"Like Houdini, she is gone again..lol, leaving me hurt once again"!!!!!

Hello Everyone-

First off I would like to say that this might be a somewhat long post, but hopefully you will take the time to read, bc right now I need so much help. Thank you in advance....

In June 2004 my ex gf from almost a one year long distance relationship, broke up with me. We had a very good relatioonship for the most part and we did things together that was a first for both of us in a relationship. She was 22 at the time and I was 24. We went on many trips, I met all of her extended family from her hometown, she met mine, and we shared many great memories. However as my love for her grew stronger and stronger, my insecurities grew as well. I always thought that while I was here, she was going meet someone better. Someone that lived close to her, someone better than me. She spent so much time reassuring me that she loved me, it started to take a toll ton the relationship. I will never forget the day she ended it she said "nomatter how much I tried to show you, it was never enough for you. You just couldnt accept the fact that i loved you and wanted to be with you".

Needless to say that I was heartbroken like never before. I knew that I screwed up this great relationship and I had a hardtime forgiving myself. i used to pray that if God had any room on his plate, to let me get back with her. We had minimal contact for almost a year and half. In that time she dated a guy and I went on several dates but nothing panned out, I was still inlove with her. The memories were there, but the pain was not nearly as bad. Back in Dec. 2004 she called mee and left a long message asking about me, my work, family, etc.. I called her back the next day and I guess at the time her bf picked up the phone and was so rude to me. It hurt like hell but i got over it. I recently moved and in Feb 2005, I got a card from her out of the blue. It basically said that she missed me and realized no more than ever what a great guy i was and how much I meant to her. I was so sad to read it but it was the first time in almost a year that I thought god might have answered my prayer.

After I received the letter, I waited and waithed for her to call me. The call never came. Last September I was sitting at home watching tv when my phone rang out of the blue. It was her and it was amazing we fell back into place like we never missed a beat. She was calling me everyday, everynight. She sent me a dvd series of the sopranos that we always used to watch together, she sent me cards, gifts, etc.. It was amazing. In November 2005, i flew out to see her. I was so nervour but yet she made me feel so comfortable when I got there. The first days were great and I was just taking things slow. After about the 4th day, I lost it. I told her how I still felt and was wondering why she had me come out there if she had no feelings for me or wanted to try again. We talked awhile, cried and held each other. She said that she didnt wanna be in a reealtionship with anyone and that she was sorry from the bottom of her heart if she lead me on.

Needless to say I returned home on that gloomy November day so sad and heartbroken all over again. When I returned I tried calling her but she ignored my calls. Finally she called me back and was very mean. She told me that i needed to forget about her and move on with my life and find myslef a nice girl. To stop comparing other girls to her and forget about her. It hurt so bad my friends that I didnt know what to do. Well I went on with my life and tried my best to forget about her, it was hard, but I tried.

We had very minimal conatct from then until about three months ago. A few text here and there but that was it. Well back in March she conatcted me again. I didnt call her back for awhile but eventually I broke down. We started the same cycle over and over again, except this time it felt different. She was acting different. I remember one night she said that she loved me, i was speechless so i just said goodnite. She was sending my cards and this emails that were rather shocking. Shocking i mean they were weird to get coming from an ex gf. She talked about a future together and get married. She said how she could see herself moving close to me one day. She talked how her family always says "im her future husband". Basically I was getting sucked in again. She convinced me to come out and visit. With no support from my friends or family, i went. I had to see for myslef if it was the real thing this time around.

Once i was there things were great. she showered me with gifts when I got there and for the first time in almost two years we kissed and held each other. It was amazing. Tears are forming right now as I think about that night. The trip was great but yet I didnt solve any questions I had. What are we doing? Do you want to be with me or not? I came back home last month and I felt great. It was so much better than the first trip but I still was unsure were we stood with each. We kept in conatct each day until about a week ago. Then she just disappeared. We got in a little argument on Friday bc I was a * * * * * on her to the phone. She was being very sweet and caring but I was going through some family problems and was short with her. She said that i be a grump and a a-hole and hung up. I havnt heard from her since.

We have all these plans that we made to do things and no i guess its all over. maybe she met someone, but atleast tell me something. She just disappeared. She has done this type of thing before so im not shocked. She goes away for about a week or two then comes back and starts calling.

