Popular Post majord23 Posted September 12, 2006 Popular Post Share Posted September 12, 2006 This ‘guide’ has been written to give people here guidance on what to do after a break-up. This has been written using my own experience, and also drawing on the experiences of others in my personal life, and also from these boards themselves. This is the healthiest advice that I can give – both to help someone recover from a break-up and to give the best chance possible of being reconciled with an ex. There are no ‘games’ or ‘tricks’ contained here, it is not a quick-fix nor a magical solution – it is straight-forward and all about helping the dumpee heal and move on, with or without their former partner The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide Goal The goal of this post primarily focuses on two things: To maintain the dumpee’s self-respect and dignity To avoid being pitied by the dumper If these two (interrelated) goals are achieved, it will have a two-pronged effect. It will assist the dumpee in moving on It will increase the chance of reconciliation Stereotypical Post-Break-up behaviour When someone that you love unexpectedly, or even expectedly ends a relationship, then you may find yourself losing control of rational thought and entering ‘survival mode’. This can manifest itself in numerous ways, but the most common appears to be losing their inhibitions and saying *anything* in order to reverse the dumper’s decision. Begging, pleading and promises of change are high on the dumpee’s behavioural agenda. These behaviours do not work, and on the rare occasions they do, the second chance is generally short lived. Why? Because a dumper may return to the dumpee out of pity – and pity has no business in an equal, loving relationship. Another reason for failure is because the dumper may feel as though they are doing the dumpee a favour by returning, and thus it makes the responsibility they hold in making the relationship work significantly less – it is easier for them to walk away (again). It would be completely unreasonable to expect anyone, especially yourself, to be able to control the initial impulse to beg your ex for another chance. So if you have done so, forgive yourself – but vow that you won’t do it again. Today is the day that you take your first step forward in moving on. What to do differently If begging, pleading and promising change is the ‘wrong’ behaviour to exhibit, then it stands to reason that the ‘right’ behaviour is the opposite. So, what is the opposite behaviour? Well, let’s dump the begging, pleading and unreasonable demands you have made on yourself under a broad heading: “Undignified” – because that’s exactly what it is – undignified. So, the opposite is……that’s right, “Dignified”. As hard as it is, as much as your heart, head and soul wants to scream “Take me back pleeeeeaaaaseee…I’ll do anything….I can’t live without you…..” to your ex, you must NOT…and instead act dignified. By all means, let your ex know that you are upset and that you would like a second chance – there is nothing wrong with discussing your feelings and desires (initially). Once you have done so however, consider your side of the break-up complete. Do not rehash the conversation and do not throw things that your ex may have said back in their face. Telling your ex: “But last week you said you loved me, and wanted to be the mother/father of my children” will ultimately achieve nothing except cause conflict. An ex’s words are not a binding contract and as such, can not be used to tie them into an agreement that you thought you held with them. Arguing logic with someone who is making a decision based on emotion will prove fruitless. No matter how much logic you attempt to apply to an emotional decision, emotions will *always* win out. For whatever reason, your ex’s feelings have changed and they have made a decision based on that – respect that decision, just as you would respect decisions they made within the relationship….and accept it. “True love doesn’t need convincing, true love knows.” That means letting them go, and switching your focus to picking up the pieces and moving on – without them. What happens next? You will now find yourself at the crossroads – with a decision to make: Stay in Contact, or initiate ‘No Contact’. There are some situations where contact is a necessity (children are involved or you work/go to school with your ex). There may be others, but these are the primary ones. In these cases, keep contact to a minimum and remember that you have already told your ex about your feelings and your desire for reconciliation, so do not under any circumstances have these conversations again. Keep your interactions with your ex as brief as possible and keep any conversation completely related to your reason for being in contact (children, work, school). This will be hard, but again, you have to remember your goal – maintaining your dignity and self-respect and avoiding your ex’s pity. Do not compromise these for even a second. Stay strong, and prepare yourself for each interaction with your ex: “Proper preparation prevents poor performance”. If you have no obvious ties with your ex, you are still at the crossroads – staying in contact or breaking contact. In the majority of scenarios, your ex will suggest ‘staying friends’ – they may even do more than