The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide

So I have been sitting and thinking about my break up ( where together for around 4 months ) and split now 2.5 weeks. I have found that I was the rebound guy to a somewhat of a mutual friend. He and I never really hung out but shared a friend group.

So we got together and completely hit it off and spent every single day together. I was amazing to her she saw it and completely fell for me. And i fell for her more than anything. So fast forward a couple months and i told one of her friends that we had been together and she completely flipped and dumped me. I begged and told her how she broke my heart for the first time etc, and we were together after a week. I see know that this is the step of taking me back out of pitty So we were good for about a week and then back to * * * * . 2.5 weeks ago she ditches me again because of the issues we had. Her friend tells me that she still cares about me but she is so concerned about her ex fighting out she dated one of his "friends" ( dudes a * * * * head and not really someone i considder a friend) and never talked to her again.

So in the past couple weeks a went back to what I knew would work adn started trying to use logic ( i treated you great, we can make this work, i showed you how to be treated ) etc. And she is being so cold and not moving at all. In the begnning of the breakup I was texting all day and crying etc... now its a coupld text every over day to a couple days.

Where I want the response is, just because she is being cold and not saying anything is she not even thinking about me?? We spent every day together, how can you just not think about something or somebody when it is consuming my how day....

I have a business to run and I cant keep thinking about this damn 4 month relationship with a 21 year girl..( im 25 ).... Ive been in a 5 years realtionship.. Breakup didnt bother me... 1.5 relationship, didnt bother me... this stupid 4 month relationship is killing me. What do I do besides do nothing and NC.

Bump - for you M !

Thanks for the replies everyone - and scruff, you're right to be livid mate - alot of it did come from you (even if you weren't aware of it at the time ).

 

hjc (or should I call you eagle eyes ). Thanks for that - fixed now, I couldn't have people following the 'guide' to the word and then throwing that back in my face, could I?

 

 

 

wow majord23 great thread very useful!!!...Would you please look at the thread I started and recommend any advice? Thanks.

Absolutely great thread,

I especially like the fact that it admits that the emotional phase in which you declare your undying love and ask for a second chance after a break-up, is normal. In a way it's part of the healing process as well. We are human beings, so if a loved one breaks up with us, we are emotional and sad, and we do show it to them. The golden rule however, is to do it to a certain extend and know your limits. You want to show your loved one that you are sad about the break-up and that it hurts you. You should do this, at least once, before you move on. However, when you start weeping and begging and stalking your ex, you are not showing them you are sad or hurt, you are showing them you are needy and weak, and that will not get you anywhere. And if it will not make you attractive at least, for sure you will loose a lot of respect from your ex as well. Maintaining your dignity is very important, as much for yourself and your self-esteem, as for how you want to be remembered by the person that left you. My GF broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I saw her once to talk things over, showed up at her work with flowers to tell her I loved her, wrote her a letter to express my feelings and sent her maybe 4 text messages. I know they tell a lot on these forums that those are things you shouldn't do, because they are counterproductive, and while that is probably true, at the time you need to do this, as you feel this urge to let her know you love her. If you would not have done this, you would've been thinking afterwards that you never really tried to let her know and that maybe she's doubting your feelings. So in a way, you have to do it, but on a reasonable scale. It will not change anything, but at least you went through that necessary phase. After having done that, my last message has been that she knows now how I feel, but that I respect her decision, and since, I have not contacted her again. I feel sad that she's gone, and i really miss her, but at the same time I'm proud of myself that I didn't beg, cry or pushed, and that I maintained my dignity. That's the main point I wanted to make: Yes, tell her you love her right after the breakup, ask for a second chance and show that you are hurt, but stop it before you're losing your dignity and she loses her respect for you. Declaring your love and showing that you're hurt will make her understand that you really did love her. Begging, crying and stalking her with mails and sms will make her think that you are needy, weak and pathetic.

I agree with this.

I have just spent the evening with my first proper ex from uni. Im 36 now so it was a while ago. She told me that when she broke up with the BF (after me) that he went away traveling for 7 weeks. He came back and knocked on her door with flowers. He told her he had time to gain perspective and wanted to be with her, loved her and was committed to making her happy and secure. She told me the only thing he messed up on was wanting a decision there and then otherwise that was that.

She told him to go away as on hindsight she was stubborn, proud and felt pressured. If he had just left the ball in her court, she says she would have resolved the break up.