I am so hurt right now and the anxiety of a broken heart is so strong. im tryiong to move on and im doing NC. I just wanna know if you all feel that this might be a issue that she has with herself? I mean she comes from a broken family and stuff? Please help me everyone and tell me what might be going on?

Sorry my friends here at enotalone for this being so long but if you can shed some light and help me, please please do. I nedd it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bump-bump-bump

Bro. It sounds to me like she is playing with your heart. She sounds like a basket case. This has went on for 2 years? Next time she calls, tell her flat out "Either be with me, or leave me alone".

Don't let her keep on pulling you back. She is doing it, because she knows next time things go crappy in her life she can always come back to you. Don't sell yourself short for this girl. Give your attention to women who will truly appreciate it.

Good luck my man.

joeg-

Thank u for yoru reply. You are right and she is playing with my heart. Thanks man, i guess i know now what I need to do.

7out102,

I echo the thoughts of joeG.

I feel for you man, having been through something similar.

I think she's got a lot going on in her life that she's not telling

you about. The disappearances are suspicious. The getting close

then using any little excuse to pull away is suspicious.

I also have a theory that might explain her hot-cold attitude to you.

Is it possible she is suffering from borderline personality disorder?

It was recently suggested to me by a pychologist that my wife, who has been very similar in some ways to your girlfriend, is suffering from 'borderline personality disorder' and it explains a lot.

It's a disorder characterised by the suffer swinging between idealising a

person and denigrating them based on their last encounter with that person.

Do you know if she's ever harmed herself? (cutting, etc?)

Self-harm is part of the Borderline personality disorder profile also.

(This was the clincher for me re my wife having the disorder.)

If this rings true, google it. Go to link removed and type 'borderline personality disorder.'

Good luck!

Ozomega-

Thank u my brother for taking the time not only to read that long story but also replying as well. You know its funny you say this bc I was beginning to think that maybe she does have some type of emotional problems. i am pretty sure that she has never tried to harm herself. She also seemed to me that she is a very happy girl. I just cant understand how you do the things and say the things that she does and not mean any of it. Her upbringing has not been the smoothest. Her mom has remarried three times, she has moved all over the United States. Her dad used to have a drinking problem and she use to tell me how hard it was on her. All that plus other issues i do feel have some effect on her to some degree.

Its funnhy because this time she promised me that she would not disappear again. I told her how hard it was for me last time and that i could not go through it again. I mean we had this plans for December and she just disappears without saying much at all. I have already taken my days off work and paid for my plane ticket. It just sucks...

Right now i am going through a very tough time. My grandmother is very sick and I am very very close to her. I have been spending everyday with her by her bedside and taking care of my grampa as well. My ex knows about all this. Last time we spoke was a week ago and I told her what was going on. It hurts so so bad that she has not even called or texted me to say see how my grandma is or how im doing. That to me doesnt make any sense at all. I have had all my ex's call me, all my friends, etc.... I keep thinking that in teh last two weeks she met a new guy and thats why she doesnt care anymore. But still how hard is it to pick up the phone. I am sure she iss not with him 24/7. I guess that shows that she does not even care about me at all. She sure made me believe it though.

Whats your story my man? Did your wife do the same things? Did she meet someone new and thats why she disappeared? Anyways thanks again for your help my brother, I appreciate it.

I'm going through such a similar thing to you right now and it's hurting me so much.

My ex (LDR aswell) broke up with me saying he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship. I initiated NC and then a few months later he initiated contact and we spoke like nothing has changed between us, he told me he made a mistake and missed me and asked me to fly to see him and when I did he tried to kiss me and i said no not until we talk but he said he still didn't know what he wanted.

So I started NC again, he broke it again just talking like we were still together then nothing for another 2 months and over the last few weeks he has being doing the same again. This time he's even sending kisses at the end of his messages and asked if I'll be near his town anytime soon, I said I would be in the next month or so and he said it would be great to meet up.

He's seen a photo of me and another guy on myspace and I think that's gotten to him because I've sent him 2 txt msgs and he hasn't anwered any of them or else he's just backing off again. I really don't know now if I should contact him when I'm in his neighbourhood now or not

Hey Everybody-

Thank you for all those that took the time to read my thread and respond to it, it truly means alot..