suggest it, they may actually start to beg and plead themselves. Some dumpees are willing to enter a friendship almost immediately and some are emotionally ready to do so. Some relationships were built on friendship and many successful friendships have been born out of failed relationships – BUT, and I must stress this – these are the *exception* to the rule. I will say this again – the moment that you poured your heart out to your ex and expressed your desire for a second chance was the turning point in the break-up. That is the moment that your actions became motivated by one thing and one thing only – what is best for YOU….not for your ex, not for the hope of reconciliation – but for you, and you alone. You should never enter a ‘friendship’ with an ex as a means to ‘get them back’. If you have *any* desire to get back with your ex…even if you try to convince yourself by saying “Well, maybe one day but I’m happy with being friends in the meantime”. Don’t do it. The truth of the matter is that you are lying to yourself, and the situation will end with more pain (for you). Relationships (including friendships) are founded on equality – equality of feelings and equality of expectations. If one party desires or expects more than the other, it will lead to conflict and quite possibly the destruction of the relationship. You’ve already lost your intimate relationship, so why enter another one (friendship) that is doomed to fail from the very beginning? Being friends with an ex means being happy to hang out with them and their new boyfriend/girlfriend/person they are sleeping with/husband/wife. If the thought of that gives you an empty feeling in your stomach, don’t do it….at least not yet. Despite these warnings, some may decide that they want to stay in touch with your ex. You’ll tell yourself that you’re strong enough, that you can handle your ex seeing someone new, and that you don’t care if you don’t get back together with your ex – and some of you will be right. Some however, will be lying to themselves: Before deciding to stay in contact, or stay friends with an ex – sit down and have a really hard think whether it’s because you genuinely want to be friends, or because you are scared of letting go. If it’s the latter, don’t stay friends with your ex. This is about what is best for YOU remember, and sometimes doing what is best for you is the hardest choice to make. Letting go is hard, but is also the healthiest thing you can do after a break-up. Everyone will let go at some point after a break-up – some people will do it themselves and heal quicker, whilst others will fight and fight – until, in the end, the decision to let go is taken from their hands – and they *have* to do it. Let go now, while you have a choice to do so – it’s empowering and it also links in with the goals stated at the start of this thread. If you do decide to take the: “I think I can win them back by staying in touch” route, consider yourself warned and then… No Contact (NC) If you’ve read this far, then you are at least thinking about No Contact (NC)…so, what is No Contact? That thread covers a lot about NC and various scenarios, however it probably doesn’t stress one point enough: No Contact is NOT a tool to win back an ex. Again, everything you are doing right now is focussed on what is best for YOU. If you want to use NC as a tactic to win an ex back then by all means try it, but you will find yourself praying, hoping and wishing for the day that NC finally has its desired effect…and that day may never come. So initiate NC knowing that it is NOT to bring your ex back, it is all about allowing yourself space and time to heal. If you enter this period knowing that, the results will come – if you enter it expecting it to bring your ex to their senses, you face disappointment – and you may even find yourself resuming the ‘stereotypical post-break-up behaviour’ covered at the beginning of this post. No Contact is difficult and at times heart-wrenching – but healing will occur if you tough it out and hang in there. Contacting your ex may bring you temporary relief, but it only makes things harder in the long run – it’s akin to scratching chicken-pox. You will have an almost overwhelming urge to scratch and scratch…knowing that while it may make you feel great momentarily, it will ultimately delay the healing. What happens if I break NC? Quite simple – you start again. You don’t beat yourself up about it or dwell on it – what’s done is done. If you contact your ex, and the conversation goes well – ask yourself: “What have I really achieved?”, “Am I ready to be just friends?” or “Am I closer to reconciliation?”