She says to this day 10 years later that he was the best BF ever. He to a large extent gave her an ultimatum on the door step and forced her into a corner with the obvious defensive reaction of "no"

She cried tonight even after all this time. He was very black and white and moved right on. He is OK, married and has two kids now. His ex and mine previously, to this day wishes she had said yes but at the time felt pressured bit it was the worst decision of her life so far.

So I agree. After a cooling off period has past and you have gained perspective and really looked at the relationship, if you feel that this is the one then it is appropriate to show and tell them just that.

DONT ask for a instant answer, leave it with them let them soak it all in and I would give it 2 weeks and really realize its done - then move on TOTALLY.

Johnreed in my view rightly points out there is a massive difference between *begging crying and stalking* to a simple and powerful statement of *I would like to resolve the issues, I love you*.

This is the important bit.

Without any ultimatums or deadlines if they say no, then that is that. You move on. You can hold your head up high and be satisfied that you did everything you could and have no regrets in the future.

SO I've read the thread and taken the necessary steps to love me again I'm back out enjoying life but I still feel that I need that closure to let her know that I DO care but AM moving on. I think you guys/gals describe it perfectly about the breakup phase where you let them know you care but it's not out of desperation or neediness. So I've prepared a letter that I plan on dropping off today and I'd wish to hear what everyone thinks. Regarding the first lines, she just met with me 2 days ago to tell mr she was getting kicked out by her parents. Anyways thanks so much for any feedback ad more details can be found in my numerous threads

"Hey (her name) I just wanted to say i hope you're ok and got things squared away about having a place to stay.

* I just wanted to let you know that I * still care about you and I don't want you to ever feel like it's a bad idea to call me. . If you're ever truly in need of help and need someone my line is always open to you. *

That being said I think that this break up was a good thing and I'm glad it occurred as it brought attention to some traits that I need to work on to improve my future relationships and I've learned a lot as well as becoming the old me that I loved.

I think that further down the road it would definitely be enjoyable to take it slow and give things another shot but I think that we can both agree that now is not the best time. Whatever path you decide to take in life I wish nothing but the best for you and respect your decision"

bump for the new ones

bumping this since it's so good.

so hard to remember NC is for recovery and not for reconciliation.

Great thread, loads of good advice. Im feeling stronger already...

But can I ask a question - of Majord23 or anyone?

What if NC is imposible because you have to make decisions about selling the house or at least transferring the mortgage? I'd love to 'stall' these things in the hope he might come round before we have done anything really drastic like sell our lovely home? But in reality i don't think he will let me do that. If I go NC while he is wanting to sort these things out then it will just seem like I am being difficult. Is it okay to reply to contact if I just keep it to the practical stuff?

He says he wants to be friends and I said I did too... but reading this thread I realised I want to be friends with my husband because I want him back, I couldn't be friends if he ended up with someone else.

So I am thinking - get finances sorted... house, cars etc and then go NC in an attempt to heal me...

bump for the new year.

dont understand why she text me. we been together for four years. she texts me and i dont reply (she broke up with me 3 weeks ago). Then she calls me from a number i never seen before and i picked up. She sounded a lil upset and ask me if i am ignoring her. i said no. We sat on the phone for like another 3-4 mins and i said absolutely nothing to her. She said it seem like im ignoring her or it seem like she is bothering me. i told her i never said that. she got a lil mad and then said she getting off the phone cuz im not talking. mind you she text me last night and answered a question i asked her a few days ago. i asked her if she still love me. she said last night via text msg that she still has feelings for me but is not at the place to go back to how things where before. i said ok. then said i got to go now bye. and of course she got mad also.

I gave up trying to win her back. im not focusing on myself. I can only take control of my own life.

She sounds like she's not in the right mind-set and seems to get upset WAY too easily, newlove. Your best bet is to move on and take care of you.

If anyone can answer this, it be appreciated. My ex told me that he still loves me and never EVER mentioned that he wasn't "in-love" with me, though. I told him how can you say that with a straight face when he was with someone else. If you must know, he started dating my friend two days after the BU and immediately went into the "honeymoon stage" within days. I still kept contact before I had to return to school, but the times I spoke to him, he would still say he still loves me. However, he felt very distant, as if he's mentally trying to push me away.