Ellee2006-

I know that I need to move on. I am really trying my best. It is just so hard. I dont understand why she does this to me. She knows that it hurts me so bad and yet she promised (pinky swore..lol. That was a big one for us, that she would not do this again) We madee all these plans to do stuff in December. I bought the tickets to the play she wanted to see and got my plane ticket. I would be hurt regardless, but if she would just call and let tell me whatever is going on that would mean so much. I think that she has some deep-seated emotional issues that maybe I dont know about. You might have read that my grandma is very sick. She knows how close I am to my nana and she met her several times. She has not even called to see how she is doing. I would be happy with a text. Explain that to me? Im sorry that your LDR relationship didnt work out for you. I guess in the perfect world it always works out. I guess there is a better plan for us out there.

Usababe

It sounds like yoru ex and mine are very similiar in many ways with the leading on and the dissapering acts. She has done this once before, however this time truly felt different in so many ways. She would tell me she loves me and wants to be with me. We planned our trip in December. Im starting to feel that she wanted to have me do all those nice things for her so she knows that atleast she has one guy that loves her still. I also feel that maybe she had me send her flowers to her work and come and see her to make some guy jealous, i just dont know. I am hurting so much right now. Its tough bc all my family and close friends all kinda told me in advance that they could see me getting hurt again. So you can see why its hard for me to talk to them. I just wanna call her and ask her straight out why she did this to me again. I have never been mean to her or hurt her once in the almost four years that I have known her. Her parents always tell me and her sisters that I just have to be patient and that we will be together. Its funny because when I went to see her, her parents always made me feel that we were getting back together. Alls I want is a phone call from her, u know.

I kinda feel that maybe since I started to pull away a little when I came back from seeing her that she is doing the same. She started acting a little weird so I got all worked up thinking something was wrong. So i sent her the tickets to the play and told her that "im not sure if I can make it" I guess I was just trying to get a reaction from her. She has been the only one to call in the last two week but I just feel that she was pulling the same crap so I went into NC. However since she hasnt called since my nana has been sick I just got so hurt. Anways thanks again for your help, I need it so bad right now.

What happened with your situation and your ex? Do you still talk anymore?

Take care and thanks again....7out

We had a great relationship, we live in 2 different countries though so it's pretty difficult only an hour by plane and I go there quite often to visit relations anyway.

I met him on a night out, the thing is I wasn't even that attracted to him in the first place just thought it was a bit of fun but he was such a gentleman he told me the first day I met him that he wanted to go out with me, that possibility hadn't even entered my head. So it went really well we flew over and back to see eachother and everything was great. All my friends were saying he's so crazy about you next he'll be proposing to you, until I got THE phonecall one night saying he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship. I'm pretty sure I was his first gf but we never talked about that stuff which I'm sure was a factor in us breaking up.

I was so hurt but I had to go NC for my own pride I kept telling myself that he obviously doesn't want me so I planned on never speaking to him again until one day out of the blue I got a text from him, he told me he missed me and had been thinking about me and that he thinks he made a mistake but still doesn't know what he wants. This set me back so much because I really was convinced he'd just gone off me and I'd gotten used to being single again.

I flew all the way there "to see my relations" we met up and spoke for a while but we both had friends there so couldn't really talk about us, later he tried to kiss me but I said I can't until we talk about us, he said he was still unsure about a relationship but still really really likes me.

I was so upset went home and swore to stick to NC until again 2 months later he text and we had such a good conversation for about 4 hours which I ended saying I had to go - I was so proud of myself for that! hah!

Then nothing until another 2 months later (2 wks ago) I got a forward e-mail from him which I'm sure he was looking for me to reply and ask how he was etc but I resisted and over a week later he sent an e-mail asking how I was. I replied the next day and he was online at the time so we spoke for another 4 hours, a couple of days later I text him (I know I shouldn't have) to see if he was on myspace. He said no but he'd join when he got home we spoke for about 5 hours and he asked me if we could meet up when I'm in his neighbourhood next month. In the last text he sent he put a kiss at the end of it. Now he's not the type of guy who does that if you know what I mean so he's thinkin of us as more than friends but what?? So the next day I see he's joined myspace but I forgot my homepage pic is of me with this guy hugging me - just a friend- and I heard nothing from him after that so I don't know if he got upset by the pic or is just backing away from me again. I don't know now if I should contact when I'm there or not.