. If none of your answers are positive – resume NC and don’t look back. If your ex makes promises, but provides no evidence that they are going to back them up with actions – resume NC and don’t look back. If you attempt to contact your ex and your attempt is ignored, do NOT follow up with another call/email – resume No Contact and don’t look back. If the ball is left in their court (via your attempt at contact), leave it with them – they know how to find you if they do wish to contact you. What if my ex breaks NC? If your ex breaks NC and expresses anything but a heart-felt, genuine desire for reconciliation, you resume NC and don’t look back. If your ex states that they miss you, are confused, want to be with you “one day” etc, you resume NC and start again. Your ex, if expressing things such as though as stated in the sentence above, has entered their own version of ‘survival mode’ – where they are willing to say (almost) anything to get what they want – you in their lives. This is the dumper seeking what *they* want – you in their life, but not a relationship with you. Remember again, you are no longer doing what is best for your ex – you are doing to what is best for you – and if your ex is offering false hope when you want a solid promise, you resume NC and don’t look back. If you have already explained your reasons for NC to your ex, there is no need to do so again (no matter what your ex says) – a simple “We’ve already discussed why I need to do this, take care *click*” will suffice just nicely. If your ex continually breaks NC against your wishes, and expresses no concrete desire for reconciliation (if that is what you are seeking), then block their calls, emails…take any step you have to cut them out of your life. Again, it is about what is best for YOU. Avoid getting into a NC/Breaking NC cycle (regardless of whether it is your ex or you breaking NC). You are the only one that will have the power to stop it, your ex will (more than likely) keep the cycle going for as long as you allow them to. Be strong, cut all ties and maintain NC. Even if it means being rude. What do I do to help myself heal during NC? Your options are limitless – you are now a single person with no-one to answer to. Meet up with friends, take up a new hobby, work-out, go on holiday…do whatever it takes to make you feel good, and whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself. Do not sit at home dwelling on the past and do not think of ways of ‘accidentally’ bumping into your ex. In my experience, Sunday evenings are the toughest – work/school beckons the next day and the weekend is over. Try to plan an activity to keep you occupied on Sundays if you can – even if it’s meeting up with a friend to get some dinner or watch a movie (preferably a comedy). Should I date others? Only when you’re ready. Casual dating is great and can build self-confidence and also show you that maybe there is someone else that is just as nice, if not nicer than your ex. However, do NOT enter a relationship unless you are certain that you won’t go running back to your ex at the drop of a hat if they reappear in your life. A new relationship introduces someone new to the scenario – a person with feelings and desires, just like us all. They deserve honesty and to be treated with respect – so do not use anyone else to make your ex jealous or as a replacement for your ex….someone is going to get hurt, and it could be you – physically You may find that dating someone new, instead of taking your mind off your ex, actually makes you miss them more – that is natural, and normal – and is your sub-conscious telling you that perhaps you aren’t ready to date just yet. Hang in there; the day will come where you will be. Should I break NC for important events? No, nope, negative. There is no reason to do so, unless it is life-threatening. No good will come of it. What about Reconciliation? There are no magic fixes to a broken relationship, no tricks, no secrets and no guaranteed methods to win an ex back, but there is plenty you can do to *decrease* your chances. For some guidance, look no further than SuperDave’s brilliant thread Successful reconciliation is something that will not happen for the majority of people who have been ‘dumped’ – that is the cold, harsh reality of break-ups and indeed life. We don’t always get what we want. I can tell you this however, those who do reconcile successfully with an ex are those who ‘get themselves back’ before getting their exes back. The people who maintain their dignity, self-respect and avoid being pitied by their exes are the ones that bounce back quickest and make themselves and attractive relationship prospect for the opposite (or same) sex. And that's why this guide has been so focussed on letting go and moving on - *genuinely* letting go and moving on, *really* taking back control of your emotions and your life - these are the things that give you the best chance of reconciling with an ex. Focussing on your own healing, rather than focussing on what effect your actions will have on an ex - these are the things that can bring an ex back. Sure, there are 'methods' that can be applied (The Perfect Plan Mach II) - and yes, some of them may bring an ex back. But this thread is about more than that - this is about *successful* reconciliation, not temporary fixes. Temporary fixes don't fix problems, they merely disguise them...and eventually, just like any 'make-shift' measure - they will fail. What if my ex wants me back? It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for – your ex contacts you out of the blue and says the words you’ve been wanting months to hear: “I made a mistake, I love you and I want you back.”