My question is: What does it mean? For someone to say they still love you while being with someone else, but at the same time, expressing it at a "distance?" Is he lying just so I can feel better?

bump!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish i have seen this before! I'm currently in No contact again even though I told him i wanted to be friends.

question tho was that being selfish for mentioning what i want instead of saying can we be friends?

^^^^ IMO who cares if he thinks your being selfish for mentioning what you wanted...did he consider being selfish when he dumped you? That's how I feel about my ex and wanting to be friends after he dumped me. They can't have it both ways.

Well, what if it was the dumper who asked for NC?

I need to read this tonight.

A lot of great information here and definitely deserves a bump for people that haven't come accross it yet.

An article worth reading over and over.

Hi everyone,

I have been following this topic for a while now. And as of last Monday, I decided to follow the plan outlined here.

Don't know why I am responding, but currently I'm quite heart-wrenched and completely broken by the fact that me and my ex wife are no longer.

Have been together for 11 years, of which almost 6 married and 2 kids of 2 an 4 years.

When we started our relationship back in 2004 we Always had our quirrels, discussions etc. and over the 11 years that we have spent together there have been times when things were just great but we also had our bad moments. Nevertheless we alsways communicated and resolved issues, even though I have a temper in a verbal way when it comes to discussions. Well over the years I became more relax..we bought a house, got married, got kids....and we had some critical moments in our relation/marriage.

Everything seemed fine until 5 months ago. Found out in not such a nice way that she was having contact with someone else. I confronted het with this and after that everything moved forward quite quickly. First month we slept at friends, couch, seperately etc. And after that month she moved to her father with the kids.

Even though I was doing exactly all of the undignified things stated in this thread, I felt like this was my way of proving my love. I never give up easily. She pushed me away, NC a couple of weeks, had some fun time together..but the baseline is that I was keeping hope and I was fighting as hard as I could to convince her. At the same time in these 5 months she figured out that having a crush on someone who is married, also isn't going to work out (I assume that he made that clear to her).

But then again, all the pleading, begging, crying etc didn't help me

After 3 months the divorce process started, and we're currently in the middle of it. Monday she made me very clear that she doesn;t and will not reconcile...and that her decision is final In the past months I have been hearing all kinds of arguments for the break up. Not being involved with the family, working long days, my temper..each time a new argument has been thrown on the table by her. The final one I heard was that within our relationship everything was about me and she had to coop with that. Even though most of the issues are something that I have been actively working on, and which were addressable..the argument that everything is about me hurts most. Mainly because she meant the world to me and I showed my love in my own way. Always doing stuff in the house when she wanted changes in it, or showing my love by taking her on small holidays, dinners, etc.

I do believe that she "created" these arguments to make her decision acceptable to the outside world... but it still hurts.

All i wanted is to get her back in our live and have a loving an meaningful relationship with us and the kids... She does state that she sill loves me and cares a lot about me. I'm the father of her kids she says and we'll Always be in each others lifes, that I have my heart at the right place, that I'm a good person, etc....

Did I push her too much? Will she ever see back the positive sides of our relationship instead of all the negative things that happened mainly in the past 5 months? Will there be a turning point? Don't know....

What I do know is that I am following this guide for 3 days and it really hurts to cut her out of my life and think about myself for the upcoming period of time...I need to get myself back on the track, since investing all my energy and hopes in her made me very weak.

All thumbs up and advise is more then welcome...it's hard to go down this road, when everything I wanted is reconciliation

This threads pretty dead now huh? So much helpful info, anybody can go to my profile and see a thread I started about my situatuon, any input would be awesome. Thanks and good luck to anybody reading this.

Keep this ALIVE , great info

Great Post!!

Love this post...

I managed a solid 2 week NC with my ex, slowly implementing LC now. Okay, I texted once, she replied kindly, and I responded back in a way that didn't need a reply.

Good luck everyone...

Bumping this thread again. I came across this as it's been 4 months since my ex fiance dumped me in November as she said she lost feelings for me. I made all the mistakes of chasing and now she blocked me on WhatsApp. She had blocked me on Facebook but 3 weeks ago she unblocked me but I haven't messaged her on it. Is there any chance of getting her back or have I severed all chances of reconcile?. She even had different guys nearly every weekend after our relationship. She has made out I was controlive but I never stopped her from seeing anyone or guys etc. We had fights but what relationship doesn't?. Have I ruined something that could of been fixed earlier on or have I literally ruined it by chasing her for nearly 3 months. I've been in no contact now for 3 weeks nearly.