this?

Hello lovely people.

Anyone who has read my other post will know that I've been having a lot of problems with the guy I am currently with. We've had many ups and downs for about 2 months but we've been much better for the past few weeks. However, recently something has come up that has irked me.

Due to the long-distance, we have resorted to many phone conversations and also talking on IM. When we do see each other it is usually only for about 2 days (1 night). I will just list some things he does that are really quite annoying:

1. When we go out to bars and lounges, he feels the need to tell me how 'hot' he thinks a girl is. He has even pointed them out and said 'Her * * * is so hot in that skirt'. He then proceeded to tell me why that skirt is hot and how, if I get the side view-it's even more hot. When I get tense and 'Huuh? I don't care.' He tells me to calm down and 'Don't worry, I only want you.'

Okay, fair enough but keep in mind that I have just travelled 4 hours just to see him and when I get there, he does that! I pretend to be semi-ok with this on the outside because I don't want him to think I'm being irrationally jealous. I even sometimes agree 'Yeah, she's really pretty'. Of-course I can appreciate a gorgeous woman but there are limits. He chuckles when he sees me like this. As though, he wants me to feel jealous or threatenned or something.

2. I remember when we were watching a movie and these two gorgeous girls appeared on the screen for a few seconds; he looked like he was going to explode from the sheer sexiness. Again, I understand this and am not upset by this fact. But it does irk me when he repeatedly refers to them and says 'They're perfect. I love those two. They're going to be my wives.'

I tried to make light of it and said 'Oh, you love everybody'. To which he strangely replied: 'Well, not everybody. I don't love you'.

At that point, I turned into one of those people I hate: The Jealous Girl. I said 'Okay. Fine. Goodnight.'

Yes, I had a short fuse that time. I admit that it's too early to be saying 'I love you' but still found his bluntness just rude. I was not searching for an 'I love you' and even if he didn't mean it like that, who says things like 'I DON'T love you?'

Of-course after that, he said 'Oh, don't be like that'.

I said 'I'm fine. But that was rude. You can't just say that.'

He always thinks that I am fishing for an 'I love you'. Ridiculous. He always tries to backtrack and patch things up, replying with a 'You know I'm kidding....'

And before everyone tells me to 'get over it' because he was 'kidding'-no, I know this guy. He's not kidding. He's trying to band-aid it for now.

3. When we are not physically together we talk via IM as we work a lot at our computers. I don't understand why he needs to send me pictures of girls in bikinis and then says 'You should get something like that. It's hot'. I told him 'I don't want you to send me girl pictures' and I never accept the file. I just don't understand why he would want to show me these things. I really really don't understand it. I don't care that he has these pictures, he can go for his life. He's a young guy, I imagine most guys have girlie pictures somewhere BUT, it's annoying when he tries to send them to me.

Do all guys do this? And what on earth does it mean? That he'd rather I look like the girls in the pictures and the hot ones he points out? Or is he hinting at something I'm not quite getting? Is it to keep me on my toes?

ps. Oh dear. That was long. Sorry guys! Thanks for reading and any replies.

Hey there,

No, not all guys do what you described. A guy whom is not into you do that. He is not that into you I am afraid. No person whom is totally into the other would gawk at others and make comments, especially after all the trouble you took to see him. He should be starring at your hiney and telling you how hot YOU look.

I did read your other post and this guy is just dinking around. He knows how you feel, what you want and that you will wait for him. That gives him insentive to do what ever he wants. True, he may come and see you from time to time but when it is convienent for him, not for the relationship. Any man or anyone for that matter whom tells you not to get attached, not to fall in love or tells you how you should feel, is not worth being with.

I am sorry my post is not encouraging but this guy has clearly stated and his actions as well that he is not into you. You deserve more. I would stop waiting around for him to get his act together because there is a very slim chance that will happen. Take care.

(((hugs)))

Why, oh why do girls go out with jerks, endure oodles of trouble and then wonder why there are apparently no nice guys left? DUH, Is it because they've always been passing over the nice guys around them?

Here's my advice. Go and date a REAL MAN and then figure out if all guys do it. Don't date immature losers.

I'm really at a loss to figure out why you're still with him.

I tried to make light of it and said 'Oh, you love everybody'. To which he strangely replied: 'Well, not everybody. I don't love you'.

um... yeah, I agree with kellbell. Above is a really good example of how he is not good to you. Yeah, he could have laughed it off like, "I think you are still way hotter than those girls on TV," or "you're the girl I want to be with." Instead, he chose to say that he doesn't love you

I'd be out the door too.

forget him. he is a waste of your time. you deserve someone who is into you. this guy certainly isn't

Thank You for your replies. I appreciate your honesty!

