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The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide


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((((((((((((((Major, I'm livid ! )))))))))))))))))))))

 

Cant believe you have nicked all my ideas !!!! Ha- ha !

 

 

Well done mate. I like the way you have linked it to the *fundamentals* of getting back by illustrating and underlining this paradym by the most popular and highest rated threads on EnotAlone.

 

A long thread deserves a reasonable post from an advocate and a friend, so ...........

 

 

 

 

 

 

Members & Guests.

 

This way of thinking works. I am living proof , FACT. One way or another you get back together.

 

 

I have found that firstly, you get back together with yourself. I cannot stress this enough as any platform to any potential reconcilation with your ex. However, the noton of *TIME* must be factored into this. The old saying, " time is a great healer " is largely correct. Yet, you cannot rely on time alone. As such a plan or some type of focus as shown above is of paramount importance to channel that chasing mind, that can take over our lives. Knowing that it works, should give you that security to follow it through.

 

 

 

Secondly, over a period of time you find yourself back together with yourself. Of course you will have times of missing your ex, but these will become less frequent as time passes. In the meantime there is a good argument to say that you are in control of yourself (emotionally & physically) and reflection flows through. Now, who knows you might be able to enter another relationship. I did and I was back together with my old self.

 

 

 

Over time and following the above advice/ doctrin ( sometimes to the Nth degree ) my ex slowly made inroads back into my life. Dont get me wrong this did not happen over night, and yes I told her I was seeing someone. Yet, although not a rebound as such, the new GF just did not "fit".

 

 

 

To cut a long story, we broke up. A few months later the dumper (my ex) sat me down to talk about getting back together. Following DN's advice I asked her a simple question.

 

" We have to make sure that the reasons for the breakup no longer apply. Do they ???"

 

 

You see, many people get into situations (mostly from using parts of the above ) where the dumper asks to get back. Ironically by getting back together with yourself, you might be able to see the wood for the trees for once and question the dumpers request with pure logic. Ha - ha, internal power at last !!!!!

 

 

So in short, read the above thread again and get back together with yourself first. If you get back together with your ex, its a bonus. ....... or is it if you dont square off the fundamental reasons for the break.

 

 

Saying that, if you dont you'll be stuck in a moment you cant get out of. My friend told me to listen to this by U2. I thought it was about my ex at the time. No it was about me, and getting myself back together!!

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not afraid

Of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me

That I haven't already heard

I'm just trynna' find

A decent melody

A song that I can sing

In my own company

 

I never thought you were a fool

But darling, look at you. Ooh.

You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

'Cause tears are going nowhere baby

 

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better

Now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

 

 

I will not forsake

The colors that you bring

The nights you filled with fireworks

They just left you with nothing

I am still enchanted

By the light you brought to me

I listen through your ears

Through your eyes I can see

 

 

You are such a fool

To worry like you do.. Oh

I know it's tough

And you can never get enough

Of what you don't really need now

My, oh my

 

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now

You've got yourself stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

 

 

I was unconscious, half asleep

The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall

It's a long way down to nothing at all !!!

 

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better

Now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

 

And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if your way should falter

Along this stony pass

 

It's just a moment

This time will pass

 

 

U2 - Stuck in a moment !

 

 

 

I hope this helps from someone who has come through following the above !!!!

 

Thanks Majord

 

 

 

 

LOL

 

 

 

Scruffy J

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Great post (as ever) and just to prove I've actually read it, I've spotted (what I think is) a mistake.

 

If you attempt to contact your ex and your attempt is ignored, do NOT follow up with another call/email – resume contact and don't look back.

in the "What to do if you break NC" bit should (I think) read

If you attempt to contact your ex and your attempt is ignored, do NOT follow up with another call/email – resume NOContact and don't look back

.

 

Other than that a well worded and very useful thread. Nice one!

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Thanks for the replies everyone - and scruff, you're right to be livid mate - alot of it did come from you (even if you weren't aware of it at the time ).

 

hjc (or should I call you eagle eyes ). Thanks for that - fixed now, I couldn't have people following the 'guide' to the word and then throwing that back in my face, could I?

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NC is good, but more important than NC is fixing yourself .. getting your act together ... people on this forum seem stress on NC way too much, but all the NC in the world will not help unless you can look at yourself and understand why you find yourself in the "dumped" situation today. the fact is that YES ... you contributed to being where you are today MORE than your ex did by dumping you.