. Brilliant – you grin from ear to ear, tell your ex that you love them and live happily ever after, right? Not so fast there kid – the hard work has only just begun. First things first – you have to evaluate *why* your ex has had a change of heart – is it because they genuinely miss and love you, or is it because they themselves were dumped and are returning to ‘familiar territory’? Or perhaps they are going through a but of a rough patch in their life at the moment? As with break-ups, each is unique but all have commonalities – and the above are seemingly the three main reasons that an ex ‘returns to the scene of the crime’. There may be all sorts of emotions to work through before it’s all smooth sailing. You may feel anger that your ex put you through such an emotionally draining, traumatic experience only to change their mind. You may be apprehensive – afterall, they dumped you before, what’s to stop them from doing it again? Some people can work through these issues, view the relationship as a new start and get on with it. Others may not be able to. Insecurity and anger are the two biggest issues to overcome (in my experience) when reconciling with an ex. Repeatedly bringing the past up in an (unrelated) argument can sound the death-knell for a second chance. Letting go of the emotions associated with the break-up (whilst not forgetting them) is the key to moving forward when reconciling. Only you know what you can deal with – and sometimes it won’t be apparent what you can and can’t deal with until you enter that ‘second chance’. As with reconciliation – there are no magic tricks to work through these issues, other than honest and open communication from both parties…and a resolve to work on the issues that lead to the first break-up. If you can’t work through them or get over them, that is not a sign of weakness on your part – it is a part of your sub-conscious that is protecting you from getting hurt again, and sometimes that sub-conscious has a point that should be listened to. Most importantly, if you do embark of a ‘new beginning’ – just as you should start any new relationship slowly, you should be extremely vigilant when reconciling. Jumping into the relationship too quickly, because you know each other so well, can see each party possibly falling back into the same old routine….and before you know it the issues that caused the first break-up are back. Slowly, slowly, slowly….that’s all I’m sayin’. Best of luck. 16 Link to comment
heyduh Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 ok great. i give it 5 starts already Link to comment
Midgi Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 If you made people pay for your advice you'd be a minted by now! Well done! Link to comment
BONO Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 ((((((((((((((Major, I'm livid ! ))))))))))))))))))))) Cant believe you have nicked all my ideas !!!! Ha- ha ! Well done mate. I like the way you have linked it to the *fundamentals* of getting back by illustrating and underlining this paradym by the most popular and highest rated threads on EnotAlone. A long thread deserves a reasonable post from an advocate and a friend, so ........... Members & Guests. This way of thinking works. I am living proof , FACT. One way or another you get back together. I have found that firstly, you get back together with yourself. I cannot stress this enough as any platform to any potential reconcilation with your ex. However, the noton of *TIME* must be factored into this. The old saying, " time is a great healer " is largely correct. Yet, you cannot rely on time alone. As such a plan or some type of focus as shown above is of paramount importance to channel that chasing mind, that can take over our lives. Knowing that it works, should give you that security to follow it through. Secondly, over a period of time you find yourself back together with yourself. Of course you will have times of missing your ex, but these will become less frequent as time passes. In the meantime there is a good argument to say that you are in control of yourself (emotionally & physically) and reflection flows through. Now, who knows you might be able to enter another relationship. I did and I was back together with my old self. Over time and following the above advice/ doctrin ( sometimes to the Nth degree ) my ex slowly made inroads back into my life. Dont get me wrong this did not happen over night, and yes I told her I was seeing someone. Yet, although not a rebound as such, the new GF just did not "fit". To cut a long story, we broke up. A few months later the dumper (my ex) sat me down to talk about getting back together. Following DN's advice I asked her a simple question. " We have to make sure that the reasons for the breakup no longer apply. Do they ???" You see, many people get into situations (mostly from using parts of the above ) where the dumper asks to get back. Ironically by getting back together with yourself, you might be able to see the wood for the trees for once and question the dumpers request with pure logic. Ha - ha, internal power at last !!!!! So in short, read the above thread again and get back together with yourself first. If you get back together with your ex, its a bonus. ....... or is it if you dont square off the fundamental reasons for the break. Saying that, if you dont you'll be stuck in a moment you cant get out of. My friend told me to listen to this by U2. I thought it was about my ex at the time. No it was about me, and getting myself back together!! I'm not afraid Of anything in this world There's nothing you can throw at me That I haven't already heard I'm just trynna' find A decent melody A song that