Kellbell:

I am not defending him here. Just stating fact: he does tell me he thinks I am hot/beautiful/sexy (ect) and that he wants to go home with me. But it is true that he also occasionally talks about other girls in the way I wrote about above.

I guess I never saw this an as an convienience thing for him. Thank you for bringing that up.

I think you are right. I just haven't had the courage/time to end it yet.

New_Horizons

Why am I still with him?

I confess, it is because I think he will 'get his act together' (as Kellman) said. But I see that perhaps after 2 months I should take the hint that he's not planning to do this any time soon.

It's just hard to walk away. Especially when the physical aspect of our relationship is amazing. I guess that's why I'm still hanging around as well. I know it will wear off eventually....hopefully.

Annie24

Yes, it's true. He could have said something else. There are time where he can just be really sweet. He will say things like 'It's you. It's always been you, I think you know that.' I tell him I don't know because he never tells me. He says sorry, 'but I still mean it'. He just confuses me. The sweet-talk is becoming less of a redeeming factor nowdays.

Oh geez, the truth bites.

let's step outside the situation for a second.

let's say that your best friend wrote this post about the guy she was seeing. what would you tell her?

He does not respect you if he says things like that. You deserve better

He does not respect you if he says things like that. You deserve better

yup. that's right. I would agree with that.

what would you tell her to do?

You sound way too good for this idiot. I think it's big of you to try to downplay his comments like they don't bother you. Is he a perv??

Easier said than done, I know, but it does sound like he should be history. He sounds like he needs to be with either someone bisexual or just plain trashy who would accept that kind of behavior/treatment.

Best of luck finding a good one! They're hard to find, but they are out there.

let's step outside the situation for a second.

 

let's say that your best friend wrote this post about the guy she was seeing. what would you tell her?

Oh, now you've got me.

I guess I would ask; "Why are you with him?"

I would say that his words and actions don't match. And that he doesn't respect or value her (even though he says he does). I would probably tell her that she could do and deserves better.

As a side note: part of me thinks I can't do better. And even though I know it's not true, I often feel that he's the one 'out of my league'. I know it sounds stupid and I wish I was smarter when it comes to this sort of thing.

anna_k

Most men would never pull that tacky behavior. I had a friend for 40 years who started doing that in front of his wife and I never spoke to him again.

Your guy needs a wake-up call. His act will wear thinner as time goes by. He's walking on you.

Anna, have you heard this quote?

"Women enter marriage hoping their husband will change but he never does. Men enter marriage hoping their wife will never change, but she does".

It's why nice men, REAL men are so fed up of the mistakes young women make. When you date someone who is a jerk, you just proclaim to the world that it's all you're worth.

The world would be a better place if women dated their best male friends. Unfortunately that never happens.

You sound way too good for this idiot. I think it's big of you to try to downplay his comments like they don't bother you. Is he a perv??

No, I don't believe he is. He likes hot women and he has pictures of them but nothing out of the ordinary for a young guy. In the past he has had stable, long-term (2 or 3 years) relationships and either they accepted his behaviour or he never did this with them.

When I don't accept his behaviour he tells me to 'Calm down, don't take things so seriously'. Oh-course, there's nothing that makes a person less likely to calm down than the words 'Calm down'. He bascially thinks I over-react to everything. I don't think this is true all of the time and I am very good at not showing it in public and letting it go. I do tell him when I think something he does is disrespectful. He says sorry but as I said, sometimes he means it, other times it's just a band-aid.

No, I don't believe he is. He likes hot women and he has pictures of them but nothing out of the ordinary for a young guy.

Errr...it IS out of the ordinary. Like I said, date a nice guy and see if he does the same thing. Most of us don't. Sure we do appreciate physical beauty in other women but we don't make comparisions or dwell on them.

Anna, have you heard this quote?

 

"Women enter marriage hoping their husband will change but he never does. Men enter marriage hoping their wife will never change, but she does".

 

It's why nice men, REAL men are so fed up of the mistakes young women make. When you date someone who is a jerk, you just proclaim to the world that it's all you're worth.

 

The world would be a better place if women dated their best male friends. Unfortunately that never happens.

YES! I have heard that quote. I guess the thing that hurts me the most is how he was nice and decent to the girls before me but that I don't seem to be worth the effort. I don't want him to fundamentally change, just respect and value me and my feelings. Does that count as hoping for change? I usually think of change as changing morals/habits/preferences/goals.

Oh...on second thoughts, maybe that is asking for a big change.

Well, I know I am worth more. But I just don't seem to be attracting that type unfortunately. I will have to be vigilant in the future.

And yes, my best male friend is lovely. I would never expect this sort of behaviour from him.

In reply to your other post: I thought it was normal for guys to have pictures and compare? He's your age btw.