 

until a few years ago, if someone asked me who or what taught me the biggest lessons in life, i would have mentioned some relative or a close teacher i had

 

but today, I can say that the person who has taught me the most in my life is my EX. it is damn easy to point a finger at the ex and say "ex you are f-ed up and the cause of all my problems, my lonliness, my misery". that, for most of us, is just not true. unless the EX has mental issues, there must have been something (or many things) about YOU that put you in the situation you are in today.

 

it could be something as simple as basic compatiblity issues which are easy to overlook in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but rear their ugly head later on .. in such a case the breakup really is no one's fault. your ex just had the balls to take action and break up now rather than suffer a long and not-so-happy relationship. get over it, because I can bet a 100% as much as you hate your EX, they probably hurt as much as you did ...

 

another reason could be loss of attraction (not talking physical attraction here) or the feeling of losing that "in-love" feeling... in this case it clearly is YOUR problem ... something about you caused them to lose feelings for you. this is something most of us here seem to deny .. we want to blame the EX for breaking promises, for cheating on us ... but that is just running away from the real issue ...

 

regardless of the reason for breakup, the point is NC is a great tool but it is not the only thing that is going to help you. the NUMBER ONE thing is understanding yourself .. this could be a reality-check to understand what compatibility issues caused the EX to break up (see above) ... or it could be learning about faults that may have that contributed to the sitution you are in today ...

 

relationships are like a video game .. the more you play, the more you learn and the more you learn the better you will be in the future .. and this includes better at CHOOSING the right person to be in a relationship with.

 

and since this is essentially a reconciliation thread .... don't kid yourself folks ... there is NO "getting back with the ex". there is no "winning the ex back", no "reconciliation" either .... nothing of the sort.

 

the ONLY thing that *may* work is both of you falling in love with each other once again from a FRESH start and that is NOT going to happen unless you change from being whatever characteristics you are today being the "dumpee" to the traits that attracted your EX to you in the first place ... (or even better) ... i don't mean to say that you should not address the past issues if you do reconnect at some point in the future ... but just "talking about it" ain't gonna work ...

 

i'm still a big fan of GFTOW that i posted about on some other thread, not to be taken literally, but by the time you've had several other casual dating relationships, you'll not even remember what the EX looked like

 

casual dating relationships is the keyword, you are not ready for a relationship until you go to bed at night without thinking of the EX ..

 

hehehe

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Hi Major

 

You certainly seem to know what you are talking about and its a great help to not only me but alot of us on here. Thanks.

 

Not sure if you are familiar with any of my threads but I just wanted to ask if you could please read one of my latest threads called "We got back together, but its over again" and give me your thoughts.

 

The thing is when my ex broke up with me this last time, I kept calling, trying to see where I stood, asking stuff about us & etc which ultimately pushed him away even more. He then started NC with me and just kept saying I must just leave him alone. I kept calling & eventually we fought more & more until I guess I had no choice but to do NC and sent him a message that kind of said that I would be doing NC (The message is in the thread I mention above). It has been over a month now and I'm still struggling to get through this & still want him back even though I should be trying to heal & focus on me.

 

You mention that when breaking up that the dumpee should state their feelings & mention that they would like a reconcilliation. But in my case I didn't even get to do this. It just ended with us arguing & me going into NC. Now my ex doesn't really know how I feel. I guess I'm trying to ask have I messed up my chances of reconcilliation because it ended the way it did without me letting him know that I love him & still would like a reconciliiation in the future?

 

Hope I'm making sense but if you read my threads it will make more sense.

 

 

Thanks

 

 

 

LostAngel

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another reason could be loss of attraction (not talking physical attraction here) or the feeling of losing that "in-love" feeling... in this case it clearly is YOUR problem

 

i don't agree with this at all. if someone was really attracted to you and somehow loses the "in-love" feeling, it's usually their problem, not yours. i think you are oversimplifying it a lot.

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another reason could be loss of attraction (not talking physical attraction here) or the feeling of losing that "in-love" feeling... in this case it clearly is YOUR problem

 

i don't agree with this at all. if someone was really attracted to you and somehow loses the "in-love" feeling, it's usually their problem, not yours. i think you are oversimplifying it a lot.

 

i am not oversimplifying it ... but i feel you, like almost everyone on these forums, are just avoiding taking any responsibility ...