I can sing In my own company I never thought you were a fool But darling, look at you. Ooh. You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight 'Cause tears are going nowhere baby You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment And now you can't get out of it Don't say that later will be better Now you're stuck in a moment And you can't get out of it I will not forsake The colors that you bring The nights you filled with fireworks They just left you with nothing I am still enchanted By the light you brought to me I listen through your ears Through your eyes I can see You are such a fool To worry like you do.. Oh I know it's tough And you can never get enough Of what you don't really need now My, oh my You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment And you can't get out of it Oh love, look at you now You've got yourself stuck in a moment And you can't get out of it I was unconscious, half asleep The water is warm 'til you discover how deep I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall It's a long way down to nothing at all !!! You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment And you can't get out of it Don't say that later will be better Now you're stuck in a moment And you can't get out of it And if the night runs over And if the day won't last And if your way should falter Along this stony pass It's just a moment This time will pass U2 - Stuck in a moment ! I hope this helps from someone who has come through following the above !!!! Thanks Majord LOL Scruffy J Link to comment
shellshocked Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 A M A Z I N G post Major!!!! Link to comment
hjc Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Great post (as ever) and just to prove I've actually read it, I've spotted (what I think is) a mistake. If you attempt to contact your ex and your attempt is ignored, do NOT follow up with another call/email – resume contact and don't look back. in the "What to do if you break NC" bit should (I think) read If you attempt to contact your ex and your attempt is ignored, do NOT follow up with another call/email – resume NOContact and don't look back. Other than that a well worded and very useful thread. Nice one! Link to comment
majord23 Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 Thanks for the replies everyone - and scruff, you're right to be livid mate - alot of it did come from you (even if you weren't aware of it at the time ). hjc (or should I call you eagle eyes ). Thanks for that - fixed now, I couldn't have people following the 'guide' to the word and then throwing that back in my face, could I? Link to comment
heyduh Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 NC is good, but more important than NC is fixing yourself .. getting your act together ... people on this forum seem stress on NC way too much, but all the NC in the world will not help unless you can look at yourself and understand why you find yourself in the "dumped" situation today. the fact is that YES ... you contributed to being where you are today MORE than your ex did by dumping you. until a few years ago, if someone asked me who or what taught me the biggest lessons in life, i would have mentioned some relative or a close teacher i had but today, I can say that the person who has taught me the most in my life is my EX. it is damn easy to point a finger at the ex and say "ex you are f-ed up and the cause of all my problems, my lonliness, my misery". that, for most of us, is just not true. unless the EX has mental issues, there must have been something (or many things) about YOU that put you in the situation you are in today. it could be something as simple as basic compatiblity issues which are easy to overlook in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but rear their ugly head later on .. in such a case the breakup really is no one's fault. your ex just had the balls to take action and break up now rather than suffer a long and not-so-happy relationship. get over it, because I can bet a 100% as much as you hate your EX, they probably hurt as much as you did ... another reason could be loss of attraction (not talking physical attraction here) or the feeling of losing that "in-love" feeling... in this case it clearly is YOUR problem ... something about you caused them to lose feelings for you. this is something most of us here seem to deny .. we want to blame the EX for breaking promises, for cheating on us ... but that is just running away from the real issue ... regardless of the reason for breakup, the point is NC is a great tool but it is not the only thing that is going to help you. the NUMBER ONE thing is understanding yourself .. this could be a reality-check to understand what compatibility issues caused the EX to break up (see above) ... or it could be learning about faults that may have that contributed to the sitution you are in today ... relationships are like a video game .. the more you play, the more you learn and the more you learn the better you will be in the future .. and this includes better at CHOOSING the right person to be in a relationship with. and since this is essentially a reconciliation thread .... don't kid yourself folks ... there is NO "getting back with the ex". there is no "winning the ex back", no "reconciliation" either .... nothing of