I would say that what this guy is doing is NOT normal guy behavior. At least, not one of a guy who is crazy about his gf. Now, maybe if he is out at the bar with his buddies, he may leer and make some comments about some women, but when he is with you, alone, watching TV, no guy worth anything would EVER say that to a woman he was into.

It really is super tacky, like dako said.

I know that i have NEVER had a guy say something like that to me, and I know that I've dated some real jerks! I don't think any of them would have even pulled that stunt.

i think once you date a good guy who respects you, you'll see how out of line this guy's behavior is. you'll wonder why you ever tolerated being stepped on.

When you date someone who is a jerk, you just proclaim to the world that it's all you're worth.

This is definitely food for though...

I know that I have date more than my share of jerks, and it's not fun at all. I guess you really are saying to the world that 'this is the best I can do.'

yikes!

I am over jerks now though.....

Well, I know I am worth more. But I just don't seem to be attracting that type unfortunately.

I often read how women are so unhappy with who they attract.

What about the guys you are attracted to?

anna_k

Most men would never pull that tacky behavior. I had a friend for 40 years who started doing that in front of his wife and I never spoke to him again.

Your guy needs a wake-up call. His act will wear thinner as time goes by. He's walking on you.

Well, that is good to know!

As we have not been seeing each other for a very long time, I guess I did turn a blind eye to it initially.

If he was my husband, there's no way I would put up with it but for some reason, the sheer fact that we're still 'new' and young seems to make it easier for me to excuse him.

And yes, my best male friend is lovely. I would never expect this sort of behaviour from him.

 

In reply to your other post: I thought it was normal for guys to have pictures and compare? He's your age btw.

So why don't you date him? Is it because he's not interested? Or is it more than that? There are millions of guys who would love to get an answer to this question.

And no, it's not normal to compare, in front of your girlfriend, like Annie said. Perhaps we do in our minds, but what we think is our own business . I would never compare my girlfriend to any other woman, not even the hottest actress in the world. I would expect the same decency from her too. At the most I might say something like "Hey, you'd look really cute in that outfit she's wearing!"

Thing is.... if a relationship is "new" he would be on his best behaviour. Simply because people want to look their best to their new attractions. If this is how he behaves in the beginning of a relationship, you might have to consider that he will get worse, not better, later on. Drooling over pictures at the movies might progress to cheating. Showing you pictures of women and asking you to wear a bikini may progress to him putting you down because you don't look like an air-brushed model. The fact that he seems to be trying make you insecure is a major red flag.

1 - He is trying to make you feel self-conscious by showing pictures of women all the time, despite the fact you told him to stop.

2 - He says he doesn't love you.

3 - He puts down your thoughts and feelings by telling you that you're overreacting/being stuckup, etc instead of listening and RESPECTING you.

You deserve better than this jerk.

I would never compare my girlfriend to any other woman, not even the hottest actress in the world. I would expect the same decency from her too. At the most I might say something like "Hey, you'd look really cute in that outfit she's wearing!"

I just got the image of Anna-k sending HIM pictures of Fabio, Brad Pitt, Dr. McDreamy, etc....

I often read how women are so unhappy with who they attract.

What about the guys you are attracted to?

Yes. I have thought about that. I confess that I am attracted to the rebellious ones. Often the ones I "can't have" and then, yes, I do wonder why they don't like me later. Oh god, epiphany.

I don't think I've ever dated a real, decent and normal guy.

I'm scared I'm going to get bored with them because there was one bf who was the most decent of the lot and he was terribly clingy and made me feel married. I seem to date extremes: either too clingy or too blase.

I just got the image of Anna-k sending HIM pictures of Fabio, Brad Pitt, Dr. McDreamy, etc....

 

LOL - I would send him photos of Jack from LOST!

 

yeah, I am sorry to burst your theory anna, but in the early stages of dating, people really are on their best behavior...

 

which means it's all downhill from here.....

So why don't you date him? Is it because he's not interested? Or is it more than that? There are millions of guys who would love to get an answer to this question.

I've known him for too long, we have seen each other at our worst, we know too many gross details and really, it sounds like a perfect dating situation.

However, we're just not attracted to each other in that way. I really believe that it is due to the lack of pressure (to date, be on one's best behaviour, romantic, out-to-impress) and pretence that we are able to have such a great relationship. This is not to say we do not respect each other or make effort, simply that 'It's just us'. We're cool and we understand that our company is the most important thing. It's very relaxing and comforting.

I guess this is how it should ultimately be with a bf or husband but I should stop now, because I clearly don't know much about this.

At the most I might say something like "Hey, you'd look really cute in that outfit she's wearing!"

 

He says that a lot too. It's often the reason he shows me the pictures. Still, it doesn't explain the bar incident.