I think what they're doing to us is really selfish, I can't believe how common it seems to be. With my guy I really don't think there's anyone else involved I think he has some serious commitment issues because everytime we get close he pushes me away yet he doesn't seem to wanna let me go either. Do you think they realise how much they are hurting us? I actually told my guy the first time I went over that he was messing me around and it wasn't fair and he said he knows and he's so sorry it's just he's so confused about what he wants. Everyone in my life is warning me away from him too but I know I can't ignore him if he contacts me because as stupid as it sounds I feel like there is still something there and I've a feeling he doesn't get this close to many girls. When did you last hear from your ex? Does she talk about your relationship?

i dont even know if they realize the extent of what they are doing, like i said they do 180s and 360s, but when you do let go; and you should, then they will feel the hurt they caused do. its already planned out.

Usababe-

Its funny because our situations seem so very similiar in so many ways. I too made the trip twice in about a one year period to see if there was something there. I guess there isnt, I dont really know. This last trip out there we kissed and kissed the first night. I thought that everything was working out, I really did. Then after about the third day she starting backing away again, getting distant. I got home and ofcourse I felt terrible. I hurt so bad. We talked for maybe the first week and then she vanished again. We had the plans to go see that play in December that I spent alot of money on and already got my plane ticket as well. I sent her the tickets and told her to just go with somebody that she wants to go with. (maybe that was the wrong thing to do...) I have not really heard from her since. Not one call when my grandmother was sick to see how I was doing..NOTHING.

Before I went out there I got all those sweet texts too. The "I miss you", "I love you". She sent me cards and love letter emails. I guess it means nothing now and that really hurts.I just dont see how someone can write stuff like that and not mean any of it. It just hurts. I dont think that my ex has anyone else but I really dont know. Maybe our exe's dating is what it will take to get the point accross. Make them realize that they want to be with us, I dont know though.. However even if she was, she could atleast be honest with me and stop leading me on. Atleast call and tell me that our play wont work out and so im sorry, thats all that I would want.

What they are doing is very selfish. It doesnt make sense at all and it just is hurtfull.. Im sorry that you are going through the same thing in a way. Maybe they do have commitment issues. My ex has seen her mom married three times so maybe she is scared, I dont know. I was sitting at work today and started to think. Maybe my ex is scared because of the long distance. Maybe she is afraid to let her heart go. I truly believe that we would be together if we lived close to eachother but maybe thats far from the truth. A good friend of mine at work told me that she will never relaize what she has until she really knows it gone for good. I guess meaning that if im always there at her beckon call even after months and months of her ignoring, she's got by number. She will always know that im hers, you know?

Maybe we should try to move on usababe, maybe we should.. What do you think?

Im just taking one day at a time. i deal with the pain as it comes. I cry, i scream, I get mad. I sometimes just get in the car and drive and ask myself why this happened again, why my ex keeps hurting so bad. We will get through all this, I promise..hang in there..

bump..need some advice..Thanks my friends

I didnt read the whole thread.. just the first post. But its obvious to me that you still love her and are not over her. Its also obvious that she is playing games with you, or that she just does not know how she feels about you. She moves on, but then initiates contact, tells you she loves you, then moves on again. Thats not healthy for you. Every time you start to heal, you sit around watching tv, everything is fine and then she rips the bandages off of your heart again... only to break your heart again the next day.

I would send her a letter, handwritten telling her how you feel about her. Explain that you love her, and that you want to be with her. However if she does not have the same feelings, and the same goals (being with you, somewhere, somehow) that you do not want to hear from her anymore. You dont say this out of spite, or meanness but you simply cannot have half of what you want. Either you want her, or you want to be left alone by her. Not something in the middle.

Thats my opinion.

My situation is somewhat similar to your. LDR broke up a 7 months ago. I'm in the process of healing and it hurts to see someone like me in so much pain.

I also think my relationship will probably work if it was not LDR, but you never know....

I wrote such a letter to my ex 4 weeks ago. I havn't heard anything from him. i stoped counting the days. it's sad that he ignored, or maybe he doesn't know how to reply. but it sort of gives me my closure, knowing there is nothing else i could done to change the situation.

so maybe you should try that. Tell her you love her, and you want to work it out with her, but it hurts that she mislead you. Tell her to contact you once she decide, or you will leave her alone. Avoid dragging it too long (i know it's hard not too), try to be less emotional.