the sort. the ONLY thing that *may* work is both of you falling in love with each other once again from a FRESH start and that is NOT going to happen unless you change from being whatever characteristics you are today being the "dumpee" to the traits that attracted your EX to you in the first place ... (or even better) ... i don't mean to say that you should not address the past issues if you do reconnect at some point in the future ... but just "talking about it" ain't gonna work ... i'm still a big fan of GFTOW that i posted about on some other thread, not to be taken literally, but by the time you've had several other casual dating relationships, you'll not even remember what the EX looked like casual dating relationships is the keyword, you are not ready for a relationship until you go to bed at night without thinking of the EX .. hehehe 1 Link to comment
LostAngel Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Hi Major You certainly seem to know what you are talking about and its a great help to not only me but alot of us on here. Thanks. Not sure if you are familiar with any of my threads but I just wanted to ask if you could please read one of my latest threads called "We got back together, but its over again" and give me your thoughts. The thing is when my ex broke up with me this last time, I kept calling, trying to see where I stood, asking stuff about us & etc which ultimately pushed him away even more. He then started NC with me and just kept saying I must just leave him alone. I kept calling & eventually we fought more & more until I guess I had no choice but to do NC and sent him a message that kind of said that I would be doing NC (The message is in the thread I mention above). It has been over a month now and I'm still struggling to get through this & still want him back even though I should be trying to heal & focus on me. You mention that when breaking up that the dumpee should state their feelings & mention that they would like a reconcilliation. But in my case I didn't even get to do this. It just ended with us arguing & me going into NC. Now my ex doesn't really know how I feel. I guess I'm trying to ask have I messed up my chances of reconcilliation because it ended the way it did without me letting him know that I love him & still would like a reconciliiation in the future? Hope I'm making sense but if you read my threads it will make more sense. Thanks LostAngel Link to comment
joyce1412 Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 another reason could be loss of attraction (not talking physical attraction here) or the feeling of losing that "in-love" feeling... in this case it clearly is YOUR problem i don't agree with this at all. if someone was really attracted to you and somehow loses the "in-love" feeling, it's usually their problem, not yours. i think you are oversimplifying it a lot. Link to comment
heyduh Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 another reason could be loss of attraction (not talking physical attraction here) or the feeling of losing that "in-love" feeling... in this case it clearly is YOUR problem i don't agree with this at all. if someone was really attracted to you and somehow loses the "in-love" feeling, it's usually their problem, not yours. i think you are oversimplifying it a lot. i am not oversimplifying it ... but i feel you, like almost everyone on these forums, are just avoiding taking any responsibility ... if you stopped being who they fell in love with, why do you expect them to stay in love with you? OR if you put on some sort of act to impress them when you first started dating (we are all guilty of this - putting forth our best behavior) and they fall in love with this "act" of yours, once that act is over (aka, end of honeymoon period) and they got to know the *real* you ... they realized you aren't the type of person they could love ... that said, the only solution is to understand yourself, what your strengths/weaknesses are and what kind of person would best fit *you* ... and then, instead of putting on an *act* when you first start dating you should change yourself .. improve yourself .. then instead of being an "act" that gives false impressions you will have changed your lifestyle into a that which attracts and keeps love ... love is a game. don't kid yourself .. its easy for me to say that i read about all this in books, forums etc... but more than reading about the basic psychology of love ... look around at really successful long-term relationships ... they unconsciously followed the rules of the game and that's why they are still together. Link to comment