 

if you stopped being who they fell in love with, why do you expect them to stay in love with you?

 

OR

 

if you put on some sort of act to impress them when you first started dating (we are all guilty of this - putting forth our best behavior) and they fall in love with this "act" of yours, once that act is over (aka, end of honeymoon period) and they got to know the *real* you ... they realized you aren't the type of person they could love ...

 

that said, the only solution is to understand yourself, what your strengths/weaknesses are and what kind of person would best fit *you* ... and then, instead of putting on an *act* when you first start dating you should change yourself .. improve yourself .. then instead of being an "act" that gives false impressions you will have changed your lifestyle into a that which attracts and keeps love ...

 

love is a game. don't kid yourself .. its easy for me to say that i read about all this in books, forums etc... but more than reading about the basic psychology of love ... look around at really successful long-term relationships ... they unconsciously followed the rules of the game and that's why they are still together.

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NC is good, but more important than NC is fixing yourself .. getting your act together ... people on this forum seem stress on NC way too much, but all the NC in the world will not help unless you can look at yourself and understand why you find yourself in the "dumped" situation today.

The reason that NC is so widely advocated on the board is because it is the first step to being in a position to analyse what went wrong in the relationship, and what part you played in it.

There’s no point telling someone to have a good hard look at them self when they’re an emotional wreck and can’t go a few days without contacting their ex.

THAT is why NC is stressed ‘way too much’ here. It’s the first step.

 

 

but today, I can say that the person who has taught me the most in my life is my EX. it is damn easy to point a finger at the ex and say "ex you are f-ed up and the cause of all my problems, my lonliness, my misery". that, for most of us, is just not true. unless the EX has mental issues, there must have been something (or many things) about YOU that put you in the situation you are in today.

it could be something as simple as basic compatiblity issues which are easy to overlook in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but rear their ugly head later on .. in such a case the breakup really is no one's fault. your ex just had the balls to take action and break up now rather than suffer a long and not-so-happy relationship. get over it, because I can bet a 100% as much as you hate your EX, they probably hurt as much as you did ...

I have always said that everyone should learn something from every failed relationship they have. I don’t see too many people here that place sole responsibility on a break-up on their ex (unless they are venting).

 

Anger, a natural part of the grief process – don’t mistake it for genuine hate. The vast majority of posters who spew venom about an ex would take them back in a second…hardly an action of hate.

 

 

another reason could be loss of attraction (not talking physical attraction here) or the feeling of losing that "in-love" feeling... in this case it clearly is YOUR problem ... something about you caused them to lose feelings for you. this is something most of us here seem to deny .. we want to blame the EX for breaking promises, for cheating on us ... but that is just running away from the real issue ...

Too general. Sometimes blame lies on one side, sometimes on both. Absolutely dumpees should be looking at their own contribution in a break-up, but to say that the dumpee is always at fault is (no offence) naïve.

The truth lays somewhere in the middle.

 

 

relationships are like a video game .. the more you play, the more you learn and the more you learn the better you will be in the future .. and this includes better at CHOOSING the right person to be in a relationship with.

No argument there.

 

 

and since this is essentially a reconciliation thread .... don't kid yourself folks ... there is NO "getting back with the ex". there is no "winning the ex back", no "reconciliation" either .... nothing of the sort.

I’m not getting you here.

 

 

the ONLY thing that *may* work is both of you falling in love with each other once again from a FRESH start and that is NOT going to happen unless you change from being whatever characteristics you are today being the "dumpee" to the traits that attracted your EX to you in the first place ... (or even better) ... i don't mean to say that you should not address the past issues if you do reconnect at some point in the future ... but just "talking about it" ain't gonna work ...

 

Again, no argument and something that is also widely advocated widely on the board.

 

 

i'm still a big fan of GFTOW that i posted about on some other thread, not to be taken literally, but by the time you've had several other casual dating relationships, you'll not even remember what the EX looked like

 

Each to there own mate, but it does kind of contradict your first statement about learning about yourself. GFTOW is all about distraction, not introspection – and that’s hardly a platform for growth.

 

 

i am not oversimplifying it ... but i feel you, like almost everyone on these forums, are just avoiding taking any responsibility ...

 

I’m not sure why you feel that ‘almost everyone on these forums’ is avoiding taking any responsibility?

You seem to have the view that the majority of posters blame their exes entirely for the break-up and are not likely to grow because of it - not true at all.

You post some good stuff, but seem to be opposing some decent advice on the boards because you have a misconception about the people that are posting it and reading it.

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hjc (or should I call you eagle eyes ). Thanks for that - fixed now, I couldn't have people following the 'guide' to the word and then throwing that back in my face, could I?

 

Call me what you like Just know that some of us read every word. Thank God I spotted it; could've led me up the wrong path

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So majord123, what happens when you get dumped, make a decision to move on and not look back but the dumper decides she made a mistake all within 48 hours. So I take her back but then start wondering if I made a hasty decision too take her back so quick. It doesn't matter, we are together and we both just want things to really work out. Is that possible?

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So majord123, what happens when you get dumped, make a decision to move on and not look back but the dumper decides she made a mistake all within 48 hours. So I take her back but then start wondering if I made a hasty decision too take her back so quick. It doesn't matter, we are together and we both just want things to really work out. Is that possible?

 

It sounds like the break-up was a 'flash-in-the-pan' type thing mate - probably a decision made in haste which is why she regretted it so quickly.

If you are happy with things are now, then go with it. If this is something that is happening repeatedly however, then you need to find out why it is happening and what you (and she) can do about it.

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Hey hawaii,

I just read your thread....and it's altered my perception slightly.

 

You say that she was distant for 2 weeks prior to the break-up and that you decided to tough out the pain and move on without her (hard, but great move pal).

 

Her changing her mind in 2 days *could* be panic related. She may have expected to see you more upset and to beg her to stay, but on not receiving that she bricked it and came running back because the consequences of her actions were staring her right in the face immediately.

 

Tread carefully pal, and don't ignore the break-up as if it never happened - she may be 'checking out' of the relationship but is finding it hard to do so.

You also said that you realised that you could move on without her in those 2 days - that might be because she is causing more stress than the relationship is worth at the moment?

 

Do you still want this relationship to work out?

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  • 1 month later...

Thanks alot, right now im going through a very tough time in my life. My ex and I were best friends and I dont have many friends due to me secluding myself with computers and my music. So it makes it that much tougher, but I realize to get over it I'm going to have to make a initiative to get out more see friends and what not. She still wants to remain in close contact with me, I told her last night that it would be hard for me and to give me a few weeks to calm down. At which point one of us could give the other a call, and maybe try for dinner or something. As i really hate communication over the net or phone. I really think somewhere in her mind she still wants to be with me, and thats why she left me. Because I am a wreck right now, and having her with me wouldn't be changing anything on the inside. So once I fix myself maybe then i can move from there. But in my current state no one is going to want to be with me including my ex.

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Great post, and its the template I followed I think, Major D, you know my story. Thanks again for the advice, I'm slowly climbing out of the dark hole.

 

It feels better to end it with her on a good note, and let her know how I felt with no anger, caught her by surprise, and it's healing me at the same time. I'm sure she feels it, she hides her emotions well. But it feels good that I told her I wasn't just going to do all the work, and when she wants to put some in, to go ahead and contact me.

 

Day 2 NC.

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I'm sure she feels it, she hides her emotions well.

 

Don't always believe what you hear and try not to analyze it.

 

So unless they have something real important to say (like I love you and I want you back) you should take everything they say after a break-up with a grain of salt and focus your energy on healing yourself and becoming a better/stronger person instead of over analyzing their words and wasting time.

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Don't always believe what you hear and try not to analyze it.

 

So unless they have something real important to say (like I love you and I want you back) you should take everything they say after a break-up with a grain of salt and focus your energy on healing yourself and becoming a better/stronger person instead of over analyzing their words and wasting time.

 

I'm definetely doing things to better myself.. It's just tough as I have lost friends due to the breakup, and they basically ditched me for her.. great friends huh.

 

Feels like I'm rebuilding my life.. all over again.

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Don't always believe what you hear and try not to analyze it.

 

So unless they have something real important to say (like I love you and I want you back) you should take everything they say after a break-up with a grain of salt and focus your energy on healing yourself and becoming a better/stronger person instead of over analyzing their words and wasting time.

 

Absolutely spot-on DG.

 

In my honest opinion, a dumper won't spend much time lanalysing what they are about to say before saying it.

 

Taking that into consideration, 'dumpees' shouldn't spend too much time analysing those same things - usually meanings will be found that are in fact non-existent.

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