majord23 Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 NC is good, but more important than NC is fixing yourself .. getting your act together ... people on this forum seem stress on NC way too much, but all the NC in the world will not help unless you can look at yourself and understand why you find yourself in the "dumped" situation today. The reason that NC is so widely advocated on the board is because it is the first step to being in a position to analyse what went wrong in the relationship, and what part you played in it. There’s no point telling someone to have a good hard look at them self when they’re an emotional wreck and can’t go a few days without contacting their ex. THAT is why NC is stressed ‘way too much’ here. It’s the first step. but today, I can say that the person who has taught me the most in my life is my EX. it is damn easy to point a finger at the ex and say "ex you are f-ed up and the cause of all my problems, my lonliness, my misery". that, for most of us, is just not true. unless the EX has mental issues, there must have been something (or many things) about YOU that put you in the situation you are in today. it could be something as simple as basic compatiblity issues which are easy to overlook in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but rear their ugly head later on .. in such a case the breakup really is no one's fault. your ex just had the balls to take action and break up now rather than suffer a long and not-so-happy relationship. get over it, because I can bet a 100% as much as you hate your EX, they probably hurt as much as you did ... I have always said that everyone should learn something from every failed relationship they have. I don’t see too many people here that place sole responsibility on a break-up on their ex (unless they are venting). Anger, a natural part of the grief process – don’t mistake it for genuine hate. The vast majority of posters who spew venom about an ex would take them back in a second…hardly an action of hate. another reason could be loss of attraction (not talking physical attraction here) or the feeling of losing that "in-love" feeling... in this case it clearly is YOUR problem ... something about you caused them to lose feelings for you. this is something most of us here seem to deny .. we want to blame the EX for breaking promises, for cheating on us ... but that is just running away from the real issue ... Too general. Sometimes blame lies on one side, sometimes on both. Absolutely dumpees should be looking at their own contribution in a break-up, but to say that the dumpee is always at fault is (no offence) naïve. The truth lays somewhere in the middle. relationships are like a video game .. the more you play, the more you learn and the more you learn the better you will be in the future .. and this includes better at CHOOSING the right person to be in a relationship with. No argument there. and since this is essentially a reconciliation thread .... don't kid yourself folks ... there is NO "getting back with the ex". there is no "winning the ex back", no "reconciliation" either .... nothing of the sort. I’m not getting you here. the ONLY thing that *may* work is both of you falling in love with each other once again from a FRESH start and that is NOT going to happen unless you change from being whatever characteristics you are today being the "dumpee" to the traits that attracted your EX to you in the first place ... (or even better) ... i don't mean to say that you should not address the past issues if you do reconnect at some point in the future ... but just "talking about it" ain't gonna work ... Again, no argument and something that is also widely advocated widely on the board. i'm still a big fan of GFTOW that i posted about on some other thread, not to be taken literally, but by the time you've had several other casual dating relationships, you'll not even remember what the EX looked like Each to there own mate, but it does kind of contradict your first statement about learning about yourself. GFTOW is all about distraction, not introspection – and that’s hardly a platform for growth. i am not oversimplifying it ... but i feel you, like almost everyone on these forums, are just avoiding taking any responsibility ... I’m not sure why you feel that ‘almost everyone on these forums’ is avoiding taking any responsibility? You seem to have the view that the majority of posters blame their exes entirely for the break-up and are not likely to grow because of it - not true at all. You post some good stuff, but seem to be opposing some decent advice on the boards because you have a misconception about the people that are posting it and reading it. Link to comment
hjc Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 hjc (or should I call you eagle eyes ). Thanks for that - fixed now, I couldn't have people following the 'guide' to the word and then throwing that back in my face, could I? Call me what you like Just know that some of us read every word. Thank God I spotted it; could've led me up the wrong path Link to comment
angel1211 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 So majord123, what happens when you get dumped, make a decision to move on and not look back but the dumper decides she made a mistake all within 48 hours. So I take her back but then start wondering if I made a hasty decision too take her back so quick. It doesn't matter, we are together and we both just want things to really work out. Is that possible? Link to comment
majord23 Posted September 14, 2006 Author Share Posted September 14, 2006 So majord123, what happens when you get dumped, make a decision to move on and not look back but the dumper decides she made a mistake all within 48 hours. So I take her back but then start wondering if I made a hasty decision too take her back so quick. It doesn't matter, we are together and we both just want things to really work out. Is that possible? It sounds like the break-up was a 'flash-in-the-pan' type thing mate - probably a decision made in haste which is why she regretted it so quickly. If you are happy with things are now, then go with it. If this is something that is happening repeatedly however, then you need to find out why it is happening and what you (and she) can do about it. Link to comment
majord23 Posted September 14, 2006 Author Share Posted September 14, 2006 Hey hawaii, I just read your thread....and it's altered my perception slightly. You say that she was distant for 2 weeks prior to the break-up and that you decided to tough out the pain and move on without her (hard, but great move pal). Her changing her mind in 2 days *could* be panic related. She may have expected to see you more upset and to beg her to stay, but on not receiving that she bricked it and came running back because the consequences of her actions were staring her right in the face immediately. Tread carefully pal, and don't ignore the break-up as if it never happened - she may be 'checking out' of the relationship but is finding it hard to do so. You also said that you realised that you could move on without her in those 2 days - that might be because she is causing more stress than the relationship is worth at the moment? Do you still want this relationship to work out? Link to comment
majord23 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 Just gonna bump this sucker - someone new to the board might get something out of it. Link to comment
papalazarou Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 I havent seen this thread before! So I certainly have got some use out of it!!!! Thank you Majord! Link to comment
dreamguy Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Majord, Great stuff ! As always. Link to comment
papalazarou Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 The Mods should make this a sticky as well Link to comment
fr0st Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Thanks alot, right now im going through a very tough time in my life. My ex and I were best friends and I dont have many friends due to me secluding myself with computers and my music. So it makes it that much tougher, but I realize to get over it I'm going to have to make a initiative to get out more see friends and what not. She still wants to remain in close contact with me, I told her last night that it would be hard for me and to give me a few weeks to calm down. At which point one of us could give the other a call, and maybe try for dinner or something. As i really hate communication over the net or phone. I really think somewhere in her mind she still wants to be with me, and thats why she left me. Because I am a wreck right now, and having her with me wouldn't be changing anything on the inside. So once I fix myself maybe then i can move from there. But in my current state no one is going to want to be with me including my ex. Link to comment
smiles21 Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Great post, and its the template I followed I think, Major D, you know my story. Thanks again for the advice, I'm slowly climbing out of the dark hole. It feels better to end it with her on a good note, and let her know how I felt with no anger, caught her by surprise, and it's healing me at the same time. I'm sure she feels it, she hides her emotions well. But it feels good that I told her I wasn't just going to do all the work, and when she wants to put some in, to go ahead and contact me. Day 2 NC. Link to comment
dreamguy Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 I'm sure she feels it, she hides her emotions well. Don't always believe what you hear and try not to analyze it. So unless they have something real important to say (like I love you and I want you back) you should take everything they say after a break-up with a grain of salt and focus your energy on healing yourself and becoming a better/stronger person instead of over analyzing their words and wasting time. Link to comment
smiles21 Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 Don't always believe what you hear and try not to analyze it. So unless they have something real important to say (like I love you and I want you back) you should take everything they say after a break-up with a grain of salt and focus your energy on healing yourself and becoming a better/stronger person instead of over analyzing their words and wasting time. I'm definetely doing things to better myself.. It's just tough as I have lost friends due to the breakup, and they basically ditched me for her.. great friends huh. Feels like I'm rebuilding my life.. all over again. Link to comment
majord23 Posted November 6, 2006 Author Share Posted November 6, 2006 Don't always believe what you hear and try not to analyze it. So unless they have something real important to say (like I love you and I want you back) you should take everything they say after a break-up with a grain of salt and focus your energy on healing yourself and becoming a better/stronger person instead of over analyzing their words and wasting time. Absolutely spot-on DG. In my honest opinion, a dumper won't spend much time lanalysing what they are about to say before saying it. Taking that into consideration, 'dumpees' shouldn't spend too much time analysing those same things - usually meanings will be found that are in fact non-existent. Link to comment
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